Lonliness and vampires

Went to the store tonight and bought gray nail polish.... well actually gray, black, and white nail polish. (3 colors, not one epic polish of wonder.)

The gray will make it's debut in the real world tomorrow at church. It's pretty.

I hate being alone. I hate not having someone around all the time... I found myself angry today. Perhaps I'm finally coming across the anger stage of grief... I was angry. Angry that I have to go to the store by myself. Angry that I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm in a checkout line in Wal-mart that is taking 400 years. Angry that I come home to an empty apartment and that there is only one pillow on my bed and that I don't have anyone to put my arm around their waist when I just want to lay in bed and think and accidentally fall asleep.

I so miss that. I so miss the companionship. Someone who would know if I'd eaten dinner yet... someone to worry about if they hadn't eaten dinner yet. Someone to hold me when I cry and to kiss my forehead and to tell me it's going to be ok. Of all the horrible things about death and cancer, for me the loneliness is the hardest... and the most impossible to fill... cause there just isn't anyone around at 1:15 AM when you desperately need a friend. And there are so few people who I can let see me cry... My pain feels so personal... So much of my life I live out on display. I'm willing to tell anyone just about anything.... things that others can't believe I would share, I have no compunction against... but the tears... to just sit and cry for completely selfish reasons... That's the stuff I keep inside.... until it's 3 in the morning and I can't blame it on lack of sleep or hunger or not getting enough vitamins or anything else in my huge repertoire of excuses... Until I have to admit that the reason why I'm crying is because I'm alone when I don't want to be, and I've been alone for longer than I ever thought I would have to be again, and I will be for as much of the future as I can foresee (which I admit isn't very far because I'm afraid to look farther into the future than a month or two.)

I know people make fun of it, but I know why Bella just laid down in the woods, and then went into a walking coma for months after Edward left... I'm not a Bella-type, but every once in a while the urge is still there, and I do *understand.* Maybe if I went into a walking coma I could wake back up around the time when someone started caring enough to pull me out of it, instead of having to be my own blasted rescue all the time.

Then again I think the girl who fights her way out is probably far more deserving of someone caring enough to want to protect her... and honestly werewolves aren't really my type. I've always been more a vampire girl.