Look anew

Ok, so you might think I'm crazy for this, but just go with it. The next time you are in the sun.. or if you just happen to have a sunbeam handy, now- take a half full bottle of water and look at it in the sun. Shake it gently. Watch the light in the water sparkle and dance.

We live in a world so chock-full of beauty and very often we don't see it just because we've seen it so many times before.

My e-mail address is lookanew... it's a reminder to myself. Look anew. There's something more to see. There is still wonder left in this world, even while doing something as mundane as taking a drink.

I statements

Short Blog: I'm super sleepy

I had a critique today that was almost all good, and yet left me feeling like "Hey wait... all critiques are just opinion."

I don't like it when people just gush about my work... it feels inauthentic. And I don't want to have to live up to the pedestal a person puts me on by not finding flaws.

I'm really excited about some new friendships I'm forming.

I'm really excited about how great my other friendships are

I'm thinking about not taking a class in the Spring Semester, and just working on my novel/ other projects.

I've decided nothing.

I bake some darn fine cupcakes.

I'm super sleepy. Did I mention that?

G'night.

Life's a Happy Song

I got a lot done today.

I wrote several pages on my story and posted it to Blackboard... K, that was at like 3 AM but that's technically today!

I made all my Christmas shopping purchases.

I worked.

I discovered that sugar free Peppermint syrup isn't as good as regular peppermint syrup but it will do if you have no other alternative.

Learned how to make Peppermint syrup. Yeah, that's happening as soon as I empty a bottle of Vanilla syrup I have.

I watched an episode of Eli Stone. I both love and hate watching shows that are already ended... It means I can watch all of them at once.... but it means that I get sad that shows I didn't watch when they were on weren't renewed.

I made soup.

I burned soup.  Whoops! Rookie mistake.

I made some sweet magnets out of vintage clip on earrings and some flat beads.

I came up with ideas for a game... don't get excited, no clue if this game will actually use any of my ideas.

I watched the Sing-Off Finale and was quite happy with the results. This gives nothing away cause I would have been quite happy with any of the top 3 groups winning.

I sent multiple e-mails.

I convinced my dad to make rolls for the Carney Christmas celebration with the line, "It's a proven fact that widows need yummy cornmeal rolls to make it through the holidays."

... ok so technically I think he'd already decided to make them anyway but I think the widow plea would have worked. Parents are susceptible to widow pleas.

Bought this song for free

Now I'm going to do one of several things: Write more, read a book, bake cupcakes, or make a fabulous thing for the Carney Family gift exchange. I want it to be so awesome it gets stolen 3 times. Considering the divergent tastes of my family this might be a tall order.

P.S.
I wish I were Amy Adams for many reasons... but this is a big one:

W things are hard

Writing is hard.

Waiting is hard.

Walnut is a hardwood.

I had a strange thought today. I think I'd like to share my story... aloud, not in writing... with strangers...

In other words I think I had a desire to be a motivational speaker today... either that or give a "testimony."

Neither of these things come naturally to me... but how will people know what God has done for me, if I don't tell them?

Working is hard

Waking up is hard.

Whiskey is a hard liquor.

Thankful

Someone told me that they think I'm incredible this week. That I've handled this whole grieving process amazingly well. It made me feel so good. Someone else recently told me that I don't seem like the kind of person who has experienced so much loss in their life. Neither of these people knew Nathan. Neither of these people had even met me 3 months ago. And I take it as such a compliment that they think these things about me... but you know what? It wasn't me, and I'm not sure that I have or that I can make a big enough deal about who it was.

It sounds really hokey and cliche but I have to thank God for it, honestly.

After Nathan was diagnosed I was so upset... and after the first 48 hours I left the hospital just to go and get several hours of uninterrupted sleep at his aunt's ... and I prayed then that God would fix it. I remember laying on the bed staring at the wall and just praying that He would heal Nathan, and not make us have to go through all of this... And in the time I was praying, I never got any sort of reassurance that Nathan would be healed... But what I did get was an incredible sense of peace and reassurance that God was there. And that He would be with us through whatever was coming. I think I even came back to the hospital room and told that to Nathan, privately. God is with us.

And God has been.

He provided us... and then me... with the family and the friends and the job and the strength and even the insurance that was exactly what we/I needed when we needed it. And that's not to say that I haven't wanted more than what was given... but it's always been enough... I got to have 2 more Thanksgivings with Nathan after his diagnosis, and this Thanksgiving I spent with his family... all of us missing that fabulous grin of his.

But I'm thankful, still.

Thankful for a God who sent his son to die so that my wonderful husband could go to heaven and walk in a new body that will never turn against him and never cause him pain.

And I'm so thankful for my God, who provided me with what and who I've needed to get through every day of my life.. but most especially since September of 2009.

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23

Reading, Writing, and Funfetti

I've started to reread the Indian in the Cupboard... and I realized now that I've actually embarked on writing a YA novel that I really pay attention to how authors write. I have to keep reading and plow through to let my brain disengage... It's a little sad, actually.  But good for me. If I'm going to be an author this is the type of stuff I *should* be paying attention to, rather than just relying on my instincts.

Don't get me wrong, I think I have good instincts. Honed from reading millions and millions of books.... ok maybe thousands and thousands... but good instincts nonetheless. But it might be good to be aware of the choices I'm making so that I can defend them if need be.

