Contemplation

Want to know something odd? I found the following in an old notebook. I think I wrote it my first year of teaching, though I don't completely remember:

"Restless, and restless of being restless
Everything changing, wishing it all made sense.
Purposeless and trying to convince oneself that's ok.


'Does everyone feel so alone?' she wondered, sitting on a plaid couch. Is it a condition that we all feel and try to pretend we don't? Does the man rooting through the dumpster and throwing soda cans into a stolen grocery cart feel it, or is loneliness a privilege of the rich? If Maslow's needs are fulfilled can we then know loneliness, or is it something more basic than even the need for food, water, air. Is it encoded into our DNA, caused by a chemical, or is it simply because we all know somewhere deep inside, that each of our cells is alone. Yes, it makes up a body,  but it is still just one cell surrounded by a shield that won't let anything get too close, lest an explosion happen.


The amazing gift of the human being is to be alone when surrounded by others. And I think perhaps the gift of Americans in particular to refuse connection to another. I was walking into a gas station the other day and an elderly woman was walking out. She said, "Can you put this in my front seat?" I was shocked, taken aback, and genuinely confused. I looked around for help and started to go into the gas station when another girl asked her, "What now?" The lady repeated her plea and held the bag on her arm out. The younger girl took it and escorted her to her car. I quickly went to the restroom and avoided the younger woman in shame. What harm could an old lady who can't lift her groceries do to me?"

Odd, that I wrote something so apt for my feelings today, almost 5 years ago. So much for that whole, "look how much different I am today" feeling that I like to espouse. I, apparently, am much the same- though I'd like to think I would stop to help the lady with her groceries, I can also see myself doing the same thing, all over again. I don't do well with surprises that require action.

During the graduation ceremonies I was thinking a lot about my acting classes in college and the things I was taught about posture-- Hold that chin up, drop those shoulders. Show the world that you are brave and strong and noble, even though inside you feel scared and weak and base. Because somehow, if you can show it to the world, it's just a little bit more true and your feelings don't actually matter after all.

This is as contemplative as I ever get, and I've yet to draw a single conclusion. Interestingly enough, I recognize this as the writing mood I was in which resulted in me being accused of plagiarism on two separate occasions in high school. (I have never knowingly plagiarized, and I'm honest enough on here, I'd tell you if I had.) I think, perhaps, it's because when I am contemplative I lose my writing "voice"... It's as though I'm writing while mentally underwater. Ahhh there's a conclusion. At last I can sleep soundly.