Anything I could write will seem rather paltry... I thought perhaps I should not write anything, out of respect for the people of Joplin and the heartache and hardship that is happening there... but I gotta have someone to talk to.
So forgive me. Everything I say will most likely be inane and won't amount to a hill of beans in comparison, but it's all I got and it's how I know to get through things.
Saw "Water for Elephants" this evening... It was good. Movies with old men talking about their "still beautiful" wives make me really sad though. I can't help thinking sometimes about how robbed I feel. I had this wonderful special person/relationship/thing and it was taken away from me. And now I don't have anyone to reassure me that when we are 90 he will still think I'm beautiful, just like that sweet old man. My happily ever after was stolen. I'd be angry but there is no one to be angry at, and it seems like a rather wasted emotion to just be angry. Especially when seeing what is happening just down the road. Do I really want to bemoan my loneliness, when there are so many tonight who are not only lonely but also hurt, homeless, and without anything?
Not really, and yet here I sit.
I had a bit of a realization yesterday. I know that you are supposed to stop believing in fairy tales somewhere around the age of 10... but I never did. I still believe in fairy tales. I don't think they look the same as they do in the books, but I still believe they happen one way or another. I still think there might be hobbit in me, and that I can get to Narnia through a wardrobe or a picture, and that I'm just a Muggle, so I never got my invitation to Hogwarts. I still believe that I can find a Companion that will talk inside my head and that I will run across a sparkly vampire who will fall madly in love with me because I'm clumsy and smell good. I still believe there is some magic in this world and I want it. Yes, it will probably make my life harder, but it's *magic* how can you not want that? How can you settle for a life without it?
Hi, my name is Endearingly Quirky. I'm not sure if we've met.
Have you ever read "Eat, Pray, Love"? There is a wonderful section in the beginning where the main character is talking about not deserving to express her needs or pain, and her best friend replies something I will paraphrase, knowing I cannot do the literary emotion justice:
ReplyDeleteYou are a creature of God, a part of the world, just like everything else. You were created and interactive in and with the universe. You have every right to feel how you feel, to express that feeling to the universe, to live out who you are and feel exactly what you feel as part of the universe that God created.
There may be destruction down the road from you. There was also just another bombing that killed more in Tripoli today. There were extended delays and geography threatened from Icelandic volcanic eruptions. There were continued conflicts in Darfur. There were children threatened by landmines in Cambodia. Someone celebrated a birthday, an anniversary, a reunion today. Someone saw their first sunrise, learned they had a life-threatening disease, someone reconciled a grievance today and forgave and was forgiven. Someone experienced God in a profound way today. Each one of these experiences is unique, is valid, is an integral part of the human experience God created for each of us. Not one of these events diminishes nor takes away from another. Not one is undeserved, and in not one of these does the recipient relinquish the right to feel and be who they are. You have every right to your emotions, to dealing with your personal situation right now, to crying out to God in your own heart with your own voice. You are loved. You are heard. You are an amazingly strong and beautiful woman who is integral to this world.