The startle

Tonight I went and saw Jurassic Park at the Palace with a bunch of people... I understood it a lot better than I did when I was 10 (11? 12?) and my mom bought it because she went to the same high school as Jeff Goldblume.

It's still an enjoyable movie, though some of the crazy advanced "technology" is pretty funny now.

There were a few times where I jumped... not because I was scared, but because they are good at making you startle.... oooh movie makers, you so clever.

And when I jumped I kinda wished for a someone. A someone whose arm would be around me... or next to me. A someone who I could grab or "hide" in his shirt. Not because I was scared, but because it was a good excuse to be close to him and he smells good.

And I imagined that someone would tease me about being scared, while still enjoying the fact that I apparently expected him to protect me from the big bad dinosaurs.

Yes, that's right, I wanted a someone so that I could be teased.

But you it's those moments. Those "fun" moments that I think I miss the most often. It's kinda hard not to miss them most often... There are so many times when I want to share the joke.

Yeah it's nice and even important to have the someone for the big moments or for the hard moments or the scary moments... but usually those moments are far between and laughter happens every day, if you're doing it right. There is just *so much* fun to be had in this life. Teasing and laughter and talking about nothing and giggling about less than nothing.

I really wish they had cell phones in heaven. I mean I can call to Asia or Europe or Timbucktu. Heck, I can even video chat to all those places. But there aren't any satellite signals in heaven.  I wish there were. I miss his voice, and I miss the laughter that was never far away. I think the hardest thing about death to truly understand or accept for me is that there is nothing more. I won't ever hear another original thought from his brain.

So I can't stay in this phase of my life, and frankly I don't want to... but I seem to be having a hard time getting out of it, as well.

I keep asking God what I'm waiting for, but He doesn't give me an answer...

I think perhaps because once I get the answer I won't be waiting any more.

Happy

 Tomorrow is a full day, but full of things that I really like to do.

I'm going to get my hair done.

The other day Kara (very generously) said that I've developed better hair than her. I think she's super nice for saying that, as Kara's hair is the hair by which I measure everyone else's hair... But that said I think she still wins, if by the sheer fact that she doesn't have to go to the salon every 2 months to maintain her hair. That said I really like going... I always feel so pampered and cosmopolitan while getting my hair done... and that's saying something, considering my head is covered in foil!

Then I go to laser hair removal... Once again making me feel completely spoiled. Yeah, it hurts a little, but boy howdy is it ever worth it... If I had unlimited funds I'd be doing my legs, but as it is I just continue to tear them up by shaving them. I should move to Europe... or are even the Europeans shaving their legs these days?

And then I have writer's group at 3 (yay!) Writer's group has been kinda spotty over the summer but I think it says good things that we are still doing it (even spottily.)

And that's it, really. Only 3 things. But three things I look forward to, all happening on the same day.

And I imagine I'll come up with other things I like to do as well, because I'm generally a pretty happy person and like a lot of things.

Dunno why, but I've been in a really good mood for the past week or so...

I'm making new friends.

And hanging out with the ones I already have.

And generally feeling confident, self-assured, charming, and happy.

OOOh *and* I put away all my laundry tonight... which is awesome, and doesn't happen that often.

Also my nails are one polish that is pink and orange and gold all at once. It's pretty. I tried to take a picture but it did it absolutely no justice.

There are good and happy things on the horizon line. I can feel them!

Can't we all just get along?

You know it's hot when opening your window at midnight doesn't actually cool off your house at all.

I seem to vascillate between these deep/thoughtful posts on widowhood and "(my) life after (his) death" and posts about nothing.

And I think the first posts are more interesting... but also a bit of a downer.

And the posts about nothing are funny- sometimes. But can also, pretty easily, be boring as all get out.

I wish there was a way that I could make interesting posts that are also funny, but that's a mighty hard thing to do every day. And it all has to come from me. There are other people in my life, but I can't really tell their stories for them. That's not cool.

And believe it or not there are still some secrets that I don't tell, you, dear blog. Mainly because you are on the internet and anyone could read you. For example, I don't tell you who I have a secret crush on. (Darren Criss isn't a secret crush, I'm pretty up-front with that one.) But I also don't tell you the few things that I would be embarrassed about or that I don't want people's commentary on...

And you may have noticed a distinct lack of anything political gracing my blog... That's because, as Kara put it the other day, I'm one of the most "politically dull" people ever.

I don't actually like politics at all and I don't like people knowing where I stand on hot button issues. Why you ask?

Well, it's pretty simple.

You can insult people by having an opinion.

Oh no, it's true. I'm not making this stuff up.

I don't get insulted by people's opinions, but that doesn't mean that I agree with them. I will listen to someone talk all day about what they think, even if I don't agree with them at all.... as long as they don't know that I don't agree with them. Because as soon as they know where I stand they start trying to convince me or they try and engage me in a debate (aka arguement) about them. 1) I hate the hard sell, and 2) I find absolutely no enjoyment in a serious debate.

Now get me into a good debate on whether or not stuffed animals need eyes, and I'm allll over that. (You laugh, but my cousin Becca and I seriously argued about that for months. -I'm pro-eyes.) But no one takes that stuff seriously or personally, it's just being silly.

But if it's serious.. if it's an issue where there are real people involved? If it's an issue that really matters to someone? I absolutely 100% vehemently do not want to argue about it. It's too easy to stop hearing the other person and just think about what you believe. It's too easy to get up in arms, it's too easy to make the person who was your friend not 5 minutes ago into "one of them," and it's way way way too easy to make attacks personal, when you *feel* the matter personally.

So I don't share what I think... and yeah, I'm sure my biases come out in a multitude of  subtle ways, but if I can avoid being divisive, I will.

Cause that's the thing... if Dr. Who has taught me nothing, it's that we all have a lot more in common than we sometimes think.

In the absence

Kara and I were talking the other night about the preaching mentoring class and Nathan, and she said, "Nathan would have been supportive.... Shocked as hell, but supportive."

I laughed and I said, "Nathan wouldn't have believed us if we told him."

And she laughed, because it's totally true, and then she pointed out. "Well, Nathan would be going through it. I mean I think that's a foregone conclusion. Anyone who knew Nathan knows that he would have been going through it, it was just a matter of time."

And I agreed, because I did, in fact, know Nathan. And then one of us... I'm not sure if it was her or me mentioned that if Nathan were here, I probably wouldn't be doing the mentoring. And that's when Kara got a little verclemnt.

We've often talked how in marriage a spouse takes up the slack, wherever there is slack. That means that if one person is sorta a big ideas person and the other is kinda a details person, when they get in a relationship they will polarize. If one person is a little bit shy-er and one person is generally more gregarious then they will each tend to become more so. Both of those examples are things that happened with Nathan and I. But since his death (as I've mentioned over and over) I've changed, and Kara drew the analogy that it's actually rather similar to the marriage thing.. but that in the absence of Nathan I've taken up some of the slack that he left.

Not in that I've reverted to my "original" state, but that being married to him really did change me- That "becoming one in Christ" is more than a lovely metaphor-- and that a part of Nathan lives on in me... In some ways I'm now more Nathan than I am Renee. Nathan was the outgoing one... but I'm picking that up. Nathan was the confident one... but I'm learning. Nathan is the one who would have been in preaching mentoring. Nathan is the one who would make good friends with people just by being in class with them. Nathan is the one who gave a little bit of himself to everyone he knew. I didn't think I had much to say, I didn't talk to my classmates unless I already knew them- or they befriended me. I gave all that I was to my friends, but if you weren't "in" then I gave nothing of myself.

But now, as Kara said, I'm really living for more than just me. In the absence of Nathan a little bit of him has been overwritten on me. I've held on to some of the best of him.

I mentioned to her that is why I didn't change my name back to Miller. A few people asked me soon after he died, if I would change my name back. It was never even something I considered. Dunn is what my last name is, now. Nathan caused that fundamental of a change. My name should be different than what it was when I was born... It should be partly his. And that's the reason for the tattoo... because my last name may not always be Dunn, but now I will always have a symbol of the change that has been wrought in my life.

Kara wondered outloud if Nathan and I had just met if we would still even find each other as attractive.
I think she said something to the effect of, "I mean not that he loved that you were a mouse or anything, but he did like to be the one in the spotlight." I laughed and responded.

