Deer did WHAT?!

Good weekend.

I co-threw a shower for Melissa, which I think was a great success.

I played games two nights.

I got to hang out with friends and just talk, which was nice.

I don't have any more "shower treats" leftovers because of playing games with people. (You might laugh, but it's annoying to have excess food!)

I've watched a shameful amount of Eureka episodes on Netflix (the next season became available!)

I got a tattoo- you may have heard. ;)

I got stuff out of my garage. (Technically that was Thursday, but the days sort blend together sometimes.)

And oh my gosh none of that matters at all, cause read what happened in my home town, yesterday!

(article copied from KY3 website, here)

MEMPHIS, MO. -- Business owners in downtown Memphis are cleaning up the damage after two deer break into their businesses around 7:30 a.m. Saturday.

Sgt. Zac Campbell with the Memphis Police Department said the deer jumped through the plate glass windows of at least four businesses on the 100 block of E. Monroe Street, on the town square.

Campbell said when they arrived on scene, they found a deer inside one of the businesses. He said they tried to get it out the back door, but the deer had other plans. He said it jumped out the front window and scurried down the street, probably looking for the other deer that helped it do the rest of the damage.

Sgt. Campbell said the incident is pretty unusual and was quite the scene. He said he thinks the deer were panicked and just randomly started jumping through the windows of the businesses, one after the other.

The businesses that were damaged include Memphis Mercantile, American Family Insurance, Coffrins Shoe Store, and Ketchum Heating and Cooling. Campbell said the business owners showed up later in the morning to board up the windows. 

Deer are *insane!*

Because I knew him...

I have realized in the past few days that I can think of Nathan and smile...

I'm not sure that it has anything to do with the tattoo, but that's when I started noticing it- last night. I can talk about him and reminisce about him without the dark humor defense. Don't get me wrong, I still make the dark jokes from time to time but... there is a lot less sting in them than there used to be.

Last night I was talking about him and laughing about how funny he was. He always said that he thought he was funny because I did, but it's not true. He was hilarious. And Kara and I were talking about how funny he was and it just felt good. It didn't feel like I was touching a tender spot. I could say, "I miss that kid," and not want to cry. Kara and I like to talk about college a lot. We love reminiscing about the "glory days." And that's what talking about Nathan is starting to feel like. This amazing wonderful time in my past, that isn't here anymore, but I can look back and just *love* without being incapacitated by wanting it to still be that way.

Today I was talking about him with some friends... reminiscing about when we first got together, and how the general population of Scholars House felt about it. And how much of a flirt he was... even after we were married. (Not in a malicious or unfaithful way, but in the way that made people feel good about themselves.... though I will admit we had to have some conversations about a few girls because they might have been taking it in a way he didn't mean.) And just how dang cute he was. He was sooo freaking attractive. I know that people are generally drawn to people who are the same (or greater) level of attractive as yourself. I hope it's true, because that puts me in a much higher attractive tier than I'd place myself in.

But anyway... I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I've reached a new level in the healing process. Not that I will ever ever ever forget... but... the wounds aren't in that red inflamed stage anymore... maybe that's another reason why I wanted the tattoo... it's a physical representation of grief. At least for me. Something that I never thought I could do, but somehow did anyway.  They are both painful, require a healing process, and will always be a part of me and who I become. And some people are appalled/scared by it, but I think it's a part of what makes me beautiful.

Nathan made me feel more beautiful than I ever thought I was, but I think that living through his death has actually made me more beautiful than I ever was.***

It's certainly changed my life.

When we were picking out songs for the funeral Paula asked me what I thought about putting in "For Good" from Wicked. I discovered Wicked in college and fell in love with the soundtrack. *in looooove.* Nathan I went to see it on our honeymoon and again (with Paula) when it came to St. Louis one winter. My first response to her was that I didn't think that I could do it... That it would be too hard to handle... but as I tried to come up with music that fit him and how I/we/everyone felt about him... it was just right. I did find a different version than the soundtrack, just so I'd be able to still watch the show and hear the music without falling to pieces. But we played it at the funeral, and I remember sitting in the pew, tears running down my face "singing" it to him (not actually using my voice) and not caring that I must have looked completely nuts. But I had to tell him, because it is *so* true. Because I knew him I have been changed for good.

 I don't think it's any surprise to people that I find a lot of healing in songs. I sorta talk about it all the time. The lyrics of one struck me tonight (the whole song isn't applicable, but this part is.)

I found piece of mind, I'm feeling good again
I'm on the other side, back among the living
Ain't a cloud in the sky, All my tears have been cried
And I can finally say,[...parts that aren't applicable because it's about a break up...]
I know everything's gonna be okay

***please note that I'm well aware that I'm still far far far from anything approaching perfect.

Dunn Done

It's done.

I kinda can't believe I went through it... I likened it to having a child earlier (only way way way easier.) But just in the respect that you spend all this time planning and thinking about it and it's kinda painful, but when the time comes you just get through it, cause once you commit there ain't no going back.

 I call this one- "Perspective:
and also let me model my iphone...
Also my tag is sticking out.

And then you keep being surprised at how surprising it is.

I literally keep saying to myself, "I have a tattoo!"

I went to a small group tonight with the sole purpose of showing it off. Everyone was kind enough to indulge me in "oooh-ing and ahhh-ing"

This one wasn't taken in the mirror so it is *actually*
how it looks- Right shoulder, facing in.

I love it. I hope you do, too, but even if you don't,

I love it.

Kit-Kats and Tattoos

All of the blogs that I read had pretty serious updates yesterday about the state of their lives. (The people's lives, not the blogs' lives. Blogs don't write themselves.)

I had a poem about a Kit-Kat.

I started this blog a few years ago without any sort of dedication and I wrote about songs and lemon bars and gummi bears. Oh and my ginormous head.

I've just realized that I *should* have been writing songs about lemon bars, gummi bears, and my ginormous head. That's a country music classic in the making... or maybe a dance club mix.

Then Nathan died and every post was so hard and heavy but super meaningful and important.

And now I'm trending more towards what it was when I began, and sometimes I feel like I should really talk about things that are more important, but it's really hard to write brilliant posts every day. Sometimes you have a day where nothing brilliant happens, and you just don't feel clever enough to make something up.

