Need to be: doing laundry, putting laundry away, packing an overnight bag, doing work on the video game, cleaning... Oy vey, do I need to be cleaning...
Am actually doing: having a 26 comment long conversation with my sister on my facebook status, generally perusing fb, playing with a macbook, considering watching another Pushing Daisies episode on Netflix, reading a book, or playing a videogame, pondering why I love rainbows so gosh darn much.
I think the reason I love rainbows so much is this: they make me happy. Ok, yes, perhaps an obvious point, but here is the thing. I think rainbows look really beautiful and I like that all the colors are together... but also somewhere inside of me rainbows are synonymous with joy. Maybe I watched too much children's television as a child, maybe I got hit over the head with a Lisa Frank brick, maybe I was brainwashed by Willy Wonka, but to me a rainbow is a symbol of hope, happiness, contentment and, yes, joy.
Plus one of my favorite movies ever has a song sung to a rainbow, so that probably means something.
And somewhere in the movie Mr. Pendergast says to Polly, "Who could be sad when you have a rainbow around your neck?" and puts a crystal prism on a necklace on her.
I will totally let you watch this movie with me if you want... in fact if you are my friend and you haven't watched this movie with me I'm totally shocked... It's nigh on required friendship viewing. It's like a childhood cult classic, only it was only released on TV so it's a sneaky childhood cult classic.
By the way I'm really holding back on all the videos I want to link on here now... so if you have some free time watch Sweet Little Angel Eyes, and Stand Up, and Nothin' on Me, and Something More... Oh heck, let's just watch it!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Friends are friends forever...
I have wonderful friends.
Wonderful friends who think I'm funny.
Who make sad faces in sympathy for me when I've got a (an?) 'orrible 'eadache.
Who put up with my random accents (especially the British ones)
Who really *know* me, and love me even when they disagree with me.
Who give me good advice about laptops, when I decide I want to buy one.
Who just up and offer to loan me their macbook for a weekend so I can try it out.
Who distract me from thinking too hard about what day it is.
Who go out to lunch with me.... and to dinner with me... and to Branson with me... and who would travel the world with me if I'm ever a multi-millionaire.
Who want to protect me.
Who humor my Starbucksian love affair... and my Darren Criss obsession... and the fact that I clean my office once every like 7 months or so.
Who send me nice facebook messages and comment on my blog and just love me through every insane emotion the last 5 months have put me through.
I really just don't know how a girl can get so lucky.
PS Sorry for the late post- blogger was down last night.
Wonderful friends who think I'm funny.
Who make sad faces in sympathy for me when I've got a (an?) 'orrible 'eadache.
Who put up with my random accents (especially the British ones)
Who really *know* me, and love me even when they disagree with me.
Who give me good advice about laptops, when I decide I want to buy one.
Who just up and offer to loan me their macbook for a weekend so I can try it out.
Who distract me from thinking too hard about what day it is.
Who go out to lunch with me.... and to dinner with me... and to Branson with me... and who would travel the world with me if I'm ever a multi-millionaire.
Who want to protect me.
Who humor my Starbucksian love affair... and my Darren Criss obsession... and the fact that I clean my office once every like 7 months or so.
Who send me nice facebook messages and comment on my blog and just love me through every insane emotion the last 5 months have put me through.
I really just don't know how a girl can get so lucky.
PS Sorry for the late post- blogger was down last night.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I'd like to congratulate you on all your moxie.
I'm wearing black nail polish right now. It makes me dangerous. I can tell... I'm turning into black Spidey as I type this.
Dangerous enough to tell you that Netflix is definitely sending me the first disc of Dawson's Creek in the mail right now... I'm gonna be reliving my high school days... or at least the high school days I was never really allowed to watch, but sometimes accidentally got away with.
Tonight I'm enjoying using words like bemused, befuddled, fettle, and passel.
And also zing-zangled. As in: I'm downright zing-zangled about the 4th of July weekend coming up and my new nail polish.
Hey, made-up words are still fun words. All words are welcome on the island of mis-fit words.
I think that makes me King Moonracer, and King Moonracer would soooo wear black fingernail polish.
So this is funny: I love Adam from Mythbusters... and Gollum...and this clip.. Thanks, Leslie, for sharing this on the facebook.
I love the part where he tells Adam to congratulate Gollum on all his moxie.
It's a great line.
And oh my goodness, have you ever read this blog? It's hilarious, though I will warn you there are a lot of f-bombs dropped, and it can be rather crude so be careful. It's just what some guy says in his sleep but I find it some of the most hilarious stuff I've ever read-- especially if you play the audio of it.... though I guess that technically would make it the most hilarious stuff I've ever heard, but whatever.
And amidst the bad language you get gems like this: "Nobody move. Stay absolutely still. The desk bunny is around here somewhere. Don't show him your fear, he feeds off your fear."
and "If you can do what I can do, then you too can wear plastic pants. Bright orange plastic pants."
or, "Has everybody got their gerbils? Alright? Good. Okay, commence shaving."
I think my British GPS might want to be this guy when he grows up.
Dangerous enough to tell you that Netflix is definitely sending me the first disc of Dawson's Creek in the mail right now... I'm gonna be reliving my high school days... or at least the high school days I was never really allowed to watch, but sometimes accidentally got away with.
Tonight I'm enjoying using words like bemused, befuddled, fettle, and passel.
And also zing-zangled. As in: I'm downright zing-zangled about the 4th of July weekend coming up and my new nail polish.
Hey, made-up words are still fun words. All words are welcome on the island of mis-fit words.
I think that makes me King Moonracer, and King Moonracer would soooo wear black fingernail polish.
 | |
| Look at him- he's got black wings... you know he's a little bit goth! |
I love the part where he tells Adam to congratulate Gollum on all his moxie.