I thought the other day while reading over someone's work. "Why didn't I become an editor?" I really enjoy sitting with a colored pen, marking up manuscripts.... but maybe that's why. I'm too much of an old fuddy-duddy, still marking manuscripts by hand when I could be digitally editing... there is just something so comfortable about sitting there reading a physical page with a pen in your mouth. Especially if it's something you enjoy reading, rather than a some scholarly paper or an instruction manual.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to yet. Maybe I there were some experiences I needed to have and some time that needed to pass before I was ready... I never actually knew I was a writer until the past few months.

Dreams and plans can change so fast... and so slow.

Hey! I found a Funfetti sweater!!! I'm so excited. I just had to go to the Jrs section to find it. Oh Arizona company... I still love you, even after all these years.


It kinda looks like this

only with buttons

And the most important part is that when you see it up close it looks like this:

Funfetti!!

Uncomfortable uncertainty

It occurs to me that I'm rather comfortable with waiting for some things. I'm comfortable with waiting to make decisions. I'm comfortable with not Christmas shopping until after Thanksgiving is over. I'm comfortable with leaving characters/places/books unnamed until the right idea comes to me. I'm comfortable with waiting to eat food until I have someone to eat with. I'm even comfortable with waiting until Christmas/ my birthday to open presents (without peeking, shaking, or otherwise snooping.)

But there is a lot I'm not comfortable with waiting for. I'm not comfortable with waiting to go to the dentist. I'm not comfortable with waiting to find out the results of a medical procedure. I'm not comfortable with waiting to find out if I'm going to find someone to love this new girl that I am. I'm not comfortable with waiting to see if I'm right about a person or wrong.

Basically what it all boils down to is that I'm not comfortable waiting for the unknown. I'm ok with not having control. Control is an illusion that I gave up a long time ago. But to wait for something and to not know what will happen... It's so hard. I know I will make the decision, buy the presents, name the things, eat the food, and like my presents, so it's not hard to say, "All in it's proper time." But when the question is wrapped up in "Have I ruined my teeth for all eternity?" "Was the operation successful?" "Will I ever get this thing that I want?" "Is this person really as great as they seem?"

Uncertainty is my adversary. It scares me and it makes my stomach all high and flippy-floppy. If only I could know what would happen... then I could be so patient and good. Just like the first-born that I am.

Hard Thanksgiving

Oh boy... Prayer requested

Been having a hard time saying "Happy Thanksgiving"...

I'm just gonna miss him so much tomorrow. I miss him so much, right now.

This was *our* holiday... we had cute stories about it, we had traditions... we had this whole Thanksgiving lore for our relationship.

Last year on the night before Thanksgiving I think I got 2 hours of sleep interspersed with a lot of attempting to find him a place he could sit for 30 minutes without being in agony... mostly unsuccessful.

Last year we knew exactly when and how many pain meds he was allowed to take and we were maxing him out.

Last year, before we went to lunch, we got into a fight because his jeans didn't fit and he was upset about it and I told him to wear PJ's cause no one would care and he yelled at me cause he was not going to look bad for pictures. (He was on steroids and he was so vain.)

Last year he tried every food at lunch and didn't just have a plate of the same color like every other year. Paula couldn't believe how much he ate.

Last year I remember falling asleep on the couch and being so grateful for family being around because they could take care of him if he needed something.

Last year was *so* hard... I didn't think it could get any harder... but last year he was here.

I miss his stupid vanity and I'd give up my extra sleep...

but I'm thankful he's not hurting like that anymore.

God is merciful... but I want to hold his hand, tonight.

Is this real life?

Ok, ok, so it wasn't that bad. Point of fact, I actually really like this dentist. So here are some fun facts I learned this morning:

1) Those teeth that I've been having so much trouble with? They are my wisdom teeth. All this time I thought my mouth was just too small because I couldn't brush behind my teeth... nope. Most people don't have enough room for their wisdom teeth to come in. I just don't have enough room to brush them well. Gigantic cranium for the win!

2) My wisdom teeth came in very straight

3) I have a really good bite.

4) My teeth are very straight

5) Because of 3 and 4, Dentists ask if I've had braces. This one asked me twice cause he just couldn't believe it. Then he said that not having braces, my teeth/bite were remarkable.

6) I don't have lower wisdom teeth

7) I have to have my upper wisdom teeth removed. It's just all gonna happen at once, December 2. Merry Christmas to me.

8) So, in conclusion, I apparently have awesome teeth genes to pass on. Thanks Mom and Dad!

This is what I'm going to be like December 2nd, I think.

Peppermints and Pipe Tobacco

Please just ignore any cheesy slow zooms on still pictures.

So I have a dental appointment at 8 in the morning... and I'm nervous about it... Embarrassingly nervous.

I didn't take very good care of my teeth during cancer.

And now the dentist and the dental hygienist are going to judge me.

I hate being judged. Especially when I know they are right.

Can't you just love me for who I am? Flawed teeth and all? Why do I have to be perfect, doctor dentist man?

*sigh*

I don't want to go. Someone should give me a cookie tomorrow... but that wouldn't be good for my teeth. Dang it!

It's just insult to injury that it's at 8 in the morning. I should go to bed, I suppose.

If I don't make it through this... if I melt into a pile of goo from embarrassment. Think of me.... think of me fondly.

Can I tell you something? I think you'll understand, when I say that something. I want to hold your hand.

I'm making a memory! Years from now, when you're quite grown up, you'll always remember me and how I always smelled of fall and spoke in song.

Don't pat me on the head

I collect the strangest of pictures and bits of information for writing my book. For instance, the other day in class I told them that I googled "blonde 9-year-old boy," and someone in class said that I was probably on a list somewhere, now.