I'm not expecting that a new man in my life will be very much like Nathan. Especially not the Nathan that I first met and fell in love with. But honestly, I don't think even using the "updated" Nathan they will be much alike. Oh, there will be a few things. I think he'll encourage the best in me. I think he'll have some sort of artistic talent. I think he'll have a strong faith... but everything else? I don't really even know for sure what it is that this version of me needs, so I have no idea what he'll be like. Nathan came as a lovely surprise---all these things that I didn't even know I wanted until I had them... I expect another guy will be much the same. I'm certainly not looking for another Nathan... I'd never find him.

One note that I think is obvious, but I need to say- this is all with the understanding that if Nathan were still alive we would still be very much in love. I wouldn't be this different and we would have been evolving together and we would be looking forward to our 5th anniversary in July with all the excitement that we looked forward to our 1st anniversary. The only scenario in which I would be thinking and saying things like this, is the scenario I find myself in.

You know, it still surprises me sometimes. How did something this dramatic happen to me? It's not the type of thing that happens to the country girl from the middle of nowhere.

Except apparently, it is.

Mish-mash

I got to hang out with two Karas yesterday. The first Kara waves at rooms full of people when she's leaving- like a rock star getting on her tour bus....even though no one really cares that much or is even looking at her. She also drops her iPhone in cups of hot chocolate. (Ok, it was just the one time, but that's enough.)

The other Kara calls me a lot and leaves me messages and they are hilarious. In them she has multiple personalities, including hyper Kara, Asian Kara, unintelligible Kara, tired Kara, and a game show host Kara.

I want to discuss these messages more, but I don't think I could do them justice... I think you might have to be Kara or I to really find them as funny as we do but here's one of my favorite quotes, "I can't hang out with you tonight, but maybe you can call me and we'll talk on the phone, like two old ladies who talk on the phone.... or two hummingbirds who also talk on the phone."

I think that one is accessible enough that everyone can understand it and be amused.

Today I found two things that I want.  The first is "nail stickers." Used to easily make awesome designs on your nails. You can see an example of said awesome nails on this blog.

The second is in this almost fully funded Kickstarter. (Probably will be fully funded by the time you read this, and they'll have upped their "goal.") It's a manga involving a baby unicorn, and ancient Greek Gods.... It's as though someone took everything I loved as a pre-teen and made a book about it (with pictures.) Waaaaant!

Oh and I added a gadget so that you can read a blog post and maybe find blog posts that are similar that you like. That's pretty cool, right? I think I'm gonna redesign my look and feel sometime soon... I'm bored with it. Anyone want to do it for me for free? I'd let ya.

Also I spent an insanely long amount of time this afternoon making plaid nails in homage to my men's shirt.

Seen here, with said shirt in the background!

.... I apparently didn't know when to stop when it came to the stripe-er. You know what word "striper" looks uncomfortably close to??

What? Stripe? ...uhhhh yeah, that's totally the word I was thinking of.

I think tomorrow I'm going to try and go to Starbucks and work... I haven't looked at my book in over a week, between family, and friends, and video game work. Need to get back to it.

Well this post is just a mish-mash of everything.

In other news pinterest is making me hungry and in case you were wondering, my head has not shrunk. It is still too large to wear cute hats....

I'm curious to see what posts the gadget thinks are like this one.

Activate!

I laughed a lot today because of a Kara.

I have more to say on this subject, but it's 1:30 and I'm totally exhausted so I'm actually going to listen to my body and go to bed. (To sleep at 5:30, up at 9 today)

In other news, I bought a men's, pearl snap, linen, plaid-printed shirt and it looks totally cute on me.

Androgeny is so hot right now.

You'd never know it was a men's shirt, except now I've told you..

 Oh and the buttons are on the wrong side..  Did you know that they put the buttons of men's and women's shirts on different sides? The zippers are switched, too.

This has been your FFD (Fun Fact of the Day)

I have no idea why they do this, but I think we could make up better stories anyway. In fact, you should make up a story of why and post it as a comment.

Interactive Blog Activate!

Going on a ramble

Tonight for one of the first times, I had a fake conversation with someone in my head...

I can't help but wonder if it will ever play out.

If it doesn't I think I will write it into a book... This is one of the perks of being a writer. If I have a good enough fake conversation I can just make it into a "real" conversation in print someday.

You know all those times you get a great idea for a comeback way way too late? Writers can always get their revenge by reenacting the scene in print and actually giving the great line.

It's rather brilliant, I'd say. I'm using the British version of "brilliant" there.. I really wanted to shorten it to  "brill" because I feel like that's some British slang (no clue if it actually is) but then I figured no one but me would understand... and perhaps some passing British chap, whose taken a slip road on the internet and found himself on my blog.

I'm gonna be really disappointed someday if I find out they don't really call exit ramps slip roads in Britain. They've never used one on Dr. Who, so I just don't know. Everything I need to know about England I learned on Dr. Who.

The first and foremost is that England has a rather sizable alien problem. (spaceships not foreign countries.)

I wish there was a way to stretch out your neck without using weird gold bands or surgery.

That's a roundabout way of saying that I wish my neck was longer.

Which is a roundabout way of saying that I don't wear my hair in a pony tail that often anymore and so I'm not used to how my neck looks.

Btw, I've been feeling like I look like I've lost several more pounds lately, but the numbers on the scale haven't changed at all. What is up with that? Am I gaining some stair climbing muscles? I can but hope. I certainly kept Mom and Dawn a-hopping in the mall and the amusement park, trying to keep up with me... apparently I walk fast for a short person.

You know what? I get really excited if I see someone I know when I'm out. It makes Springfield feel, just for a moment, like a small town.

From now on everyone should shop exclusively at Target. It's already where I see the most people I know, so it only makes sense.

The White Elephant in the Elevator

So there's something that I've been avoiding talking about for a while now.

In part because I don't know how some of you will respond to it. And in part because I'm not sure how I feel about it.

But that said, I really don't like edging around subjects as though they don't exist. If there is an elephant in the elevator with us I'd like to address it, and make it feel less awkward about how big it is. Maybe you won't agree with me that the elephant is white. Maybe you think it's purple and pink polka dotted. That's fine, but at least we won't be blundering about as if there isn't an elephant and standing uncomfortably close to each other but refusing to make eye contact and pretending we don't notice.

After telling Kara over a year ago that I wanted to be able to tell my story somehow she decided that I needed to be a member of the preaching team. (Just to be clear, that isn't her decision to make, she just likes talking as though what she wants is a reality.)

So I'm taking this class thing called a "preaching mentoring." It's something Tim does every now and again to find new people for the preaching team at church. With both Kara and Josh leaving in July, he sorta needed some new people. Going through the class in no way guarantees that a person will actually ever speak on a Sunday morning much less join the "team," it's just one of the necessary steps.

I agreed to do it for a few reasons. One was that I thought I wouldn't be very good, and the best way to get Kara off of a tear is to go along until she decides it was a bad idea (or a good one.) The second is that she said she would go through it again as a refresher and so that we could spend more time together. (At this point I say yes to virtually anything that gives us more time together. Your best friend moving away can get you to do all sorts of things you'd normally pass on.)

Now I'm not going to get into the complementarian/egalitarian debate... I think that's a much longer blog than I'm prepared to write... and I think it would probably be far more divisive than useful to anyone. Suffice it to say that I don't think it's a salvation issue, I would not do something that I had not researched in the Bible and prayed about (and felt it was ok,) and the only way to speak on a Sunday morning is to be invited by Tim, who also wouldn't invite someone to do something that he had not researched and prayed about and felt it was ok. And any of this is a moot argument at this point because no one's asked me to do anything as yet.

I will admit that I wasn't super jazzed about it, though. I remember my college Public Speaking class... I was not very good.

And then Kara said something I think was really smart. She said, "You know, Renée- speaking is just saying something that you've written out-loud."

I did know that, but I'd never really thought about it like that before... that Kara is so wise.

So on Tuesday I gave my 2nd speech/sermon/whatever. (Well, technically it was a revamp of the first one, but with an additional 5-10 minutes added.) And it went over really well...

And I realized that Kara might be right... and if she's right and if I am actually asked to speak on a Sunday morning, I probably needed to blog about it at some point so you aren't completely taken by surprise.

