The Path of Pretension

So remember that benefit night that I mentioned the Religious Studies Club at Missouri State was holding? It's coming up on Thursday. If you want more information you can go to the facebook page. I'm planning on being there the whole time... It just feels like something I can do... be a figurehead... people will be there because they loved Nathan... and I'm as close as it gets these days.

Sometimes, I have flashbacks... Isn't that weird? It's not like it was 'Nam or anything... but I flashback to that ICU room... I flashback to his last heartbeats... I flashback to the last time I touched him. No one will ever be able to convince me there isn't a soul. I've seen the difference.

People don't want to talk about the hard stuff... the heavy stuff...  Heck, I don't want to talk about that stuff, most of the time. Only when it's late and there is no one to talk to... that's the only time I want to talk about it... Maybe subconsciously I do that on purpose... Cause if there is no one to talk to then I can just sit and feel sorry for myself and not worry about passing on burdens... I know, I know, you've all told me I shouldn't worry about passing on burdens... that people want to help.. and I know they do... but I also know that this isn't something that everyone is equipped to bear. And to be quite honest it's not the type of stuff that I can share with just anyone. You can call it trust issues or abandonment issues... I call it the inescapable fragility of the human psyche... ok, fine, I don't call it that at all, I was just choosing the path of pretension. /tangent/ Ha! I like it! -Come, walk with me down the path of pretension. /end tangent/ I just don't know what to call it. Chemistry and timing, I suppose. Sheer blasted picky-ness, even.

I really like talking in accents. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before...but it's true... Nothing beats a wee bit of the brogue, or a smatt-ah-rin' of a good Cockney accent to keep yah day movin' alung, guv'nah. (Seriously, way easier to talk in a Cockney accent if you use guv'nah in every sentence.) This is the reason I was happy to play 5 different roles in my senior play... 5 roles= 5 accents. Yumpin Yimminy! All I want is for the world to play along with me... won't you? Nathan never would... he'd always get too self-conscious... I got him to do an accent once... I think we were in the Wal-mart parking lot... and I just finally pestered him to death and he said one thing... in a very respectable accent, I might add... but he'd never say anything else... It's funny the things that we get embarrassed by, isn't it... I think him talking in an accent is one of the very few times that I ever saw him nervous about anything. It was completely adorable.

We were gonna do community theatre together someday... Mainly because I thought it would be super fun to do together and I wanted to share one of my first loves with him... Plus, I always wanted to be in one of those theatre families that we had back in Memphis, where the whole gang was involved. Not only that, but it's really convenient to have couples in community theatre shows... you can have them kiss on stage and no one cares. :) Oh community theatre... I love thee, well.

You know... I don't think that I'm going to stop talking about Nathan... Sometimes I think I should, because people don't know what to do with it... but he's part of who I am....So I guess I'm gonna have to find a future someone who can handle it. I'm aware of Nathan's flaws/shortcomings... he's not on some pedestal of perfection (oooh the P alliterations, they flow like wine, tonight!) But Nathan is a part of me, now... I'll never be able to pretend as though he wasn't.... and I wouldn't want to.