We are in the last 12 hours of me being tattoo free. It's happening Friday at 1. And then the era of mothers loving me inexplicably will end. Cause the reason why moms love me is my tattoo-free countenance, not my sweet personality and general similarity to themselves. One cannot be wholesome if they have a tattoo. It's a proven fact.

I jest. I'm hoping that moms still love me post-tattoo. (Especially my own.) It's not like I'm doing it on a lark or anything. I've thought and thought and thought about it. I've probably thought about it so much that I've over-thought about it and have made it all the way around to just thinking about it, again. And it's really meaningful to me... and it always will be.

And yes I realize this is like the third post I've made... or possibly the thirtieth post I've made, justifying it. But remember how I even want the Taliban to like me? Still true.

Crap. There is probably something in the Koran or the Taliban code that is against tattoos or women with tattoos, isn't there? You like how I just made up a rulebook for the Taliban?

 It suddenly occurred to me that it's possible that I'm being super racist right now, and I don't even know it. I'm going to stop talking about this now.

I guess the thing is some people, when they know that someone isn't going to agree with them, get super defensive and belligerent. Suddenly if you disagree with their opinion then you are *wrong* and you suck and they are gonna LET YOU KNOW!

I go the other way. If I make a decision and I know that you aren't going to agree with me I bring my own judgement into question. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should rethink this thing... maybe I suck! (ok honestly, I have enough self-worth to not think I suck. But it's more likely that than that you suck. That's not true at all.)

And I guess, to bring this blog back around full circle, that's why I thought that I should write something personal and deep about my life... because everyone else did, so that must be what I should do.

Or maybe I'll keep writing poems about Kit-Kats. (God bless William Carlos Williams and his easily manipulated poetry!)

The Red Kit-Kat Bar

so much depends
upon

a red Kit-Kat
bar

coated in a glossy
wrapper

beside the white
toaster.

In the spirit of William Carlos Williams

This Is Just To Say To Kara

I have eaten
the Kit-Kat
that you left in
the basket

and which
you were probably
saving
for another visit

Forgive me
it was delicious
so sweet
and so crunchy

Renée Dunn- Prospective Candidate for a MA in Writing at Missouri State University, and blatant poem ripper-offer.

Productivity Scam

Well, I got five pages written today, as well as nailing down my application for the English Dept. (They require a bit more than the general Master's Application.) So, that's something.

Feeling productive is such a scam. It's a hard to feel like I'm productive, even when I really am, because I don't have that set schedule. I actually do rather well with someone else giving me deadlines.

I love procrastination. It makes me feel like I'm taking chances that I'm not really. It gives my life a sense of urgency and immediacy that isn't technically true. The problem is that you can't procrastinate if no one else is counting on you/ expecting you to do something.

You know, I miss being a part of a team. Not in the sports sense of the word, but just a group of people working towards something. It's one of the reasons why I loved theatre so much. Everyone working together for a common goal. Heck, I think that might be why I like working on the video game stuff so much, too. I'm using my small skills for a larger goal.

Now that my One-Act is going to be published, I'm really hoping that someone will want to use it... It's shorter than the typical 30 min that a One-Act for MSHSAA competition is supposed to be. But it could be a DI, or used as part of a One-Act showcase. I would just really love to see it performed... to be a (small) part of a theatre crew again, and see how someone else interprets it and brings my words to life. That's living the dream.

Eventually I'm gonna get that second bookshelf built in my upstairs closet and I'll hang art on the staircase wall and I'll figure out where in the heck my little bird hooks went to. I'll take the rest of my shoes that I don't wear out of the box and I'll hang up my mirror so that it doesn't need the shoes' box to hold it up. Maybe then I'll feel like I've made some progress, though it's hard to tell. It's such an easy trap to fall into. If I actually got all of these things done, *then* I will have made progress. *Then* I'll know my life is moving forward. *Then* I'll know that I'm getting it all together.

I don't have to have it all together, right? I keep thinking I do, but it's not true. I keep thinking I have to be perfect to be attractive. I keep trying to be the very very best person in all the land in hopes that someone will notice and love me for it. But I think that's probably a bad motivation. Probably I should try to be the very very best person I can be because that's what everyone one should do, not in hopes that someday some unknown will notice and propose to me right on the spot. I mean, if I don't know him I'd have to turn him down anyway, right?

Well, maybe not if it was Darren Criss.

Do you know what Darren Criss pointed to as the highlight of the past year of his career? Singing a duet with Kermit.

I think we are soulmates... or at the very least, kindred spirits.

My British GPS is muttering under his breath about how often I "blather on about that bloomin' fellow, when you've never even met the bloke."

Little does he know that my novel is going to be one of those break-out fads and they are going to make a movie of it and Darren Criss will be cast in it and then I will visit the set one day and be oh so chic and artist-y and he's gonna be completely flummoxed, and that's when he'll propose.

That will be a productive day.

British GPS says I'm "out of your bloomin' mind, you are!"

I beg to differ.

Anyway what does he know? You can't map the mysterious ways of the heart.

Cinnamon Pie

I watched an episode of Psych, and they went to a cinnamon festival and were eating "Cinnamon Pie."
Then I googled Cinnamon Pie...cause I mean- Duh. Cinnamon Pie?!?

I've got a recipe now... I plan on making it sometime soon.... cause I mean- Duh. Cinnamon Pie!?!

I think it's essentially a custard pie with cinnamon... and I'm starting to think there is no way it will be able to live up to the glory that it is in my head...

but Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Cinnamon Pie sounds like something from a dream.

or Heaven.

or both.

The problem with not having to get up at 9 every day is I convert to my most natural  sleep cycle... Up till 3, asleep till 11.

Why doesn't the world run on my time clock??

I supposed I can't be too mad at a world who invented Cinnamon Pie.

Yeah, there is no way it's gonna be able to live up to this.

... unless it does!

Squirrel

Today Tim was talking about how God should be your best friend... and about how spending time with Him should ideally fly by in the same way that it does with your human best friend...

So Kara and I put that into practice tonight and it was accidentally 2AM when she left... She came over at...umm... 6:30?

A friend told us, "You two need to stop staying up late and acting like you're drunk when I know you're totally not."

It's true. Not drunk. Just high on life.