I've decided that I'm a little quirky when it comes to speaking. I know that most people really frown on using a manuscript as "notes" for a talk, but it really works for me. The most well received speeches I ever gave were manuscript speeches. (Mainly my valedictorian speech and both versions of the speeches I've given thus far.) I think as a writer, letting my mind fully form my arguments is very important. If I didn't, my mouth would sometimes get ahead of my brain and I might say things I don't actually agree with. Plus my performance background lends itself to treating a speech like a monologue... only way easier, because I am the character I'm playing and I wrote the text so I can change it on the fly if I want to.

I really do miss performing, so this scratches a tiny little part of the itch without taking up the amount of time a full show would. I guess I'm a little bit more of a showy Leo than I thought. I don't know if I wasn't trying hard enough in college, or if my teaching experience really helped something click inside me, but it looks like I'm better than I thought... I can't help but wonder if Nathan ever would have guessed I'd be in this place. I think he'd be laughing either way.

All Things Considered

Things that were frustrating about being married:

1) There comes a point when you realize that your spouse is not you, and sometimes will not agree with you about how something should be done and will, in fact, never agree with you. And there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.

2) You always have to make sure you are signed in as yourself on Facebook, lest you friend-request or comment as the wrong person.

3) You have to take turns with video games, computers, laptops, ect.

4) Going out to eat costs two times as much and ice cream lasts half as long.

5) Voluntelling. (Where your spouse volunteers you for something and then tells you about it after the fact.)

6) Sometimes you want to stay up later or go to bed earlier than he/she does... but you can't.

7) Almost all decisions require you to "check in" with your spouse... and it really sucks when he/she vetoes something you really wanted to do.


Things that are frustrating about being single:

1) You never have a reliable backup plan when everyone else is busy or out of town.

2) If you are thirsty you always have to get your own dang drink.

3) There is a constant undertone of insecurity and wondering how you are coming across to complete strangers.

4) It's hard to get a second opinion on fashion risks, someone else's thoughts on personal matters, the lid off the pickle jar, and something off the top shelf.

5) The girl always has to drive, take out the trash, and change the lightbulbs. The guy always has to bake, do laundry and dishes, and pay attention to how things smell.

6) There are lot fewer "inside jokes" and a lot less laughter.

7) There is no one to talk about your day with or fall asleep next to.

Things that were frustrating about being a caregiver for a loved one with cancer:

1) Everything that frustrated him

2) And pretty well everything else, too, except how much I loved him.

Conclusion:

I guess what I'm saying is there are good and bad things about where my life is, now. Yeah, I have a preference as to what I'd like it to be- but, all things considered, I can enjoy where I am, too.

There is an Easter Egg in this post.

It may be a bit odd, but I really enjoy reading about "myself" based on things I have no control over (Like my birthdate, my birth order, or my sign.)

I like seeing how in some ways these things are straight on accurate, and two sentences later they are describing someone the very opposite of me... I just find it all rather humorous.

For instance I was born smack dab in the middle of the Leo sign, so there is no questioning my Leo-ness... So let's read this description of a Leo together shall we? I'm going to put my comments in a different color so that it's obvious what I wrote. (The Leo description was taken from the Huffington Post. Follow this hyperlink!)

The Lion is considered the king of the jungle, and likewise you Leos have an air of royalty about you. Let me tell you, I would love it if I had an "air of royalty around me." I'd be all like, "Give me all your taxes! Let them eat cake! Off with their heads!" Some Leos even have hair resembling the thick mane of the Lion. Check! ...but so do 1/3 of all the people who aren't Leos.... sooo.... But Lions are more than roar, for they are truly magnificent beasts. The Lioness proudly cares for the young, hunts and takes care of survival with relentless intent and ferocity, when needed.  Caretaker, much? That's me. Protecting survival since 1983. And proud are you Leo! Perhaps that's why Leo often chooses work that puts you in the center of stage or in the spotlight of appreciation. I worked for 4 years almost completely alone... that is *not* center stage... of course I was also a theatre major, so fine. Fair play to the queen.

Leo are warm of spirit I try, eager for action not normally and are driven by a desire to be loved for what you bring to others. Ahahaaha! Ding ding ding! Leo are a magnanimous leader I try to avoid leading, but I like being magnamimous! and a faithful servant. uhhhhh Haven't been a servant before, but I'm a good caretaker! Once scorned in love, however, Leo will withdraw your affections and the light, once brilliant, can go cold. I go back and forth on this one... I think I do this... I'm normally the last person to give up on a friendship, and I wait for a long long time... but if I'm rejected for long enough that I do finally give up and then an attempt is made to rekindle the friendship I'm normally not interested... but for all I know that's a trait of a Pieces!

Leo motto might be "What you see is what you get." Yes. You tend to live your live straightforwardly Yes. and with a flair for drama. Kinda yes. In fact, many Leos are attracted to the theater, the performing arts and public relations, for you truly understand the importance of putting on a good presentation. Yeeeeeeeees. As you blaze gloriously through your life, remember to take time to acknowledge the feelings of those around you. If you forget, you could unconsciously hurt someone you love. Oh noooooo! :( But, if you remain aware your impact, others can benefit from your presence. Ok, see this is what I mean... I'll take the Most Generic Advice in the World for 1,000, Alex. Who doesn't this sentence apply to?

Element: Fire

Fire signs are naturally warm. *starts singing* "Hot Blooded! Check it and seeee. I got a fever- of a hundred and threeee!" A fire gives light and heat, but it doesn't get depleted as others feed on its warmth. One candle can bring light to a room and it won't burn any faster if ten people read from its light than if there was only one. DDDUUUUUDE That's like crazy deep! I never thought about it like that before. Whoa. Fire doesn't plan it next move; it isn't logical. It simply is in the moment and will burn what fuel is available without judgment or forethought. So you're saying I'm a Honey Badger? Honey Badger don't care! (Never actually seen the meme, but people laugh when I quote it still, so I keep doing it.) For this reason fire signs can successfully rely on their intuition and survival instincts. I think this means we are suppose to be really bad at planning, but I read somewhere else that the key to getting on a Leo's good side is admiration, so they found a way to say, "Yo, you suck at thinking ahead" in an admirable way.

The fire of Leo is brilliant and intense. It's like the summer Sun that relentlessly shows up every day and whose heat continues to build over a period of time. Yeah it is! Seriously though- what does this even mean? I feel like a hummingbird who has never met a another particular hummingbird.

Fifth House: Children

The Fifth House is directly related to children, but it is also associated with any type of childlike activity. Even grown-ups need to play and this is a function of the Fifth House. In fact, all self-expression and creativity comes from this sector. Additionally, this is the House of Romantic Love. Truly, the Fifth House could be called the House of Enjoyment. What the hey? First they told me that I'm child-like... then they tell me I'm an artist. THEN they tell me I'm a romantic... I think Disney bought out the fifth house. Disney probably could too. I bet they have enough money to buy out the universe just to get their own "house of mouse."

Key Planet: Sun Ok, who failed 3rd grade science? The Sun is not a planet! It's a mass of incandescent gas.

The Sun is the undisputed King of our little planetary system. He is always in the center. True-- therefore making "him" NOT A PLANET. Without his light, there would be no life here on earth. Although the Sun is 93 million miles distant, its warmth is the basis for all energy on Earth. Astrologically, the Sun represents our will. It's like the fuel that fires each of our individual furnaces and gives us cause to live. As the key planet of Leo, the Sun is the symbol of the self and from it stems all individuality and creativity. Whaaaa?? How did any of that tie together? Am I super distant? Do I give people cause to live? Am I the source of all individuality and creativity, because I'd really like to put a kabosh on the whole neon resurgence in fashion.... ugh.

Your Biggest Strength: Your playful and loving nature uhhhh sure?

Your Potential Weakness: Need for approval can become too important Ahahaha way to go out with a totally right one!

And yet no where in there do I hear the Leo's loyalty mentioned or the Leo's love for admiration... which are apparently big deals. I mean I've been hearing about the loyal Leos for years now.

Oh the things that people will make up!

Crazy-go-nuts

Today was insane for me.

First off I didn't get to sleep until 5:30 AM because of how much stuff I had to do to get ready for today.

