Someone linked an article today on facebook called "How the Teachings of Emotional Purity and Courtship Damage Healthy Relationships." That's hyper-linked if you want to check it out.
I read it and just felt a resounding, "Yes!" spring up in my heart.
I thought about just copying the link to fb and leaving it be, but then I thought about it a little more, and decided I really needed to explain myself better. Here's the thing. Every thing that I'm about to say is opinion and if you don't agree with me, that's fine. Your points are just as valid and compelling as my own. I have no clue what a "Gothard generation" is or what IBLP or ATI stand for. If Nathan were here I'd ask him, but he isn't and his explanation would likely be really long-winded anyway. :) Suffice it to say I think the website in general looks like it has an agenda/beef with someone and, as such, probably has some good things to say and some things that I don't agree with, but what I'm really looking at is the article I linked to above.
I grew up in very center of the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" time frame. It was *very* popular in the Christian circles when I was in high school, and I know a lot of "kissed dating goodbye" devotees and former devotees. And I do have to say that while I know some people who ascribed to the principals and are happily married today, I also know some people who got *really* screwed up relationally because of the book, and still don't seem to be able to figure out what love for a romantic partner looks/feels like.
I think the author of the article makes some good points and I'll let them stand on their own, but there are a few things she doesn't mention that I feel like deserve a nod or expounding upon.
First, emotional purity/ "guarding your heart" is not the same as sexual purity. I do not think you should have sex before marriage. Sometimes Christians do. I think that's a mistake, but I also think that's between you, God, and your spouse.
But emotional purity-- keeping yourself set apart so that your spouse someday can have your "whole heart." Well that's something that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Darcy makes a very valid point- that's not how the heart works. You don't have a finite amount of love that can be used up. Love is limitless. If you ask me it's one of the best ways to try and get a better understanding of the infinity of God. God is love. (1st John 4: 8b)
Love is boundless. It's actually one of the very few things that help me catch a glimpse what never-ending is. You can love someone without that diminishing your love for someone else. I can love my mother and my father and my sister and my husband and my child and none of those loves takes away from any of the others. There is always more love and always more room in your heart. The fact that I love(d) Nathan doesn't effect my ability to love someone else, someday. How ridiculous would it be to claim that because I was married and my husband died I somehow failed at being "emotionally pure."
So my spouse should have my whole heart regardless. If I'm marrying someone then I darn well better love him with my whole heart. Also, I just don't understand how you are ever supposed to *get* a spouse without letting a few potential candidates in a bit. No one wants to get hurt, but how are you supposed to know if you could marry this person, or if this person could marry you if you keep yourself apart from them with an emotional 10-foot pole between you?
It's really the last point that I really want to emphasize, though. There is no formula. There is no way to be safe from hurt. There is no guaranteed way to be happy. Different things work for different people. There's no one right way that will work for everyone- personalities are different and the "personality of the relationship" is different than the personalities of either person in the relationship. And sometimes people simply aren't who you thought they were and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.
Relationships can be messy and there isn't right way to approach them that will make them neat. So sure, sometimes kissing dating goodbye will work, but it's important to remember it's not the only way, and for some people it's a really terrible way.
Should we be smart about relationships? Yes. Should we be cautious about who we "let in?" Yes. Should we use our common sense? Yes. Should we take potential relationships seriously? Yes.
But I think the important questions for Christians are not- "Have we maintained emotional purity" or "Have we kissed dating goodbye?"
The important questions are:"Am I praying about it?" "Does it feel like God wants me to proceed a certain way?" "Am I listening to Him?"
This blog is a bit preach-y-ier than I normally get, but it's come up in so many conversations lately that I just felt like I should probably address it. I'll be getting off my soap box now.
Great post. I think about this sometimes, too. Concurrent with the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" trend was this (secular) idea that boys and girls could (should?) be the best of friends without sexuality ever entering into the picture. We were supposed to be having co-ed sleepovers to prove how we were all above all that sex stuff. As a result, my friends and I would often declare things like, "Oh, I would NEVER have feelings for so-and-so, he's my FRIEND!" Which was both the most ridiculous of lies and also probably a big blow to their egos. There has to be some balance. Everyone deserves the dignity of acknowledging their potential attractiveness, as well as respect for the fact that all of us have the capacity for self-control.
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