But every moment I think, "I have to make this last, I have to enjoy this. Who knows when it will happen again?"

Soon she will be far away from me and unable to sit at my computer and "hack" into my e-mail account and impersonate me. (Does it count as "hacking" if I just left my e-mail open and she didn't even have to try to get into it?)

Soon I will long for the days when I could bake her a cake because she asked me to. (Oh you laugh but I totally did it the other day. One of the ways I know that people love me is if they let me do things for them/take care of them. Strange but true fact about Renée)

I have to be drunk now. That's part of living without regrets- Embracing the moment. Go with what you feel.

What do I feel?

I feel cold

Man, I'm so cold!

It was cold today.

I'm going to bed.

I may have taken this whole "embracing the moment" thing a bit far... I'm beginning to sound like a squirrel with ADD.

and a boring ADD squirrel to boot!

50 Things Every Woman Should Be Able To Do

Alright, I said I'd do it, even though there were some people who didn't like the man's list, I still made a woman's list

Though, I admit, I did take some liberties in the interpretation of the word "able." Sometimes it means "capable" and sometimes it means "allowed." You are just going to have to deal with that little idiosyncrasy... or not read it... I suppose that is always an option.

1. Own your own hammer and screwdriver- and know how to use them

2. Iron

3. Have the wedding that you want

4. Compliment a man on his ability to provide/survive/drive

5. Create your child's Halloween costumes

6. Change a flat

7. Call your father "daddy"

8. Make a dish that people ask the recipe for

9. Sew a button back on a shirt

10. Pretend like those heels aren't giving you a huge blister.

11. Braid and french braid

12. Call a mechanic/plumber/electrician

13. Know the general rules for each major sport- even if you don't like sports

14. Make a pity laugh that doesn't sound like a pity laugh

15. Cook ground beef well enough so that no one gets salmonella

16. Hang out with your girlfriends until really late at night without ever doing the thing you got together for.

17. Mini-golf like a pro

18. Make yourself look amazing for a party/gala/black tie event

19. Scream like a little girl when viciously attacked by(aka- "you see") a mouse, snake, and/or spider

20. Support your spouse's dreams

21. Believe in your own dreams.

22. Laugh until you cry

23. Marry someone who makes you laugh until you cry

24. Be a mom, if you want to... or a cool aunt if you don't... or a crazy cat lady... or stay far far away from children of any type if that's what floats your boat.

25. Eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting.

26. Own exercise videos that you never use.

27. Hook up a computer

28. Follow simple instructions

29. Enjoy at least one reality TV show you know you shouldn't

30. Be able to sing all the words to one (or more) of the following:  "It's Raining Men," "True Colors," "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" (yep, two Cyndi Lauper songs), "I Will Survive," "Love is a Battlefield," "Single Ladies," or "Somebody to Love"

31. Have an entire conversation with your spouse or best friend without words. (alternatively, have an entire conversation with only the words, "You know?!" "I know!" and "Right!?")

32. Bat your eyelashes coquettishly

33. Be angry without blaming it on hormones somehow

34. Be angry without someone else blaming it on hormones somehow

35. Self defense

36. Recognize when it's not about you... and when it is.

37. Tie a man's tie for them.Yes, they can probably do it themselves but there is just something about a girl doing it.

38. Refer to yourself as a girl no matter how old you are.

39. Give the "mom-look" (even if not a mom.)

40. Love someone with everything you've got.

41. Have a "secret admirer" (*not* a stalker.)

42. Cry when you need to

43. Take criticism with grace

44. Host a party

45. Be a homemaker or a career woman without having to justify your choices

46. Have someone who will remind you that you are beautiful on days when you forget

47. Make a friendship bracelet

48. Be able to recognize sarcasm/teasing so as to not get your feelings hurt by it

49. Listen

50. Make a list like this that is probably somehow deeply offensive to someone and be forgiven, because I didn't mean to offend you.

Laughter

I really like to laugh...

Honestly, it's not hard to make me laugh... I think a lot of things are funny.

I like to giggle.. and it's not just a flirting technique. Kara makes me giggle on a regular basis. She called me up today and had me giggling in the middle of Mudhouse.

I like to chortle, I like to guffaw, I like to titter, I like to chuckle. I like snickering and sniggering, cracking up, and being in stitches.

Have you ever noticed how many ways there are to say laugh?

I like being silly and goofy and slightly ribald.

I like the freedom that comes when you just let yourself get swept away in amusement... and things that wouldn't normally be funny are suddenly hilarious.

And it's all the more magical, because you never know when it's going to happen or who it will happen with. I love that and I hate it... because it means that it can sneak up upon you all unawares.

but it also means that you can try and try and try for it and get nothing but a dry humorless awkward pause.

I guess laughter and love are actually rather similar... I'd never thought of it like that before.

But wow.. that analogy really works.

Way to go, sub-conscious brain!

Today

Well, today is the day.

What day?

THE day!

What day?

The day I plan for other days.

What other days?

The ones that aren't today.

And you do this today-which is the day for other days?

Exactly.

What will you do on these other days?

Hard to say.

But you plan today.

Yep.



Did you like my poem/ "Who's on First" routine? Today I: turned in the general Grad School application, went and got an appointment to get a tattoo, and saw many friends, worked on videogame stuff, and planned tomorrow.

It's interesting that I feel more busy not working than I did working. What's that about? Ok. Off to bed with me, because today is already tomorrow. And I gots stuff ta do tomorrow! Catch ya on the flip!

It's 4:22AM...

I've been reading a book since 9. Though it should probably be noted that there are 849 pages and I started on page 145 tonight.

A bit self-indulgent, I know but, I'm treating this week as a vacation, at least in part.

(Side note: I'm pretty sure it would be tremendously amusing  for someone to watch me reading a book... I am a woman of a thousand different reading positions which I move in and out of without conscious notice.)

I will try and get up tomorrow before noon.... actually I'm shooting for around 10:30 given the advanced hour, but we shall see.

That's really all I have this evening. I've been dwelling in a world nothing like this one and I find it difficult to shake it from my mind.

You ever noticed how susceptible my writing style is to whatever I've just read? I have.

I need to go sleep anyhow. My stomach is doing that queasy thing it does when I need to sleep more than I've let myself.