Then I woke up later than intended so I threw clothes on and rushed downstairs and basically out the door with Dawn and Mom. We went to the mall where we found everything on Mom's "big city" shopping list including dark brown slacks for Dad, a new comforter set for them, and over 50 dollars worth of stuff at Old Navy so that she could get 10 dollars free, because Old Navy gives the gift of consumerism for a person's birthday.

I also got a new fragrance oil at Bath and Body Works for $3 and paid $1.25 for a cute little basket to hold all my fragrance oils in. So we were there until 12:30 or so and then we left the mall so I could come home and get ready for my GA interview.

I put on a skirt, heels, and jewelry, and then read up on basic interview questions, because we all know me and my first impressions... (though I do think I'm getting a lot better!)

Then I drove to campus and had the interview. I think it went really well. There weren't any red flags that I know of and I think the woman who would be my supervisor and I would get along pretty great. It's not surprising as she gets along with a lot of people who I know and vice versa, but you can never be certain until you actually meet! ... I should hear by next week. I'm hopeful but trying not to count them chickens afore their hatched.

Oh and while I was in the interview Ryan texted me to let me know that he had a big chunk of work for me tonight if I was available (video game work pours- if it rains). I told him after 10 PM I'd be available.

After the interview, I took an hour to clean up my speech for tonight... and while I made it coherent, I didn't get a chance to run through it, and I wasn't super happy with the flow. But I had to get going.

So then I came back home to change and get Mom and Dawn and then we went to Bass Pro because I've finally convinced my mom of the glory of Crocs. (It was the "comfortable for a lot of walking, but won't stay wet forever after going on a water ride in an amusement park" sell... what can I say, my family really likes amusement parks!)

We got her some Crocs (btw Bass Pro has a homemade ice cream maker that is either crank *or* electric and makes 6 pints. It was huge... and awesome.) Then we went to Cracker Barrel and ate and got my grandma some cds she mentioned wanting.

Everyone at Cracker Barrel was looking at me funny, though. I don't know why. I had changed back into shorts by then, so it's not like I was exceptionally dressy or anything, but they kept staring at me... I started to wonder if I looked like someone who worked there.... or a celebrity. I think I'd rather look like a celebrity than a Cracker Barrel employee.

After CB we hit The Cup, because I've indoctrinated my family members.

And then it was straight to Jonny and Katie's where I dropped Dawn and Mom off and picked up Johnny.

We went to the church slightly early and I ran through my speech.

I finished exactly at 7, ran downstairs, listened to another presentation and then gave mine. (I will likely blog about this a little more in depth tomorrow... tonight is just for being overwhelmed with the amount of things I've done today.

So, Critiques/feedback and a short class, then back to K&J's and back home.

Then I ate the cupcake from the Cup, planned tomorrow's leaving schedule, and got to work for Ryan. Worked on video game stuff until 2:15, wrote a blog and soon I'll sleep.

Oh and between the Cup and the speech, one of my writing group buddies texted and wanted to know if I could switch weeks and go this week.... like send out my stuff tomorrow-ish. Holy Crap, no I can't! I have the base word count, but no time for editing or revisions or even a cursory glance!

You know it's bad when a day spent at an amusement park sounds relaxing...

-ly

It's going to be a short post- utterly by necessity.

Henceforth are the necessities:

1) My mom and my aunt, Dawn, are in town, staying with me for a few days, which means that I woke up a lot earlier today than I usually do, after going to bed at a time that was even later than normal. *is not a super genius*

2) The "early" rising pattern will likely continue for several days. (Namely, as long as they are with me.)

3) I have a presentation tomorrow evening that I haven't worked on for practically two weeks.

4) My hair needs to be curly for tomorrow.

5) I have an interview I totally need to prep for (tomorrow at 2, for the GA position- pray for me!)

6) Because I'm running on 4-5 hours of sleep, I'm completely exhausted and it's not even 10. Seriously considering taking a nap, and waking up in a few hours so I can actually get some work done.

Dang it! My time management skills are normally a lot better than this!






Also, I like adverbs.

The Kindest People in the Whole of Humanity

Here's the thing.

I think the people who read my blog are probably the kindest people in the whole of humanity.

And it's pretty safe to say this, because you are reading this blog, so I think you are one of the kindest people in the whole of humanity. (It's kinda a win-win thing for me to say, because it's both true and virtually impossible to disprove.)

Anyway I say this because of how you respond to me.

Whenever I write a blog post about being sad or lonely or upset, I always get this outpouring of compassion, encouragement, prayer, and love via comments on the post or facebook.

Nothing is forcing you to write me a note, and yet so many of you do-- and often times you are thanking me for being honest or open.... or telling me to hang in there... or that you think I'm beautiful

Really, it's me who should be thanking you. You make it safe for me to say exactly what I'm feeling, because you don't judge me.

You don't judge me for being happy, or shallow, or pensive, or upset.

You don't judge me for being inconsistent or contradictory.

Those of you who see me in person on a semi-regular basis don't assume that just because I blogged with one emotion that I'm still feeling that way when you see me, but you do check in- just to make sure that I'm doing ok.

I know I haven't gone at this grief process in a "typical" way... But I've never felt like someone thought I was too happy or was judging me for "getting over it" too quickly. And in the same vein, I never feel judged for those moments (like yesterday) when it still hurts as much as it did at 8:31AM that day almost a year and 5 months ago.

You all just accept me as I am and you don't judge me for my weaknesses. You love me for them.

You genuinely love this girl who I sometimes think is being whiney and indulgent and selfish.

It's all just really reassuring to a non-emotional girl wading through this emotional tempest.

Thank you for helping me create this safe space, thank you for loving me through the hard spots, and thank you for your prayers.

My life could be so much harder than it is, but every single one of you help lighten the load, and I'm eternally grateful.

Wedding Tears

I think I bragged too much about how I didn't cry at weddings when Bill and Lissa got married... got my comeuppance today.

Today I went to a wedding (the one I made the cookies for.) This was the wedding of an old college friend, and to be fair it was a lot different than Bill and Melissa's

For one, I didn't have anything to do- I was just a guest.... who brought 186 cookies.

Also,there were a lot of people there who I hadn't seen, or seen only once, since Nathan's diagnosis and/or death. And they looked at me like people used to look at me-- before they got used to (again) me being me and not the girl whose husband died. I hate that look. I know they can't help it, but I *hate* that look.

For another thing a lot of them were people that Nathan knew pretty well, but I didn't really know them-- Just enough to recognize each other, but not enough to have a real conversation.

And last, nearly everyone was in a couple- and mostly couples that got together around the same time that Nathan and I did.

So it was kinda the perfect storm to remind me of both how alone I feel and how much I miss Nathan.

It was a gorgeous wedding. They had a whole bunch of battery powered candles in glass bulbs hung from the ceiling on wires. It looked absolutely enchanting. If I can figure out a way to steal this idea for my someday-wedding, I will.

And the couple wrote their own vows... but not in the way you see in movies (where they just talk) but in that they came up with nine promises to each other, which was really nice...

And that's when I cried, because Jake went first, and one of his promises was "If you get sick I promise to love and take care of you." And the tears started flowing.... but it was manageable.... normal wedding-three tears, type thing.

But then Chrissy went and said virtually the same thing about Jake getting sick and taking care of him, and while I wasn't audible I was definitely making an ugly-faced cry, trying to get myself under control.

There was a lot wrapped up in those tears. They were grief tears and lonesome tears and pain tears, and honestly some self-pity tears in there, too.

The only way I got under control was to promise myself I could go fall to pieces in my car afterwards...

Of course,  by the time the wedding was over and I actually could have fallen apart I didn't need to.

But gosh- I just wanted someone there for me- Someone who would understand how hard it was for me to hear those words and whose hand I could squeeze super tight for a second. Whose shoulder I could lean on... or who would kiss my temple just to say he understood.

Sometimes I don't understand why I don't have a bevy of men falling at my feet, trying to convince me to choose them... and other times I wonder if there is anyone else out there who is right for me...

I really hope there is...

...I have so much left to give.

Between Target and Four Million Cookies

It's pretty obvious that I've been thinking about how I've changed since Nathan's diagnosis and death lately.

Well, today I had lots of introspective time as I baked 4 million cookies.

OK, ok I admit- it wasn't 4 million.

But it was over 200!

And as I was introspecting, a few things came up in my mind in regards to my conversation at Target yesterday.

