Unburdening

I feel heavy tonight. Not sure if it's because I've watched far too much Glee in one day,  if it's normal emotional rollercoaster, if it's because I got a nap today, or if it's because I'm feeling lost today.

Lora Hobbes came by today to pick up the computer and gave me the info to get the ball rolling on Nathan getting awarded his Masters. If we can get everything done quickly he might even be able to graduate in the Spring... which had been his plan before he hurt his back.

I checked Nathan's g-mail and forwarded an e-mail that Wal-greens had sent him to myself... checking my own mail and seeing a new e-mail from "him" was a little like a punch in the gut.

You know I thought I was awkward in social situations before everything happened... I feel so much more awkward now... I want to make other people feel comfortable around me, but no one knows how to deal with me... and I *know* they don't know what to do.... so I catch the looks.... part sadness, part sympathy/pity, and a whole lot of uncertainty and discomfort... and I sit there hoping both that I'm not projecting my pain out of my eyes, and that they can somehow see it anyway.

Sometimes I think full mourning attire isn't such a bad idea... I'd miss colors like crazy, but at least people would know. Today Kara and I were out in public discussing something about Nathan and I suddenly got paranoid that people who might overhear would think this was just a boyfriend we were discussing.. or that I was divorced... and I just wished there was a way to let people know without having to tell them...  a way to clue people in to my screwed up life right now that they would understand without words. It's strange... I want the people close to me to act like I'm normal and strangers to treat me as though I'm fragile.

Part of my issue, I think, is that I don't like to lean on people...Maybe it's from being of stoic country stock... "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." I don't want to burden others... I want to help take up *their* burdens. So, I only have a few people who I trust to lean on. Not that I don't know more people who are worthy... but it takes a special person to really trust that you can lean on them when things are hard... That they will stick it out when you have nothing to give in return. And it's hard to build enough trust to believe that they aren't rolling their eyes at you or complaining behind your back (or even just in their heads) about your neediness. One of my greatest fears is putting my "stuff" onto someone who doesn't want it... I used to be able to trust that I could have most of my emotional needs met in one place... someone who promised that I could trust him without reservation... but he's gone, which creates a much bigger emotional burden to bear- in addition to not having anywhere to take my "normal" stuff to.

Yes, I know the "proper" response to this is to take it to God... That I can trust Him with everything and He will never think it's too great a burden... but what I'm really looking for is "Jesus with some skin on," as the saying goes. But trying to find Jesus with the right skin on at the right time is hard. I fully believe that God brings people into our lives when we need them... but I'm not sure I know how to recognize these people when I see them.

I feel like that little kid in Hook who smushes Robin William's face all around, squinting at him, before finally pushing his skin back towards his ears and crying softly, "There you are, Peter!"