Remember that?

I leave for northern MO in 2 days...well technically, I'll be in northern MO in two days... I leave in the middle of the day. Don't worry, though, I'm sure my sister will let me use her computer to blog while I'm at home. Oh and for any robber types out there reading this, I live in an apartment complex right next door to my best friend who doesn't work and frequently drops by my place when I am not there to "borrow" Pepsis and movies/TV shows. And my landlord is around all the time, too, Not to mention I don't really have that good of stuff to steal.. so let it go, man, let it go.

Anyway all that to say: I need to pack.... and do laundry. The days have escaped me, so tomorrow night is gonna be a bit of a scramble to get everything together. I do so love a challenge, I suppose.... I'm not actually sure that is a true statement I just uttered.... or typed.

Oh, here's a challenge I love- Song challenge time! There is a rather popular current song where a group of people are singing "When they..." and it's auto tuned... Every time I hear it, I think, "That sounds like they are singing, 'Renée.'" Can you figure out what song I'm speaking of?  Bonus random song tidbit: I like to think that in the song "Dynamite" Taio Cruz is actually singing, "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ay-oh, Galileo." (actual lyric is "gotta let go") I think the song is much more amusing when you think about it being sung to the Italian physicist/mathematician/astronomer. Taio and his homeboy Galileo, gonna rock that club.

Do you remember a while ago when I said that I got news that made me gasp and then sob? Well, I've finally been given permission to blog about it. Kara (and Josh) are having a baby boy! And they are naming him Bolt, which I just love. It's Josh's mom's maiden name and both Josh and his sister's middle names and it's just an awesome name. But the news that made me gasp and cry is that his middle name is going to be Nathan.... for my Nathan. Makes me tear up again, just typing it. Nathan would have been so honored. I'm so touched. I love my friends very much.

Today I was at a meeting where people were talking about our church, and someone said something, that I'm taking totally out of context. He was talking about our church and the things he has seen God do in/through the church and feeling like it could repeat, if He wants.. and the way this person described it was that he felt like God said, "Remember that? I can do it again...." And it got to me, in a big way- though personally rather than in the general church context, as it was meant to refer.  You see, the whole time I was sitting in the meeting I was just so sad, because I was missing Nathan.. I was missing the camaraderie... someone who I can talk to with just a glance... someone whose exact thoughts I know, just by their body language. And then this guy said, "Remember that? I can do it again. And it may not look exactly the same, but I can do it again." And I stopped being able to subtly hide my tears... Because I was suddenly flooded with all the memories of how wonderful my relationship with Nathan was...

I get so scared sometimes that I've used up/ filled up my love card. That God will get back to me when He's matched up all the other deserving people in the world (cause you know that God makes people wait their turn, don't cha?) Or that any other relationship I have is going to somehow be diluted, because I was once married to someone else, or just that something will somehow be *less* than what I once had... and having someone remind me that God can do it again- and while it won't be the same, it will be just as good... Remember that friendship? I can do it again. Remember that understanding? I can do it again. Remember that laughter? I can do it again. Remember that happiness? I can do it again. Remember that sense of comfort and peace? I can do it again. Remember that love? I can do it again. Remember that joy? I can do it again. It got to me... What I had with Nathan doesn't have to end with Nathan's life. Remember that? I can do it again. That and someone hugged me in a, "we love you, and it's going to be ok" kind of a way, just as all of that started to hit. Sympathy: easiest way to cause me to break down, ever... Well that and yelling at me, but sympathy is much nicer.

I think I'm still trying to figure out how to grieve as a part of a community... how to let others see it happen in me. I mean I know I share on here... but in person, I try to keep under control as much as I can. Melissa was telling me tonight that letting others see what's happening in me is good for them.. and in a lot of ways that's a foreign concept to me. I feel like me being strong is good for people. And don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm "strong" because I'm feeling strong... but sometimes I'm strong cause I don't want to bring everyone down... and admit that I'm not. Oh grief, you fickle minx.

In other news, Nathan's cousin posted this blog link on Facebook that I have to share with you. It's about dying eggs for Easter. Dying them to make the coolest flipping eggs I've ever seen in my entire life. I fully expect the thrift stores in Springfield to be out of silk ties by the end of the day, this is that cool.

Seriously- Look at this.

I might start buying a collection of silk things now- for the Easter of my future children.

"For the Easter of my future children" I really like the feel of that phrase... like it should be in a poem, or the end of a piece of classic literature... It's like a hopeful version of  "the winter of our discontent."

Wow... yes, I did just compare my writing to that of William Shakespeare... My ego apparently knows no bounds.