Dunno if you knew this...

Dunno if you knew this, but yesterday was 6 months. And it was a hard day... and a long day... but it wasn't as sad of a day as I thought it would be. I don't know if it was my foresight in planning a baby shower to take place on this day so that I would stay busy, or if it was my Dawson's Creek mini-marathon or just the good Lord getting me through, but I got through it. I got through it.

And then tonight I did something that my friends have been warning me is a really bad idea... I watched our wedding video. And I was scared going into it... and there definitely were some tears... but there was a lot of laughter, too... and a lot of smiling... Nathan and I never got around to watching the video. We meant to watch it on our first anniversary and for some reason or another never did, so this was the first time I'd seen it... and honestly? It felt good. It felt so good to see him. He prayed before we ate at our rehearsal dinner, and so I got to see a Nathan moment I'd never seen before (since I bowed my head, then.) And when he prayed he was so classically Nathan... talking with his hands- almost throwing them out in front of himself, praying in all sincerity with his own quirky syntax, and just being Nathan. And I got to see him look at me the way he always looked at me... only from the perspective of everyone else... and hear his laugh. And while I wish I could have watched this video with him... I'm kinda glad that I got to have a few last special Nathan moments... with the Nathan that was hearty and hale. I just wish those vows had been for as long as we thought they would be then.

Melissa mentioned to me today that she and Bill were talking about the type of relationship they both wanted- the one where the other person is your best friend... and that not every marriage has that... but that Bill said that Nathan and I had that- that we thought the world of each other. And it's true. He was my best friend, and I still miss him like crazy, all the time. But I think I've begun to heal... I'm beginning to be able to focus on all the good and happy memories I have rather than being swamped over by the pain of not having him here anymore. I can watch my wedding video and laugh as often as I cry.

Dunno if you knew this, guys, but I'm gonna get through this. And while the girl who comes out of this isn't gonna look that much like the girl who went in on the other side, it's still gonna be me... Just a lot stronger than she ever knew she could be, and a lot more independent than she ever was before, and with a far greater appreciation for the small simple things in life like family and love and friendship.

The danger of blogging in bed...

The danger of blogging in bed is that sometimes you close your eyes, and then you wake up 7 hours later without having actually posted your blog.  Cause apparently that one click was too much for your brain to handle. Luckily my bed is big enough to hold a computer and me overnight... and apparently I was tired enough that I barely moved all night. This is not normal. 

Now to return you to your regularly scheduled blog post:
 
hmmmmmmm.

Things I remembered today:

I hate days where I just go and go and go... at least I do when I go by myself and not with a friend.

I discovered the music of Les Miserable from Dawson's Creek of all places.

I am Joey Potter.

There is nothing that I want more in this whole wide world than to be needed... to be wanted... to be considered a help.

I honestly don't feel needed that often... loved, yes... but needed? I mean I don't have any dependents, so there aren't any obvious people who need me... and as for everyone else... well I suppose it depends on your definition of need. Maybe people aren't supposed to need each other in the way I'm talking about. Maybe that's unhealthy.

Ok so I've left the heading of things I remembered today, but I'm filled with... something... ennui? teenage angst? restlessness? the desire to do something crazy and inane just to shake things up a little?... I blame Dawson. Hey you want to hear/ read one of the most influential moments on my early psyche from TV? Oh what's that? You don't really have a choice but to read what I put in front of you?? excellent.

JOEY:   You know, and I thought this is what I wanted -- for you to see me as beautiful. For you to look at me the -- the way that you look at Jen. But the truth is, I don't want that at all, Dawson. I want you to look at me and see the person you've always known and realize that what we have is so much more incredible than just some passing physical attraction, because you know what, Dawson? It's just lipstick. And it's just hairspray. Tomorrow, I'm gonna wake up, and I'm gonna be Joey. Just Joey. You know, the too tall girl from the wrong side of the creek.
DAWSON:  Wait, Joey, this is all new to us, and we should talk about it, okay? Because no matter what happens, we can't go back to the way things were.
JOEY:   Dawson, you've had a lifetime to process your feelings for me. And I can't spend the rest of mine hoping that you might throw a general glance in my direction in between your tortured teen romances with whatever Jen Lindley rolls into your life next. I can't do it.

It's just lipstick and it's just hairspray. Tomorrow morning I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna be me. Just me. You know, the short girl from the wrong side of the creek.

I think the only difference between Joey and I have different levels of self-confidence... whether they are earned levels, well that's slightly more debatable.

my head hurts. I'm going to sleep./

P.S. Kinda ironic that this is tomorrow morning, isn't it?

Short post

Consider me insanely happy that I don't have to get up in the morning for anything.

I read another book last night... this one was 578 pages and I was up till 5:30.  that's 5:30 AM.

I know.

That's not enough sleep plus a rather frustrating day at work.

Then the video game arose from the depths with lots of little last minute things I need to do on it... at the same time that friends wanted to go out to eat with me, and I needed to bake a cake and make stuff for a baby shower.

Though honestly all that stuff was nice/fun enough that it helped cancel some of the work frustration.

Office work can be so irritating sometimes, because you just do the same thing over and over again... the thing I like about the videogame is that there is a deadline and lots of little projects to cross off of lists and nothing is ever quite the same.

Plus - this might not make sense to some, but I've discovered that if I'm busy it's a heck of a lot easier to focus... it's also easier to focus if you take a 20 min nap... though hard to actually get up from said nap. Trust me, I know these things.

Everything got done that needed to, well everything except perhaps a blog post of reasonable length.

Birthday Count-down, t-minus 6 days!

I didn't go to sleep early... I read a book.  You don't have to tell me, I know I'm adorable. You know how I know that? Cause I got that card in Apples to Apples tonight. Along with hilarious... and deadly, clueless, and some other not so nice descriptors. But let's just focus on adorable and hilarious, ok?

ok.

I've decided to take the constant-reminders-of-my-birthday approach this year... as in, "let's not let anyone forget it by not-at-all-subtly bringing it up all the time." I think I recognize this as a coping mechanism so that I don't have to deal with feeling lonely or like no one cares. But hey, coping mechanisms aren't all bad... sometimes they are called coping skills and they are awesome to have. I have the awesome ones... so awesome it's actually coping skillz. with a z. In case you couldn't tell.

My present came in the mail today. It's lovely, but I'm making myself wait to open it up and play with it till my birthday, cause if Nathan were here he would make me wait.

Constant Comment Iced Tea... I heart. I thought it was good hot... but now I can't decide if I like it more hot or cold. I can decide to buy it in bulk on Amazon though.

I forgot how much I like playing with my hair. I've been not messing with it while it's been curly lo these many months, but since I've been straightening it lately I've remembered how much I like playing with it... also it's gotten long since getting curly... Didn't even have to trim up my extensions... Btw, extensions make me feel like a rock star. This might be why I dig them so much.

What color are chestnuts? I like to pretend that my hair is chestnut brown cause I like the way it sounds but I don't actually know what color a chestnut is... and also what do they taste like roasted? I don't know that either, even though I sing about it every Christmas. This would be a fabulous My Drunk Kitchen episode. Go, Hannah!

Did I mention that my birthday is in less than a week now? Cause it is. You should do something to celebrate it with me this weekend, since I'll be gone next weekend.

See? I'm about as subtle as a Mac Truck. That's why I didn't get the subtle Apples to Apples card.. I don't believe in subtlety... and if I did, I'd eat it for breakfast just to get it out of the way.