Talk to you upon the morrow

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

I'm craving a love story.

But at the moment I can't even see the inkling of one in my personal life.

So I'm filling the gap by writing one... and reading one.... and watching movies about them... and television shows with them...

It takes a lot of flim-flammery to act as a stand in for an actual love.

It's strange.

I'm not desperate. I'm actually pretty content/happy.

But there is definitely a part of me that just isn't ok with the way things are.

It's a strange juxtaposition to hold inside of one's body.

Someday things will all fall into place and it will be like all those quotes on pinterest that say everything will make sense as to why it didn't fall into place earlier.

At least I hope so, cause I imagine I'll be a little irritated if we are both like, "Yeah, I don't have a clue why this didn't happen before."

Perhaps somewhere at this very moment God is rubbing His hands together gleefully as He orchestrates our lives to collide.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the devilishly handsome man pondered the exact thoughts only more manly-ly and with all the skills his vast brain and acerbic wit could muster. But, not being one to overly dwell on circumstances he cannot change, he laid his boy-ishly charming head down and went to sleep.

Tales of a Former Smart Kid

Ok, so funny story.

I went and took the GRE today.

You know that and it's not funny.

I know! You've barely let me start!

Anyway,
 
The test was a little nerve-wracking, but I thought I did decently. At the end of the test they gave me my preliminary scores (which I've been told I shouldn't totally trust as the prelims sometimes come out higher than the official scores). So I got a 165 Verbal and a 152 Quantitative. I didn't know what the range was, so I just wrote down those numbers in my brain and transferred them to my phone as soon as I exited the building. To be fair those numbers might be wrong, too, just because my brain isn't so hot at remembering numbers even for very short moments of time.

So I wrote the numbers on my phone and immediately looked up "What is a good GRE Score?"... and saw that the top of the range was 800.

And I *freaked* out. I mean I didn't think I did great, but that's just terrible! I know that the adviser said the scores weren't insanely important, but he also said I shouldn't bomb it on purpose and 165 out of 800 sure looks like bombing it to me.

I quickly concluded that all of my test-taking abilities had gone down the drain .. or exploded.... or went on a hot air balloon race into the Bermuda Triangle ... I was a disgrace to my kind, my gpa was full of lies, and I no longer deserved the moniker of "smart kid." Mini-identity crisis began to ensue.

So a friend had e-mailed while I was in the test, and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her. I hadn't eaten much beforehand thus I was starving... and also ready to drown my sorrows in hanging out with a friend and eating vast quantities of food.

(side note- it was really hard for me to find the contacts list on my phone and then I drove really badly because my brain had turned off all of its life-skills functions to re-open my vault labeled, "High School Geometry.")

 I called her to say yes and then I drove to the restaurant and sat in the parking lot, pondering if I was really making the right choice- applying to grad school... pondering if I could even get in.... pondering my own immense hubris. Pondering how I should really stop using words like hubris in my inner monologue, because I wasn't a smart kid anymore.


I sat in the parking lot and thought to myself. "There is no way I did that badly. I mean how could I have gotten so many things wrong and thought that I was right?" And then I remembered that I was taking a "revised" test. They changed the GRE in 2011. Did you know? This test test was different than it used to be in several ways, including letting you have a calculator on screen, letting you review/ change your test answers, and letting you move around on each section of the test at random. I thought, "Maybe when they changed the test they changed the scoring rubric."

It was a thin hope, but like Obi Wan Kenobi to the Rebel Alliance it was my only one.

So I googled "New GRE test scores"

Yep.

I about had a conniption over the wrong scoring range.

The new one is 130-170 in 1-point increments.

165 suddenly looks a heck of a lot better, doesn't it?

Morals of the story: "Smart kids" can be pretty dumb. I have a lot of my identity still wrapped up in being "smart," even though I didn't realize it. And always make sure you are looking at the right scoring range.

The importance of peppermints

Whoa, hey! I hit 40,000 views 900 views ago. Awesome! I don't even know when that happened.

So... I'm taking the GRE tomorrow.

I went out and played board games tonight with friends.  :) Whoops.

Or maybe not whoops... they say you should try and be relaxed the night before...

Oh, I took a secret road trip to KC yesterday to go to a friend from HS's surprise 30th b-day party. I didn't tell you, internet, because you can't keep your durn mouth closed and you like to tell all my secrets to everyone, including the person who it is a secret from.

Pretty sure I last saw him at my sister's graduation... or maybe my cousins-- it had definitely been 9 or 10 years... It's so strange to meet people who you have this really strong past-connection with.. completely surreal how you just naturally fall into patterns that you used to have... and Kara was with me (because who wants to drive by yourself to a party where you only know the guest of honor?) So that was doubly weird, because it was like she was transported back in time with me from before she knew me... So I didn't know who I was or if I was comin' or goin'. All I can say is that the entire town of St. Joseph now feels like an alternate dimension to me.

I did manage to get some pretty great shots of Bolt, while we were out and about. Kara's in-laws live about an hour from St. Jo, and let us stay with them last night (we bribed them with Bolt-time, and they were super glad to have us... ok I'm sure they would have been happy to have us anyway, but seriously when you come bearing a grandbaby you can do very little wrong. :) Thus we didn't have to make the whole trip in a day.

Cuuute

Cuuuter

the Pièce de résistance

That kid is so dang cute. Plus we have officially reached the stage where he will giggle at me, just because I'm me, and I find that absolutely delightful.... Yep, I love that a baby thinks I look funny. I'm just weird like that.

Oh right... the GRE.

Yeah it's tomorrow at 1:30... so prayer would definitely be appreciated. I'm nervous, but not too stressed about it, because of what the graduate adviser said when I met with him... I just want to do well. I've always been pretty good at tests... so I'm hoping that remains the case... but... it's a bit nerve-wracking... So I'm going to go to bed and read for a while and then get to sleep so I'm well rested.

Maybe I'll find some peppermints before I go in tomorrow. Do they let you have peppermints? They should.  They stimulate brain activity and reduce fatigue. I remember that from my high school ACT days.

Peppermints are very important

...to life. and sundry other things I'm sure.

Contradictory

A friend made a blog post about how she isn't really super girly... and then she made a follow up post about some of the girly things she does like to do, and I thought... 

