Blogging, karaoke, and an idea...

So I just read a friend's blog... ok, technically we aren't friends... we are just acquaintances from college... He writes a blog that I read from time to time, though he talks about baseball with alarming frequency, so I don't follow it religiously. Full disclosure, right? Anyway, he's going on vacation in the beginning of May, and he's looking for guest bloggers while he's gone... and I'm considering sending him a blog. It might be a little weird, but I figure if it's that weird he can always choose not to post it... and it could be interesting. It could draw more people to my blog. I mean I know that it's not about readership, but...I don't know... I want to be known I think... I want my story to be known. I want the world to know about Nathan... or at least more of the world. Ironic that I find ambition in this, isn't it? What marks you as an official blogger, eh? Is it when you hit a certain number of posts, or a certain amount of time posting with reliable frequency, or is it when suddenly the idea of writing a blog to post on someone else's blog sounds like it might be a good idea.

I'm not sure... at the moment it's just a thought... feels like I should have a good idea of what to talk about before I make a decision to send a post to someone else. Suddenly I feel like I'm back in the middle of play auditions all over again. Thank goodness I don't have to come up with 16 bars of music!

I kinda want to do karaoke... why do all the karaoke bars have to be so smokey? That's not helpful for the karaoke singer's lungs! Maybe I should just buy the Glee karaoke game and sing in the privacy of my own home to my own self. I'm kinda paranoid about my singing voice... I mean I'm not actually sure if I have a good voice or not...It sounds good in my head, but I've watched enough American Idol auditions to know that means *nothing*... and my family says so, but they kinda have to, and some people at my home church have told me so, but once again... when you start singing in church at age... (I'm gonna guess 5?) Well, of course they are going to give you compliments! It seems like when it really counts, though, there is always someone better... and yes, I understand that is the nature of life, to some extent, but when push comes to shove it seems like the people who really *know* music don't really care for my voice. It's kinda a bummer, cause I love to sing, but I dunno, after a while you start to take the hint. And then you switch your major to just regular theatre rather than putting yourself through the torture of vocal lessons with a lady who thinks you are a soprano and that there is something wrong with your vocal chords... I think it might have been hard for her to accept that I'm not an opera singer.... but that's just not something I'm cut out for, and I think I've always known that! *shudder* So, basically, I want to do karaoke because it gives me an excuse to sing, and an excuse to be terrible, if that's what I am... and no one will think that I think I'm any good, if I'm not. Oh the convolution that is my mind, sometimes! Seriously, I know I care too much.

Ok, blog world, that's not something that I think I've told anyone... Normally, I just thank people if they compliment me and never let on to the seething mass of insecurity that lies just underneath the surface. You know, I think that's pretty well how I live my life... a shiny surface to cover the turbulent waters of insecurity boiling through my veins. Perhaps that's how everyone lives their lives? I don't really know. I'm pretty sure it's not totally healthy, though.

*abrupt subject change*

I've been thinking about having some sort of gathering... I'm not really even sure what to call it... some sort of  memoriam or wake or something. I want a place, a time, an event where people talk about Nathan. To tell funny stories or sweet stories or sad stories. I want to talk about him and I want to hear other people talk about him, but I'm afraid to do it. I think we all are, cause no one wants to bring it up to me... and I don't want to be the downer girl. But I want a place where I can laugh with people, where I can hear stories I never heard before, and relive/hear stories I've heard a million times... I want a time where I can cry and laugh and remember and not try and forget or hide when I am remembering. I haven't done it... a few times the days after we lost him I got together with friends and I thought it might be something akin to what I'm talking about, but it never was. It was too raw, too fresh, too hard, and I didn't know how to ask for it. What do you think? Am I the only one who feels the need for this?