It's true.

I've also searched for "history professor" "soccer mom" and "house floor plans"... - I had a partial house layout in my head and finding one that matched was easier than attempting to draw one... I'm not exactly an architect... Now I just need to flipping write instead of research. It helps me to have pictures of my characters, and it helps me to know these things, but it's so much incidental research... and I haven't even gotten into the fantasy world, yet. Oy vey.

Michael Buble's Christmas album is just sitting there, tempting me.

I'm pondering not putting up my tree this year... It's not even that Nathan helped me *that* much with it... he actually always kinda fought against helping because for some reason he thought he couldn't do a good job.... But that's the thing... I have really strong associations of decorating with him and I feel like putting up a Christmas tree is a family thing... and I'm missing my family this year.. I mean not all of my family.. but my own little personal family. The one who I'd made traditions with.

So maybe this is the year to break traditions... maybe this is the year to find out who I am when I'm single on the holidays... *sigh*

confession?

I don't want to learn who I am when I'm single on the holidays. But it looks like I don't have a choice, so I'd "better start getting excited."

It's really amazing how much I chafe at being patronized/ told what I think. That's something from my college days that I remembered tonight. Every once in a while in college someone would pat me on the head. And it would *tick* me off... I don't like to be patted on the head. I hate it, in fact. I want to be respected for who I am and I can't stand it when someone acts like they are older/wiser/better than me. I want people to think I'm adorable... but I don't want them to think I'm adorable because I don't know any better. My adorableness is a choice, darn it!

Yeah, I know, it's a fine line.

Also if someone tells me how I'm going to react to something I suddenly bristle. *Especially* if they don't recant when I object. There are about 2 people on this planet that can tell me that I shouldn't do something that I've decided to do. Rhonda and Kara.... and I still wouldn't like it... but I think I'd at least listen and go away and think about it... but if you aren't one of those people... well most likely I'm going to do what you said I shouldn't do and gosh darn it, even if you would have been right I'll make it so you were wrong.... and I'm smart enough to tell when someone is just using this irritation to manipulate me so then I'll just get really mad.

It's strange... I'm normally so easy going but there are these special circumstances with these rules that I couldn't even articulate but are very determined in my mind and if you cross one of these lines I get mad.

I'm such a girl, sometimes.

Echoes

Ok, so I saw Breaking Dawn Pt 1 today. And it was really great... and I'm really glad that Melissa and Lindsay went with me, cause I'm not sure when I ever would have seen it without them. It was a good movie, and I'm ready to see the second part, for sure.

but I realized something at the end of the movie... something that colored it all for me.

**Breaking Dawn Spoilers Below. Don't keep reading if you care!**

Having a vampire baby is a lot like have a bone marrow transplant.

I was watching Bella shrink... become so emancipated... watching the already-thin girl's cheeks hollow out... watching the dark circles show up, watching the bones protrude more and more and more... and then I heard someone go "uuuugh" in this disgusted voice... and I looked at the screen and realized that until that moment, watching that girl become a walking skeleton seemed.... while not healthy... not all that shocking or gross. Cause I've seen that happen to someone before. Someone I loved very much. I saw him at 98 pounds.

98 pounds.

And then I saw his stomach start to bulge from the steriods until it looked like he was pregnant. We called it the steriod baby. And suddenly I found myself totally identifying with Edward when I never have before.  Just wanting to get rid of the thing that's hurting my spouse. It never occured to me that they might use cancer patients as an inspiration for what someone would look like when being "eaten up from the inside out." But they sure got it right... and then she dies... and they lay her out all pretty...

It's supposed to be Thanksgiving.

This is supposed to be such a great holiday. One of my favorites.

It just really sucks that the days that used to be the best days now are the worst.

I'm really ready to be able to live life without seeing echoes of cancer everywhere I look.

Another round of awesome!

So today was kinda an awesome day.

Got to sleep in and woke up 2 minutes before my alarm was going to go off, so it actually *felt* like sleeping in.

Got laser-haired and my technician noticed that I've lost weight... and this is not a woman that I've seen that often!

Got Starbucks (always included in an awesome day)

Got texted/calls from 4 different people

Went and hung out with Kara and Bolt and Bolt was exceptionally unhappy... Until I got down with him and started making noises and hanging out and suddenly he was fine... for at least 30 minutes... Might have been longer.

Came home and declared myself the baby whisperer on fb and instead of that jinxing it, the following exchange happened:

Kara: He's crying again. You ARE the baby whisperer! And I miss you already!!!

Renee: ‎:( sorry. I'll try and send some of my powers your way via telepathy

Kara: He just stopped crying and fell asleep. Then I read this. Dang.

Renee: hahaha! I am AWESOME!

 Got to play the new expansion pack of Dominion... even won the first game... though the second game I came in at a resounding one point.... That's not good, in case you've never played Dominion.

Wore my hair really cute today and then had the foresight to take it out and wet it back down a bit so that tomorrow I will not be fighting the ugly curls all days as a result of cute hair today.

Beware the ugly curl!

Watched Glee... and I hate West Side Story slightly less, now.

See the thing is I go to a Small Group that meets on Tuesday nights at the exact time that Glee is on.... so I'm a week behind the rest of the world.

Alas.

I wish I could write my own life... I wish I had just a bit more control... I'd write a terribly boring story for myself. Boring, but happy. Terribly happy. Full of awesome days... kinda like this one only more awesome.

Barkeep! Another round of awesome for the house. On me!