I try!

It's 10:30 at night and I'm blogging.. No I'm not sick, I'm just feeling the effects of a long day with no nap, and 4 hours of sleep last night. So perhaps tonight I will write this early and sleep early and throw my circadian rhythm much closer to a "normal" person's.

(Side note: Does anyone else find the word rhythm ridiculously hard to spell? Here is how I want to spell it- rythmn) That's how I say it phonetically.

Missed my birthday present (that came in the mail today) cause I was gallivanting around town. I will pick it up tomorrow, but I can't use it till my birthday. I will let you know what it is when I'm allowed to open it. ;) Wait... maybe I already told you. Dang, I can't keep my own secrets... someone is probably going to tell me what it is now that I've let the cat out of the bag.

If you followed that last paragraph 30 points to Ravenclaw!

I went to 6 stores today. Did I mention I'm throwing a baby shower this weekend? Thus the 6 stores. Oh and the library. See me being on top of the ball for the first time in 3 weeks or so? ...yeah, don't get used to it.

Was talking to a friend this afternoon and had a moment where I said something and only realized after the fact how very much I believe it. Sometimes you just have to choose to be happy. Sometimes life just sucks and there is nothing that you can do about it and you are miserable and it's really impossible to find the good in the situation and then you have to hold on to the hope... and sometimes being happy is easy and so you don't have to make a choice... but a lot of the time you have two options in front of you... half empty and half full.. or maybe 3/4 empty or 1/4 full. But you can *choose* which way you are going to look at it... in fact often that's the only thing you can choose. Do you take this lemon and make lemonade, and lemon bars, and plant a lemon tree, and put the rinds down your disposal for a fresh lemon scent? Or do you sulk cause you don't like the color yellow? Do you step up to the plate and take a swing even if there are already 2 outs and 2 strikes? Or do you grouse to the coach about how he should have let you play sooner? I try to choose happiness. I try to choose joy. I try to choose hope.

Kara has a story about a professor of her sister's who would ask a question, and if someone answered incorrectly would cry out, "You exactly wrong! But it's ok! You try! He try!"

Much Ado about 27

I have bronze fingernails with sparkly blue bases... Why is it that the only place my creativity is willing to surface lately is in nail art?

I have a confession. I love glow-sticks. I love glow-sticks so much that I hoard them, not wanting to waste them on a night where I don't spend enough time awake in the dark. Which is pretty much every night, I think. Maybe I should turn off my lights at night... save energy and rock out the glow-sticks.

I swear sometimes I really am 7.

Ok, fine. 27. At least for one week and one day more.

So something recently brought to my attention... Have you heard of the 27 club? With the death of Amy Winehouse I've seen in the news and on facebook a couple of articles referencing the 27 Club... which is a group of musicians who died at the age of 27. Many of them were considered to be geniuses. Many of them were manic depressive. Many of them were substance abusers. This list includes Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendricks, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. All died at 27. Maybe it's a good thing that my birthday is coming up... maybe it's a really impressive thing that I've gotten through these last 6 months... maybe 27 is a more tender age than it seems... it's mind boggling to me that all of these people were only 27 though... They were able to make such a lasting impression by the age of 27... What have I done? I've been so happy and I've survived... I guess that's more than they can say.

I think I may need to be careful there...  It may become really easy to idealize how happy I was when I was married. I mean compared to where I am now I was blissfully happy... but part of that is that I'd never had a major grief event in my life. I'd yet to accept that someone I loved could die... I thought I could keep them here just by sheer force of my love... that didn't work. And while I look back and pretty much only remember being happy, I still seemed to have plenty to complain about at the time. And though I do think that Nathan and I had extra grace because God knew we wouldn't have as much time with each other as we would have liked and so we wouldn't waste it fighting, we did still fight. I had frustrations with him, he had frustrations with me... yes, we were happy, and yes we were in love, but he really could drive me up a wall. I hated how his phone was always on vibrate so I couldn't get a hold of him half the time when I wanted him. I didn't like his temper at all, and the way he drove when he got mad about something would in turn make me so mad that I fumed. I mean... marriage isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it's silent fuming and pouting and snapping at each other... but it's also settling into love... getting comfortable in it and wearing it around like a Snuggie. It's trading in some of those butterflies for knowing looks and inside jokes. It's easy to look back now and see how happy and wonderful things were even when they were tense and grumpy... but at the time I just felt tense and grumpy. I think I need to remember these things, cause while laughing with each other at 1 AM happens,  offended silences happen as well, and it could be easy to cultivate unreasonable expectations that a human being wouldn't be able to live up to.

Come on, 28. You've got to be better than 27 in terms of life events. All you gotta do is not completely suck. Ready? Go!... ok fine, you've got one week and one day to get ready and then... Go!

You know if I weren't 2 weeks late this wouldn't be a problem. Sheesh, baby me, what were you thinking??

PS I watched 5 episodes of Dawson's Creek tonight... Good use of my time, eh?

Disconnected

I'm so darn crafty I make my own envelopes.

Rough morning at church... There is this one song... that just *gets* me every single time we sing it... and combine that with the anniversary and upcoming 6 month mark AND my upcoming birthday. Ugh. I hate breaking down in public... I mean better church than anywhere else, but I hate breaking down in public at all.

I dislike how often tears are a part of my life now... I've never been a cryer... I don't like that I feel like one, now.

I don't have a lot to say tonight it seems...

I've been reading quite a bit more than I had been... more time since I'm not working on the video game much anymore.

I took some personality tests today.. they told me that I'm totally average in introversion/ extroversion and emotional stability, but that I'm easygoing and eager to please in my personal assertion... I don't think any of us are surprised by this...  I'm eager to please?? What?? The girl who wants terrorist groups to like her?? ... I couldn't possibly be eager to please.

I'm a pretty classic firstborn... Do you believe in birth order psychology? I think there is a little something to it, though not as much as people make of it.. but hey it's just as accurate as my astrologically assigned personality, and doesn't claim to be based off the stars so that's something.

I think I'm coming to a place where I'm going to have to start thinking about my future... what I want to do with my life, now... Need to come up with a plan... an idea of what to do to bring home the proverbial bacon if you will... Need to figure out who I am and what I want in this new place I am in. It's weird how everything changes even though nothing does.

feeling emotionally drained... and disconnected.

Two videos, two pictures and a sundry of topics.

Yesterday I hit 20,000 views. This makes me happy. 20,000. I don't advertise my blog... I don't really know how, except by word of mouth, and honestly one can never be sure that someone is going to find my meanderings that interesting. So I'm not a blog pusher, except that I post it to my facebook everyday, but honestly I think that's more a matter of convenience for all my friends (and family) who read, but can't figure out the whole idea of crazy-go-nuts subscription thing. So 20,000 blog views is kinda awesome, cause it means I've managed to make some of youse into faithful readers, be it by my sarcasm,

What? Me? Sarcasm?

my inherent adorableness,

I took a break from reading to write this blog post... it's only 12:38 AM.

Or just the fact that you can really relate to me, since you are also so spectacularly uncoordinated that "bicycle crunches" are more than your poor brain can comprehend.

In case you don't know, this is a bicycle crunch:

It's not exactly rocket science... except it kinda is... for me. Seriously... I can't teach my brain how to do them. 

Anyway, your talent for ab workouts aside, I appreciate what 20,000 views means...  That 20,000 times someone has found something of enough worth to at least bother to click on.