It's a great line.
And oh my goodness, have you ever read this blog? It's hilarious, though I will warn you there are a lot of f-bombs dropped, and it can be rather crude so be careful. It's just what some guy says in his sleep but I find it some of the most hilarious stuff I've ever read-- especially if you play the audio of it.... though I guess that technically would make it the most hilarious stuff I've ever heard, but whatever.
And amidst the bad language you get gems like this: "Nobody move. Stay absolutely still. The desk bunny is around here somewhere. Don't show him your fear, he feeds off your fear."
and "If you can do what I can do, then you too can wear plastic pants. Bright orange plastic pants."
or, "Has everybody got their gerbils? Alright? Good. Okay, commence shaving."
I think my British GPS might want to be this guy when he grows up.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Is it still swearing if it's not a curse in your country?
Flip.
I have a friend whose girlfriend is from Northern Ireland. I know, that's cool, right? She is in the States for a bit and I went to a party she was at yesterday and at some point the conversation went to all the differences in slang between the States/Northern Ireland/the rest of Ireland.
And "flip" is a curse word across the sea. I didn't know that, but I already use it as such relatively often, and honestly it just makes it more fun to me... Apparently I have a dirty mouth across the pond... Maybe this is why my British GPS disapproves of me, though I've noticed he seems to throw around the British curse words pretty willy nilly. I guess he thinks it's not ok for a lady. Yeah, I think he's rather stuffy, too.
So I've noticed that without fail I want to spell definitely with an "a"- Aka- definately. I want definitely to be related to defiantly, I think. Seems like they probably are... Like "definitely" and "defiantly" have the same great-great-great grandparents or something. You know, etymologically speaking.
Hells to the yeah, I did just have a reason to use the phrase "etymologically speaking."
Today I was at a cookout and it was muggy and hot and then I started to feel a few drops of rain... and I wondered if we would all run away to our respective burrows... (don't get me started on how I wish that we all really did live in something akin to a rabbit warren where all our houses were connected by underground passageways) and then I thought, "Wait... why not let it rain on me? It's crazy hot, and this will cool me off." I wish the sky had really opened up and let the rain rain rain come down down down... but it didn't. It was a brief respite that never really turned into anything.
I'm a little sad. I think I would have liked a deluge- at least I would have then. Seems like there might be something really freeing in letting oneself get caught in a rainstorm.
Perhaps that is an adventure to go on the list. Go out in a rainstorm.
I have a friend whose girlfriend is from Northern Ireland. I know, that's cool, right? She is in the States for a bit and I went to a party she was at yesterday and at some point the conversation went to all the differences in slang between the States/Northern Ireland/the rest of Ireland.
And "flip" is a curse word across the sea. I didn't know that, but I already use it as such relatively often, and honestly it just makes it more fun to me... Apparently I have a dirty mouth across the pond... Maybe this is why my British GPS disapproves of me, though I've noticed he seems to throw around the British curse words pretty willy nilly. I guess he thinks it's not ok for a lady. Yeah, I think he's rather stuffy, too.
So I've noticed that without fail I want to spell definitely with an "a"- Aka- definately. I want definitely to be related to defiantly, I think. Seems like they probably are... Like "definitely" and "defiantly" have the same great-great-great grandparents or something. You know, etymologically speaking.
Hells to the yeah, I did just have a reason to use the phrase "etymologically speaking."
Today I was at a cookout and it was muggy and hot and then I started to feel a few drops of rain... and I wondered if we would all run away to our respective burrows... (don't get me started on how I wish that we all really did live in something akin to a rabbit warren where all our houses were connected by underground passageways) and then I thought, "Wait... why not let it rain on me? It's crazy hot, and this will cool me off." I wish the sky had really opened up and let the rain rain rain come down down down... but it didn't. It was a brief respite that never really turned into anything.
I'm a little sad. I think I would have liked a deluge- at least I would have then. Seems like there might be something really freeing in letting oneself get caught in a rainstorm.
Perhaps that is an adventure to go on the list. Go out in a rainstorm.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Gradeschool memories...
Once upon a time when I was in grade school I had a nickname. I'm not really sure where this nickname came from but it seemed to catch on with the boys and soon most of them were calling me Chipmunk. I never really took it as an insult, though perhaps it was meant to be... I just thought it was because I was cute and small had chubby cheeks... I still kinda think of it as a term of endearment... I mean I had a friend who they called Medusa, so I figure Chipmunk isn't so bad. It fell out of vogue and was almost gone by the 4th grade, but every once in a while I remember my nickname and smile fondly and wonder where in the heck it came from.
Once in the third grade I was gone for a week to bring my Aunt Dawn back from college/ on vacation. And when I came back a boy loudly proclaimed, "Oh good! Renee is back- Let the fun begin!" Yes, I can tell you the boy's name, but since it's the internet he might not want it bandied about out here.
I'm remembering a lot about the third grade, apparently. That was also the year that I wore braid pigtails that I tucked the ends up so that I looked like Kirsten, who was an American Girl. I stopped doing it when I got called Leia on the playground. Morons! Couldn't they tell the difference between an American Girl doll and a Jedi Princess?!?
Third grade was also the last grade that I was in the low reading group... That year they had a reading program and tracked what I read and I blew the whole school out of the water by reading something like 14,500 pages. The next year I was assigned the same "low" reading group and the teacher took one look at me and said, "What are you doing here?" and then took me to the other classroom. I mean for heaven's sake, I was styling my hair like a Swedish immigrant from the 1850's that I read about. I feel this only supports my whole "slightly dyslexic" theory...
Oh, have you not heard about my theory? Well, here it is-- I think I'm slightly dyslexic. The end.