Really Seriously

I was looking forward to sleeping in, but then I realized I have an appointment tomorrow. Granted this appointment is at 2, and it's not like I'm going to sleep until 2, but it still creates a slight schedule tomorrow. Oh well.

Writing group went really well. I'm not sure that I'm effusive enough in my praise as I'm reviewing their work. They are both really good, but when I get in go mode I just look for stuff that bothers me or I find incongruous, and if it works I just leave it alone. I should probably mention this to them at some point.

I say really way too often... one might even say "really often."

I watched "Something Borrowed" tonight. I have to say: I think Ginnifer Goodwin is one of the prettiest actresses. I don't get why she's always cast in the best friend role (even when she's the main character she's still the best friend to the "beautiful" girl.) What is up with that?

For serious, look at her.

I mean Kate Hudson is pretty and all... but not as pretty as this girl

When they make a movie of my life I want her to play me, as long as she's not too old by the time they get around to making that movie.

Granted she does spell her name kinda funky.

But you know, Elvis's name was Elvis.

Seriously.... think about Elvis just as a name, if you can.

Anyone notice how Kate Hudson plays the same character in every rom-com she's in??

She really does.

I really seriously need to stop saying really and seriously.

I need to focus and write this weekend. Focus and write. Stop messing around and write... and focus.

Seriously?

Really.

Goodnight, my someone

Well, I finished all three of the Twilight movies that are out, again... I'm not even sure why because I don't think I actually have anyone to go see the latest one with... for some reason guys don't want to see them and none of my girl friends much care. Reason 83034 to have a husband. You can bribe/cajole/coax him into seeing anything with you.... even the Twilight movies.

I've been sleeping a lot more lately... I think it's because winter is here and naps always sound so nice in the winter. Getting all cozy in your bed while it's gray and gloomy outside? What could be better?

OK so there are several things, but it's definitely up there in like the top 15 or so.

Sometimes, despite it all, I still wish I knew the future... maybe not the whole thing but... the good parts. or at least a general guarantee.. Like: You will marry again. You will be completely happy again. You will have children. Having that kind of a guarantee... would just be so relaxing. Calming. Reassuring.

I don't know why Bella gets to have 2 boys and I don't even get one...

Careful, Renée, keep going down that path and you turn into Leah.

Sorry I'm talking in Twilight-ese

The apartment next door is painted white. The new tenant is moving in, it's nothing like the place that Josh and Kara were for so long... and while I realize this is probably healthy... I really miss having my best friend right next door. There is a sense of security and companionship that came with it, and this person listens to oldies (like 40's oldies) and country...

It's just not right. I should be hearing Britney or Beiber or random movies.

OK need to post before I fall asleep staring at the computer.

G'night John-boy.

Nervous

I bought pink pens just because I like them better than red for marking on people's manuscripts... and cause they are breast cancer research pens... I figure if they end breast cancer they can get to work and put all those resources to some other form of cancer so it is all good.

Dang it, I really felt like I had something to say tonight and I got distracted by e-mails and writing group and now I don't know what it was...

I want some lasagna. Anyone else? I'll make it as long as you don't expect cottage cheese in your lasagna. Cottage Cheese lasagna grosses me out.

Pretty sure whatever it was, it was a little deeper than my desire for lasagna.

The Wednesday before T-giving is the last of the weekly game nights, unless one of my pals decides to start hosting... and we don't have that many people who have enough space to do so. Yes, I am sad about this, though I totally understand why Jonny and Katie need to stop having it... Baby is coming and all that.

Had a thought tonight that shocked the bejeepers out of me.

I've discussed the whole God thinks I'm beautiful thing... I got another of those "messages" tonight, though this one was less overt. (Aka someone didn't just walk up to me and say, "You are really pretty" or "God thinks you are beautiful") But after the warm fuzzies that inevitably accompany feeling like God wants to tell you you are beautiful, I had a realization.

I could make someone nervous.

OK, yeah maybe that sounds like a really obvious thing, but I've never thought it before. *I'm* the one who is nervous, normally. So the idea that someone else could be nervous because of me...  it's totally foreign to me. Nathan wasn't nervous with me... You know I don't know if Nathan was ever nervous, period, but he certainly wasn't with me. I was nervous with him. And I've just never thought of myself as very intimidating. I give bad first impressions, remember? And the idea that someone could find me even slightly intimidating... or want to make a good impression on me enough that they could get nervous.... it's like I've suddenly realized that maybe they *are* just as scared of me as I am of them!

If anyone ever tells me that I make them nervous I might give them a hug right then and there.

Maybe I'll be a famous author someday and then scads of people will be nervous to meet me... what a strange thought.

Faith

Jury Duty cancelled!

I'm really happy about this... I really didn't want to have to be on a jury and get something horrible like a death penalty trial... I've had enough to deal with this year.

So, growing up in the church, there aren't often Bible/church things that I've never really heard of. Yesterday I encountered one. The spiritual gift of faith. Not to be confused with faith in God that all Christians have to have, but something more than that... So I went looking for information and discovered that there isn't a ton of information out there about the gift of faith because it's really only overtly mentioned in 1st Corinthians. (Some argument could be made for the faith "hall of fame" in Hebrews, but they aren't referred to explicitly as having the gift of faith and I don't really want to overstep my bounds on this one.

