I've had two people in the past week tell me I should consider writing as some sort of supplemental income... I think this sounds heavenly... but also totally unreliable as a source of income. How does one write and make money, besides being a journalist? I mean yes, please make me the next Stephanie Meyer.... but could you pay me in advance first? That won't be any trouble, right? For now I shall try to start blogging much more frequently, and consider turning my fingers toward composing the next Great American Young Adult Obsession.
I don't really know what tone I should take anymore... I go back and forth between feelings faster than a clock pendulum... I almost said faster than a grandfather clock... but I was a bit afraid that wouldn't make any sense. Mainly because it wouldn't.
I told a few people this yesterday, but it was a hard day- yesterday. Almost entirely because I started packing up Nathan's clothes... It might sound weird, but I was strangely looking forward to it... because I thought that while packing away his things I would be able to smell him. I've always been the type of person who has strong associations with smells. Last year when some dear souls cleaned our apartment for us they commented on how many smelly things I have... from my dishwashing soap to my hand soap to my candles to my home fragrance oils...I even have trashbags that are scented. So while I knew that putting away Nathan's clothes would be hard I was looking forward to his scent... Only one problem. Real life isn't like the movies or books, apparently. I don't have anything that I can put in a sealed container and open up again years later just to catch a whiff of his scent...Nathan had been growing so quickly because of the steroids, he hadn't worn any of his old clothes for months... and he'd barely worn any of his new clothes... and for the last week he'd only worn hospital gowns... so there isn't anything that smells like him. He wasn't even using a pillow since he couldn't lay down. I have his body wash and his deodorant... but there isn't anything that is all that mixed up with his own chemistry to make the smell that is uniquely *him.* And in some ways that makes it more real than anything else could.
I'm also feeling the lonely-ness. It wasn't always this way, but in the past few months Nathan and I were only out of each other's company when I was at work or for a few hours at a time. Plus I've always been one to want to be around others. Nathan and I both just wanted to be in the same room as each other.... we didn't have to be doing the same thing, or even really paying any attention to each other, but the physical presence, and the knowledge that if I laughed at something there was someone with whom to share the joke... I miss that. I've never been one to crave alone time, despite how shy I am. So now I find myself pestering friends and acting like a complete nincompoop... What's that? You have a job/spouse/family/life that needs you? You are picking up all the slack that I have dropped? Are you suuuuure you don't want to just sit around with me? I shan't be entertaining or amusing or even mildly interesting... I'll just putter about. I swear I feel like a needy puppy. I don't particularly like needy puppies.
Added to this, the fact that for the first time in my life I can't seem to sleep for more than 8 hours (though granted those 8 hours are normally from 4 AM to noon) and I'm not even sure that I recognize myself...I have no doubt that I'll get used to everything, eventually, and I'll stop acting like a maniac... or perhaps at least stop *feeling* like I'm acting like a maniac... The problem is that I really don't know what I want... I'm searching for the perfect place/attitude/thing to do... and nothing is right, cause the person who would make it right isn't here. So instead I just want someone to boss me around and tell me where to go and who I should talk to and give me rules... Nathan was the one who was good with open endings. I just want my world to stop spinning, and I'm clinging to any sense of stability.
Is this to personal for a blog? I think that you have started to become a diary.. or maybe a therapist. I don't know how interesting that will be to all of you... though you probably will feel like you know me... I'm a bit of an open book on here and given my current mercurial state it's probably going to vacillate between sad and ridiculous quite often, so that may be reason enough to stay tuned... You see... I need for you to read this... I need your expectations. They keep me afloat.
I can at least guarantee you that you aren't the only one feeling like a maniac or a "needy puppy." Because I am too! Any time you want to be in the same room together is fine with me.
ReplyDeleteI like that turn of phrase, "Great American Young Adult Obsession." And I don't think this is too personal.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the let-down that movie stuff isn't happening. I remember this soldier talking about boot camp, saying that while practically everything that you see in the movies is true, it doesn't prepare you for the real thing.
I'm pretty sure that if Katie wasn't sick, she'd be the one clawing at your door, begging to be around you. By her own admission, she's also pretty good at being bossy, so you might ask her for some of that while she's over.
I would read your book. :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I think about the things you are having to do and deal with now, I feel socked in the guts. Of course you are needy. It's not like you asked for it. To be feeling like a burden to others on top of losing Nathan, that sounds terrible.
If something makes you laugh and you don't have anybody around to share it with, you should text me. Or you can call me. Or email me. I am an avid phone talker/emailer/texter.
Renee, thanks for sharing a piece of your heart with us. I forwarded the link to your blog here to my mom who lost my dad in her 20's, she's been praying for you a lot.
ReplyDeleteWe're keeping similar hours these days. For the record I'm used to certain aspects of life being messy--my daughter just pooped and puked on me as I typed this--so if you need to chat or visit or anything in the middle of the day or night when you aren't sure if anyone is available, feel free to try and get ahold of me.