In addition, I'm also slightly hypochondriac-tic, but only in the ridiculous... So I will fear I've got the plague, or the black lung (like Zoolander), or scarlet fever, or tuberculosis, or cholera, or one of tons of other diseases that are pretty well wiped out and you only hear about when you play Oregon Trail for old times sake. So perhaps the "slight dyslexia" should be taken with a grain of salt. Not that they've managed to wipe out dyslexia.... I wish it was that easy!
Did I ever tell you that in kindergarten I had a crush on a boy in my class named Jason English... who was the grandson of my first grade teacher, Mrs. Dunn. Ya, I know, quite the co-winky-dink, eh?
Did I ever tell you that in the first grade I invented this weird form of dancing which basically consisted of me moving my feet up and down as fast as I humanly could... and somehow the rest of my classmates thought this was the coolest thing ever?
That same year someone came into talk to us about drugs and a classmate asked what being on drugs was like and the teacher pointed at a picture of a horse and said, "For example, someone on drugs might think that horse just moved." Then I saw the horse wink at me and for the rest of the year I couldn't look at that horse without imagining it moving.
The only conclusion that I can draw from these memories is that I was just as quirky in grade school as I am now.... If only I could have skipped that horrible awkward phase people like to call Jr. High/ High School...
Letting the quirky lantern shine on, since 1983,
Chipmunk
Once in the third grade I was gone for a week to bring my Aunt Dawn back from college/ on vacation. And when I came back a boy loudly proclaimed, "Oh good! Renee is back- Let the fun begin!" Yes, I can tell you the boy's name, but since it's the internet he might not want it bandied about out here.
I'm remembering a lot about the third grade, apparently. That was also the year that I wore braid pigtails that I tucked the ends up so that I looked like Kirsten, who was an American Girl. I stopped doing it when I got called Leia on the playground. Morons! Couldn't they tell the difference between an American Girl doll and a Jedi Princess?!?
 |
| These are not the braids you're looking for. |
Oh, have you not heard about my theory? Well, here it is-- I think I'm slightly dyslexic. The end.
In addition, I'm also slightly hypochondriac-tic, but only in the ridiculous... So I will fear I've got the plague, or the black lung (like Zoolander), or scarlet fever, or tuberculosis, or cholera, or one of tons of other diseases that are pretty well wiped out and you only hear about when you play Oregon Trail for old times sake. So perhaps the "slight dyslexia" should be taken with a grain of salt. Not that they've managed to wipe out dyslexia.... I wish it was that easy!
Did I ever tell you that in kindergarten I had a crush on a boy in my class named Jason English... who was the grandson of my first grade teacher, Mrs. Dunn. Ya, I know, quite the co-winky-dink, eh?
Did I ever tell you that in the first grade I invented this weird form of dancing which basically consisted of me moving my feet up and down as fast as I humanly could... and somehow the rest of my classmates thought this was the coolest thing ever?
That same year someone came into talk to us about drugs and a classmate asked what being on drugs was like and the teacher pointed at a picture of a horse and said, "For example, someone on drugs might think that horse just moved." Then I saw the horse wink at me and for the rest of the year I couldn't look at that horse without imagining it moving.
The only conclusion that I can draw from these memories is that I was just as quirky in grade school as I am now.... If only I could have skipped that horrible awkward phase people like to call Jr. High/ High School...
Letting the quirky lantern shine on, since 1983,
Chipmunk
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Lonliness and vampires
Went to the store tonight and bought gray nail polish.... well actually gray, black, and white nail polish. (3 colors, not one epic polish of wonder.)
The gray will make it's debut in the real world tomorrow at church. It's pretty.
I hate being alone. I hate not having someone around all the time... I found myself angry today. Perhaps I'm finally coming across the anger stage of grief... I was angry. Angry that I have to go to the store by myself. Angry that I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm in a checkout line in Wal-mart that is taking 400 years. Angry that I come home to an empty apartment and that there is only one pillow on my bed and that I don't have anyone to put my arm around their waist when I just want to lay in bed and think and accidentally fall asleep.
I so miss that. I so miss the companionship. Someone who would know if I'd eaten dinner yet... someone to worry about if they hadn't eaten dinner yet. Someone to hold me when I cry and to kiss my forehead and to tell me it's going to be ok. Of all the horrible things about death and cancer, for me the loneliness is the hardest... and the most impossible to fill... cause there just isn't anyone around at 1:15 AM when you desperately need a friend. And there are so few people who I can let see me cry... My pain feels so personal... So much of my life I live out on display. I'm willing to tell anyone just about anything.... things that others can't believe I would share, I have no compunction against... but the tears... to just sit and cry for completely selfish reasons... That's the stuff I keep inside.... until it's 3 in the morning and I can't blame it on lack of sleep or hunger or not getting enough vitamins or anything else in my huge repertoire of excuses... Until I have to admit that the reason why I'm crying is because I'm alone when I don't want to be, and I've been alone for longer than I ever thought I would have to be again, and I will be for as much of the future as I can foresee (which I admit isn't very far because I'm afraid to look farther into the future than a month or two.)
I know people make fun of it, but I know why Bella just laid down in the woods, and then went into a walking coma for months after Edward left... I'm not a Bella-type, but every once in a while the urge is still there, and I do *understand.* Maybe if I went into a walking coma I could wake back up around the time when someone started caring enough to pull me out of it, instead of having to be my own blasted rescue all the time.
Then again I think the girl who fights her way out is probably far more deserving of someone caring enough to want to protect her... and honestly werewolves aren't really my type. I've always been more a vampire girl.
The gray will make it's debut in the real world tomorrow at church. It's pretty.