The first was how very much I've changed since college in regards to my self-confidence and trust in others to be decent people. There was a time when I never would have struck up a conversation with that guy. (Yes, it took me a bit to actually say something, but the point is that I did.) And the thing is I wouldn't have spoken to him back in the day, because I would have assumed that I had nothing to offer him. How I interact with people is so wrapped up in how I can help them- what I can do. And in college I would have assumed that he didn't need more friends- he seemed popular and I likely thought that if I ever tried to have a conversation with him, he would have just thought I was annoying. (Honestly I'm not sure that with this guy in particular I ever had an opportunity to interact, but now he's become a metaphor for all the people in my life that I didn't try to befriend because I was scared.)

Oh, I was so insecure! So much of my life has been dictated by choosing to be out of the group so that I wouldn't appear to be hurt if I wasn't accepted in the group. So much of my life has been dictated by making sure that it looked like I wasn't hurt by anything.

And I really did think that most people would just be annoyed with me unless they initiated a conversation/friendship. I think I can probably trace this belief back to a very specific happening in Jr. High... but kids are crappy in Jr. High, and I shouldn't have still been living my life in so much fear 5-6 years later.

Cause you know what? I talked to him yesterday and he was super nice. He seemed happy to be talking to me. I even started to walk away and he called me back with a question. These aren't the actions of someone who is annoyed. And he was working so he might have even had a reasonable excuse as to why he didn't want to just stand around talking to some random girl.

And that's another thing. Striking up one conversation doesn't make me seem like I'm desperate for friends or a psycho or anything... It just means I'm friendly... Do you know how long it's taken me to fully accept this realization?

And I think, what has really made the difference between me-then and me-now is that if he had thought I was annoying (or any other negative descriptors)- I wouldn't then think that meant it was true. I have a lot more intrinsic value than can be seen by a complete stranger in one conversation. I actually think I'm pretty great, and I have enough other people who agree that I don't *need* the entire rest of the world to think so as well.

Don't get me wrong, I still *want* them to. ;)

The other thing the conversation made me think of is in regards to ambition.

The guy was talking about how, in Theatre, there is so much "making sure your name is still out there."

And my response was, "Yeah, that's actually why I went into the education side. I never had the ambition for it all."

And that's still true... but it's strangely different than it used to be.

Way back in the day the title of this blog was "minus ambition." Still, the web address is http://minusambition.blogspot.com ... my first post was regarding why my blog/myself was "minus ambition." And I think most of the things on that first post are still true... but I also say on a regular basis now that I want to be a published author.

That's a big ambition! So how do I justify the difference?

Well, I think two ways... the first is that the heart of what I said is still true. All I really want is to be happy. When it all comes down to it, I want to be happy more than anything else.

The second is that, while I still think I would be happy with a small life in which I really only make a difference to my family, I'm not sure that's what's in the cards. Ever since Nathan's diagnosis I've been dealing over and over with the fact that my plans are not necessarily the same ones that God has for me... I think that God's plans for me might be a little bigger than my own were. (Sidenote, if it's true, I think it's a little funny that God has to push me to live a life that's bigger. Seems like the reverse would be much more common.)

Now, I don't know if I'm right, but here's the great thing- If it's not my plan, then I don't have to be in charge. I just have to keep doing what I think I should and maybe some day I will be published and I'll be blogging about how they are going to be turning my book into a movie (That's my highest dream.) And if I'm writing a book that will never be published and I end up living my sweet simple life after all?

Well, I still can't really see how that's a bad thing.

Isn't it funny the things you can ponder between Target and 4 million cookies?

Today's story

I'm super proud of myself.

I saw this guy working in the electronics department of Target, and I recognized him.... but in that distant way that tells you that while you've never had an actual interaction, you've seen him a lot... somewhere.

So I saw him, and I recognized him, but I couldn't place him.... and I thought about just straight out asking him where I knew him from, but I wasn't talking to him, I was just looking at headphones and trying to figure out what I actually needed from electronics, because I didn't write it down. But he smiled at me and I smiled back and I kept thinking. "Why is he so familiar?" And I never did remember what I needed in electronics, possibly because I was so distracted trying to place him in the vortex of my cerebellum.

I thought maybe he was a Soar Leader when I was a freshman, or maybe he was in Beartones or maybe he was in theatre... Some type of person in charge or performer where I had spent some time watching him, but he'd have no way of knowing who I was, so there was no way he was just going to tell me where I recognized him from.

It drove me absolutely nuts, but I'm shy... so I didn't say anything to him, because - I mean he's working, for heaven's sake! He doesn't need me to interrupt, to ask him random questions about 10 years ago.

Then I came home and remembered- Ink cartridges! My printer is nigh-on out of ink, and I need replacements- and the cartridges at Target are a good 1.50 cheaper than Wal-mart.

So I treked back to Target today, and grabbed the cartridges and the guy was working again... and I didn't say anything to him.

I know! I'm ridiculous.

But then I went and found some art that was on clearance that I wanted to buy... and then I remembered I needed to buy a floor length mirror... only I didn't have a cart cause I was just thinking I'd grab the ink, and my empty Starbucks cup made it impossible for me to carry everything...

But I could throw away an empty Starbucks cup-- and you know where stores have trashcans? Behind the counter in electronics. Yes! A kickstarter for me to talk to this guy and finally set my mind at peace.

*And* I did it! He was a theatre-performance kid (He was actually in a ton of shows- thus why I recognized him.) He didn't recognize me but he shouldn't have, as I'm not sure that we'd ever actually spoken before... though he did remember that I was in there yesterday, which made me feel kinda silly. (I explained my ink forgetful-ness.) Anyway he was super nice and we chatted for a several minutes and it wasn't weird or awkward or anything and I'm still all in one piece, even after initiating a conversation.

One point in the "overcoming shyness" category for me! I'm counting this as a successful "adventure."

You're super proud of me, too, aren't you?!

*nods*

Thought so.

StrengthsFinder

So for a while I've been wanting to take the Strengths Finder Test again.

I thought that with how much different I feel since Nathan's death I'd probably come up with some answers that were different (while I assumed some would stay the same.) So today while I was in Barnes and Noble I went ahead and bought the book again so that I could take the test again. And I was right- it's different... and the same... and I think the ways in which it is different is telling.. and the ways in which it is the same is rather telling as well.

The first time I took the test I got: Empathy, Communication, Responsibility, Input, Woo

The second time I got: Empathy, Adaptability, Communication, Individualization, Woo

So Empathy, Communication, and Woo were the same, though Communication went down a notch.

So what does that mean? (all block quotes are taken from my StrengthsFinder 2.0 Report which is copyrighted by Gallup, Inc, and most have been edited down as designated by the [...])

Empathy:

Because of your strengths, you might be prompted by a natural impulse to answer questions, deal with perplexing issues, or overcome obstacles. This need to do something arises from deep within yourself. It’s very likely that you cause others to pay attention to their innermost thoughts and feelings. People are confident of your ability to exercise good judgment and common sense. Many people trust you to keep to yourself whatever they choose to share. Your capacity to imagine their situations and be sensitive to their needs allows individuals to unburden themselves. You listen. You customarily acknowledge their unique circumstances. Instinctively, you have a special gift for helping people realize that you truly value them and hold them in high regard. By nature, you feel honored when someone entrusts his/her innermost thoughts and feelings to you. Nonetheless, the person needs to initiate the conversation. Otherwise, it is unlikely to happen. You are reluctant to bring up sensitive topics and delicate questions. You tend to worry about leaving the impression that you are prying or being nosy — that is, unduly interested in the private affairs of the person. Chances are good that you take the time to discover each individual’s unique traits and truly understand them. These insights enable you to listen to people’s concerns. Making no judgments, you strive to comprehend their situations. Others sense that you know exactly how they are feeling.

Ummm, yes.

I once had a person tell me that I couldn't kick someone in the shin without making them feel like they were the person I most cared about in the entire world. Apparently that's my "Empathy." and even after everything, it's still my top strength. (and perhaps my top weakness?) And that bit about being concerned that I'll come across as prying or nosy... they got inside my head, there.

The things they put on my report are different than what they say in the book... The report is generally more customized, but I like some of the things they say in the book so much that I will share them with you. (all in-text quotes are from the book StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath)  "You are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. You don't necessarily feel pity for each persons' predicament. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand." and "Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings to themselves as well as others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you."

