E-harmony...

So there is this thing that I've done and I wanted to talk to you about it... but I've been a little... scared? Shy? Just not quite prepared?

So I've put it off and put it off, and rambled about pie and waited until I was too tired to blog about anything serious or even make any sense. But I think it's time I talked to you about it. After all, if an action is taken and a blog is not written, does the action really happen at all? :) So, I know I've told ya'll that I'm ready to find someone again. I'm ready to find another relationship. Well, this week I took action on that. I signed up for e-harmony. I have 2 family members who found their spouses via e-harmony and I've heard several stories of friends of friends who have also found their significant others via e-harmony... I kinda feel like e-harmony is the one that doesn't mess around. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's just my impression.

I've always defended online dating/match sites. Not just because of my aforementioned family, but because in this world where we live, it can be so hard to find someone who shares enough of your back story to understand you and to be compatible with your world view. It used to be that we found someone who grew up in the same town we did and it was so easy because you had so many pre-determined relationship points that you just had to find someone who fancied your smile or who had the bluest eyes. But we don't live that way anymore and I've always said that online dating is the replacement way of finding the people who you used to be able to find in your home town.

...That said, I didn't really want to do online dating... I talked about it, but something in me really resisted it. I far prefer the back story of being friends and then being more... I far prefer the back story of being set up by friends. Heck, I far prefer the back story of seeing each other across a restaurant... though I'm not sure that really happens. Plus, I think that I'm a lot more attractive when you know me, rather than relying on my abysmal first impressions... and that's not exactly conducive to the whole idea of dating while you get to know a person. But I don't want to be passive about this. I mean I want to be pursued, I want to be courted, I want a guy to try for me... but I don't want to just be sitting around waiting for God to intervene... I want to feel like I'm *doing* something. Yes, it's ultimately God's timing that it comes down to, but I don't want to go crazy while waiting... or to become cynical or jaded.

Plus, I came to a realization that most people would think was obvious, but shocked me. In all likelihood, I will date more than one other person before I find the right one. I know... you are thinking, "well, duh." But here's my boy history- I like them, they don't like me, or I like him, he likes me, we get married. So to think that I might date several guys... it was surprising, but also freeing. There isn't any pressure on the next relationship to be anything more than it is. If it's great and leads to marriage, lovely. If it's not and leads to no longer dating... so it goes. And both of these options are ok. So getting on e-harmony just got a heck of a lot less scary. And it's not like I have much of a way to meet single guys. I work mainly by myself and nearly every guy at my church is married or dating someone. I also don't have the steady supply of single men that college provided me with and for some reason it's never been easy to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.

I don't mean for that to sound self-pitying-- I have no regrets about my life. I think Nathan being my first boyfriend was kinda the ideal situation for me... but now I have to keep going, and I'm not sure if I'm just more intense than most guys want, if I'm intimidating, or if the Good Lord just has plans for me that He doesn't want me to screw up by getting into a relationship with the wrong guy. And heaven's knows that being a widow sure doesn't help a guy to be confident about me. I'd imagine most guys would find that -pardon the expression- scary as hell. So, I fall into the friend category with boys pretty easily, but the more than friends thing... that's a lot harder to find, but it's something that I want.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not desperate. I've gotten used to going to bed alone and not having someone to tell all the mundane details of my day to. I've gotten used to not having someone to touch or lean on, though I miss it. I've really tried to examine my heart and make sure that this is what I want and that I'm not looking for a Nathan replacement, but truly a new relationship that is just as good but very different. I do feel like there is some part of me that is at it's best when in a relationship with someone. That said, I've got people who I can take care of and invest in and I'm not hurting for friends, so I'm not going to settle for a guy who isn't wonderful. But I am going to *look.* I'm also not going to be stupid. Online dating can be a dangerous- even on a site with a good reputation like e-harmony, so I'll have friends on call and I'll be smart and safe about it.

Of course all that depends on someone who I have an interest in having an interest in me based on a few sentences and pictures. That hasn't happened yet... I'm still shy and I'd like for the guy to make the first move, though I've sent out a few smiles and even attempted to start communication with one fellow. I'll definitely keep you informed of any situations that arise... and you be sure to tell any gorgeous single men that you know about this lovely girl you know. ;)

But in the meantime, I've finally told you and I've opened up a new book in this series of life. We'll see how it goes.