Having a macbook means that I have a greater propensity to show you pictures... of myself. Yeah, I'm cool like that... but I straightened my hair today. I haven't seen my hair straight since February. Add to that I was rocking out one of my hair extensions and that's reason enough to post it on here... especially since I didn't see nearly enough people to justify how flipping bad-a I looked.

See what I mean? I'm too cool for school.

I've reached such a new level of cool that I've surprised even myself.

 Plus, I'm used to having someone to show off my experimentations in style to and now I don't have that so I just pretend like everyone (including those poor boys who are kind enough to pretend) at game night really are interested in what I've done with my fingernail polish, and that you all at just dying to see what I look like with snap-in extensions. Best thing about snap in extensions?? I can choose what color based on how much I do or do not want to stand out.

and also my outfit.

So this kid on The Glee Project is from Northern Ireland, and sounds like it... and I'm reminded yet again that I looove accents. Alas, this boy is too young for me to swoon over, though I totally would if he were about 10 years older. But at one point one of the other kids says she "ain't never seen a leprechaun dance like that." Ok, granted that's a really funny thing to say but... like... is this an ok thing to say? Seems like it at leas has the potential to be a slur... but I've also seen it all over the internet, so the internet apparently doesn't find it offensive... do the people of Northern Ireland? Do I got any homeboys in the North who can tell me?? Andy, do you read my blog? Do you know or can you use your connections to find out??

*L* there is a real test. Let's see if this question actually does get to Andy (who's got a girlfriend in NI and is moving there) without me bringing it up to him in person... It's like a really hightech game of telephone... which may or may not have a direct line!

In other news, there is this youtube series that is really hilarious... it's called "My Drunk Kitchen." It's not for the faint of heart as there is both drinking and hilarious...and swearing... (the word "hilarious" there was a typo that should have been "swearing," thus making the "both" make much more sense, but the typo struck me as funny so I just left it and then added swearing.) Anyway, for those of you brave enough to face down inebriation and intermittent cursing there is some comedic gold in there.

After watching a few episodes I find myself mimicking her... I think it's because I think she is so funny. And her sense of timing is something I would love to pick up somehow. 

Speaking of timing, I should go to bed... the Good Lord wants me up bright and early... meaning, you know, before noon.

Vulnerability

So I don't think it's a very big secret that I love Glee. As in it's not a secret at all. So it probably shouldn't be a surprise that I started watching The Glee Project, and that I love it... In case you don't know your Glee spin-offs, The Glee Project is a Ryan Murphy endorsed reality tv show in which the prize is a 7 episode run on Glee next (this) season. Each week has a theme, a "homework" assignment (aka a pre-challenge challenge), and a music video challenge. They narrow it down to a bottom 3 and then those three go and perform a final audition for Ryan Murphy (and the casting director and the choreographer). Week one the theme was individuality, week two was theatricality, and week three was vulnerability. And that's as far as I've watched currently... and yes I did stop watching just so I could blog about it... and because it's 3:30 AM.

For the vulnerability episode, the music video they did was very similar to the "Born This Way" episode of Glee. They all had to write a word or short phrase on a board that was the thing they were most vulnerable about and walk through a crowded courtyard. And honestly I liked this episode of The Glee Project a lot more than I did the Glee episode with the same theme... it definitely made me think a lot more than the Glee version did...

What word would I write?

I went through a lot of ideas... I've changed a lot in the past six months, but in some ways I've changed back to parts of who I used to be... I read somewhere recently that when someone as integral to your life as your spouse (or child) dies it's not even that you have to figure out who you are as much as you have to reinvent yourself. You kinda have to just start back over to when you figured out who you were and go from there. And I see some of that in myself... because when I first asked myself what word I would write I went to high school. High school me would have written something like "misfit" or "human dictionary" or "undateable." And then I realized that I'm an adult now... my 10 year reunion is a couple of weeks from now... and I'm not that person anymore... but I read Nathan's poems from last year... and while he was admittedly biased towards the positive/gushing, I'm not sure I'm that girl anymore, either. I don't know how I could be, after going through his death... and that's when I realized what I would write on the sign.

Widow

I've learned how to make jokes so it doesn't hurt so bad. I've learned how to distract myself from the hard days, and I try so hard to disassociate myself from the label, or to make it this not big deal thing, cause it's hard when people look at me and I become this reminder of grief... But it is a big deal. It's a big deal every flipping day that I wake up without the person I thought I would be with till I was 105 and it's a really hard dichotomy to live in... because I don't want to be defined by the word widow... and yet everything about me has been redefined by becoming one. And I don't want anyone else to label me as "the widow," but I write blogs upon blogs about dealing with the death of my husband, and talking about what life is like now and on the bad days that's what I see myself as and that scares me... It scares me that I could become a sort of "has-been" in the game of life, and that the best it's gonna get is already gone. It scares me that this could get in the way of future relationships- that it could be scare someone off or be something that they can't get past. Or that it will make the right person feel insecure or unsure of me.

Nathan said:
There is no question
Of her strengths or character
She knows who she is

But I'm not sure that I do anymore... and that lays squarely at the feet of becoming a widow. And with that comes a great deal of vulnerability, because I don't know how to be a widow without it consuming me. I don't know how to be who I am.

Sometimes...

Sometimes your best friend brings you a drink from Einstien Bros in the middle of the day and it looks like this:

The pink one in the middle

Sometimes a different friend brings you a cupcake in the middle of the day and it looks like this:

Sometimes your father and mother in law send you a present in the mail and it looks like this:

Sometimes you are rocking out the colored extension piece so hard you want to do it to your real hair. and it looks like this... only in your own hair.

Sometimes you have a strong craving for bacon and that looks like this:

Sometimes your sister and her husband play with your macbook when you aren't paying attention and then you find pictures like this weeks later...

Sometimes you are insanely grateful for the people who love you and who you love. And that looks like you and like me.

And sometimes you go to sleep... and that looks like this:

Fragile

Be gentle with me today, world... I'm fragile.

A wedding anniversary isn't really about the date... It's about the symbol... it's about what you *do* on that date... it's the date that's set aside to remember the relationship. It's the date that's set aside to celebrate happiness. It's the date that's set aside to reflect on one person and your love for each other.... that makes it a hard day to deal with. I had such high hopes for this year...and what it would bring... and now we are so close to 6 months without him. I teased Nathan (and other guys grumbled) about how high he'd set the bar for all other anniversaries...and now I just wish he were here to happily sail *way* under the bar.

I married a really good man... whom I miss so very much. So I'm going to leave you with the posts that Nathan made for each hour all day last year... Many of you have already read them, but they make me feel a little bit better, and maybe some of you didn't. I post cause even if you don't think I'm as fabulous as he did, it gives you a picture of the wonderful man he was.

Three Amazing Years

July 21, 2010

On July 21st, 2007, I married an incredible woman.  She dazzles me, and I’m madly in love with her.  The last three years have been better — and harder, and more wonderful — than I could have ever dreamed.  For the next 24 hours, I want to share with all of you a part of our celebration.
Beginning at midnight, each hour on the hour I have scheduled a new entry to be published.  Each entry is a haiku (American style, simply three lines in a five-seven-five syllable format) that expresses one of the many reasons I love my wife. :)     Some of them are romantic, some are goofy, some are shared memories, some of them you may not even understand.  But all of them say something about why Renee is beautiful — and if days had more hours, there would be more poems still! :D
Feel free to leave any comments or thoughts, if you’d like.  Thank you for sharing in this part of our anniversary!

