Open your fist, unclench your eyes and say, "ok."

When I wash my hair and then let it dry without putting any stuff in it or straightening it, it turns into a puff ball. But it's better if I let it dry naturally before attempting to come at it with a straightening iron. So I'm sitting here with puff ball hair. S'ok though. We'll just keep it between us, ok?

It's funny. Sometimes something gets built up so big in your head that the actuality can't live up to it. My dear friends can't quite be as funny or as cool as they are in my memories and in my expectations... and that's why the best times/plans come from nowhere... when you have no expectations, it's easy to blow them out of the water... but when you expect something... when you have a plan for it. That's when it gets dangerous cause that's when you can get disappointed. And life... it just does not turn out like you expect it to. If there is anything in this world that I have learned it's that.... Yet, what do I do, over and over again? I get my hopes up. I anticipate... I expect. And I'm not the only one, I know... I have a lot of friends who are expecting something... babies, marriage, love... seems like every single one of us is expecting something out of life. And I'm not saying that's bad, at all. I'm very pro-babies and marriage and love... but I don't think it's going to be as we imagine... there is too much that can change, too much that is in flux. And in some ways it's going to be more wonderful, more awe-inspiring, more entrancing and intoxicating and incredible than our wildest imaginations could ever dream... but I also think it's going to be more painful and soul wrenching and disheartening than we knew... at least that's been my experience of life thus far. I paraphrase Helmuth von Moltke when I say that no battle plan survives the first engagement. (Yeah, I had to look that up to know who I was paraphrasing.) It holds true to life as well as war... no plan survives the first step...

I paraphrase Kara (who might be paraphrasing someone else or might just be this brilliant) when I talk about this little kid who has a ten dollar bill in her hand... It's there, right in front of her- clenched tight in her fist. She can feel it, she knows what it is and she knows how she is going to spend it. That Princess Tiana doll is in her sights. And then her grandfather comes up to her with all the doting in the world says, "Give me that 10 dollars. I have something better for you."  But she clenches her money to her chest and closes her eyes and yells "no" and doesn't even stop to look at the 100 dollar bill that her grandfather is offering in trade. Nevermind that her grandfather would never cheat her. Nevermind that she doesn't even know the value of money. Nevermind, even that her grandfather was who gave her the money in the first place. She just knows that he now wants what she thinks is hers. He wants to take away this thing that she now holds dear. How could he possibly understand how great Princess Tiana is? How could he possibly understand the friendship that exists between a girl and her doll??

I think that most of the Christian life (most of life?) is trying to keep my fist open and trying to actually mean it when I say, "You gave this to me, You can take it away if You want. I know that Your plan is better than mine.... I don't know how it's better than mine, but I know it is. Take it... and take my expectations, too. I choose to trust You."

Sometimes hair has to dry before it can be straightened... and sometimes you have to open your fist, unclench your eyes and say, "ok." (How's that for bringing it all back around?)