7 Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. 8 To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, 9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, 10 to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues,[a] and to still another the interpretation of tongues.[b] 11 All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines. 1 Corinthians 12:7-11

 Most of the definitions that I came across described the gift of faith as believing God will come through even in "impossible" situations and continuing to believe even when confronted with obstacles or challenges... And that was something I identified with... So I went and found a Spiritual gifts survey. Cause that's how I roll... and low and behold which spiritual gift did I rank highest in? Faith. (Wisdom was next, 6 points lower. Then leadership, encouragement, and helps were 2 lower than that.) The test I took describes the gift of faith like this:

Faith - The special conviction God gives to some to be firmly persuaded of God's power and promises to accomplish His will and purpose and to display such a confidence in Him and His Word that circumstances and obstacles do not shake that conviction.

The divine enablement to act on God's promises with confidence and unwavering belief in God's ability to fulfill his purposes.

People with this gift:
- believe the promises of God and inspire others to do the same
- act in complete confidence of God's ability to overcome obstacles
- demonstrate an attitude of trust in God's will and his promises
- advance the cause of Christ because they go forward when others will not
- ask God for what is needed and trust him for his provision. 

 I have to admit I feel a bit silly for never really thinking about it as a gift before, but it really is. How else could I have gotten through all of this in as good of shape as I have? I have never in all of this doubted God's existence... I've never even doubted that He loved me. I never had that crisis of faith that people seem to have in college... I just believe. I believe even when I don't understand. I believe even when I think it might be easier to not believe. I don't know if it's a gift that is built into my being or if it's just for a time to get me through this, but I'm going to be happy about it, for as long as I have it. It's just one more way that God's holding me up as He leads me through this valley with the shadow of death.

and so I leave you with this gem

Cornea-Dripping-Sunday

Have you ever been looking down when you started to cry?

It's a really strange experience to have tears falling off your cornea and not off your eyelashes or from the corner of your eye.

Oh the baggage that I have to sort through when hearing about other people's medical issues... and it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with just working through my own pain again.

It's really hard to hear people pray for God's mercy. Not because I don't want God to grant those people mercy, but because God's mercy is what I was praying for during that last week in the hospital.  Did I want Nathan to be healed? So much. But what I wanted most was for him to be happy. For him to no longer be in constant pain. And so I prayed for God's mercy... no matter what that looked like... and I got the path that was harder. I wish He'd chosen to just heal Nathan. I wish that none of it had ever happened, because while I do think God was merciful to Nathan, to me... It's also still incredibly hard.

So often we think of mercy as a rescue. And honestly, in a way, Nathan was rescued. But what was a mercy for him is so much sorrow for us. I said that I would give up anything so that he wouldn't be hurting like that... I gave up him. I gave up my life with him... not that the choice was really mine to make, but that's been at the heart of my comfort through these months... If I'd had a choice to never see him again but know that he was cured, I would have said yes. That's not really so much different from what happened, only I *know* he isn't hurting any more without any shadow of a doubt and he won't ever hurt again. That is the eternal comfort of heaven. I don't have to worry about him anymore, I just have to deal with my own loss.. and my happiness in exchange for his happiness? ...well that's something I agreed to a long time ago.

And besides that, it isn't forever. I may be in captivity for 70 years but the Lord still has plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future.

Though I sorta hope that those 70 years are a metaphor and that the prospering future would start tomorrow. Or, barring that, Tuesday.

Prospering-Future-Tuesday has a nice ring to it. Heck of a lot better than Cornea-Dripping-Sunday.

The end of an era

Well, it's over. After sitting down and watching the entire Dawson's Creek Disc 4 in a single marathon session, it's all over.

Sad thing is that I actually finished the show I was watching on instant queue today, too. So not one, but two casts of characters have now left my life. And I'm not happy with the way things ended.

I read somewhere recently that people who watch TV are less lonely because the tv characters start to feel like real people that you know and spend time with. They start to feel like friends (albeit really bad friends who are so wrapped up in their own drama it's like you don't even exist to them)

Maybe that explains why as soon as I finished the last instant queue episode this afternoon I immediately called Kara to see what she was up to and why this evening after finishing Dawson's Creek I directly went to skype to talk to another friend without passing go or collecting 200 dollars.

I haven't seen anyone in two days... I'm going a little stir crazy but I put away and did a lot of laundry today.

I used up a lot of Kleenex in that last episode... Can I still say that I'm not normally emotional even when it feels like I cry all the time in comparison to what I used to? I swear people who meet me now probably think I'm like this hyper-emotional yet totally unaware of how emotional she is fruit basket...

But I swear, my emotions are actually starting to level out... series finales not withstanding :)

I talk about food a lot, don't I?

I got my hair done today. I like going to the salon. It feels nice.

I also like picking up my dress for Melissa's (and Bill's) wedding. I have to lose enough weight by March to have it altered... ok so I'll just be excited if I lose enough weight by March to have it altered- there is no "have to."

I bought an individual serving of eggnog when I was at the grocery store tonight... and "cinnamon sugar cookie" coffee creamer... I might have to go make myself some coffee tonight just to experience that creamer. This is not an effective weight-loss plan. Nor are the Pumpkin Walnut muffins I also bought... but I repeat. Pumpkin Walnut Muffins.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

I'm wearing my fingerless gloves to type because my hands are cold. We are officially in the cold part of fall, kids.

On Sunday after 5 PM I have to call and see if I have to go in for a trial jury. :s I really hope not.

What is it about responses that are so paralyzing? Is it just me? Even when I have great critiques I find it really hard to work on my stuff for a few days afterwards...