Anniversary Haiku 1

A spark of mischief
On a sea of compassion –
Enrapturing eyes

Anniversary Haiku 2

To witness her smile
Is to see a miracle
Of beauty and joy

Anniversary Haiku 3

In both speech and song
Her voice rings with confidence –
Melodious sound

Anniversary Haiku 4

I am embarrassed
When my accent surfaces
She finds it charming

Anniversary Haiku 5

Treasured memory –
Watching the wind in silence
We were connected

Anniversary Haiku 6

Kivs in the chivvy
To the squishy mini square –
Silliness and fun

Anniversary Haiku 7

So perfectly matched
We share the same handicap
To park or play golf

Anniversary Haiku 8

The first kiss we shared
Held both passion and surprise
We were more than friends

Anniversary Haiku 9

She sits on the floor
Whenever I am hurting
Just to hold my hand

Anniversary Haiku 10

With a strange sixth sense
She chooses better movies
I trust her instincts

Anniversary Haiku 11

Her love for people
Is the center of her soul
She cares so deeply

Anniversary Haiku 12

I think I’m funny
Because she is kind enough
To laugh at my jokes

Anniversary Haiku 13

Whatever is Right
She will do without reserve
And without complaint

Anniversary Haiku 14

Spontaneous fun –
Plans are not necessary
She needs only friends

Anniversary Haiku 15

Her calm is steadfast
When others are wild
Unreasonable, upset

Anniversary Haiku 16

Paint, pencil, and clay –
She brings her visions to life
With amazing skill

Anniversary Haiku 17

There is no question
Of her strengths or character
She knows who she is

Anniversary Haiku 18

On the cliffs at dawn
The most beautiful of words
Could only be “yes”

Anniversary Haiku 19

Music did not play
So she waited at the door
Stunning in her dress

Anniversary Haiku 20

Heavenly vision –
My bride, splendidly arrayed
Walking down the aisle

Anniversary Haiku 21

Vows and rings exchanged
Together on the altar
As husband and wife

Anniversary Haiku 22

The feel of her dress
Warm beneath my shaking hands
Dancing to our song

Anniversary Haiku 23

Loved ones line our path
Showering us with bubbles –
We make our escape

Anniversary Haiku 24

Asleep on a train
Her head against my shoulder
This is all I need

Non-Anniversary Haiku (25)

July 22, 2010

Now and forever
I will love my wife –
Beautiful Renee.

Cleaning Log: Stardate: [-28] 05225.00

Google has a stardate calendar you can add to your "friends" calendars.  Capt. Picard would be so proud of me. What? I'm not a nerd.... nooooooo, not at all. Hey, listen- to some guy somewhere out there I'm a dream-goddess of a girl spoken of only in hushed and reverent tones. I play video games, I understand and enjoy Star Trek (at least Next Gen) *and* Star Wars, I like to cook and bake and take care of people, I'm relatively low maintenance and totally laid back. Not to mention I'm smart, pretty, and mothers seem to like me. I'm the stuff of myth and legend!

Anyway.... I was about to start my cleaning log before the stardate sidetracked me...

My shower/tub is as clean as it's ever been, and my books are all arranged on my shelves....

I have a fresh batch of cold brewed coffee in the fridge just waiting to lavish my mouth with iced coffee happiness in the morning, and I actually worked out today. (Yeah, that never happens.)

My desk is cleaned off... at least the workspace part and I've realized I have a lot of stuff I want to get rid of...

Plenty of filing yet to be done, but the bookshelves in my bedroom look like they are meant to have cleaned tops! ...I haven't attempted to tackle the kitchen... or the floors.... Ach the floors of every room really need cleaning... sweeping, mopping, what some people call "vacuuming" but I just call sweeping again...

Oh and did I mention I found a 10 dollar gift card? And did I mention it has my insurance agent's face on it? The same guy who called me a few weeks back to give his condolences, he gave us a gift card, apparently.  And if he did it was like at this time *last year.* I didn't have a clue this thing existed... I really do live in a fog sometimes...

Lots and lots left to do so not so many deep ponderings today. You know, since I'm normally so chock full of 'em.

K.... tired... after a long day of getting stuff done... going to go to bed now... love you, all.

Confession

Hello, My name is Renée and I have a problem... Well, three, actually.

One: I have a headache.   
Two: I'm highly addicted to rainbows
Three: I've got a nail polish... thang.

Now if you are thinking that I'm blogging at 10:15 just to put off cleaning and in the hopes that the Excedrine I took will start to work and my headache will go away so that I can use my nail polish and thereby continue to avoid cleaning... well... good on you. You are so right.  Plus, today my brain was working at the pace of, as a dear preacher of mine was wont to say, molasses in January, so I'd rather like to write ye olde blogge early tonight so that when the mood strikes I can hie away to bed, and not worry about concerning you all with no blog post. I know how much you'd miss me.

Anyway back to the nail polish. I recently purged my nail polish so 'sceptin' for about 5 bottles of clear nail polish that roam wild and free in my apartment the picture above shows my collection.... That's only... 18 bottles... uhhhh did I mention I have a problem? Well, look at it this way... it's cheaper than my eyeshadow addiction which I've quit cold turkey. (not the wearing of, the purchasing of)

You know what I like about nail polish, besides the colors? The names... For instance, today I bought nail polish called, Magic (bronze), Strapless (sparkly blue), Free Spirit (spring green) and Unzip Me (yellow). Now can you tell me why those colors are called those things?? Yeah, me either. I wanna get paid to just come up with suggestive/happy words and make nail polish names!

Yes, I did just buy the polish today because I felt I needed to round out my color options... and yes I know I still need to buy a proper orange and a purple. See problem number 2.

Ok, ok I'll go and try to do some cleaning.. or maybe I'll investigate making some of Pioneer Woman's iced coffee... That sounds like a reasonable alternative, right?

P.S. The beginnings of Pioneer Woman's iced coffee look more like primordial ooze than the start of a yummy drink...

Too late to be blogging... and yet...

Whoops...

It's 3 AM. Didn't mean for that to happen. Was reading a book... and... well, you know me. I'm adorable. 

I have to maintain that my love for reading and staying up too late doing so is adorable, because if it isn't then it's just pathetic and I've got plenty of things to be pathetic about in my life. I'd rather choose adorable.

My hair is still permed... I'm not sure that the perm will ever actually go away at this point. Leastaways not till it just grows itself out.

Did you know that there is a new hair trend called feathering in which you get feathers put into your hair? For reals. Check it, yo.

Pretty, no?

Yeah, it's just a fad, but seriously-- fun fad! Way better than shoulder pads or stirrup pants. You apparently have one, Mr. Steven Tyler, to thank for this 'un.

So here is my big goal for the week: To step away from the computer/tv and clean my flippin' apartment. 

Seriously, it's in need. I just need to be domestic and clean out my fridge and do all the dishes and clean my bathroom thoroughly rather than just intimidating it into being clean, and put away all the sundry laundry and finish my decorating plans in progress, and throw things away and find new homes for things, and organize my books and mop and sweep and file... oh boy do I need to file... 

If only "Who's the Boss?" was released on DVD for more than the 1st season. I find it much easier to clean if Tony Danza is right in there cleaning with me. No, seriously... watching Season One helped me get a lot of housework done last year. But even Netflix can't help me out with more than the first season. Alas.

ugh, 3:53-- have to get to sleep. Love you oodles and bunches, though.