Also please don't think I necessarily believe all these things of myself... but it feels like my ideal version of myself... who I'd be if I could choose and live it perfectly. It's certainly something I strive for.

So then for my fifth strength:

Woo:

By nature, you may handle yourself well in specific types of social situations. Occasionally you set aside your work or studies to enjoy of the company of friends, newcomers, or strangers. You might rearrange your schedule or priorities to accommodate the needs of a particular person or group. Instinctively, you might be lively enough to help make certain events exciting for other participants. Once people are engaged in the activities, you sometimes limit your socializing to specific individuals. Chances are good that you regale people with illuminating accounts of incidents in your life. You entertain them with your tales. You candidly share your personal observations and experiences. [...] It’s very likely that you gravitate to situations where you will be in the company of others. You are much less inclined to be solitary or a loner.

It should be noted that  the book tells me Woo stands for "Winning Others Over." The last time I took this test I was flummoxed by the inclusion of Woo as one of my strengths. I was a little irritated, too. 1) It sounded a lot more like Nathan than like me and 2) it sounded kinda mean. (Not saying Nathan was mean, just that he had a tendency to have a lot of shallower relationships and fewer really deep ones.) To be fair the description they have in the book looks very different than this description does... and this one seems to be a lot more like me. The book talks about how "you don't find strangers intimidating" (not true of me) and that you "don't shy away from starting conversations because you're afraid of running out of things to say" (I *totally* do that!) and that "once you make a connection you're happy to move on to find someone else to make a connection with." (*NOT* true!)

But looking at the online description makes me feel a lot better-- I *do* frequently rearrange my schedule to accommodate the needs of someone else, I always gravitate to situations where I will be in the company of others,  and someone recently really did tell me that they liked every social situation a little bit better when I was around... and then there is this great "poem" that Kara apparently stole from somewhere else, but illustrated all on her own.

 Plus Melissa pointed out that this might manifest for me via text rather than in person... and that made a lot of sense and also I remembered one important thing- I want everyone to like me. So even if I don't act like the book says "Woo"-ers act, if you combine it with my empathy it makes a lot of sense.

And then Communication:

You occasionally like to be part of a team. Perhaps certain kinds of groups provide you with opportunities to voice your ideas or express your feelings. By nature, you are quite comfortable talking about yourself. You also enjoy listening to people describe their talents, limitations, goals, worries, or successes. These insights often help you discover what someone thinks or feels. You probably acquire valuable information about the individual’s style of thinking, learning, working, playing, problem solving, or studying.  [...] It’s very likely that you very much enjoy the animated give-and-take of a lively discussion. Driven by your talents, you may feel comfortable speaking to a variety of individuals or audiences.

This is one that I read and thought, "Meh, kinda" on this go-round... but then I looked in the book and read the following statements: "You feel a need to bring them [events] to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid." and then, "You want to divert their [people's] attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act."

ooooh yes please... I'd love to think that my words could do all that.... I'd *love* that.

also... I write daily on my blog for heaven's sake, and pretty much nothing is off-limits but other people's stories. Yeah. Communication- I do that.

So then the things that are different: Adaptability (my second strength now)

Chances are good that you periodically exhibit the flexibility to adjust your day’s priorities as circumstances change. Because of your strengths, you might have an ability to accept and deal with each day as it unfolds. You may be flexible enough to handle unexpected discoveries and situations. [...]Sometimes outdated or inefficient processes frustrate you. [...] You are quite comfortable dealing with change, surprises, and unexpected problems. Why? While you appreciate schedules and plans, you recognize when it is wise to deviate — that is, turn away — from them.

 It's kinda interesting how my strengths seem to dovetail each other... for example, in Woo it was right when it said I often changed my schedule for others... and the adaptability is what allows me to do so. Here's the thing. This strength is so strong, I think, as a result of dealing with Nathan's cancer and death. I don't think that I was as adaptable before... or that I valued it as much in myself and in others. But now I think it's important. Have a plan, yes, but be flexible enough to be able to change. You have to roll with the punches or else you will break... It's not a life motto, but I do very much believe it to be true.

 and lastly, Individualization:

It’s very likely that you may enjoy helping people by performing tasks they dislike or do not have time to complete. Perhaps this is one way you keep yourself busy and make their lives less burdensome. Because of your strengths, you can stand in another person’s place and view what is going on from his or her unique perspective. Your have an ability to become well-acquainted with individuals. This magnifies your capacity to feel their joys and sorrows as well as their successes and failures. By nature, you may update certain individuals about current events. [...] Driven by your talents, you may derive some joy from coming to the aid of people. [...] Instinctively, you might identify situations where you can assist people by using your talents. To some degree, you want to concentrate on doing what you do well. Perhaps this is your pathway to success.

There is apparently quite a bit of my Empathy at work in my Individualization... Heck, to me they feel like the same strength! And this blurb also points out my "mom-ish" qualities... which dovetail into my communication tendencies- like making sure the absent-minded kid in our writing group actually remembered to check his e-mail, or checking in on certain friends when I haven't heard from them in a while, and not being a bit concerned if others don't talk to me for weeks. I do love helping people out- especially if I can use my talents to do so (aka I suck at helping a person move but I'll gladly give up a day to help you paint your house/room.)

So the things I lost?  Responsibility and Input.

Responsibility: I think this one went away because I've had to let go of some of the illusion that I have the power/ or ability to take care of everything... A friend made a really profound statement to me not long after Nathan died. He told me that it wasn't my responsibility to pick up all the pieces that Nathan left behind. I'm not sure if he knew what an impact that sentence made on me... (though my deluge of tears when he said it might have been a clue.) That was exactly what I'd been trying to do and it was *such* a relief for someone to tell me that it wasn't my responsibility and that it was impossible. So I think I had to let some of that go.. Don't get me wrong... I'm still pretty responsible... but I'm not surprised that it's not a top 5 strength any more.

And then Input. This one was weird the first time I got it... Input basically means that you collect things (material possessions, thoughts, trivia facts, sundry knickknacks or ideas that interest you.) My mom is really high on the input scale... I'm not. I think the internet + a smart phone might have cured me of this? Why save up information when it's all at your fingertips? Either that or it was a fluke last time.

Isn't it interesting how 4 of my 5 strengths are entirely about people and the 5th one is basically a skill that I use to interact with people??

Hmmmm... task-oriented or people-oriented? I wonder.

Nathan wrote a haiku about me once--

Her love for people
Is the center of her soul
She cares so deeply

For a while there, after his death, I wondered if this was as true as he believed it to be, but I think what I was experiencing was compassion fatigue combined with PTSD and coping mechanisms, and I think I'm only recently coming out of that.

Also, if you've never read it and want to oooh and aww about how freaking sweet Nathan was to me, you should go read this post.

So anyway I've just spent a *lot* of time talking about myself... but I'm really pleased with this result... it feels like it has really captured a bit of who I am, and I love it when I feel known, even if it's just by a book. :)

What Makes You Beautiful?

So there is this song that's kinda popular

It's called "What Makes You Beautiful"

It's likely you've heard it if you've turned the radio station to a pop/top 40 station in the past few months.

It's by One Direction- a British boy band... which if you ask me, being British is like the holy grail of boy bands. And then they go and record a song that every teenage girl (and some not-teenage girls) in the world has to love because it's talking about how this girl has just stolen away these boys' hearts and she doesn't even know she's beautiful.  Nooooo, I can't imagine why they are so insanely popular...

It's just a wonderful thing to think. "Some boy with a delightfully English name like (Zayn or Liam or Harry) and a lovely accent is totally in love with me and I don't even know I'm beautiful." It's quite possible that it's every girl's dream... to have a boy tell us we are beautiful when we don't think we are.

And the current pop song isn't the first time it's been sung about. I grew up on a country song called "She Don't Know She's Beautiful."  I think I made Nathan listen to the song once and then said, "I think that has shaped my idea of feminine beauty more than anything else. I want to be that girl."

But this ideal... of this modest yet stunning girl is one of those strange standards our culture has come up with that is completely unattainable. Over and over we are told that confidence is attractive in a woman. And then One Direction comes along and tell us that what makes a girl beautiful is that she doesn't know she's beautiful.  Wait.... what? How am I supposed to be confident and shy at the same time??

