I recently connected with an old friend on facebook who said that she'd skimmed my blog. I went back and looked at my blog recently and it's a big ole downer. All I can say is that I hope she skimmed more than just the first "page."
Oh, I can also say the lack of internet in my home makes me moody, introspective, and morose... perhaps it's a really good thing I wasn't born in the 50's as I've always said I should be.
That said, I need to fill you in on something that isn't actually much of an upbeat topic. But hang in there with me cause we're gonna try and end on a note that's more uplifting than downtrodden, and by "we" I mean "me, with you along for the ride."
On Tuesday, Tim sat down with me and let me know that the church can no longer afford to keep me on staff. My last day will be April 12th. I suppose that might be a shock to some people, but I'd been seeing the numbers and I suspected this might have to happen. Tim was upset about it, and he emphasized that this has nothing whatsoever to do with performance. He said that there were many times when I kept him sane, and he wasn't really sure how he was going to be able to manage without me. He also said he'd write me awesome reference letters and do whatever he could to help with the transition.
The very hardest thing about this all actually hasn't been getting laid off. It's been that Nathan isn't here. This is the type of thing you are supposed to be able to turn to your partner and be scared about. This is the stuff that I'm supposed to be able to hear him say, "It's all going to be ok" about... or, "I'll take care of you." This is the time when I'm supposed to be able to bounce all sorts of ideas off of him and he's supposed to tell me if they are crazy or not. If you check back to my Monday night/Tues morning blog you can see a bit of my "in the moment" response. (I pretty much knew Monday night, but there wasn't official confirmation.) And it might sound strange, but the fact that Nathan can't help me deal with this... well it just proves in a whole new way that he's gone. And that hurts, because no one but a husband can be a husband.
But I'm working my way through that... and yes this feeling of adrift-ness, it very much does suck.
Oh boy, yep, it sucks. And I've definitely thought... "Really? You are gonna throw something else awful at me? How many blows am I expected to take??" I'd say I identified with Job, but honestly... he had it worse than me, and I don't really want it to get any worse, thanks.
BUT (here's where we start the uplifting hopeful portion of tonight's offering.)
I think that if nothing else I've proven that I'm good at adapting to change.
That said, I hate it, so I try not to initiate change if I can help it.
I can't help this, but this change might be good for me.
I've always said that being the church administrator was a job, not my career. It was exactly what I needed for the past 4 years of my life. If I'd still been teaching when Nathan got cancer our insurance wouldn't have been
nearly as good, and a school could never have given me the flexibility that the church was able to with Nathan's ever-present doctor appointments. They couldn't have given me 4 day weekends, and I wouldn't have been able to spend near as much precious time with him. In short, I would have been working so much harder and been getting far far less.
But it's not a career.... and I think it's time for change. The year has passed and I can start to make big life decisions again. But I probably wouldn't have, because I like to remain in the status quo. But now I don't really have a choice...
So I looked on job sites and looked at various job postings... and they all sounded terrible, and I thought, "Maybe I've just been spoiled by the church"... and maybe that's true a bit... but for the things I'm qualified for (teaching high school again is not an option I want to pursue... ever.) It just all felt really wrong. It felt like I was just staying at the same level. I wasn't challenging myself, I wasn't bettering myself, I was just looking for another job and which is not good enough to support me long term and it's not good enough to keep me engaged in my life. Plus, it just felt terrible.... Maybe you don't often make decisions on your feelings, but... honestly my "gut" is pretty smart. So then I started thinking about what else I could do...
Move back to my parents house and become a hermit...
Move to the airport and re-enact "The Terminal" which I've actually never seen, but at least there would be people...
Go work in an old lady's quilt shop and take it over from her when she retires....
Start a psychic detective agency with my best friend....
and then I thought about getting a Masters.
Here's the thing, me getting a Masters was always part of the plan. It was supposed to go,"Get married, Nathan gets Masters and then a decent job, Renée gets her Masters very slowly while also having children." It was a good plan. But a wrench sorta got thrown into it... but now... there is no reason for me not to... and I can get a graduate assistantship or some sort of on-campus employment, and be pretty much at exactly the same pay level as I was, but by the end of it I will have a degree where I might be able to teach college, or I will have a book written or something.
And I was looking at the requirements online and, I kid you not, it felt like coming home. It felt so right. As wrong as looking at job postings felt? This felt that right.
It even gives me the summer to focus on writing my book. It's like everything just clicked for me... Pure genius.
One small hiccup in the genius plan, though. The "priority" deadline for admission has already past. I've not taken the GRE, I don't have letters of recommendation, and I don't even know if there are graduate assistantships available for the fall semester, which I would kinda need. I've got an e-mail out to the English Department Graduate Advisor, right now. I'm hoping that he will e-mail me back soon and I can go in to talk to him and find out if my genius idea is even feasible.
So pray for me... pray that these things really do click rather than just clicking in my head.
But please, don't pity me. I hate feeling pitied. Hate hate hate.. with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. I'm still me. I want approval and affirmation (always!) but I want it because I deserve it, not because you feel bad for me. It's hard... but gosh darnit, I've gotten through so much worse, and I can get through this, too!
... though if I don't get the internet at my new place fixed soon, then I might not be able to make it.☺
*weak cough* I got the black lung, Pop.