The Post of Awesome

I had a good day running around with friends. I so prefer doing things to not doing things... and doing things with people? Sign me up.

Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble and found a book called "The Book of Awesome." They are things that are funny or clever, or really just awesome... (Please note that this is awesome as used in popular vernacular, not awesome as in inspiring awe (an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like.) You can get a feel for what the book is like by visiting the blog of awesome.  I really like the idea of cataloging the little things... It's kinda like playing the glad game.... (Yes, that is from Polly. What can I say? I love that movie.) It just gives you a nice perspective. Like remembering how nice it was when your parents posted your achievements on the fridge (or took them to show your grandma, ya know, however your childhood rolled.) Or how great airborne hugs are (Hugs where one person is lifted off the ground), or rainbows, or little kids' art. I feel like we all need to be reminded of these little kinds of awesomes that happen all around us.

Airborne hugs... those really are awesome, aren't they?!?

Well, it's 1:30 and I gots church in the morning, so I should get to bed.

But I will leave you with this awesome thing:

Thousands of bouncy balls

Once when I was in church camp the dean bought a thousand or more bouncy balls in several different colors. Then he told us he had a surprise, took all the campers into the chapel, closed all the windows and doors and he and the rest of the staff  picked up boxes of balls (that we couldn't see inside of) and then all at once they threw them. There was some sort of game that we were doing in which we had to get as many of the balls gathered up as we could (per team) and I think the colors were worth different amounts of points, but I will never forget how much fun it was to suddenly be in the midst of a hailstorm of bouncy balls and the bedlam that took place as 60 campers or so tried to catch and gather all the balls bouncing everywhere. It was great. Check out this you-tube video to get an idea of how great it was.

Hope makes all the difference in the world.

I went and saw Harry Potter this afternoon, and while it was a little sad, just because it meant it was all over, I didn't cry. When I saw the first part of the Deathly Hallows I was about 3 tears short of a full on theatrical meltdown... as in a melt down that happens in a theatre. But in this one... yes, there is a lot of sad... but I kinda knew what was going to happen at the end, and it wasn't a funeral. So there was hope. Even in the darkest hour there was hope. Hope makes all the difference in the world.

Read an article today that I really liked. That I liked so much that I posted it on Facebook... that I liked so much that I'm posting it here, too. It's called, "There's No Such Thing as 'The One'" and while I wasn't too sure about it with a title like that I read it and I completely agree. Basically the gist of it is that people choose their "one."  When it all comes down to it there are many people that you *could* have something with in the world, but what really makes the difference is your conscious decision. What makes the difference is you and your partner saying (and meaning) "I choose and commit to you, even when things get hard." And you can't really know what you are promising in the moment you say it, but it's the sticking to your promise every morning that makes this person the right one for you. You might be committing to the perfect life with 2.5 kids, you might be committing to seeing them through Alzheimer's, you might be committing to walking with them through cancer... you don't know when you take that vow... but you choose and you remain steadfast until death do you part. Is there an element of fate/destiny/divine providence? Yes, I think so... you did have to meet this person somehow... and I maintain that God knows who we are going to choose and so he slips in a few character building experiences and personality traits to help us deal. But the Disney perfect fairytale doesn't just happen. You work at it and you hit bumps and you deal with it and you commit to choosing to love this person even when you don't really feel like it, and then someday you look back and notice that you've been living happily ever after... it's just a heck of a lot messier than it looked like when the credits were rolling on Cinderella... At least Aladdin gets it a little right..  (see 3:40)

They just don't show you that Aladdin and Jasmine still have to choose each other after they ride that carpet into the sunset.

Sides' she's right. It's far more romantic to think that someone chose me, flaws and all, to love than to think that they are just with me cause I'm their "one" and there isn't a darn thing they can do about it. Choice is much more swoon-worthy than fate or destiny.

Sides... if there is no such thing as "the one," then I get to have hope for the future... and as I've already mentioned, hope makes all the difference in the world.

Oh hello, soapbox. Didn't mean to start standing on you... terribly sorry, I do hope you understand.

Sensitivity and Specificity

Did I tell you that I've had to pull myself back from watching my wedding video? I've had to do it like three times. It sounds like the worst idea ever but I still really want to. I don't have a lot of video of Nathan, not the grown up version anyway, and I miss him and I wanna see his mannerisms and hear his voice... Ach, I wanna hear his voice so very badly. I've hit this fresh wave it seems, and it's not even so much grief as it's missing... I'm missing so very hard right now.

When I was at home talking to someone in line for Foster's visitation they mentioned that their daughter works in Cox and she just got moved to "some x-ray sonogram thing where they put ivs in" and I said, "Oh, inter-venial radiology."And they looked at me like I grew a second head... and I thought... This was my life for 16 months... I know who they call to put in pic lines.

I'm not really a good person. I want people to think I am and I try and act like I am... but I can be so irritable and petty and *so* self-centered in my head. I have a pretty stoic exterior so people usually can't tell, but I really think some days the only thing holding me back from being a complete rotter is that I don't want to disappoint anyone. Fear of consequences... sometimes that's the only thing keeping me in line. Do you understand what I mean?

It's no good wanting something specific.... Because people try to fix the problem by giving you suggestions of things that aren't quite what you want and you feel spoiled and petulant saying, "No. I want *this* thing."
And then they say, "Well, I can't give you this- have you tried that?"
and you respond, "No I don't want that I want this."

But you know what? Sometimes there just *isn't* a replacement for chocolate except chocolate and no amount of almond bark or carob chips are going to replace it, and trying to pass off the fake stuff just irritates the person with the craving.

The first rule of conserving magical energy is to not be too specific and let the magic judge what the most efficient use of itself is. Every good fantasy nerd knows this. I just am not sure how to get less specific. What can I say? I'm a girl who knows what she wants... at least for the current 5 seconds.

Kinda a random jumble of random, kinda.

I love love love blogging from bed. I didn't know how much I would love it till I did it, and now, lemme tell ya. I love it.

Been feeling super needy lately... people needy. Like I just want to hang out with someone all the time. I think this is why I baked cookies in college. Because then I could draw people to me by giving them something... the perfect plan.

Is it possible to just be a middle of the road computer girl? Is it possible to love my mac and want an ipod but still like my PC? I think it is from my perspective, but I'm not sure it is from anyone else's. I mean I'm gonna have my PC desktop for several years yet, so it's not like I will be switching over any time soon.. but  people are writing me off as a mac girl, now. What if I don't want to be written off? What if I just want to have a foot in both worlds? I don't know that I get a choice.

I really like smells. I know I posted about this on facebook, but I think it bears repeating. I really like smells, and I like it when people smell good, and when they do I try to compliment them on it, because honestly I like it when people compliment me on my perfume/body wash/whatever. I don't mean it to be a flirtatious move or something. I just want people to feel good about themselves, and I really do notice, so why not mention it? But maybe other people don't see it like that. I think complimenting someone on their smell may be a bit like winking... only certain people can do it without seeming like they are flirting. But I think I may just throw caution to the wind and continue to compliment people anyway. Girls won't think I'm flirting with them, and hopefully guys will just be flattered and move on. Especially now that I've put it in writing. -If I tell you, you smell good, it doesn't mean that I'm coming on to you, it just means that you smell good.- If I can't get myself to bring back the wink, at least I can encourage people to keep smelling good. That can't be a bad thing. Smell on, people, smell on!

