Did I tell you that I've had to pull myself back from watching my wedding video? I've had to do it like three times. It sounds like the worst idea ever but I still really want to. I don't have a lot of video of Nathan, not the grown up version anyway, and I miss him and I wanna see his mannerisms and hear his voice... Ach, I wanna hear his voice so very badly. I've hit this fresh wave it seems, and it's not even so much grief as it's missing... I'm missing so very hard right now.
When I was at home talking to someone in line for Foster's visitation they mentioned that their daughter works in Cox and she just got moved to "some x-ray sonogram thing where they put ivs in" and I said, "Oh, inter-venial radiology."And they looked at me like I grew a second head... and I thought... This was my life for 16 months... I know who they call to put in pic lines.
I'm not really a good person. I want people to think I am and I try and act like I am... but I can be so irritable and petty and *so* self-centered in my head. I have a pretty stoic exterior so people usually can't tell, but I really think some days the only thing holding me back from being a complete rotter is that I don't want to disappoint anyone. Fear of consequences... sometimes that's the only thing keeping me in line. Do you understand what I mean?
It's no good wanting something specific.... Because people try to fix the problem by giving you suggestions of things that aren't quite what you want and you feel spoiled and petulant saying, "No. I want *this* thing."
And then they say, "Well, I can't give you this- have you tried that?"
and you respond, "No I don't want that I want this."
But you know what? Sometimes there just *isn't* a replacement for chocolate except chocolate and no amount of almond bark or carob chips are going to replace it, and trying to pass off the fake stuff just irritates the person with the craving.
The first rule of conserving magical energy is to not be too specific and let the magic judge what the most efficient use of itself is. Every good fantasy nerd knows this. I just am not sure how to get less specific. What can I say? I'm a girl who knows what she wants... at least for the current 5 seconds.
I think your fear of consequences puts you into good company. Even when there may be no earthly consequences, the thought of God being disappointed in me keeps me in line. It doesn't make you a rotter - it makes you human. If I don't ask whether God would be disappointed in me or proud of me for taking a certain course of action, I'm not sure if I would always know what the correct course of action is.
ReplyDelete