I hate being alone. I hate not having someone around all the time... I found myself angry today. Perhaps I'm finally coming across the anger stage of grief... I was angry. Angry that I have to go to the store by myself. Angry that I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm in a checkout line in Wal-mart that is taking 400 years. Angry that I come home to an empty apartment and that there is only one pillow on my bed and that I don't have anyone to put my arm around their waist when I just want to lay in bed and think and accidentally fall asleep.
I so miss that. I so miss the companionship. Someone who would know if I'd eaten dinner yet... someone to worry about if they hadn't eaten dinner yet. Someone to hold me when I cry and to kiss my forehead and to tell me it's going to be ok. Of all the horrible things about death and cancer, for me the loneliness is the hardest... and the most impossible to fill... cause there just isn't anyone around at 1:15 AM when you desperately need a friend. And there are so few people who I can let see me cry... My pain feels so personal... So much of my life I live out on display. I'm willing to tell anyone just about anything.... things that others can't believe I would share, I have no compunction against... but the tears... to just sit and cry for completely selfish reasons... That's the stuff I keep inside.... until it's 3 in the morning and I can't blame it on lack of sleep or hunger or not getting enough vitamins or anything else in my huge repertoire of excuses... Until I have to admit that the reason why I'm crying is because I'm alone when I don't want to be, and I've been alone for longer than I ever thought I would have to be again, and I will be for as much of the future as I can foresee (which I admit isn't very far because I'm afraid to look farther into the future than a month or two.)
I know people make fun of it, but I know why Bella just laid down in the woods, and then went into a walking coma for months after Edward left... I'm not a Bella-type, but every once in a while the urge is still there, and I do *understand.* Maybe if I went into a walking coma I could wake back up around the time when someone started caring enough to pull me out of it, instead of having to be my own blasted rescue all the time.
Then again I think the girl who fights her way out is probably far more deserving of someone caring enough to want to protect her... and honestly werewolves aren't really my type. I've always been more a vampire girl.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Pumpkin the dog
Having a hard hour or so... went to the Bible, cause there aren't a lot of friends available to one at 2 AM...
Didn't actually find a whole lot of comfort, but I did find a picture stuck in the middle of Nathan's Bible of a dog named Pumpkin who has one brown eye and one blue.
Pumpkin is apparently part of the Oxford Health Care- Home Care and Hospice Program. He (or she) looks like a pretty genial chap.
Didn't actually find a whole lot of comfort, but I did find a picture stuck in the middle of Nathan's Bible of a dog named Pumpkin who has one brown eye and one blue.
Pumpkin is apparently part of the Oxford Health Care- Home Care and Hospice Program. He (or she) looks like a pretty genial chap.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Not a contenda'
Alas, I'm not a Blogger Idol finalist... ah well, so the cookie crumbles. Luckily, I know that you all still love me.
In other news... We may be done dealing with the insurance.... It's been nearly 5 months since Nathan died, and a heck of a lot longer since we started having issues.. like March of last year when he first started going to Barnes... but we may just be done dealing with the insurance issues... I have to write a letter and mail in a check for dr. visit co-pays... but then... it could be over. Oh happy day, it could be over.
Kara says I've been singing again. I hadn't noticed, but she tells me I've not sang for almost 2 years... When I say "singing" I mean randomly bursting into song and singing along to the radio... I knew I didn't do it as often... but I thought maybe I'd just grown out of it.. now I think it was because I was so stressed. Cancer changes so much about who you are... even just being in close proximity to it... it's like I had social chemo and I'm starting to regrow my personality again.
Today I got a call from a man who wanted help with a benevolence request, but who "didn't have time" to leave a message with me to pass along to the pastor, because he is "terminally ill and coming to the end of things" and needs help. I offered 3 times to get Tim a message, but he couldn't be bothered with that, because he didn't have time to wait... and then he asked if Tim would be in tomorrow. I got irritated, though I tried to remain polite as he hung up with me. If that's the way he feels he has to play it that's fine, but good luck actually catching Tim when he is availiable... He's not in the office that often and when he is, he's got meetings.
The moral of the story is... do not scorn the gatekeeper because you want to talk to the King.
Yeah, I came up with that one on the fly just now... perhaps I need to go to bed?
In other news... We may be done dealing with the insurance.... It's been nearly 5 months since Nathan died, and a heck of a lot longer since we started having issues.. like March of last year when he first started going to Barnes... but we may just be done dealing with the insurance issues... I have to write a letter and mail in a check for dr. visit co-pays... but then... it could be over. Oh happy day, it could be over.
Kara says I've been singing again. I hadn't noticed, but she tells me I've not sang for almost 2 years... When I say "singing" I mean randomly bursting into song and singing along to the radio... I knew I didn't do it as often... but I thought maybe I'd just grown out of it.. now I think it was because I was so stressed. Cancer changes so much about who you are... even just being in close proximity to it... it's like I had social chemo and I'm starting to regrow my personality again.
Today I got a call from a man who wanted help with a benevolence request, but who "didn't have time" to leave a message with me to pass along to the pastor, because he is "terminally ill and coming to the end of things" and needs help. I offered 3 times to get Tim a message, but he couldn't be bothered with that, because he didn't have time to wait... and then he asked if Tim would be in tomorrow. I got irritated, though I tried to remain polite as he hung up with me. If that's the way he feels he has to play it that's fine, but good luck actually catching Tim when he is availiable... He's not in the office that often and when he is, he's got meetings.
The moral of the story is... do not scorn the gatekeeper because you want to talk to the King.
Yeah, I came up with that one on the fly just now... perhaps I need to go to bed?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Sister, songs, and squad
Spoke to my sister online tonight for about an hour...