"Huh, that could be interesting." 

I often think that the way I am is a strange mix of girly and not-girly at all... so here goes

Girly things I like to do:

Wear skirts and dresses and heels

Paint my nails... a lot

Go clothes shopping

Giggle... I kinda love giggling

Bake (especially for boys who never refrain from eating baked-happiness because they are worried about their weight)

Wear makeup

Listen to theatre production soundtracks 

Cuddle (though I maintain that everyone likes this, guys just don't want to admit it.)

Overanalyze my feelings, your feelings, our relationship, and anything else that comes to mind... but not with you--- with my best friend.

Ponder why it's "Girly" and "Manly" not "Womanly and Manly" or "Girly and Boyly"

Try and consider the feelings of every person on the planet before making a decision

Live on pinterest

Manly things I like to do:

Eat barbecue, steak, and red meat in general

Be straightforward

Play video games

Channel Surf

Greet people with an upward head nod

Build stuff

Paint rooms

Watch Action/Sci-fi/Comic book movies

Quote StarWars

Make car screeching sound effects while driving by myself

(and on a related note) make up my own "danger" theme song.

Maintain a large bank of useless trivia knowledge

Make pretty dark cancer jokes

Be super sarcastic

And on a related note I love this list, and it's companion. But I wish there was one for women... maybe I'll write one. Not tonight though.

Of Malls and Men

I went to the mall today--- it'd been a while, and I won't have the disposable income to go again for a while, so I thought it might be nice. I got several cute things, but one thing particular was super "me."

I saw it laying on a table and I loved the look of it but when I held it up I thought for sure it was going to look terrible on me. But then I tried it on and I loved it.

Then I took it to the register and it was 1/2 off. Sweet!

Yep. It's a pink rainbow.

I'm in love.

I repainted my nails just for this sweater, I kid you not.

I'd give you a picture of more than my arm in the sweater but my computer is being obstinante and not letting me flip them so they'd be sideways.

Oh what the heck. You can manage with a sideways pic, right?

What am I doing with my lip there?

What the- hey!

I swear, on my computer that shows up sideways. So weird, computer. So weird.

On a different subject, I read this yesterday-

“And he absolutely had to find her at once to tell her that he adored her, but the large audience before him separated him from the door, and the notes reaching him through a succession of hands said that she was not available; that she was inaugurating a fire; that she had married an American businessman; that she had become a character in a novel; that she was dead.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Pale Fire

I love that.--(Be warned, I haven't actually read that book and I know the quote is totally out of context.)

Add this to two things said today- One from a friend on facebook:

"Lesson to guys: See a pretty girl, ask her out. I bet she doesn't get asked hardly ever. If she's not dating someone she will probably say yes."

 One from a friend in Starbucks, "But we've [girls] been taught for centuries and centuries and centuries that we should be fought for."

They are both right, at least in a way. I think that every girl really wants to be made much of. She wants someone to try and fight through the crowd to reach her. She likes at least the idea of the grand gesture. I used to always say that I wanted a secret admirer... heck I still probably do, and I don't think I'm alone in that. Maybe it would be creepy in actuality, but I'm not totally convinced. I think that "being fought for" is really different these days than it used to be. 

Now it means that you are willing to fight yourself. You are willing to fight the fear of rejection. (That's a big deal!) You are willing to fight off your self-preservation instincts to be vulnerable. Be the you that other people don't see. That you'd never be around your buddies.

I guess the thing is that I know movies are ridiculous and that things never turn out that way. But if there can be war and cancer and all the bad stuff that you see, and it can all be real... then why can't those sweeping romantic gestures be real, too?

Why did I have to battle through my husband's cancer and death, but when it comes to a happy ending, that's when I need to be realistic? Forget that. Someone find me a Disney prince*, STAT!

*only from the Little Mermaid on- No cardboard princes, please.

True stories

I went to TGI Fridays this evening with Kara.

The wait staff was among the strangest I've ever had, including the used car salesman door opener who was tailing me like a Munster as I left the restaurant.

Yes, like a Munster.

...and the bipolar hostess who tried to seat the two of us at a round table for 5, and the random waiter who kept telling someone in the back not to be jealous.

Our waitress seemed normal, and the food was actually kinda great... but the people. The people were straaange.
                                                                                                                                                    

I wore flowers in my hair today.

They were fake, but I rocked a side ponytail for the second day in a row, and that was oh so real.
                                                                                                                                                     

 I laid down to take a nap this afternoon and thought: "I'm unemployed."
                                                                                                                                                    

I got all 3 of my recommendation letters today. Recommendation letters give me warm fuzzies. You sorta assume that people don't notice the good things about you and then they write you recommendation letters and you realize they do.
                                                                                                                                                     

Plus it's unabashed proof that people like me and heavens knows that I like that.
                                                                                                                                                   

I can't spell recommendation for love or money. I've misspelled it every time I typed it all night.
                                                                                                                                                    

All I want to do is read a book, but I don't have time for that. I'd say after the GRE, but it's looking like I might be a little bit busier after that than initially planned. I'll find some time soon, though... It's been way too long since I read for enjoyment (at least 3 weeks!) I'm coming for you, books. Better watch yo'self.

True Story

Bold

The good thing is I have a pretty great vocabulary. Getting 3 wrong out of 30 on a practice test is pretty good.
Unfortunately the test isn't going to all be that same type of question.

I'm betting you are plenty glad that I'm taking the GRE soon rather than in a few months... this way you will only have to hear about it a few more days rather than for months.

I'm realizing that while I'm actually really excited about having some time off. I'm also crazy nervous about not having a job. Yes, I have a plan. Yes, I think it will all be ok. But I like having certainty.. I like being sure. I like knowing the plan into infinity. And things could go wrong with my plan and that scares me. a lot

If you knew the world was ending tomorrow. What would you do?

I was talking to someone today and he said that he'd do something "Bold." He didn't really know what, but it would be bold, because he wouldn't have to worry about ever seeing those people again.

I think bold is a good answer. I'm not bold... at least not normally. Normally I'm actually rather meek and passive.

Because I don't think the world is ending tomorrow.

I wish I was bold sometimes though.

No, actually I take it back. I don't wish I was bold. I wish that everyone else was. I like boldness. I respect it. I actually think that boldness might be the trait that all of my good friends share.

