so today... it wasn't a good day. It tried to be a good day... but it wasn't. I cried so many times today. I tried not to, but.. it still hurts so much sometimes. And it's like some days are just designed to make you hurt. People say stupid things, and you find yourself in bad circumstances and unrelated things bring up fears and pain... and you find links to incredibly touching songs that just make you sob.
And it's all that I can do to not scream "Why" at the sky. Why do I have to be alone and dealing with this. Why can't I have the man who loved me with me.
People tell me all the time how well I'm handling everything and how amazing I am at dealing with this. But I still have breakdown days, when all I really want is to be held. I still have days when I lose my temper over things that shouldn't cause such a meltdown, and I still think of him a million times a day. What I wouldn't give to just live my life over and over in one day with Nathan. Just stick me in Groundhog's Day for 60 more years, please. Either that or give me something to work with... something to hope for. I don't know how much longer I can be normal and well adjusted and doing so well. I know I can't stay in one day forever and that it wouldn't actually be healthy to do so... I want to heal, I really do. But I'm not sure that I know how to heal on my own anymore.
The brother-in-law of my uncle (the uncle who lost his mom this year and went through the Joplin tornado) was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given a few weeks. And my grandfather is apparently having Electrical Cardioversion for atrial fibrillation in the morning. I just found out about it on Facebook, cause I don't think my family (understandably) wants to worry me with medical stuff. But I am worried. Not so much about this particular procedure, but about his health in general... And I'm worried that I don't have Nathan here to get me through this. He promised me that he would get me through the deaths of my grandparents if that ever happened (and I'm choosing to believe that it never will.) Because he's not here and I'm not sure that I can do it on my own... especially not now. I mean how freaking brave and strong do I have to be? Even the bendiest of trees has a breaking point, and I don't really know how I can rely on God any more than I already am.
I don't know what the crap God is doing with my life right now. I know it's something, cause there are too many strange things going on to be coincidental, but it kinda just feels like He's messing with me. That doesn't really fit into my picture of who God is/ what He's about... but there it is.
Ach, time to sleep, and recover from this bright red nose and stuffy head.... and my one woman pity party. Goodnight, for now. Oh and here's the song that I referred to.
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