And *why* are you telling me I'm beautiful if the thing that makes me beautiful is that I don't know?! Now that I'm aware, am I ugly?

Both the One Direction song and the Sammy Kershaw song reference entire rooms of people stopping and staring as soon as the girl walks into a room.

Oh heck yes, we all (girls) want that to happen... but room-stopping-looks... that doesn't happen to a normal girl without some work. (which means they know they look good) .. and the girls it does happen to naturally generally know they are beautiful... and are trying to get model contracts.

Recently someone was asking me if a book screwed up my view on what relationships are supposed to look like... and I said no... but I think songs may have screwed up my idea of what a beautiful woman should be.

Aka, I don't have any ideals that I will force on you, but man do I have a laundry list of things that I should be.

Knowing or not knowing you are beautiful isn't what makes a girl beautiful.

Strength of character,
strength of will,
compassion,
kindness,
optimism,
a sense of humor,
intelligence
good genes (and good jeans!)

That's what makes you beautiful.

Underrated

Any day that I can wear my grey checked flannel shirt is a day that I like. btw gray= American spelling, grey=British spelling. Therefore e < a.

Today I felt a lot of hope-

Hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel

Hope that Nathan isn't the only one who ever has or ever will think I'm pretty/beautiful/hot.Yes, I'm including hot. Pretty and beautiful are great, and I certainly want to be thought those things, but being considered hot... well, it's not to be underrated... especially for good Christian girls who can't be so overt. Gotta love a man who can appreciate subtlety.

Hope that there is someone for me, somewhere out there.  

Any of you singing the "Somewhere Out There" song in their head now? Just me? Well here, here's an earworm for you.

Though honestly it's not my favorite meandering-off-key-Mousekewitz song ever sung. No, that would have to go to this little ditty: "Dreams to Dream"

Ok this post is going to turn into my personal most underrated songs from movies blog... cause I keep thinking of more songs that I love that I never hear anyone mention.

"God Bless the Outcasts"

This poor song is stuck in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which as you may recall wasn't exactly a smash hit. But it's gorgeous.

Or, do you remember "I Won't Say I'm in Love."

That one's from Hercules... with the Gospel Muses... and the tough girl heroine...fabulous.

And here's one that not many people will love the same way that I do...

From The Last Unicorn... called... "The Last Unicorn"

Ooooh and continuing in the vein of random weird Rankin-Bass songs:

That one is in all the Hobbit/Lord of the Rings movie R-B made in the day, only with different words every time. It's called "Roads" in this version... man, R-B movies always feel so very 70's to me...

From a Disney movie that doesn't get the respect it deserves...

Yeah, it's A Goofy Movie.... doesn't mean I don't hum "After Today" every last day of school ever.

Well and I can't leave out "Hushabye Mountain" from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Possibly my favorite underrated movie song ever... So gorgeous.

and in case you've made it this far, here's a little treat I found while looking for the other videos: 28 cartoon theme songs in 7 minutes... Please tell me someone else remembers "Denver: the Last Dinosaur"

The Serious and the silly

There is a worship song that I identify so strongly with Nathan and cancer and everything that I've gone through that, since Nathan's death, anytime I heard it I would burst into tears.

(For those of you who care it's "Perfect Sacrifice" and follow the link to the youtube, if you want.)

I have a lot of memories singing this with Nathan beside me-- both of us meaning it... and then life did take every dream away... and I realized how very little I realized what I was saying. And it makes me really really aware of how often we say things not *at all* knowing what we are actually saying. And it's not that it makes it any less true, but I don't like to sing it, because while Jesus would be (and is) still the place my hope comes from... I don't want any more dreams taken away from me... and I don't want any more lives to break. And I hate to be reminded about my stolen dreams and my broken life.

and honestly it's one of the few things that makes me upset about how unfair it is that Nathan had to die when all sorts of people who have made terrible choices are alive and why so very many people sing this song, but my dreams are the ones that had to be taken away and our life had to be broken.

I know that's a super self-centered thing to say... lots and lots of people have situations that are the same or worse than my own... It's just something that the song makes me think, and I'm perhaps more honest on this blog than is necessarily politically correct.

ANYWAY, the point of all that was to say that I'm really proud of myself, because they played "Perfect Sacrifice" in church this morning and I managed to get all the way through it without crying. I did have to stop singing it, because my throat closed up, but I didn't cry. This is a huge accomplishment for me. That's literally the first time since Nathan died I've managed.

Baby steps.

And on an entirely different note..

I had discussions with several people today about my hair. I wore it up today in a princess wrap-around-my-head kind of way-- it's actually really easy to do with wet hair and is a bit more interesting than a braid if I want a hairstyle to wear when wet.

It's cute, right? Well I was talking about it with several people who commented that tomorrow it would be curly. And I said that I don't do this hair as "precursor" hair- even though my hair is. in fact, super curly after wearing it like this all day.

and this is why.

That's a good 5 inches on either side of my head.

My head is already ginormous. I don't need to add an extra 10 inches. I'll stick to my "normal" curls, thanks.

Also only the front part stays curly like that.. the curl falls out of the back, so my hair looks completely skitzophrenic.

And I'm just too vain for huge schizophrenic hair.

Me and the Boys

Friendships with girls aren't as easy for me as friendships with guys. I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before- I don't normally feel that instantaneous click with girls. I mean ya'll know how close Kara and I are, but we didn't have the insta-click at all. I have about three distinct memories from the first year I knew Kara... and I never would have guessed she'd be my best friend someday from those memories. In fact, now that I think about it, I'm not sure that I've ever just fallen into an instantaneous friendship with a girl. Don't get me wrong, I have some *stellar* girlfriends who are closer to me than anyone else. But we had to work it to that state.

Heck, it took Rhonda and I about 16 years to become friends.

If you use the relationship points idea, the people who you "click" with start with like 15 extra base points and a double refill rate. Now several of my gal-pals and I have reached a quadruple refill  rate... but we still had to fight up those 15 points and gain experience to make our refill rate so fast.

So here's something I *just* put together.

I just put it together because I'm kinda clueless when it comes to my own reactions and why I act the way that I do.

I've talked a lot about how there are certain people who I just click with, but I realized only recently many of the people who I have that feeling with have some similarities. Namely:

1) They are male.

2) They grew up in a small town... or even more so, they grew up *outside* of a small town- maybe even on a farm.

Now please understand, I'm just referring to friendships here. Nathan does fall in this category but he falls into *every* category, and there are a lot of guys who I'm referring to that I have no romantic inclination towards- who are married or taken or I just don't have an interest in. Nathan is the exception, not the rule.

And also, please note that the "rapport" feeling I have with a said person may be one-sided. I'm thinking of the people who I feel like I sort of instinctively understand and they seem to get me. They might not feel the same about me, and they may not, in fact, understand me as well as I feel like they do.

And there are some guys who I don't click with who are from small towns, so there is obviously more to it than all this, but I think I've unearthed a pretty significant piece of the puzzle.

But still, I can think of no fewer than 10 guys just off the top of my head who I've clicked with instantaneously or near instantaneously.

I can't think of a single girl.

And every single one of those guys is "from" a small town. (I use the quotes around from, because many of them are actually from a house/farm out in the country *near* a small town.)

Weird, right?

I think it's something to do with shared culture...

...and I was really close with my boy cousins growing up??

...and...well I don't know what else. Familiarity? Comfort? Understanding? Cheesecake?

Probably not cheesecake.

You'd think this would translate into making it easier for me to find a boyfriend, wouldn't you.

Not so much, turns out.

Consumer Reports

Paula called me today because they are going to be re-doing their downstairs and she wanted to know if I wanted any of the furniture that they have in their current (formal) living and dining room. And she also wanted to let me know that the grandfather clock that is at their house is mine whenever I want it because Nathan wanted me to have it.

I think I only ever told him how much I liked that clock once. I mean he knew that I have always loved those beautiful old clocks, but I think we only ever discussed that particular clock once, and not at any length.... just an "I love that clock" and "Well, maybe we can have it someday." type conversation.

Was I married? Did that happen or was it all just a dream? Are we sure that was real?