I'm starting to get a little paranoid about my class. Everyone seems to love everything I do. It all seems a little too easy.  Or maybe they just all got the memo that my weakness is self-doubt so they are trying to bolster me up. How did they get the memo? Do you think there are secret e-mails going out behind my back?

.... on second thought maybe paranoia is my weakness.

I just realized that coffee would make my hands warmer... I shall return!

Coffee's not done yet, but I tasted a little bit of the creamer that splashed on my hands when I was opening it... that's gonna be happy.

I haven't seen anyone I know today. I saw my hairstylist a lot... I saw the lady at David's Bridal. I saw the cashier at the grocery store... but that's pretty well it. Makes me a bit melancholy.

Nothing a gallon sized mug of coffee can't cure, though, right?

By the way:

Happy Veterans Day. Thank you to all the brave men and women who have served this country, and God bless you.

I love pretty things and clever words.

So I don't seem to have much to say tonight, so I am going to share with you some quotes and sayings that I really like. Your normal blog will be back tomorrow, but for tonight I hope these quotes stir up something inside you... even if it's just a "yes."

“I do believe in an everyday sort of magic -- the inexplicable connectedness we sometimes experience with places, people, works of art and the like; the eerie appropriateness of moments of syncronicity; the whispered voice, the hidden presence, when we think we're alone.”
― Charles de Lint

"Love is friendship set on fire."
― Jeremy Taylor

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer."
― Albert Camus

“He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
― Emily Brontë

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
― Dr. Seuss

Thanks, Pinterest!
 ― Me

in brief

It's really difficult to reformat something that you've written in a way that makes sense to you into a way that makes sense to the rest of the world.

I battled with my storyboard for class pretty well all night and I still don't know if the end result is what it was supposed to be.

I'm the first person to post so I think everyone else is struggling with it, too.

I'm re-reading my blog-- I'm on June 22nd. I have a lot to say!

OK I know it's only 1AM but I'm really tired, and there is a lot that needs to be accomplished tomorrow, So I think I will bid you goodnight.

I want to read a book... but I don't have much time, because I'm trying to write one...

Quite the conundrum pie I've got here.

mmmmmm pie.

Buttercup, baby.

Sooo... my mom is having some medical concerns that I just realized I've not gotten clearance to make known to the entirety of the internet... so I won't tell you what's going on, but I will ask you to pray... I don't deal so well with family medical issues --even the relatively minor ones.

**edit** She told Facebook so I feel that it's ok to tell you: She has a really low iron count and they don't know why. She doesn't have an ulcer and they aren't sure what else could be the reason, but she had to go in today for a blood transfusion. While she is there they will do some more blood work to see if they can figure it out, and she has a colonoscopy scheduled for 2 weeks from now to see if that will reveal anything.

She blames the air in northern MO... or the Taliban.

I come by my sense of humor honestly.

**new edit. Her iron is up now and she doesn't need the transfusion... But they don't know why it's fluctuating so much either... I guess that's the new thing they will be looking into.

I got my critiques back from my One Act... some things suggested I absolutely disagreed with... most people were very complimentary and my teacher actually wrote- "So often writers become so dark with the subject (death), but your soul has this wonderful light in it. I think your perspective needs to be out there in this sad world."

Yeah. 

Apparently the good Lord is trying to give me a lift because that was the second round of seriously flattering compliments in a 24 hour period. 

Is it bad that I'm slightly suspicious that a piano is about to be dropped on my head in order to deflate my ego?

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby, just to let me down?

Yes, I did just call my Heavenly Father "Buttercup, baby." Hopefully He's chuckling fondly at me and my crazy antics, not preparing the smite.

In This Room

Please ignore the Nancy/Ronald Reagan montage... unless you really like the Reagans, and then by all means, enjoy.

It's about the song for me.

I'm actually happy for the most part. Not that a person ever really gets over the loss of a loved one, but the sorrow doesn't bring me to my knees nearly as often... but this song... it is still unbelieveably *true.*

I just wish I could tell him when I get paid compliments. I wish I could share all the things that are happening to me and I could see his face. Healing is so hard.

Lyrics to the above video, in case you can't watch/hear it.

In this room
lives the sweet ghost
of a love gone away
it comes to me
whispering the things you used to say
between hills and valleys
the softness where we lay
in this room
it's lonely now

In this room
I can barely breathe
this air that speaks your name
it flows through me
from each corner
from the window frame
where we'd watch together
for the sun to rise agin
in this room
I miss you

In this room
there's a place on the wall
a picture of you and me
In this room
I can still recall
the dreams you shared with me
and it felt like a castle
now it feels more like a tomb
in this room
I remember

They say true love never dies
but sometimes lovers do
and few ever realize
the kind of love we knew

In this room
there were flowers
sent to ease the pain
and I prayed for hours
trying to understand
how one life passing
could mean this love was through
in this room
I can feel you
I will see you again
in this room

Smelling of onions is not attractive

Been a good day. 

Did announcements in church and didn't seem to flub anything up too badly.

Got lunch (Thai) with friends.

Chose to get my leftovers put in a bag and thus *did not!* have Thai spilled all over my car when the box leaked.

Helped Kara move for the briefest of moments.

Had my first writer's group meeting, which I think went really well, despite the fact that there is no way for me to talk about my last few years and not 1)surprise the bejeepers out of people and 2) fear that I've just freaked them out completely.

Got coffee with friends and caught up on life a bit.

Had dinner and watched a movie with Bill and Melissa... or as I like to call them, Billissa.

Came home and pondered the meaning of life.

