Responding to the internet

Well I slept for nearly 12 hours... so apparently it's good that I went to bed when I did... and I'm feeling decidedly less mopey now, too. So that's good as well.

What's not good is some health issues that some of my friends are having. I don't want to really get into everything, because it's not my story to tell, but if you could pray for them I'd surely appreciate it. We've all been through more than enough stress and hard stuff this year... and it's only heading into the end of February. I really want to remember 2011 as a very very bad January and then a year of healing. I want to hear the Rocky training montage song in my head when I think of 2011... I want it to look like a sunrise.

I need to come up with plans for things to do every night of the week that I can completely bail on if I'm not feeling up to it. Cause that's not a tall order, eh?

I found this on a cancer website while looking for instructions on what things I need to make sure are being taken care of..

Responsibilities: In most families, each person is responsible for certain tasks. One person may do yard work and cooking, while another pays bills or does the laundry. When a spouse or family member dies, these jobs become the responsibility of surviving family members. Some tasks, such as doing the taxes, may be completely new, and having to learn a new skill can be stressful. If the deceased person was ill for a long time, family members who acted as caregivers may experience a feeling of emptiness now that their responsibility of caring for that person has ended. In fact, they may be flooded by emotions that they kept hidden during those final busy months of active caregiving.

I so understand that... My life does feel empty... I'm not driving Nathan to any appointments. When I want to go to sleep I just walk to my bed and lay down, without checking on anyone or doing last minute things that end up taking hours. I can get up and out of the house in 10 minutes or less, and am not neglecting anyone in the process... In a way there is a good deal of relief... and in a way there is so much more time than I have the ability to fill... There are a lot of things I *should* do with this time... but I just want to sit around reading or playing a game or talking to friends rather than thinking about what's going to happen next or what I need to be doing. I'm letting life happen around me... mainly cause I can't figure out where my place in the dance is now.

Something else I found while roaming the internets (I swear I have the most depressing search history ever!) is this website. There are a lot of things she says that I appreciate, identify with, or need to hear but here are some of my favorites... and my responses to them:

Why People Used to Wear Black Armbands
alternately titled, "Don't Mess with the Crazy Person"

After living through the loss of a husband, I now know why people used to wear black clothes or armbands during a formal mourning period. I used to think that it was kind of quaint, and was a way to honor those who have died. Maybe that is true, but I think it is more than that: it is a warning.

It shows others that we're not ourselves.

It warns others that if they do something wrong, we have the right to be irrational and holler at them. We may even thank them for being the target of our pent up feelings.

It announces that we may cry at the drop of a hat, and forget things, and may be wearing two different colored shoes.

It lets them know that we need love just the way we are, as crazy as we are, as we try to heal.

I vote we bring this practical custom back.

Don't mess with the crazy person, indeed...This is exactly how I feel... I don't want to only wear black... but I wish I could slap on a black armband and people would know what it meant... but to be honest if I saw someone with a black armband I'd probably think it was some reference to Nazis, neo-nazis or gangs... unless it was like a whole soccer team or something. Mourning wouldn't even cross my mind... or at least it wouldn't have in the past.

Stick or Run?
You'll start finding out who your friends really are.....

Being widowed is a crucible, and you'll find out pretty quickly who can stand the heat. I found that people almost universally broke into four different groups:

-- RUNNERS--it was almost like they thought cancer was contagious, and once my husband had passed away, the rest of them ran so they wouldn't have to deal with me, or their own uncomfortable feelings, or whatever. I say, good riddance.

-- MEAN WELL-ers--say they want to help, and genuinely feel bad about things--for awhile. This is human nature, that other things in life happen, their schedules and priorities don't mesh with yours, or that they get tired of always seeing you cry. I don't bear them any ill will, because I understand exactly why it happens.

-- LOOKY-LOOS--who want to be part of your story. The drama appeals to them, either to live it with you, or so they gossip to others how much they know, and how much they've helped you. You can either weed these people out, or just ignore them and keep your personal business away from them...........unless you want it broadcast to the known world.

-- JEWELS AND GEMS--those rarest of rare friends, the ones who understand that if you call at 11 PM saying, "I can't stand to be in my house alone tonight" that means they need to get in their car, bring a toothbrush, and sleep on your sofa. These are the rare ones that go out of their way to include you in their holidays or their outings (even if you do kill all the conversation the moment you show up), who check in with your answer machine every day (because you're so demented you don't answer the phone anymore) just to say they're thinking of you , and that they love you. or who surround you as a buffer at those tough social situations.

I'm so very, insanely glad that for the most part I've only seen the gems... There are always going to be the well-mean-ers... and honestly I think that those relationships break down from a lack of friend-chemistry more than anything else... It's hard to be there for someone with whom you don't have anything in common or whom you just don't "click" with... Plus you have to build up "relationship points" (I'll try to explain that in my next blog) and it's hard to build up those points without any common experiences. I've only run into a few looky-loos and runners, but as I mentioned I'm incredibly lucky, because I have 15-20 jewels and gems that I can think of just off the top of my head, and so many more that would be if we just lived in the same place.

Want to HELP someone who's been widowed?
Advice for friends and family

Trying to help someone who's been through loss can be tough. You may offer help, and they may turn you down, they may cry a lot or not show up when you've invited them somewhere. Here's a few ideas on how you can help:

-- Don't lead, FOLLOW. The new widow may not know where they are leading you, or what they'll need tomorrow, but you can just be there when they need it.

-- Give advice cautiously--Don't tell the new widow what to do, unless absolutely necessary (like nuclear disarmament necessary) or unless they ask you. Really. This is their story, and their grief may lead them in all sorts of directions that may not make sense to you, but may be part of their healing.

--Let them go at their own pace . Different people grieve different ways, at different speeds. She may be having a great week, then suddenly have a very tough time with grief. This is normal.

-- Be aware they're not going to be "themselves" for awhile--It's nothing personal, but you may look at your friend or family member and wonder where they've gone, and who is the alien that has taken their place. Grief, like any major life event, changes people.

A lot of times I look at myself and wonder where I've gone and who this needy alien is... But knowing that I have people who love me no matter what alien shows up today is a huge comfort... though I'm not totally sure that I agree with that first suggestion about not leading...It's true I don't know where I'm leading... but it's also true that sometimes I really just want someone else to take over and boss me around and tell me what to do... I'm not used to having this much control over my life. Just give me the plan and let me approve it. Options are overwhelming.

When looking at widows.....
...DON'T JUDGE THEM.

Some will get in a new relationship and be remarried within weeks or months of their spouse's death. Some will blow their money, or neglect their kids, or go through men like potato chips. Some will request meds for depression, and some won't.

To you, the behavior may make no sense, but to them, it is their way...THEIR WAY....of surviving.

Love them anyway, and only interfere if they're doing something really, really stupid (recreational drugs, etc).

Kara told me that the only thing I could do that would be wrong, right now would be to go out get drunk and bring some guy home for the night... and since I don't think mourning gives you a pass on morality... and I'm soooo not the type anyway, I think I'm pretty safe... but it's nice to hear someone saying that I shouldn't be judged since I so often fear other people judgments... I'm not a judger and I think I'm a reasonably cool person... and I think I'm handling this as well as can be expected... through a lot of heavenly grace and a lot of earthly support... but oooh how I hate to think that someone is out there disparaging me and the way I have to handle this. I just want everyone to love me and think I'm awesome... even the Taliban... the only reason they don't love me is cause they don't know me.

Right?

Right, guys?