A song started playing.
It’s one of those songs that you listen to and suddenly begin to
create your own crappy you-tube montage in your head. All the moments in your
life that lead up to this. You replay in slow motion the time you sat up until
late in the morning discovering how much you had in common with this adorable
boy you’d just met. And the night outside on the deck, laughing as the
fireflies were twinkling around you. You replay when he put his hand on your
cheek and you suddenly wished that time would slow down. And how he manipulated you into kissing him
first. How you broke up and then got back together, but you made him kiss you
first, this time. You replay the moment you said goodnight and kissed in the
rain, just because neither of you had ever done that… and you replay the moment
when he told you about this wonderful dream he had… to be sitting in a window
seat, cuddled in a blanket, looking out a snowstorm with his wife, and how you secretly made that your new dream.
Then you replay the expression on his face when he asked you
to marry him, and then when you walked down the aisle, and the joy on his face
the first time you called him your husband. And all those silly moments when he
would come up behind you in the kitchen and kiss your neck and just be in the
way because he wanted to be near you and you shooed him away because you had
things on the stove. (Why did I do that? Who cares about a little burned supper?) You replay the moments when you were just sitting around
watching tv… and then you weren’t watching tv anymore.
Then you replay the moment when the dr told you it was
cancer, and he comforted you. And the moment they told you that he
would need a bone marrow transplant and all the trips to the hospital in the
freezing cold and the night that you watched an episode of Star Trek cuddled up
on his hospital bed and could touch him without hurting him for the first time
in months. You replay the night that they moved two beds together in the
hospital room so that you could sleep next to the man who kissed you in the
rain, once. You replay the days when he
was getting better and then you replay the days when he started getting worse.
You replay the nights when you could barely sleep because he was hurting so
much. You replay staying up all night sitting on the floor next to the bed just
to hold his hand cause that’s all you could do. You replay when he was so
drugged out that he thought he should get some free slippers, damn it. And then you
replay the last conversation you ever had where he told you he loved you
forever and that he trusted you.
And then the last days where all you could do was watch
those numbers drop.. and the last moment where for some reason you made sure
you looked at the time because you knew your life was changing forever and you
needed to know it was 8:30 in the morning.
And then you end the you-tube montage with a picture of you,
cuddled in a blanket on a window bench, looking out at a snowstorm, wishing he could have had that moment he’d
imagined.. You just thought you had time.
The damn song was shorter than it should have been.
I haven't given up on this new life that I'm heading towards... but it's still really hard to let go of the life I didn't get to have.
I struggle sometimes... I struggle with blessing people. There is this terrible selfish part of me that doesn't want to bless anyone. Because don't you understand what my life is like? Don't you understand what I've gone through, God? Why do I have to bless someone else? Today I chose to bless someone because I thought God wanted me to. But a "cheerful giver" I was not. Afterwards I sat down and cried.
I don't understand why it had to be Nathan. Other people are miraculously healed... why couldn't he have been? It's not like he wouldn't have given all the glory to God... He could have been such a powerful witness... He already was and he wasn't even better. I just... I just miss him, I miss his annoying hyperbole and the way he talked with his hands and a million other tiny little things.
I wrote a second ago that I don't know who I am anymore or what I want... but after thinking about it for a second, I realized it's not true. I mean I don't really recognize the girl I am anymore, but I still know... somewhere deep down, who I am... and I still know what I want... I just feel bad for wanting it. Because what I want hasn't changed through any of this. My blogspot is called "minus ambition" because I've never had big dreams... only small and simple ones- the only things in my life I've ever been fully committed to wanting is to be someone's partner... to be a companion and a support and a helpmeet... to raise beautiful children together.... to see my grandchildren and great grandchildren... to live out my happiness in the company of someone who loves me. And I still want all of that.
And I think that's why I struggle with blessing others, right now... because I feel like I was blessed and then it was taken away from me. Because while I fully admit I've been blessed- I've also been hurt. I've been hurt so much and so deeply and now I'm afraid that there isn't a man in this world who is brave enough to take on a girl who is only available because her husband died. I'm afraid that the only thing I'm going to get out of this life is just knowing exactly what I don't have.
I don't want to bless anyone else because I'm afraid that this is all I get... a sappy you-tube montage that only exists in my head.
It's hard. It's so hard to keep your heart soft.
Two steps forward...
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