The thing about sisters is that no matter how little you talk to each other, they still know you so well. There is so little you can say that will surprise them and once you grow past the age of trying to make them angry at every possible moment (and vice versa) the knowledge that is gained by having the same upbringing is invaluable. There are things about me that no one else in the world will ever quite understand the way that Rhonda does. She has been right by my side through some really hard stuff this year (literally), but she still sees me for exactly who I am and who I am not, not some construct that she's created in her own mind of who I should be. She doesn't push me but she's always right there if I need her, and I'm pretty well insanely grateful that I have such a wonderful girl to always have my back.
I'm almost done with the work on the game now.. just a few more hours of cleaning up text from what I imagined to what is actually possible, and I will be done. I've really enjoyed working on it, and I'm sad that it's going to be over soon. I mean besides the fact that it's just fun to say I'm working on a video game, I really enjoy doing it. I will let you know when I have more information to release.
Oh here is something to share with you all- A very cool video of a song spliced together from a bunch of Disney movies... I love it. And check out his other stuff, too... Lots of songs from nostalgic movies!
I've been going to bed at a far more reasonable time than had been my norm over the past month or so, so I think I will leave it here for now... Results for "Blogger Idol" will be out on Friday... I'm really curious to see if I made the cut or not.... and if there is a Steven Tyler lecherous old man judge... cause that would be kinda funny. I hope there isn't a Randy, cause for me for him I just think he's a'ight, dawg. Ya know what I'm saying?
In other news, who is surprised that all the contestants on "The Voice" who won America's vote the first time won it the second time? Not me. I really like the show but the elimination process is kinda whack.
Wiggity whack?
Nope, just regular type.
The thing about sisters is that no matter how little you talk to each other, they still know you so well. There is so little you can say that will surprise them and once you grow past the age of trying to make them angry at every possible moment (and vice versa) the knowledge that is gained by having the same upbringing is invaluable. There are things about me that no one else in the world will ever quite understand the way that Rhonda does. She has been right by my side through some really hard stuff this year (literally), but she still sees me for exactly who I am and who I am not, not some construct that she's created in her own mind of who I should be. She doesn't push me but she's always right there if I need her, and I'm pretty well insanely grateful that I have such a wonderful girl to always have my back.
I'm almost done with the work on the game now.. just a few more hours of cleaning up text from what I imagined to what is actually possible, and I will be done. I've really enjoyed working on it, and I'm sad that it's going to be over soon. I mean besides the fact that it's just fun to say I'm working on a video game, I really enjoy doing it. I will let you know when I have more information to release.
Oh here is something to share with you all- A very cool video of a song spliced together from a bunch of Disney movies... I love it. And check out his other stuff, too... Lots of songs from nostalgic movies!
I've been going to bed at a far more reasonable time than had been my norm over the past month or so, so I think I will leave it here for now... Results for "Blogger Idol" will be out on Friday... I'm really curious to see if I made the cut or not.... and if there is a Steven Tyler lecherous old man judge... cause that would be kinda funny. I hope there isn't a Randy, cause for me for him I just think he's a'ight, dawg. Ya know what I'm saying?
In other news, who is surprised that all the contestants on "The Voice" who won America's vote the first time won it the second time? Not me. I really like the show but the elimination process is kinda whack.
Wiggity whack?
Nope, just regular type.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Fear
Went to the Precious Moments Chapel today in Carthage. Carthage, for those of you who don't know, is just a hop, skip, and jump away from Joplin and we went to see our family who live between the two. Something I almost talked about last night, but was feeling just a tad too emotional to put into words was my dread of the next day. Why? Well, I'm afraid of Joplin.
There, I said it.
I am. I'm really afraid of Joplin. Not because of anything about the place or the people, but because I'm afraid of the triggers. I'm afraid of their tragedy, because I'm afraid of it bringing my own pain/hurt/stuff to the surface. And when I get afraid of one thing I think about all the things I'm afraid of... and let me tell you, there is a heck of a lot that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of having a life defined by a death. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid I'll only ever be "ok" and never be really happy again (Please don't get me wrong, I'm not desolate and I still have a lot of moments of joy in my life... but my base/default emotion is not what it once was.) I'm afraid of never again having someone to be vulnerable and safe with. I'm afraid of cancer... I'm so flipping afraid of cancer and losing someone else. I'm just afraid of losing someone else in general, no matter the method. I'm afraid of not having someone to lean on when that does eventually happen. I'm afraid of being needy and dependent. I'm afraid of hurting people, I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of telling the truth and being judged for it, I'm afraid of not telling the truth and not being myself. I'm afraid of not being understood and not understanding, of being right and being wrong.
I'm afraid I might never meet Darren Criss (from Glee), so he will never fall in love and propose to me after talking to me for a mere hour.
I can tell Darren is also afraid of this. Look at his eyes. It's obvious.
I'm afraid that even joking about that just now has made someone pull back in shock or disgust. But do you know what it's like to lose your best friend, your love, and your constant companion all in one blow? It's devastatingly lonely, because the only one who could be your rock and make it just a little bit more ok is the one who isn't here to help. I'm (nearly, only) 28. I haven't lived a good long life. My husband didn't die because of old age. We were completely devoted to each other... completely in love.. I think if you ever saw us together that would have been very obvious... but he's gone now and I'm still here, and I have the rest of my life stretching before me like a surrealist painting that I'm not sure if I should be excited for or terrified of... And if Darren tries to sweep me off my feet, I'm not going to say no, just because I once was married to a wonderful guy, who wanted me to be ok if he had to leave me.
Nathan was not my life. I want to scream that from the rooftops sometimes. Nathan was my love but he was not my life or my soul. If he was then I wouldn't still be here, or if I was I would be in some hospital room, in a coma for the next 50 years or so, a living shell. Sometimes that would be a heck of a lot easier than dealing with everything as it stands, but I would never have wanted that for Nathan if our circumstances were reversed and he didn't want that for me.