I need more things to do on weeknight evenings... or to live in the dorms again... or to have more single friends. How do I do that? How do I make friends with single people? Especially cause once I make friends with single people I start praying for them to find someone and soon they are no longer single. Which is great, but is running me out of singles.

I realized today that if I don't like something, but then find out that someone else does I start to think more kindly towards it. For example I have a friend who loves rain... and I've never really been a fan, but since learning of his love for it I don't get as bummed when I see storm clouds a'brewin, because I know my friend is happy about it. The same goes for no-bake cookies, which honestly I could live happily without... but they are a different friend's favorite cookie and now I find myself eating them and thinking that they really aren't that bad. Yes, my friends, that's how much of an extrovert I am. I like things for the mere reason that my friends like them.

My would-have-been 4 year anniversary is coming up... I'm kinda scared. Tonight, driving home I saw an ambulance, and flashed to the only time we had to have an ambulance come to our house... the week before Nathan died and I really wanted a hug but I came home to my empty apartment and just tried not to think about it. Obviously didn't do so stellar of a job, though, as I'm writing about it now... See what I mean? People needy.

I might get belligerent when I get tired...

It's 5 AM, so this is gonna be a short blog post.

I napped from 4:30 to around 8- No, I don't know why I was that tired, but when Kara couldn't sleep and came over at midnight it was totally fine. And then it turned into 3AM and we didn't even realize it, but she left and I still had video game stuff to work on... Working on bugs now, soon I will have nothing left to do with it.

But then I worked on the game for 2 hours... and now it's five and I wish I had someone to go get pancakes with cause I'm starving, but instead I'm going to go to sleep for 3.5 hours and then get up and be miserable cause I only slept 3.5 hours.

Someday I will figure myself out, but today is not that day.

I miss having someone to joke around with, and to hug when I'm think about things I shouldn't and I scare myself. I miss having someone to just *look* at and know they understand. I miss cuddling and bickering and just *sharing* my life with someone... I feel like I'm less than I was with him... Together we were greater than the sum of our individualities... Apart.... well I've lost him and I lost "us."

I feel like if I'd never been married people would try and tell me, "Oh, it's not as great as you think it is." or that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be. But I have, and I know that it *is* that great... or at least it can be. I have the proof that you can have the marriage that hopeless romantics dream about. We aren't so starry eyed as we first appear, you know. Don't bring your realism bubble-busting my way. I believe in fairy tales and I am being practical.

Someday I will have my cake and I'm gonna eat it, too. So, there.

Bits and pieces

Current favorite thing: Blogging from bed.  I would like to thank my laptop for making this possible.

Came home to my apartment and was alone and without plans for the first time in nearly a week... I didn't like it that much, honestly. Plans give my life purpose and meaning. 

So I took a nap... and watched some Netflix, and when all else fails you go to your boss and say, "Hey boss, what needs doin'?" And like magic you have something. Unfortunately I think that particular magic is only gonna last for a week or so more before it dries up. Then I'll be needing a new pet project to fill my late night hours- or perhaps I'll go back to my old one and craft my memoirs. The problem is I'm not nearly as witty when writing about myself... at least not in my own humble opinion. I'm witty when given a project and told: go.

Looking into macbook accessories... Thinking about buying it a skin... or a cover... I already have a bag that is more than sufficient for my carrying needs... (unfortunate, because I really like this one). But I don't know what to do about a cover or case. Rhonda voted for this one, but I don't really like the colors and it's mega expensive. Then there is this route. But honestly I'm tempted to just let my aluminum unibody case fend for itself and just buy a pretty skin- Like this or this. I know, I know, first world problem. Really it's not a problem, I just like to have opinions but no one really cares about this one but me.

Pioneer Woman made a post all about catching up with old friends from school whom she grew up with and how you should catch up with your old friends, too... and after this weekend, it's something on the forefront of my mind. Really, just friends in general and what makes a friend and what makes a friend worth having and how much you should try/ invest in friends, and when you should write friends off and if you should try to reconnect with friends from yesteryear. All sorts of friend topics that I'm ruminating on at the moment. Not sure that I'll come to any conclusions.

Any topic in particular percolating away in your little brains?

P.S. Dunno, if I've mentioned it lately but I really miss Nathan. I miss my husband.... but I miss my friend just as much. What I wouldn't give for a late night conversation that we fall asleep in the middle of... 

Good day

A good day.

I love my family. I love that I can laugh so hard with them, even when it's over something so silly-stupid that there is no way I can even explain the story to anyone else. Let's just say it started with a piece of celery that looked like a man and before we knew it we had a Celery Man astride a horse constructed of toothpicks, more celery and other vegetables, and wild imaginations. Plus with the Miller clan it's a lot easier to forget that a person is missing. My person.

Apparently adding sweetened condensed milk to any iced drink puts it pretty close to the nectar of the gods. I keep seeing recipes for iced tea and iced coffee with sweetened condensed milk and I want to try... but don't want to have a whole can of sweetened condensed milk just sitting around, afterwards.

Weather men are big big nerds. I know this because it's my parent's default channel so I see a lot of the Weather Channel when I'm at home and they (the weather men, not my parents) get all excited about things like "Saharan Air" and suspended African dust.

And on a complete and utter topic change, check out this website: Operation Beautiful. I really like the idea behind this website. That total strangers leave behind post-it's for other women to find. There is a lot to like about an idea like that. Now we just need to get the boys on the train, too. Boys leaving random you are beautiful post-its... best idea ever? Or at least ranking up there with sliced bread??

About Me

My name is Renée Dunn. (I just learned how to make an é on the macbook! So much easier than a PC laptop!) I turn 28 in August. I grew up in the middle of nowhere. Literally. Wal-mart- an hour away. McDonalds? an hour away. My bus ride? an hour long (and it went nowhere close to Wal-mart or McDonalds, just on a lot of back roads.) I have one sister, Rhonda, who is an entire 18 months younger than me, but she acts older than me, has two kids, and looks like she's 16 still, so it pretty well evens out.  As I'm fond of saying, I went to school in Memphis (MO not TN), I have an Arbela address, and I drive through Granger to get home, but the only nearby city most people will recognize is Kirksville. (Home of the Walmart and McDonalds.) My parents just celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary, and their names both start with R as well, so we signed Christmas presents and cards growing up as "The R's." I think that's kinda cute.

I fell in love somewhere along the way with theatre and that was my thang all through high school. Well, that and being the "smart kid." When you graduate with 69 people you have to wear several hats at once. I was also a complete and total goody-two-shoes. So I was liked and sometimes respected but not at all one of the popular kids. I was never asked on a date... never even asked to prom, I just went on my own. I like to think it was because I just never appeared interested or I intimidated the boys, but as I said I wasn't a popular kid, and honestly with only 30 some guys it's not like there were a lot of options.  Too bad, those fool boys didn't know what they were missin'.

So I graduated and went to college for Musical Theatre which promptly changed to Theatre which then changed to Speech and Theatre Ed (and then I threw in an English Ed minor just for kicks.) And in college I found myself. Well, sorta. In college I found people like me, and people who liked me for who I was. People who would go out of their way to spend time with me and to include me, which was something I missed a great deal growing up. There are many many perks to country living, but there are some definite downsides as well, and being easily forgotten over the summers is one of them. I lived in a dorm called Scholars and that place profoundly impacted my life, so much so that I lived there for my entire 5 year  collegiate stint. It was only 300 some people, and a good third of them were my kindred spirits. It is a place that will always hold a special place in my heart. I think it's where I really came into myself as a person... (what can I say, I'm a late bloomer!) It's also a place where I loosened up a good deal... I tend to think I must have been a bit insufferable in HS, but I don't really know. I met so many people who would become fixtures in my life there, including my best friend, Kara, and Nathan.

