Wonderfully fun night with wonderfully fun friends. Kara made an accidental bald joke in the presence of Josh (her husband, who in case you don't know, is bald) and while it was a definitely a "you had to be there" moment... and maybe even a "you had to be one of us two" moment, I haven't laughed that hard in a long long time. It's good to laugh that hard... Of course then everyone goes away and I don't have anyone to come down off the people/laughter high with... Oh the roller coaster of ups and downs... So lonely, so often- in part just because I'm not used to being alone... and I *like* people... I really really do... with every fiber of my being I like people...I mean, sure, sometimes individuals will get on my nerves, but as a whole, if you want to hang out with me, then I want to hang out with you... but I'm so awkward... and I'm usually afraid to show it very much... cause it's not cool to be enthusiastic... It's cool to be your own person and do your own thing and hold yourself apart... not cool to be a pest.
Have I mentioned that I'm trying to compliment people more? I am. It's in tribute to Nathan, because I always loved that about him... he was very generous with compliments. I'm not so generous... not because I don't think complimentary things... I just don't actually say them out loud. I've discovered that it's harder than I thought... Apparently it takes a good bit of self confidence to compliment people... 1) You have to have the self confidence to actually say it without freaking out because you think you sound like a spazz or a stalker. 2) You have to have the self-confidence to assume that the other person cares. 3) There is a fine line between complimenting and flirting and I'm never confident that I'm on the right side of that line... *Notedly Nathan was also a flirt ( I can say that! He knew it!), so I might not be following the best example in the world on this one...
Please note that self-confidence and self esteem are different things. Self esteem is related to one's opinion of one's self... and I think that I'm a pretty cool chick... Self confidence is what I lack and that is more about being sure your chosen course of action is the right choice.... and I'm pretty much never sure of that. I don't know what I'm doing half of the time. I'm a bumbler... I bumble.
It looks like this blog is to be a random collection of thoughts... so be it. I finished the Christy series that I'd been watching off and on for months... Silly cliffhanger endings! Good thing I own the book! Nathan would watch them too, and always got sucked in, even though he would claim he didn't want to watch them... He always got sucked into the things I liked... I even got him to admit that not all country music is awful... and let me tell you that was a hard fought battle!
I bought new eyeshadow yesterday.. Thanks, Sadie, for a good idea! It's 4 different colors and has gold shimmer in it, so if you see gold flecks on my cheeks... well it's cause I forgot I had eye shadow on and rubbed my eyes... Or because I'm secretly a Grecian Goddess come to check in on you mortals... one of the two.
I've decided to stay in this apartment another year... If it had been Nathan and I, we would have most likely tried to look for a different place... but with everything that's going on I think this is the best fit for me right now.... But I will probably redecorate a bit... The memories are pretty strong, and I think moving things around might help. Plus it will help me sort through a lot of this stuff that I need to get through...
I found this quote from the Qur'an (2:234) on the Wikipedia article about mourning (most depressing search history ever, I told you!)
"And those of you who die and leave widows behind, they should keep themselves in waiting for four months and ten days. Then when they have fulfilled their term, there is no blame on you about what they do with themselves in accordance with the norms [of society]. And Allah is well acquainted with what you do. And there is also no blame on you if you tacitly send a marriage proposal to these women or hold it in your hearts. Allah knows that you would definitely talk to them. [Do so] but do not make a secret contract. Of course you can say something in accordance with the norms [of the society]. And do not decide to marry until the law reaches its term. And know that Allah has knowledge of what is in your hearts; so be fearful of Him and know that Allah is Most forgiving and Most Forbearing."
4 months and 10 days? Am I the only one who thinks that is a random and arbitrary time frame? I mean why not just the 4 months... or why not 5 months if 4 months isn't enough?? I just think it's funny that the time frame is so specific. We are coming up on a month, pretty soon....even though there isn't a 29th this February. The calendar is just this huge landmine of dark days... How has it only been a month? How has it already been a month? I hope I don't tick the months off like this all year...
One of the nicest things about tonight was that I felt like I could talk about Nathan... we could mention him and it wasn't a sad thing and it wasn't solely focused on him, but we could talk about him without killing the mood.... Nathan is a part of me... he's a part of who I am and that isn't going to change... so being able to acknowledge that and not feel like I had to keep it inside or secret was nice. It helps assure me that I'm gonna be ok...
I'm glad your staying!! Yay!!!!
ReplyDeleteI also lack self-confidence :( We should hang out again soon. I kept meaning to come by the office this week to see you, but time kept slipping away from me. I mostly wanted to give you a lemon cupcake that I made.
<3 Christina
I totally know what you mean about complimenting people. Why is it so scary? I always try to do it and wuss out and say something like, "I like your shirt," which is not the same as, "You look really nice," or "You have such great style." I too fear being thought of as a creepy stalker.
ReplyDeleteIs the four months 10 days thing to make sure the widow isn't pregnant? I seem to remember some kind of custom about isolating widows in a tent for nine months so that there was no confusion about which estate children would belong to. Ancient cultures seem to have been very concerned about that kind of thing.
Nathan was kind of a flirt. It was funny. I think that kind of harmless, charming-old-man flirtation was part and parcel with his southern manners... which I suppose is the same thing as making a habit of being complimentary to those around you.
Eyeshadow! Yay! I always get it all over my face, though. I have heard rumors of a product called "eyeshadow set" that keeps it in place, but I've never been able to track it down.