It's rather funny that I don't have it... or is that ironic.... or is it ironic that I don't *really* know the meaning of the word ironic even though I know the definition.

My feet are cold and I need to shower.

That is apropos of nothing, but I thought you'd like to know.

I am a cosmopolitan adult... almost.

I gotsta buy me a mat to put under my computer chair so I can roll around... The carpet in this place is nicer, meaning it has texture and is generally carpet like, but it means I can't roll at all and that's sad. I like rolling. It's who I be. It's how I... well... roll.

There is something about coming home from work and studying math for a big muckety-muck test that makes me feel oddly smart and cosmopolitan. Seriously. Yesterday as I opened the freezer I felt like I was a grown woman, accomplishing my dreams and being an adult.

Then I realized I was reaching for the Pepperoni Bagel Bites and I had a good laugh at myself.

I'm just sure that cosmopolitan adults never go near Bagel Bites....

They certainly don't buy them in bulk at Sam's.

...uhhhh not that I buy them in bulk at Sam's. Nope, never ever did that... ever.

I haven't painted my nails in days. I simply haven't the time. (That last line was said in a snooty British accent, btw.) I'm too busy studying a big ole Math book and de-rustifying my brain.

And writing a contributor's bio. (80 of the hardest fought words I've ever penned... clicked... typed. Whatever.)

And blogging.

And eating Bagel Bites.

And ok, ok, I may have watched "The Voice" last night while studying a bit. That's ok, isn't it?

I'm actually pleasantly surprised with my math skills. I looked at the GRE website and I got pretty scared, but apparently my mind is like an old farm truck in the winter. You have to start it up and let it idle for a while, but once it's warmed up, it'll do a heck of a lot more than you think.

That was a beautiful analogy. Be impressed.

I got on the scale this morning and my weight had gone up a bit since the last time I got on it. Which just goes to show you that eating a ton more food can not be balanced out by climbing stairs several times a day.

Guess I need to actually start paying attention to that again. Gotta look good for Lissa's wedding.

I'm really hopeful that after Thursday I will be able to get a heck of a lot more stuff done and I won't go to bed with a huge to-do list still in my mind....

I'm suspicious this won't actually be the case.

Ok, well I need to go be a cosmopolitan adult and write a critique for writing group, and do a bit of video game writing, and of course always more studying... miles to go before I sleep!

Afraid to Believe

I got great news today. They want to publish my one-act in the Moon City Review 2012!

It's such good news that I almost don't trust it. What if someone somewhere just hit the wrong button? It's all electronic now... it wouldn't be that hard to send an accidental acceptance when you meant to send a refusal.

How sad is it that I find myself suspicious of good news?

I was excited for a few hours and then I just started thinking, "What if it's a mistake?" The only other person I know who was accepted, was accepted over a month ago. Why the long delay between now and then?

50 people liked my status on facebook... what if I have to go back and tell them it was all just a misclick?

I hate looking the fool so much that I almost regret telling people so quickly. I don't want to look foolish and I really really hate feeling pitied.

Pitied or patronized. Either reaction make me want to punch someone/thing.

And if this is all some cruel joke the universe is playing on me... *shakes fist in the general direction of the universe*

Dang, I'm not a pessimist, normally... but I've mentioned before how often it feels like if I want something really and truly then I can't have it.

Now I've just admitted to the world that I really and truly wanted MCR to publish one of my pieces.

It's the first thing I ever tried to get published and I really wanted it to be used. It's that huge first step and it starts the very slow process of getting my name into the world... and I *wanted* it.... so I thought for sure it wouldn't happen. And the passing of the deadline I expected to hear from them by just confirmed it all in my head.

So this feels like it's not possible.

It's exceedingly weird that I should be so good at trusting in God with the hard stuff life's thrown at me, but afraid to trust in Him that the good things are actually good and not just another sneaky way to try and crush my spirits. I've learned how to rejoice in sorrow... but how do you rejoice in rejoicing? How can you ever know it's not all going to come crashing out from under you? The mountains are a lot easier to fall off of than rock bottom.

I realize how very strange I sound right now... I feel like for the first time I've uncovered a place where this journey has dinged me up a bit... where the process hasn't refined me, but added a weakness. How ironic that in learning to stand tall through the valleys I've become afraid to fly in the heights.

A bit of irresponsibility

I had a good day.

Good Church service today (though I woke up later than I meant to and thus barely made it to church on time.... well technically it was a little after time.)

Then I made potatoes at the church... and it turns out the church service is exactly the right amount of time to bake them... well, at least today it was.

Then everyone telling me how good they smelled after church. (That wasn't my plan, I just had no other way to get them ready in time for lunch.) But I loved that everyone was raving about the smell.

Then a great lunch with lots of random people from church.

Then I came home and cleaned and straightened the living daylights out of my place, so that for the first time I feel like I can have people over and not apologize for the mess.

Then I registered for the GRE.

Then I had people over to play games, which was fun.

Then Kara hung out with me for a while, and I'm not sure how, but we got on the topic of tattoos... and she tried to convince me that I should get one on Friday.

And I'm actually considering it. - Melissa, I can hear your excited, "ooooh!" from here. -Across time and space!

Not because Kara said so (Though she might try and convince you otherwise.)

But because the timing does seem fortuitous... marking the transition between work and going into a Master's program. It's been well over a year since Nathan died...so we've passed the "no big decisions deadline," and most of the reasons why I'm hesitant to do it are not about me at all, but about other people and how they will react.

And I guess it kinda comes down to this.

I dislike that there is nothing about me on the outside that says I've changed.  It doesn't feel right. When you get married it's a big deal. There is this symbol that you wear and show to the world. You are different and you have proof of it... there is a physical symbol of this inward change. But we don't even do mourning clothes anymore. I took my ring off relatively quickly because I didn't want it to be this big deal hard thing... but I've changed *so* much and I really want to feel like I have proof. Some sort of permanent mark to demonstrate that I'm not the same girl who started this life. I've been marked. I'm different. It's not a scar. It's beautiful, but it's not something that will ever go away. I always told Nathan he could get a tattoo if he wanted one, post cancer. Seems fitting that I allow myself to get one, post cancer.