So, if you have to judge me, please do so now, while I can't see your face. Cause I do care what you think, but the only person who gets to decide when I'm ready to date/be in a relationship is me (and the Good Lord, so pray for His timing if you think mine seems questionable). Not random rules, not grief books, not well-meaning friends. Welcome to my assertion of independence.
Table for unprovoked belligerence, party of one?
We didn't actually go to Joplin today... just got really close. I was so relieved... and maybe that's a lesson in and of itself... Perhaps the thing that we dread (like admitting to all the people who read your blog that you want to date and find someone and be swept off your feet, again) isn't actually a reason to fear, after all.
There, I said it.
I am. I'm really afraid of Joplin. Not because of anything about the place or the people, but because I'm afraid of the triggers. I'm afraid of their tragedy, because I'm afraid of it bringing my own pain/hurt/stuff to the surface. And when I get afraid of one thing I think about all the things I'm afraid of... and let me tell you, there is a heck of a lot that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of having a life defined by a death. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid I'll only ever be "ok" and never be really happy again (Please don't get me wrong, I'm not desolate and I still have a lot of moments of joy in my life... but my base/default emotion is not what it once was.) I'm afraid of never again having someone to be vulnerable and safe with. I'm afraid of cancer... I'm so flipping afraid of cancer and losing someone else. I'm just afraid of losing someone else in general, no matter the method. I'm afraid of not having someone to lean on when that does eventually happen. I'm afraid of being needy and dependent. I'm afraid of hurting people, I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of telling the truth and being judged for it, I'm afraid of not telling the truth and not being myself. I'm afraid of not being understood and not understanding, of being right and being wrong.
I'm afraid I might never meet Darren Criss (from Glee), so he will never fall in love and propose to me after talking to me for a mere hour.
I'm afraid that even joking about that just now has made someone pull back in shock or disgust. But do you know what it's like to lose your best friend, your love, and your constant companion all in one blow? It's devastatingly lonely, because the only one who could be your rock and make it just a little bit more ok is the one who isn't here to help. I'm (nearly, only) 28. I haven't lived a good long life. My husband didn't die because of old age. We were completely devoted to each other... completely in love.. I think if you ever saw us together that would have been very obvious... but he's gone now and I'm still here, and I have the rest of my life stretching before me like a surrealist painting that I'm not sure if I should be excited for or terrified of... And if Darren tries to sweep me off my feet, I'm not going to say no, just because I once was married to a wonderful guy, who wanted me to be ok if he had to leave me.
Nathan was not my life. I want to scream that from the rooftops sometimes. Nathan was my love but he was not my life or my soul. If he was then I wouldn't still be here, or if I was I would be in some hospital room, in a coma for the next 50 years or so, a living shell. Sometimes that would be a heck of a lot easier than dealing with everything as it stands, but I would never have wanted that for Nathan if our circumstances were reversed and he didn't want that for me.
So, if you have to judge me, please do so now, while I can't see your face. Cause I do care what you think, but the only person who gets to decide when I'm ready to date/be in a relationship is me (and the Good Lord, so pray for His timing if you think mine seems questionable). Not random rules, not grief books, not well-meaning friends. Welcome to my assertion of independence.
Table for unprovoked belligerence, party of one?
We didn't actually go to Joplin today... just got really close. I was so relieved... and maybe that's a lesson in and of itself... Perhaps the thing that we dread (like admitting to all the people who read your blog that you want to date and find someone and be swept off your feet, again) isn't actually a reason to fear, after all.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Phenomenal Zygomatic Arch Flares!
My pinkie nails are now shorter than they were.. I broke the tip off of one, and then I filed the other down to match because the symmetry of my hands matters to me more than it probably should.
I took out my contacts tonight. (Quite a feat with my fingernails!) I forget how weird I think I look with glasses... not bad, just weird
See? Weird.
You know what my favorite feature of mine is? Well, my eyes, actually, good guess. You know what my second favorite feature is? The hollow beneath my cheekbones. Dunno why but I love it. Apparently it's produced because I have exaggerated "zygomatic arch flares." Who knew? Thanks Google.
I swear, no pictures of myself shall be posted on tomorrow's blog... I'm apparently just having a couple of inspired days.
It's really good to be known. Cause sometimes you start to doubt yourself or try to make yourself into something other than what you are when all you really want is to be reassured that the things you already know are still true. Sorry, that sounds really vague.. I don't mean it to be. I'm just trying to say that I wasn't built for being alone, and I'm so grateful for friends who can reassure me that it's ok to not like being alone. I will never be able to replace Nathan... nor do I want to try. I'm pretty sure I will think of Nathan at least once every day for the rest of my life. But that doesn't mean there isn't room in my heart for someone else, and there is certainly a gaping hole in my life where a relationship once stood. Being alone is not something I want-- and I hope that doesn't offend or hurt anyone, but it's true. I am currently alone and I can deal with it for as long as I have to, but it isn't what I want. I want to fill that hole. I want to have a new space in my heart carved out for someone worthy- You know, a guy who's up to the risk and rewards of such an incredible girl and her amazing exaggerated zygomatic arch flares.
I took out my contacts tonight. (Quite a feat with my fingernails!) I forget how weird I think I look with glasses... not bad, just weird
You know what my favorite feature of mine is? Well, my eyes, actually, good guess. You know what my second favorite feature is? The hollow beneath my cheekbones. Dunno why but I love it. Apparently it's produced because I have exaggerated "zygomatic arch flares." Who knew? Thanks Google.
I swear, no pictures of myself shall be posted on tomorrow's blog... I'm apparently just having a couple of inspired days.
