Waiting Room

Yesterday's word was suspenders-- I told you the word wouldn't be in the title and two of you still guessed dancing. You crazy kids. I was just alluding to the song in Wicked which was alluding to the scarecrow comment...

So I'm not sure what it is about tonight.. If it's the mercurial weather or being alone or missing Kara or the phase of the moon but I'm feeling disgruntled. Or maybe disgruntled isn't even the right word... I'm not sure what the word is though... melancholy... sad... homesick... lonely.

I feel like I'm in a waiting room... I feel like in some respects I haven't left a waiting room for about three years now and I want out.

I want my person.

I desperately want my person, whoever he is.

I'm so tired of going about my life with the waiting room constantly in the background. The reason I'm waiting has changed from what it was three years ago... but it just means I've moved floors. Waiting rooms pretty well all feel the same. Terrible lonely places where you are somehow completely alone no matter how many people are with you. Places where each entrance brings so much hope and fear and desperation.

Now I'm waiting for a different reason. Waiting to meet my someone, or waiting for him to get a clue, or just waiting and waiting and waiting to no ends whatsoever. (And don't think I'm not *terrified* to write that last one.)

And I'm so discouraged.... and I know that it just takes one entrance and it's possible that from whenever that entrance happens I won't really have to deal with this ever again.

But I don't know when that entrance will be... or if it ever will be.

And I'm strong normally and I'm brave normally, but I'm not feeling it tonight. I'm feeling all the things that everyone tells you that you can't be if you want to attract someone.

And that sucks because it's not fair. No one can be strong and brave and confident and "not worry about it" all the time. And I think I normally do a pretty good job of it, but I'm still human. I tamp them down as well as I can, but my emotions are still there, somewhere.

And I want someone to love that I'm so strong and brave normally... but I want someone who can love me when I'm not strong and brave, cause that's when I really need someone to be with me.

And I don't get it.

I really don't.

By this time you probably know me pretty well, don't you? Hopefully you do and you won't hate me for what's about to happen. Cause I'm about to be honest... perhaps offensively honest.

This might be a terrible thing to say, and it's not even a little bit modest but I think I'm a pretty good catch. I mean, obviously Nathan thought so, but... I believe in myself. I'm sweet and I'm kind and I care about people. I'm smart and I'm funny (sometimes) and I have a decent sense of humor for other people's jokes. I like being affectionate with my significant other but I know how to be restrained, too. I can do planned and I can do spontaneous. I have good morals, and a good work ethic, and I can bake quite well. Kara assures me that my hair these days is fantastic and while I could stand to lose more weight, I'm working on it and I don't think I'm unfortunate looking. I'm not high-maintenance, but I'm willig to take on high-maintenance friends. I'm a good wife and I think I'll be a good mom, if maybe slightly overprotective. I mean I might have a bit of an ego on me that I think all these things about myself, and I can obviously work a bit on my patience, and I know that I'm not the right girl for just any guy... but I don't think I'm universally off-putting, either. I don't think there is anything about me that makes me unworthy of getting someone's attention and I think there is a lot about me that makes me desirable... I'd even go so far as to say there is a lot about me that makes me perfect for someone... but there isn't someone, and I don't get it.

And it scares me so much to think that this is all there will ever be.

Longing to have someone to take care of... and longing for someone who wants to make those tiny subtle gestures that let you know that he cares.

I've never needed or expected a room full of a thousand flowers to know that I'm loved... just a text... or an e-mail... or a knock... just someone saying that he loves me more than he loves anyone else. Saying that I'm what he wants. Someone whose hand I can hold.

The exit from the interminable waiting room.

Forgive my ridiculous selfish-ness and moping, please. I just needed to get it out.