I haven't changed my mind at all on what or where. (See this post) And I still love all of the symbolism. That it's traditional- that it means a safe return home (after a struggle), Love and loyalty to family, a hardship survived, a victory gained. I even like the idea that the swallow carries your soul to heaven if you die at sea... seems fitting that there is some sort of connection to death... but that it's full of hope- not despair.

I guess the thing is that I know I want to get this tattoo... I even want to explain it to strangers who ask. I just don't want to have to explain it to my loved ones...

But then again, they have to love me tattooed or non-tattooed. Right?

But Friday? I mean who even knows if I could get it done that soon... and do I want to be dealing with a new tattoo when I'm taking the GRE?

But at the same time there is something in me that just wants to let go a little bit, and do something that perhaps isn't the best plan. I guess I'm craving a bit of irresponsibility.

Is he gay or European?

I got a lot of unpacking done in my office today... I almost feel like I'm making good progress!

I also built a bookshelf and managed to wedge it into my closet... and now it looks like it was meant to be there.

See!

I put shelves in it, later.

I also put out all my books, so I've got a ton of empty boxes in my hallway.

And I realized that I have a poster that is perfect to hang over my breaker box.

Yes, that's probably going to be a pain if I have to flip a breaker, but... it's so ugly!

I also have all my nail polish up... Did I mention my dad made me 2 more spice racks for my polish?

Which basically only means they aren't all squished together now.

Yep.. I also have a ridiculous amount of stuffed animals.

Lord help me, I'm so girly sometimes it's scary.

Of course, I can also carry a bookshelf upstairs, assemble it, and finagle it into my office closet all on my own.... so I guess I can hold my own.

Tomorrow is Easter... well, today, actually I suppose. Happy Easter!

I can't decide if I want to get dressed up or wear my favorite flannel shirt...

I am apparently struggling quite a bit with my gender associations today.

So today I went through the McDonalds drive-through, and the adorable young man in the drive-through window (who I'm almost sure is gay) oohed and awwed over my car. Then he said, "Next time you come through I'm not going to give you your food until you give me your car."

I said, "That's gonna be a problem. I don't think I can do that."

So then he looked really sad and said, "So you won't come back through?"

I said, "I guess not."

He responded, "Well, how about you come through and you can keep your car, but if you never come through again, then I hunt you down and take your car?"

I said, "I think I can work with that."

He said, "Ok, then, I'll see you next time. Have a good day!"

I said, "Thanks, you too."

It was, all in all, a highly enjoyable exchange.... in the McDonalds drive-through.

You can argue that he was probably 12, he was most likely gay, or he's just a super chatty guy, but I choose to believe he fell in love with me.. (or possibly my car) at first sight. Maybe he finds my adoption of all the gender stereotypes at once attractive.

A friend of mine recently said, "I think everyone should assume that people are secretly in love with them. The world would be a better place."

I think he's right.

A Jackal Story

I was downtown tonight. My friend Kara T. (Not to be confused with Kara G who I've been known to wax eloquent about on occasion.) wanted to go see Hunger Games. I wasn't that thrilled to do so, but I don't mind having at least a passing knowledge of this trend though I don't have any plans to actually read the books. My distaste for distopias is probably fodder for a different blog but suffice it to say, I really don't care for them. So a few hours at a movie is about all I can or want to handle to gain this knowledge.

But the important thing is that we went to the Hollywood Theatre downtown. *sigh* I really like downtown but it sure does bring out the worst in society and tell them to go ahead and just be themselves.

So we left the theater at midnight and our car was in a parking lot across the street.

I was wearing a black skirt and a gray t-shirt-like top. (Though I had a jogging jacket over it) I had on black wedges and my hair was in three buns at the nape of my neck. This was my outfit all day long. (Also I always wear shorts under a skirt unless the skirt is floor length, because it just makes me feel more at ease.)

So as we approached the corner of the street to get to the parking lot where our car was, some dude yelled out his window, "Hey, no prostitution!"

 I wanted to yell back, "Hey, no idiocy!"

I didn't.

What a Jackal. (Jackal is not the animal that starts with "jack" that I want to call him, but I'm a good girl, I am!)

It does make me feel better to think how bad he would feel if he could somehow emotionally connect to the fact that he just called a 28 year old widow a prostitute because she happened to be crossing a street with a skirt and heels on.

I don't have much respect for him, but I have to believe that somewhere under that jerky exterior is a boy who his mother loves... who probably has a sensitive side and loves his dog... or will love his kids... or was bullied in school. He yelled to prove to his girlfriend that he wasn't checking me out, or to show off to his buddies, or because he has the worst sense of humor in the world. He forgot that the person he was yelling at was a human being, because we are all so wrapped up in the drama of our own life we forget that just because we don't know them doesn't mean they aren't flesh and blood... 

But we are. If I could have I would have yelled, "Hey! I was a virgin on my wedding day. I stood by my husband's side through 16 months of cancer. I took care of him through much of it. I live in a world without him there every. single. day. I don't deserve your cruelty." And I kinda hope that someday God lets the jackal know who he was yelling at.

But that's up to God, not me.

And so, after my little venting blog, I'll forgive him. That kind of bitterness will only serve to hurt me... it's possible he has already forgotten.

*sigh* Turning the other cheek is not easy to do.

Past in the Future.

So here's something kinda awesome. The other day I got a message from a friend who I went to college with. He is getting married in June and he and his fiancé are going to have a dessert bar of all their favorites things. And he asked me to make chocolate chip cookies for it.

To my uncles who once teased me that "of course all the boys "loved" my cookies, since I was giving them away"- I told you it was more than just the allure of free cookies. :P

Also I saw one of my former students today... I taught him 5 years ago, and it took me a minute to recognize him after he waved at me, but by the time he asked, "Do you remember me?" I had his name pulled from the corners of my memory and his most interesting factoid from the time I was teaching him. (I gave him a fake 5 o'clock shadow using lotion and coffee grounds for a movie in TV Productions.) And I wouldn't have even classified him as one of "mine." Thank you, memory, for being a rockstar.

Plus, it was one of the great times when you think that you actually probably look better now than you did the last time they saw you. What's that? Oh, yes, I do get progressively more attractive as I age. Thanks for noticing.

