Today is the day. I'm really going to get out for the first time since Mon. I think it was Monday, at least.
Today I'm getting coffee with a friend, going to try and drop some of Nathan's things by his aunt's, going to go buy a sweater, and possibly a different chain (necklace), going to go to the bookstore and see if the Nook light that Nathan was getting me for Christmas is in and browse the "so you are a widow... what now?" section.... I already tried to browse the library and they don't really have anything.
Sometimes I feel a little guilty that so much of the pain and loneliness is also tinged with relief. I don't think most people really knew how hard things were-- especially in Dec and Jan. Nathan never wanted people to know how much he was hurting... It was nearly impossible to hide it from me, as I was the keeper of the pain meds, and I could read him so well. But he hurt so much... and his pride hurt so much... He was such an independent spirit... using that walker was a misery for him... not being able to drive.. not even being able to sleep next to me at night. It was all emotionally devastating... I'd never seen him cry so much, and there was nothing that I could do. So that's why there is relief... and I don't think that anyone begrudges me that... I wish that I had more time with him, of course. But it's *so* good to know he isn't hurting and there are no more tears.
I just got a call that my cousin Becca is coming to visit me! For those of you who don't know, Becca was in the Peace Corps and lived in Panama for 3 years. She couldn't be in our wedding because she was in training to go to Panama (she would have been green, a color she had requested many many moons ago.) She hasn't found a job yet, so she's been a nomad, visiting her brother and sister-in-law and helping with their new baby, and now she's coming to see me. She's pretty much awesome and we fake argue all the time. Also in my humble opinion she's very "Vineyard." Maybe she should stay in Springfield. She is very excited about Askinose, as a lot of what she did in Panama centered around chocolate production, so we are going to go tour it on Tuesday. I've never toured Askinose, so that should be fun!
Ok I need to go get dressed, since I'm getting out of the house today. :) Feeling happy for the moment- shall not look into the future.
You don't know me....but your situation was brought to my attention through a fb friend of mine Herb Berkley. He asked for prayers for Nathan and I was happy to reciprocate all the prayers that Herb had sent my way.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss and I know all too well the loss of a young spouse. While my husband was older than yours when I lost him...he was still young (39) by life standards.
Following your blogs....it is more than evident how strong a woman you are and I have no doubt you are going to eventually see that with the loss...there are blessings. It appears that you have already found some of those.
Take each day as it comes. Remember that you will feel how you feel until you don't feel that way anymore.....and don't let anyone tell you how you "should" feel. Life has a way of pulling you back in and yes...even healing that which at times feels unhealable.
I so look forward to more of your writing as your blogs are very poignant and beautiful. And always remember....even in life's most difficult journey's...we are never alone!
Lisa
Renee, I'm another one who knew of Nathan through Herb and also through his dad, Warren. My husband and I have known them since Warren came to preach for the church in McAllen in the 90's. I, too, was keeping Nathan and you in my prayers. I don't know the loss of a husband, but I have lost a son. It has been 22 years and I can tell you that sorrow is a funny thing. Sometimes, it seems to have faded away so much, I can barely feel it then some event or time of year or memory will bring it surging back. Of course, it is never as bad as the initial feelings of grief and loss and the farther away I get from that time, the more I know that the separation is only temporary. I'm glad Nathan is no longer hurting, too, and I'll continue to pray for you and his family to be comforted.
ReplyDeleteKaren Stubbs