It's really good to be known. Cause sometimes you start to doubt yourself or try to make yourself into something other than what you are when all you really want is to be reassured that the things you already know are still true. Sorry, that sounds really vague.. I don't mean it to be. I'm just trying to say that I wasn't built for being alone, and I'm so grateful for friends who can reassure me that it's ok to not like being alone. I will never be able to replace Nathan... nor do I want to try. I'm pretty sure I will think of Nathan at least once every day for the rest of my life. But that doesn't mean there isn't room in my heart for someone else, and there is certainly a gaping hole in my life where a relationship once stood. Being alone is not something I want-- and I hope that doesn't offend or hurt anyone, but it's true. I am currently alone and I can deal with it for as long as I have to, but it isn't what I want. I want to fill that hole. I want to have a new space in my heart carved out for someone worthy- You know, a guy who's up to the risk and rewards of such an incredible girl and her amazing exaggerated zygomatic arch flares.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Father's Day, bossy legs, and one dang cute ponytail
Happy Father's Day!
Well, yes, I realize to that the rest of the world it's actually the day after Father's Day, but I don't count that ship as having sailed until I go to bed for the night. So, as I'm still in my pjs and still at the computer it's still Father's Day in my own little corner of the world. And I would like to take this moment to tell my two fathers (despite the fact that I'm pretty sure only one of them reads my blog) that I love them both very much. Both of them are the strong silent type so it's not like we talk about it very often, but I think the world of them, despite the fact that I don't call... I'm just not big on phone calls... I'm like an 80 year old man that way. Still it in no way reduces my love for them, which is very great.
Ya'll really care about my hair, right? I thought so, that's why I'm going to tell you about it. Today I wore my hair in three low buns. All day long. Then this evening I got home, and took them out and put my hair up to work on computer stuff... and low and behold. The cutest ponytail known to man was born atop my head. And there I am at home at midnight with nary a place to go to show off my most majestic of hair-dos. And the really sad part? I can't take a good picture of it because it's on the back of my head.
So basically I took a million pictures that ended up looking something akin to this... And trust me this does not do the cuteness justice.
Well, yes, I realize to that the rest of the world it's actually the day after Father's Day, but I don't count that ship as having sailed until I go to bed for the night. So, as I'm still in my pjs and still at the computer it's still Father's Day in my own little corner of the world. And I would like to take this moment to tell my two fathers (despite the fact that I'm pretty sure only one of them reads my blog) that I love them both very much. Both of them are the strong silent type so it's not like we talk about it very often, but I think the world of them, despite the fact that I don't call... I'm just not big on phone calls... I'm like an 80 year old man that way. Still it in no way reduces my love for them, which is very great.
Ya'll really care about my hair, right? I thought so, that's why I'm going to tell you about it. Today I wore my hair in three low buns. All day long. Then this evening I got home, and took them out and put my hair up to work on computer stuff... and low and behold. The cutest ponytail known to man was born atop my head. And there I am at home at midnight with nary a place to go to show off my most majestic of hair-dos. And the really sad part? I can't take a good picture of it because it's on the back of my head.
And then I took this one, in which you cannot see the ponytail really at all, but my Aunt Dawn tells me I look beautiful... I think I look sleepy, but I prefer beautiful, so we are gonna go with that one.
Also my momma is in town with a family friend for the next few days, so I'm gonna be a busy bee this week... well, I've kinda been a busy bee lately in general, but it's not slowing down this week, apparently. Leastaways not till Thursday.
So... 7 ish hours of house painting... I thought my arms would be sore, but oh heaven's no, it's my legs... Dang is it my legs... You see all 5'3 and 3/4 of me had to hop up and down on a stool a lot to paint things higher than my head... and my legs are not used to stool hopping. They are vehemently protesting me today, but it was worth it. You can't tell me what to do, legs! You aren't the boss of me!
Ouch! Ok, ok, you can tell me what to do a little bit... Guess there isn't a stair-climbing marathon in my near future. There is no justice in the world.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Somethin' special
So, by accidentally sleeping through my blog post last night (sorry, didn't mean to worry you all!) I was able to get 10.5 hours of sleep and still be up and around at 9:30. Then I worked on the video game for an hour and a half, and then I altered a dress for Kara, and then I went to the house of some friends and helped them paint for approximately 7 hours. It was a good day. There is something I really like about painting... I find it rather soothing. I think it's just something that Mom/Mom, Rhonda, and I did so often growing up that I really have strong associations with positive memories. Plus, I love being able to step back and see all the work that I've accomplished/helped to accomplish. And people are always insanely grateful for your help so you kinda feel like a super hero... a paint splattered, really sweaty and gross superhero. Also, I feel like I'm working out but with an actual purpose rather than just to do it.. and I don't feel bad about making 3 chocolate chip cookies to eat, tonight. (Tub o' pre-made cookie dough... best *and* worst invention ever!)
After painting I came home and took a cold shower.... One of the things I really like about summer is taking a cold shower after a hot day.... I realize there are a lot of people out there who find that strange, but I really like cold to cool showers. I think it's because I really dislike sweating and a cool shower both washes away sweat, and lowers my body temperature, meaning I will be less likely to sweat the rest of the day. And it's just so gosh darn refreshing.
Some events of the past few days have made me realize some things. 1) My tolerance for awkward situations is extremely high. 2) I'm a very open person. 3) I'm a straight shooter. Now maybe I already knew this about myself, but the past few days have really driven it home to me. I'd rather the truth just be out so that everyone can deal with it. I think a lot of time non-issues become issues because people are afraid of the awkward. Where as I dive right into the awkward like it's a ball pit.... (Side note: Dang... ball pits! Where is an adult ball pit? That sounds like mondo fun. Who's with me!?!) Anyway. I'd rather just be open and honest and say what I think than keep it inside to turn into a thing. The exception to this, is of course, if the openness and honesty is going to hurt someone's feelings...Then I'm not a fan at all. Cause hurting people isn't going to make a person feel free, and I think that's really what I'm after. The freedom to be who I am... All wonderful, crazy, awkward, clumsy, glorious me. Me, Sammy Davis Jr, and Finn. We gotta be we.