Someone told me yesterday that they could never read me. I responded that I'd sit my face down and tell it to start being more expressive.

But seriously... is it that bad? I feel like people can normally tell what I'm thinking/ feeling. And it's not like I *want* my every thought broadcasted to the world.... Maybe I only have micro expressions? You know what they say, the more gigantic the head, the tiny-er the expressions!

Maybe this person is just really bad at reading everyone.

 Let's go with that last one.. that's better.

Mildly overwhelmed, but overwhelmingly positive!

The meeting yesterday went really well, I think. The advisor said I wasn't too late to be applying at all. (Though I do need to get the ball rolling.) He said I had a "glowing" GPA.  And then I'm pretty sure he guesstimated my age to be somewhere between 23 and 25, which is just fine by me. He also said that while I need to take the GRE, I don't need to worry overly much about my scores, because it's just part of what they look at and with a great GPA, references, writing sample, and personal statement, a non-impressive GRE score will be overlooked. That's good to hear, though I still plan on studying a bit... just because I can get a not-great score doesn't mean I want to get a not-great score... I've got some pride.... or is that work ethic. Basically, I'd still like to do my best, even if  it doesn't matter.

It is too late to get a GA-ship for the fall in the English dept. But that said, I went to an end-of-small-group barbecue last night and three different people told me about GA-ships that other departments had that I could possibly get. Which makes me pretty hopeful about my prospects... and one of them might even pay better than an English GA-ship.

I also have a friend who thinks I just need to start writing e-books and selling them.... but I think I need some time to get my book written... and I'd like to at least try the more traditional publishing route first.

My life is a complete whirlwind right now- I'm still not unpacked, I have to register for, prep for, and take the GRE. I have to get reference letters, and write a personal statement. I have to choose writing samples I want to turn in. I'm still working at the church, I'm writing my book and going to writer's group, They need me to be working on the video game, blogging, trying to make time for friends and the bajillion showers that are happening, not to mention that there is no art up in my entire apartment and it's bugging the dickens out of me. I needed to go home last weekend, but it sure did mess up my groove. I really need to stay in and just slam things out, but this weekend is already filling up with lots and lots of activities... all of which I really want to do, but land a goshen!

It's so nice to have internet again, though that it kinda makes it all ok.

So I'm only mildly overwhelmed, but overwhelmingly positive!

Home thoughts

Things I thought of today: (and yesterday, since that's when I started this blog.

It's gonna sound weird but I find a man's forearms are a pretty good indicator of whether or not I will be attracted to him.... Also, his face ;)

I looked up my Praxis II scores- the test you take to be certified to teach a subject in high school. I took both the Speech Com one and the English one. I passed the Speech Com one, no problems (750 out of a possible 900, where I needed a 600 to teach), but if my sources are correct, I *slayed* the English one... you can score between 100 and 200. I got a 196, and a "Recognition of Excellence." Holla. I don't remember making a big deal about it at the time, but let me just take a moment to brag on my former self.

That means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things but it raised my spirits today.

I think I might be on the semi-front of this music wave: Check out Ben Rector. (He went to U of A and he's originally from Tulsa, so some of you should like him just for that alone!) I'm really enjoying "When a Heart Breaks" It's not about the stereotypical heart break and I think you should probably listen to it. In fact,

I GOT MY INTERNETTTTTT!!!!!!!!

To celebrate, it's 2:20 AM.

It's like I've found a part of my identity again. The part that stays up way too late, but is happy about it.

Thrilled.

Overjoyed.

Content.

S-bucks thoughts

Man, driving back today seemed to take forever, even though it just took the "normal" amount of time. I wish there was a Starbucks between home and Springfield. I think I just needed some caffiene. Don't get me wrong, the Simply Lemonade was good, but I got pretty sleepy from 2-3.

I love Disney songs. They aren't afraid to be beautiful and sweeping and cheesy. I feel epic when listening to Disney songs. I feel like my life is epic, even though it's not.

I enjoy people watching at Starbucks... For instance, I wonder if the boy in front of me is as interested in the girl in front of me as she is interested in him.... He's talking quite a bit... but he is also looking out the window a lot and is only half heartedly paying attention to the girl's stories. My story is that these two have a class together and she asked to meet up for him to "explain stuff" (aka have an excuse to hang out with him) and he came to help but he wasn't seeing it as an opportunity to spend time with the girl... but he's kinda flattered, but not interested either. She seems to be playing dumber than she is.

I hate it when girls play dumb to attract a guy.

Seriously? You want a guy who's going to be intimidated by your brains??? What if you two actually get into a relationship? Eventually he's gonna figure out you aren't as dumb as you were playing... or worse you will play dumb for so long that you actually become dumb.

Speaking of becoming dumb, who's totally intimidated by the math part of the GRE? *Raises hand* Its been 8 or 9 years since my last math course... and I was good at it, once upon a time, but I didn't like it and your brain dumps knowledge that you don't use...

Oy vey.

Any bets being placed on if I actually get internet tomorrow when the technician comes to my apartment? Any bets on if he will actually call me 30 min before he's supposed to show up?

Oh the boy might be interested in her after all.... what does it mean when a boy plays with the back of his hair?

Short like a Fox!

I have a meeting with the graduate advisor for the MSU English Department on Tuesday evening.

Hopefully that goes well.

Oh something that might be of interest to you. You all know how short I am, right? (If you don't, let me tell, you, I'm short. 5' 3.75" And yes the .75 is that important.)

Well, as short as I am, I tower over all the other women on the Carney side of my family. Grandmother, mother, aunts, sister... I'm taller than them all... it's a *really* strange feeling. When I was trying on some heels in Target I felt like a giantess. I'm also a good head and shoulders taller than Pappy. I always say I overcame great adversity to be as tall as I am.. and it's very true.

Let's just say that I come from a diminutive clan. Short in stature but large in heart.

Oh, come on, don't scoff at me like that. Let's say it.

It makes me sound like I'm related to the Ewoks and that's like the coolest family reference ever... I bet they'd let me be a GA if I told them I was related to the Ewoks.

That should totally be a question on the application.

Check all boxes that apply:

Can claim familial affiliation with:
☐ Native Americans
☐ African Americans
☐ Ewok Americans

If you checked the last box: Welcome on board, you adorable thing, you!