Nathan, that's another part of my story right there. I met Nathan in Scholars and along with Kara convinced him that being in the college band was not worth it. It took up a tremendous amount of time and it wasn't what he wanted to do with the rest of his life... That was the best convincing I ever did, because that later on that year Nathan and I started hanging out- a lot by the end of the year. We saw each other a couple of times over the summer and had pretty well become best friends by the beginning of the next year. And then he up and decided to visit me over Christmas break the following winter and we dated... for exactly a month before he broke up with me. And then the next July we started dating again, and then the next August he proposed and then the next July we were married... and then we had 3 wonderful years together and then September 28th of 2009 our lives changed forever with the words, "Acute Myeloid Leukemia." And I think if you've read my blog you know what happened with the rest of the story, but just in case let me sum up. Nathan responded very well to all his treatments, but had a more aggressive type of Leukemia that needed a bone marrow transplant. He had that in March of 2010, and sailed through that with flying colors... and then in October of 2010 he hurt his back lifting a computer, and we found out that he had severe osteoporosis, brought on by the steroids he had to take to combat Graft versus Host. He had multiple spinal compression fractures, and things kept getting worse and worse, until he had surgery in December. It helped a little, but not entirely and he had to use a walker to get around, and then one day in January he woke up and couldn't move his legs... and he had to go to the hospital in St. Louis, and they did a surgery to try and take the pressure off his spine, and he started to recover from that and then he came down with a pneumonia that we all carry around in our lungs all the time, but his body couldn't fight it off, with all of the immuno-suppressants that he was on and he died on January 29th, only 2 days away from his 26th birthday.

And my world fell apart, cause he was there in every aspect of who I was and what I did every day, and then... there was just a void. So I started writing regularly in this blog and I've been writing nearly every day since then. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's emo, but it helps me to deal, and it helps others to deal every now and again, or so I'm told. So I keep at it. So that's my life story thus far...but who am I? Well, I guess I can list off a few personality traits... many of which I'm sure I've mentioned somewhere on here before, but oh well. I wouldn't have, if I'd written this in the right space, rather than a year after the fact.

I am an extrovert. I mean this in the fact that I really enjoy people and I like spending time with people and I dislike being alone. However, I'm also kinda shy. I don't like to feel like I'm intruding or asking more of people than they are willing to give, so I can sometimes come across as stand-offish. Really, I just want to know that people like me and I don't trust people to act the way that they feel.. Politeness dictates actions many times, and I've noticed that it seems like the most annoying people are also the ones least aware of their annoying-ness, so I try to lean the other way and sometimes end up overcorrecting. I'm a very steady, stable person. This means that I'm extremely loyal, and also that I'm not given to wild mood swings or outbursts. Even in the midst of the grieving process, I'm much more prone to long stretches of a mood than short sudden microbursts. I'm not a touchy person (one who likes to touch others) except with my significant other or when I need comfort.

I'm witty at least some of the time and I have a ginormous family whom I love dearly. I love board games and card games and video games and computer games and pretty much any type of games, except maybe the Olympic games. I also love to read and have a tendency to pick up a book and not put it down till I'm done... even if that does happen to be 4 AM. And that's just adorable- not weird or pathetic, btw. I also love sewing, crafting, painting, sculpting and art in general, though I'm not exceptional at any of them, I'm rather an artistic jack-of-all-trades.

I'm very much a caretaker. I want to gather all the emos in the world under my wing and feed them sunshine and rainbows until they realize that things aren't quite as bad as they seem. I want to help and I really do believe that people are inherently good. Yes, they are also inherently selfish but I think that if people really do understand who and how their actions will affect others they will choose the nobler path. I know there is a spark of good somewhere inside everyone.

I'm also a Christian, and I believe in God more deeply, more fully, and more completely than I believe in anything else. I know that God has a plan, and though I desperately wish I could understand it, most times, I'm learning to accept that He "knows the plans he has in store for me." ... and that means I don't have to.

What else? Seems like there is so much more to say, but honestly I'm so tired at the moment that I can't think of anything. Perhaps this is a to-be-continued. Or, perhaps, this is enough and the rest of the blog will fill in the gaps... doesn't seem like I've really hit on who I am, but perhaps who I am can't really even be summed up in words...  Perhaps it just has to be this gut feeling that you just *know.* Perhaps I'm not making any sense anymore... well, guess I should let sleep call my name.

Goodbye for now, my dears. Hope you are sleeping well and happy.

So many familiar faces, in such familiar spaces...

I went to Foster's visitation tonight... I don't think that I will go to the funeral tomorrow... I don't think I could handle it... not without backup. Seeing him in the coffin was so hard. I hate that color.. I *hate* that color.  I don't know why it effects me so much, but more than anything else associated with death it is the color that bodies turn. It really gets to me... and it's not right. Not right at all.

Something else I was thinking about at the visitation. Memphis is (for all intents and purposes) my hometown. It's where I went to school and it's where all the community shows were, and it's the gathering place. Arbela and Granger are just names to direct mail or people to get to my house, but Memphis is the hometown. I saw a lot of people there tonight that I knew, or recognized, or grew up with in one way or another. And a great many of those people I hadn't seen in 10 years. Whenever I come home I see my family and whomever is at church that week, but I don't see the people from my home town. I mean I keep up with some of them (you) via facebook and several people have told me that they read my blog, which is so sweet... but we don't hang out face to face and I don't really know who they are anymore.

I think that's the strange thing for me. I grew up with these people. We saw each other nearly every weekday for 13 years. I knew them... and then 10 years went by, and now... I recognize them. I recognize their faces and expressions and their hand gestures and their voices... but I don't know who they are anymore.. and they don't know who I am... It makes me kinda sad actually. I want to catch up with them. I want to get a glimpse into who they turned into... But I'm missing the reunion and as I've discovered I'm just as awkward with people who I knew as I am with people who I don't know. I think I've determined that my new line is going to be something akin to, "Ok here's the thing. I'm extremely interested in your life and what you are doing now, but I'm horrible at asking the right questions, so feel free to share anything you want to. Stories welcome, personal revelations encouraged, feel free to ask any questions that you have if you are better than me at it. I care about you, I just don't know how to show it unless you want me to bake you something."

I've been ruminating on something for a while... It comes from a couple of different places, mainly from blogs. A friend from high school started a blog and the first post was about who he is. And then Blogger Idol's first challenge was to introduce yourself, and then a couple of other people who really only know me from my blog mentioned that, and I realized that I've never done an introduction of myself on here. I just assume that the people who are reading it mainly know me, but I don't think this is always the case... and then tonight I realized that maybe the people who I thought knew me don't really know who I am now...  And then I thought, "Heck I'm so non-self aware that maybe even the people who really do know me don't know what I would say about myself." Then again I'm also predictable (or as I like to call it- steady) so maybe they'd be able to guess.  Regardless I think that I'm going to get to work on a introduction of myself blog... you know, nearly a year in seems like a good time to write one. :) So maybe you'll get a bonus blog tonight.. we'll see.