Ok so I didn't really ponder the meaning of life... more like I pondered the fact that my nails smell like onion from helping prepare dinner this evening, and how that's really not attractive.

Seriously, you just don't ever hear, "What? Your hands smell like onion? That's so hot!"

It's kinda sad. I parked my car tonight and Josh and Kara's cars weren't in the parking lot. Cause they don't live right next door to me, anymore. I guess I didn't realize how much of a security blanket that was to me, having my best friend right next door. I mean, ok, yes, she's still less than a block away but...it's not the same.

Slowly and surely everything is changing from the way it used to be. And that's good and healthy.

...but also lonely, despite my general plethora of friends and people who love me.

Am I the only person who can no longer hear the song "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne without seeing the dog worrying about his bone from that insurance commercial?

Magic Hour

I write this in that magical hour. The magical hour between 1AM and 2AM on daylight savings time evening. This hour is going to repeat itself. Did you know? At 2 AM it will be 1AM again. So what am I doing with my magical witching hour? Blogging and watching Dawson's Creek. Yeah. I'm partying like it's 1999 up in here. Literally.

You know why all the boys love Joey Potter? It's because when she grins she pulls down the outside corners of her mouth, so it looks like she's never grinned so hard in her life. And they made her grin like that.

My heart is in my hands
My head is in the clouds
My feet have left the ground
My life is turning around and round.
Every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad
Oh bows and arrows
Stars and sunsets
Every heartbeat every kiss just
Makes me wonder what all this is
Suits of armor
Hearts and arrows

That's what they replaced Paula Cole's "I don't wanna wait" song with. Did they do that for the seasons when they were actually airing (starting season 3) or did they just do that for the DVD release? I cannot say, for I do not know.

I think I do announcements tomorrow at church, but I don't remember.

Let's just say I do, because the leader of announcements is in Memphis, TN -not the beautiful Memphis MO, home to one, Renée Dunn.

Can I even write a novel? I mean, novels are long... the longest thing I've ever written was like 20 pages... and yeah my story idea is a bit complex, but... a novel?

Maybe this hour isn't quite so magical as I thought... maybe I should just go get some sleep and feel more chipper in the morning.

Every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad...

But I got nowhere else to go

(that last one was a movie quote... didja catch it?)

Less blogging?

I'm thinking about blogging less. I'm not going to stop by any means, but I was thinking today about how I'm kinda trying to start this book thing... and how much I write in a normal day anyway just for my blog and how wouldn't it be a good idea to channel my blogging discipline into some book writing discipline... I haven't actually made any decisions about anything and I know some people would be sad... but...it's a thought I had and I pretty well share every thought that pops into my head on here, don't I?

Ok, no I don't.

But I share a lot of them!!

I've recently discovered an enjoyment of banana peppers on sandwiches.

I was also recently told that every 4-5 years you get new tastebuds that like different things...

This might be why I suddenly started liking mustard  in college and more recently, mayo and disliking Miracle Whip for everything but tuna salad.

It might also explain my sudden love of lemon bars.

It won't explain my impulse purchasing of 8 small jars of fruit butter, but some mysteries are better left unanswered and just enjoyed... on biscuits.

Guess what came in the post today!

Guess who likes the phrase "in the post," today!

Maybe I won't stop blogging. I don't know how I could give up my outlet for the discussion of tastebud regeneration and fun phrase usage.

A list of thoughts that does not number 13

1) I'm thrilled because my teefury t-shirt came in the mail today and it looks great! ...I want to wear it tomorrow but I'm a bit afraid to, because what if I don't leave my house all day and no one sees it!?!

2) I'm thinking I might make a roast tomorrow... It's not like I'm gonna be doing anything but writing all day long and I got a lot of roast in my freezer... Wanna come over for meat and carbs???

3) I posed this philosophical question to a friend today but I think I should query the larger world, too...
The Starbucks guy: Which came first- my coffee or his cuteness?

4) I listened to my new Michael Bublé Christmas Album just to hear it. Now I will refrain until after Thanksgiving but I had to give in just once. Least annoying version of "Feliz Navidad" I've ever heard.

5) Did I tell you I ordered a whole bunch of fruit butters? Well I did. I plan on having a "Better Buttered Biscuits" party with my friends. Here are the flavors I ordered: Plum, Plum no sugar (sweetened w/ white grape juice), Pumpkin, Pumpkin no sugar (sweetened w/ white grape juice), Sweet Tomato, Peach, Strawberry, and Apple.

6) I'm quirky.

7) We went over my play in class today.... and it was weird. Someone wanted to keep reading and the teacher offered to let us....but I really wanted the discussion... but then the discussion was a bit of a dud. People didn't really say much about it. I mean it was generally positive, but they didn't really say a lot... I wonder if it was because it was so heavy they didn't know what to say. It's hard to critique a piece on grief and not feel like a jerk. I kinda wish I could ask questions about my work and people's reactions and have them answered... maybe that's what the writing group is for?

7.5) I'm really excited to have a writing group. Makes me feel legit.

8) Also it's weird to hear someone else read your work out loud, cause they never seem to understand the emphasis as you intended it.

9) Cleaning my desk/office didn't take very long at all. I was expecting it to be this big deal and it was a bit of a dud.

10) They have the red cups at Starbucks again.

11) My cup says, "When we're together I know I'll never fall." Starbucks might just be a hopeless romantic. No wonder I love it.

12) I nearly forgot I had jury duty. I want to call and have my group canceled. That would be great.