I feel like I have to be this perfect, unscarred, paragon of a woman to have someone else love me. It's like all the girls in the world are standing on flat ground and their height equals their desirability. Some girls are naturally tall. Some girls wear heels, some girls stand on crates. But it feels like cancer/widowhood dug a pit under my feet, and my head only comes up to most girls' elbows. So to make up for it, I have to be taller than all the other girls. I have to have less baggage than a normal girl, to be prettier, to be funnier, friendlier, and smarter (but not too smart!) I have to like video games and football and hockey and cage fighting. I have to love the mountains, the lake, the beach, and the city. I also need to like dogs and motorcycles and have a passing knowledge of old cars. I need to like history and documentaries and comic book movies. I have to be an amazing cook, an excellent housekeeper, and make 70k a year. I should also be 22-24. I have to be drama free, physically fit, a size 4 and above all, not too picky, because the guy is the one who will be settling so I should be happy with what I can get.

But... I'm not all those things. I'm a few of them and I try to be/like some of them... but even with lots of work, I still only manage to come up to other girls' shoulders.

I'm really strong. I think this is something most of us can agree on. Or at least we'd agree if you thought about it, but you probably don't much, because I'm pretty sure I think about myself a lot more than everyone else thinks about me... You are rather busy thinking of you. That's quite alright- It's the human condition.

Anyway, just agree with me that I'm pretty strong. I'm strong and I'm (normally) emotionally stable and I'm dependable. I'm also reasonable, responsible, and logical.

Here's the thing though. There are times when I'm not those things... or at least times when I don't want to be those things. It can get really hard sometimes- being so strong and reliable, and I want a break. I want to have someone I can rely on. Someone who *knows* me. Someone who does things for me without even telling me. (Like letting his mom know about a clock.)

I want so very much to be weak for a while, but I can't let myself. I have to hold myself in balance because I don't have anyone else to rely on. If I'm going to go on a crying jag I need to grab the Kleenex box, because there isn't anyone there to grab it for me. I don't have my someone and I want him so badly... Someone who doesn't mind if I soak his shoulder with tears that I wouldn't let the rest of the world see and doesn't care if I get makeup on his shirt that I've cried off. Someone who still thinks I'm beautiful when I'm on my 20th Kleenex and my eyes are the color of a Sith Lord's light saber.

Someone who will laugh at the fact that I can still make really sweet Star Wars references in the midst of a tear fest, but won't assume that means that I'm fine now. Someone who doesn't think that holding me while I cry about a grandfather clock is baggage. And isn't intimidated by the fact that someone else once loved me enough to get me a grandfather clock.

Shouldn't that be proof that I'm worth it? I come with a letter of recommendation. If I were a car I'd have a top rating in Consumer Reports. I'm a great value, all things considered. Sure it's a long-term commitment, but: low upkeep, tested in hazardous road conditions, comfortable, trustworthy, and dependable. Plus I bake. I could actually take the metaphor a long way, but I'll stop before the feminists get all up in my grill.

... See what I did there?

Charming Paradox

I've been reading several random internet articles lately and fallen in love with two statements. The first is from an article on Hello Giggles, called "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned from the Women of Disney. "(Not exactly shocking I liked this article, huh?) But the 9th thing is my favorite. It's called "Kiss the Girl" and it goes like this:

"If you are ever floating in a blue lagoon with someone you have a major crush on and you don’t go for it, I hate you.
If you are ever on a long drive at nighttime and you drop her off at home and you want to kiss her and you are pretty sure she wants you to kiss her and you don’t go for it, I hate you.
If you are watching a movie and your hands are impossibly close to each other’s and you know she wants you to kiss her and you watch the whole movie and you don’t remember anything that has happened because you have been thinking of kissing her and you do not go for it, I hate you."

That's funny. And also true. and I think the author might be experiencing some of that frustration in real life.

But seriously. The girl isn't supposed to make the first move, the guy is. So if the guy wants to, but doesn't? The girl is going crazy trying to figure out if she is reading the signs wrong or something.. so I kinda get the "I hate you."

The other statement is from a site that has far less insightful/interesting articles, but I really liked the one called, "10 Fun Things We Did as a Kid That We Should Do Now." The part that caught me was in number 5.

"One of the best things about being a kid aside from all the fun things to do was that we truly lived in the moment. If we had the best pancakes ever, we savored each bite and made up songs about how delicious it was."

The one statement I was told more than any other while growing up was, "It doesn't require a song, Renée." But I think they were wrong. It *does* require a song. I want to make up more delicious pancake songs... in fact I think that sort of child-like wonder is something I really want to hold on to and maintain.

I don't want to be stupid, I don't want to be naive, I don't want to be ditzy- but I never want to lose my ability to marvel- to look at the world with wonder-colored glasses. To laugh because something is just delightfully funny... And that might sometimes look stupid or naive or ditzy. But it isn't.

I may be wrong but I think it makes me more endearing-- especially when mixed with a good dose of sarcasm...

And that makes me a paradox... but a charming paradox, which is something I can live with.

Oooh! I've come up with a scathingly brilliant idea: Put the glow sticks in the car. Then the next time I'm outside in the dark I will have glow sticks instead of wistfully pining for them.

Oh I see that amused smirk on your face. And I revel in it.

E-mails and Mac and Cheese

You know it's a good manicure when, the only human interaction you had all day included a girl complimenting you on your nails.

I don't paint my nails for guys. Most of them don't notice and fewer of them care. I paint my nails for myself and for other girls.

I've been super prolific as far as blogging goes lately. I actually have 2 blogs on the back burner, that are just waiting to be published on a day that I don't have anything to say... which hasn't happened yet.

But for today I promised mac and cheese, which I will get to in a moment. First, though, I would like for you to join me in a perusal of my e-mail inbox. Within the past few days I have received e-mails with the following subject lines:

"Pollen Bees & Upgrades"

"I Have My Cake and I Will Eat It Too!"

"Moon City"

"Why Early Readers are going the way of the Dodo." (This is actually one I sent. Yes, my capitalization in that sentence is CraZy random. No, I don't know why.)

"why you can write books and make millions too"

Thank you for joining me on my e-mail tour. I hope you enjoy randomness as much as I do... if not we might be in trouble.

The funny part is that none of those were junk mail. They were all real e-mails and the e-mails actually made sense with those subject lines. Boy, alien anthropologists are gonna have a field day with me... is it weird that I often think of how to make my life the most interesting for aliens who are studying people in 10,000 years?

Now, to totally change the subject, I'm pretty sure I should be taking a multi-vitamin... Yesterday I had a venti Iced Chai, a piece of pumpkin bread, a meal from Wendy's and a lemon bar. Today I had two lemon bars, (they are gone now, thank heavens) a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup, 10 Bagel Bites and a pack of Gushers. You will notice a distinct lack of vegetables in that line-up.

Yeah, it's really terrible.

However, I can say one thing. I have now officially tried all of the new macaroni and cheeses that have been popping up all over the bloody place and here is my review (cause I know my feelings on macaroni are really important to you):

McAlisters- Maybe they've had mac and cheese for a while and I just missed the train, being too distracted by their lovely sweet tea buckets. (To be fair they call them, "cups," but I know a bucket when I see one!) Regardless this mac and cheese is... fine. Better than your average buffet restaurant mac and cheese, but... your mom's is probably better... well.... maybe not if your "mom's" comes in a tall skinny blue box.

Wendy's- Or as I like to think of it, "'It's ok, you tryyyyy!' mac and cheese." This pretty well is standard-buffet-line mac and cheese.. The noodles were pretty mushy and that cheese was scary orange. However they do put some shredded cheddar cheese on top when you order it so that there is a little variation in texture and taste... but that's about all they have going for them. Survey says: Stick with the baked potato... or the chili... or the salad as a side... Heck, I didn't need another side option that I like at Wendy's anyway.

Panera- They have somehow achieved mac and cheese perfection at Panera, I think they might have gotten in on Pioneer Woman's "soul to the devil for amazing recipes" deal... either that or they just hired her to make their mac and cheese recipe.. The noodles aren't mushy and gross like pasta normally is in a resteraunt that doesn't only serve pasta and the cheese sauce, while white (which actually makes it seem more like real cheese not scary neon orange goo) is amazing. For the rest of my life when I partake in mac and cheese I'll secretly be craving this mac and cheese. Perhaps I oversell, but if you go, get bread as your side so you can use it to eat every last droplet of that leftover cheese sauce like the crack-laced fondue happiness that it is.