The knows and the know nots

I dunnae know how to set up a wireless connection, with a wireless router that already has a name and password... So this is coming to you live from my parent's ridiculously wide monitor. I will take a picture of it and show you how wide it is, but not now, as I forgot my cable that hooks my camera up to the computer.

Things I know:

I don't think you can see stars anywhere in the world like you can from my yard.
The country smells like dirt and peas fresh from the garden.
I heart my car-- It's easy to drive in and the gas mileage is outasight!
The Prius has been officially baptised in the mud.
My parents got new rock for the driveway so it's far less muddy than it was.
Austin Animal crackers are vastly superior to other animal crackers.

Austin, ftw (That means for the win, Mom.)

Things I don't know:
How hot it is upstairs where I will be sleeping.
The password on the wireless network.
The square root of 349532.
When any of my family is getting into town.
What to write next.

Wanting to be technicolor...

Things I'm good at:
Focusing on projects until I meet my self imposed deadlines.
Staying up late
Taking Naps
Making Lists
Researching things on the internet so that when I go into a store I know exactly what I want.
Blogging in bed

Things I'm not good at:
Getting everything on my list done
Sleeping enough the night before I drive for 5.5-6 hours
Packing earlier than the day I am leaving (I used to be good at this, but now I am an abysmal failure.)
Only packing enough clothes/supplies for the days that I will be gone. (I'm currently at about 3 times as many shirts as I actually need.)
Responding to e-mails that I first read on my phone. (It's the one smart phone technology fail, in my opinion.)
Actually leaving town at the time I thought I would 2 days prior to leaving

I have an inspiration for a blog post, but the events of the days keep getting in the way of my inspiration... I have too many thoughts on what transpired to actually write my preconceived idea. Maybe tomorrow, since a good portion of the day will be spent driving down the road. Surely the road can't be that interesting, right?

Started to watch "Anne of Green Gables: the Sequel" the other day, and at one point Anne is talking about Gilbert with Marilla and asking why he has to act the way he does and Marilla says it's because he loves Anne. Then this exchange happens:

ANNE: He loves me? I can't know why.

MARILLA: Because you made Josie Pye and Ruby Gillis and all of those wishy-washy young ladies who waltzed by him look like spineless nothings.

I love that. It's the type of girl/person I aspire to be... the type that makes all those other girls look wishy-washy and like spineless nothings. I want to be technicolor in a world of grayscale. Honestly, I just want to be special. That's all I've ever really wanted to be.

Pain of all sorts

owowowowow

Please tell me I'm not the only one who sometimes gets her swallowing rhythm off and somehow manages to attempt to swallow some part of her throat that is unswallowable and it hurts really really super bad. Oh, I am? Oh, great.  Next thing I know, you'll be telling me I'm the only one who sometimes gets a really sharp pain in her jaw if she's been smiling too much while eating sugar, or who steps down the wrong way sometimes and sends searing pain across the top of her foot that lasts for approximately 3 seconds before fading to a sore pain-memory.

Those things happen to everyone. I just know it.

Foster did, in fact, pass away last night. We weren't super close in high school, but we were in drama together and being in a show or two together tends to give you a bond. He was far more outgoing and popular than shy reserved little ole me. I remember Foster as being over the top and sarcastic and absolutely hilarious. He was friendly, gregarious, had a kind heart, and an amazing talent for pointing out the ridiculous in any situation, until you just couldn't stop laughing. He wasn't popular because he was good at a particular sport or event. He was popular because you just couldn't help but like him. His personality was addictive. This whole young death thing has got to stop. I don't want to have to try and deal with it anymore. I don't want to fail at dealing with it anymore... I don't have anything else to buy.

Yes, I did up and buy a Macbook Pro, today. Best Buy was having a very small sale, and I'd already determined I wanted one, and this way I will have a laptop when I go home, and honestly, buying something makes me feel better. Yeah, I know that's totally shallow and materialistic, but it's true. I'm loving it thus far.

I have a lot of things to get done tomorrow, so I should most likely go to bed... You know, so that tomorrow I can work at the church, and work on the video game, and do laundry, and pack, and clean the house so I don't come home to gross dirty dishes, and go play games with my friends, and sleep.

Yeah, I'm not convinced the sleeping will actually happen, either.

Love someone

Tonight, I want to talk about something I touch on pretty often on my blog...dealing with mortality.

An old drama chum was in a hit by a car last night... It was a hit and run... the driver scurried off somewhere apparently unscathed (the police have since taken someone into custody from what I understand) and Foster went into the hospital, where he is in critical condition. Well, at least that's what I hope... because someone wrote on Facebook that the plan was to take him off life support sometime this evening and that he was not expected to make it much longer after that.

I don't want that to be true. Facebook is filled with so many messages that can be interpreted so many different ways, and I don't know who has the truth and who doesn't, and I don't really want to accept bad news unless someone says it straight out.  But I'm afraid. Afraid that the world has lost a wonderful guy with a rapier wit and a huge heart. Afraid that death has once again come flitting around... afraid that the scene in the hospital room that I try so hard to avoid in my own memories has now become a part of someone else's memories.

Someone wrote this on Foster's wall- Someone who was obviously closer than I was to him... someone who is hurting more than me over the loss, or the possibility of the loss. But oh, the sentiment... that I recognize...

"Love you... I hate to be selfish, but I need you here. There was so much more we needed to do with our lives."

Oh yes, I know that plea- Wait, don't go. We aren't through, yet... we had such bigger plans than this. Please don't say this is all I get.

There is a sentiment/thought/command that I had decided I would post on July 21st... on our wedding anniversary. It's simple, but I'm not going to wait to say it, anymore- Hold someone you love today. Tell them how much you love them. If it happens to be your spouse, please please appreciate that... if it happens to be your family make sure you don't have anything between you hindering your relationship, if it happens to be your friends, do what you can to take care of them. But please don't waste your time anymore... we are all so fragile- so very breakable. Tell the important people the important things. Heck, if it comes to it hug a stranger, today.. but *love* someone today... cause you can't know what will happen tomorrow, even though we pretend we do.

The 4th of July

When I was a little kid this was my favorite holiday. I liked Christmas and Easter and Halloween, but the 4th of July was my very favorite holiday. On the 4th (well, really just a Saturday sometime around the 4th) my whole (Miller-side) family gets together.. Christmas we might miss sometimes... Easter and Thanksgiving, pretty often... but if you can only be there for one holiday out of the year, the 4th is the one. It's nice because there is more space for everyone... There is a swing-set and a inflatable pool for the little kids... and lawn chairs, a porch swing, volleyball, and air-conditioning for the adults. When I was growing up there was a trampoline, too, but a windstorm got it I think.

Too bad, I kinda want a big old trampoline again... it's a good work out AND lots of fun.

I'm really glad that miniskirts went out of fashion with Dawson's Creek.

Also I just found a bolt on the keyboard tray of my desk... I don't know where it came from but I'm pretty sure my desk might be falling apart.

I think that fireworks might be magic... Little bits of light magic. There is a reason why Gandalf brings them to Bilbo's party. There is a reason why wands shoot off sparks sometimes and fairy dust and vampires (now) sparkle. There is a reason that proms and teenage girls overuse glitter. There is a reason why looking at my sparkly nails makes me happy. Magic.

Going to Branson tomorrow for shopping and to see Bill and Paula again... should be quite fun, but as it's 2:47 I should probably go to bed.

Love you all, and Happy 4th of July!