Procrastiblogging

The good news is I've found a writing group of people who are super talented and really smart. I think they will be able to give me solid critiques and feedback and point me in the right direction when I get lost or stuck and I respect them.

The bad news is: they are both a lot farther ahead of me in terms of actually getting a book on paper... or screen as the case may be.

Guess I know what I'll be doing this weekend.

But first... I have to clean up this office... and I think I need Starbucks.Venti.

Hi, My name is Renée and I make procrastination an art form... even when I *like* what I'm doing.

Autumn and death

So Autumn is here... It's cold and blustery out tonight... and my thoughts are not taking me to a happy place.

Tuesday I was walking to class and went around the side of a building (not on campus) and there laying in the grass was a cat... which I assume was dead, as it didn't move. I don't technically know because as soon as I saw it and my brain processed it I threw my hand up to keep from seeing it. It really disturbed me.

The other night I went to a costume party and someone was zombie Steve Jobs... dressed up exactly like Steve but with zombie makeup, too. I just cringed... too soon.

There is a play written by a person in my class where someone is joking around about tumors and people having brain tumors. And it's just not funny. Maybe to the entire rest of the world, but... not to me.

I mean I know that we joke about death and heck, I'm the queen of the widow-joke and dark humor... and I know we make light of it because it's scary.. because we are scared of it. But everytime I hear about someone being sick my mind automatically goes to the worst place... especially the sick that doesn't go away within 24 hours. Internally I start freaking out. Cause I can't un-know. I still don't understand what makes your body suddenly start to get sick. One moment you are fine and the next you are deathly ill. How does that happen? A broken arm I get. The flu I understand... something that is germ or pathogen related, yes. But a normal- very healthy body that just up and decides to stop functioning? And there is nothing you can do to prevent it and nothing you can do to stop it. You want to talk about a real horror film? Go to the oncology floor. Because if you are there... if you really *get* exactly how close any of us is at any moment from our bodies suddenly and inexplicably turning against us... that's real fear.

I hate death. I hated that Steve Jobs costume... I hated it. Because Nathan is dead, too and it isn't funny.  Steve Jobs had cancer. Nathan had cancer. Steve had a wife and a family, and someone who is missing him dreadfully right now. So did Nathan... so does Nathan. And less than a month later...

It's so easy to be callous.

I know the guy who was dressed up like Steve. He's a great guy, actually. And probably in a couple of years I won't be so sensitive and I will be able to appreciate the humor... but I don't think it's funny, yet. It just hurts and I want to gasp, throw up my hands, cover my eyes, and walk as fast as I can through the wet leaves.

Art and Unhappiness

Is unhappiness required to create good art?

Something I began to wonder about today. Something about sadness.. about hardship... about suffering makes a person need to express themselves. Something about all that makes you motivated to get it out. For me, to write. For someone else, to paint. For someone else, to dance. But you can write or paint or dance when you are happy. Is there something to the poignancy of the heart that you put into a work when everything else in your life seems to be unhappy? Is it easier for others to connect with pain than with happiness?

The boy who you like doesn't talk to you as much that day. You sit down and write a 20 page treatise on the pain of the human experience.

You hate your job. You sit down and write a 10 page imagining of what would happen if you quit tomorrow.

You are lonely. You sit down and write friends.

Maybe it's not even unhappiness that's required, so much as a restlessness of the soul. When I was content I had no motivation. All I really wanted was to be. Now I hunger for something more... and maybe that's what is needed to achieve.

overall I'd rather be blissfully happy though.

Who is this girl? This girl who writes on this blog? I don't know her. She reminds me of someone I knew once but something happened to her... and this girl took her place... and I don't know where she came from, but she likes things that I never expected and she says things that seem to come out of nowhere.

It's all saints day... I'm not catholic, but I am remembering... It's a lot easier when I pretend the other me didn't exist. When I pretend my life went straight from mid-college to now.

Just to lay my head on his chest and for him to stroke my hair.

Every minor frustration leads me back here... I know how to be happy without Nathan... I don't know how to be sad or frustrated or nervous or scared.

It's not so lofty of a dream, which I think is what makes it hurt so much.

Please, God, turn the page? Let's finish this chapter and start a new one? Please.

Enough

Well that was appropriate. Just watched an episode of Dawson's Creek. The Halloween episode. How delightful. I mean, it was bound to happen that one time in the 6 seasons of Halloween episodes that one would fall around Halloween time. But still, it was fun. Kinda nice that it was the last season.

I've had a really productive day. I got a lot done at work, I got my homework done, I went and hung out at Katie's for like 3 hours, I spoke to another friend for a couple of hours.

Didn't get my dishes done... maybe tomorrow??

Yesterday I prayed that God would provide me with companionship... cause until I find the right guy, I still need companions to come alongside me. I'm still an extrovert, you see. And today, when I was perfectly fine with just staying at home and bumming around- suddenly I had companions.

God is tricksy like that... :)

It's still so incredibly amazing to me how He will give me what I need for that moment... and sometimes, what I want, too.

This whole "turn in an assignment on Friday and wait till Tuesday to get people's reaction" is for the birds, by the way. I literally was getting butterflies in my stomach earlier. I've calmed down since then.

It's really nice when people believe in you... and not because they have to or because they always see the best in things... but because they just think that's the way that it is.

tonight I was told that I have "the ability to see good in people's lives... or.. see how they could be good or something."

I take it as a fabulous compliment... and probably one that I don't deserve as much as I would like to.

"We think you got a lot of potential, Kit De Luca."

(Name the movie?)

You know, my life is not everything that I want... but it's enough.