Gosh, I really do think I'm something special, don't I? Of course, I also think you are something special, so it all works out. Really, you know that, don't you? I think you are something special. I really truly do.
After painting I came home and took a cold shower.... One of the things I really like about summer is taking a cold shower after a hot day.... I realize there are a lot of people out there who find that strange, but I really like cold to cool showers. I think it's because I really dislike sweating and a cool shower both washes away sweat, and lowers my body temperature, meaning I will be less likely to sweat the rest of the day. And it's just so gosh darn refreshing.
Some events of the past few days have made me realize some things. 1) My tolerance for awkward situations is extremely high. 2) I'm a very open person. 3) I'm a straight shooter. Now maybe I already knew this about myself, but the past few days have really driven it home to me. I'd rather the truth just be out so that everyone can deal with it. I think a lot of time non-issues become issues because people are afraid of the awkward. Where as I dive right into the awkward like it's a ball pit.... (Side note: Dang... ball pits! Where is an adult ball pit? That sounds like mondo fun. Who's with me!?!) Anyway. I'd rather just be open and honest and say what I think than keep it inside to turn into a thing. The exception to this, is of course, if the openness and honesty is going to hurt someone's feelings...Then I'm not a fan at all. Cause hurting people isn't going to make a person feel free, and I think that's really what I'm after. The freedom to be who I am... All wonderful, crazy, awkward, clumsy, glorious me. Me, Sammy Davis Jr, and Finn. We gotta be we.
Gosh, I really do think I'm something special, don't I? Of course, I also think you are something special, so it all works out. Really, you know that, don't you? I think you are something special. I really truly do.
Just a hypothetical question...
You ever have one of those days where you go and play a video game on your bed and fall asleep at 11 o'clock.... then you wake up at 3:30 and think... "I didn't blog tonight!" and you almost decide to get up and do it but then reconsider when you realize that your blog would basically consist of "mmmmmuuuuurgh" because your brain isn't actually functioning. So instead you turn off all the lights that were on all over your house, change into pjs and fall back into bed and back asleep in less than 5 minutes?
Yeah, me either.. that's never happened to me.
I think the moral of my story is: Don't play video games on your bed. It is far too warm and cozy for your own good.
Yeah, me either.. that's never happened to me.
I think the moral of my story is: Don't play video games on your bed. It is far too warm and cozy for your own good.
Friday, June 17, 2011
With special guest appearance by my British GPS
Today, I saw a build of the game I've been working on. Twas quite thrilling to see the characters say things that I wrote, and do things I came up with. It's gonna be a fun game... even if it is for the childrens. You should all buy it... you know, once I tell you what it is and it's actually released.
On to important news:
Today is a momentous occasion. Today marks the birth of two very special ladies in my life.
The first is my mother, who was born on this day more than 30 years ago... but not that many more...
The second is my bff Kara, who was born on this day less than 30 years ago... much much less.
I love them both muchly, and I'll see my mom on Sunday when she rolls into town... Kara, I shall see tomorrow when I roll out of bed, because we are going to go on birthday errands. It will be very exciting I'm sure. :)
Also, today someone commented on my blog and said she felt like a stalker, because she found my blog through a friend of a friend and has been reading it since then. Here is the thing. Her comment made my day. I love that there are people out there who are reading my blog who I don't know personally. It validates me, gives me warm fuzzies, and makes me convinced that if the Taliban got to know me they really would like me. So, if you read my blog and we are like the hummingbirds who had also never met, (once again, if you haven't seen it before, go read this) don't be scared or shy! Keep reading! Throw a comment out there every once in a while! I promise not to judge you, except to think that you are cool cause you are taking the time to read and comment on my blog. Unless you don't want to be thought of as cool, because you are a hipster and too many people want to be cool for cool to be cool anymore. (Didja follow that one?) If that is the case then I just won't judge you at all.. it's not really my style anyway. I like you too much to judge you.
Fo shizzle, yo diggity.
My British GPS is shaking his head in disgust and muttering about "lady drivers and people who insist on speaking absolute bullocks."
Well, then, until next time, mates! Cheerio!
On to important news:
Today is a momentous occasion. Today marks the birth of two very special ladies in my life.
The first is my mother, who was born on this day more than 30 years ago... but not that many more...
The second is my bff Kara, who was born on this day less than 30 years ago... much much less.
I love them both muchly, and I'll see my mom on Sunday when she rolls into town... Kara, I shall see tomorrow when I roll out of bed, because we are going to go on birthday errands. It will be very exciting I'm sure. :)
Also, today someone commented on my blog and said she felt like a stalker, because she found my blog through a friend of a friend and has been reading it since then. Here is the thing. Her comment made my day. I love that there are people out there who are reading my blog who I don't know personally. It validates me, gives me warm fuzzies, and makes me convinced that if the Taliban got to know me they really would like me. So, if you read my blog and we are like the hummingbirds who had also never met, (once again, if you haven't seen it before, go read this) don't be scared or shy! Keep reading! Throw a comment out there every once in a while! I promise not to judge you, except to think that you are cool cause you are taking the time to read and comment on my blog. Unless you don't want to be thought of as cool, because you are a hipster and too many people want to be cool for cool to be cool anymore. (Didja follow that one?) If that is the case then I just won't judge you at all.. it's not really my style anyway. I like you too much to judge you.
Fo shizzle, yo diggity.
My British GPS is shaking his head in disgust and muttering about "lady drivers and people who insist on speaking absolute bullocks."
Well, then, until next time, mates! Cheerio!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I could be a contenda'
If you go to my actual blog to read it, rather than in something akin to Google Reader, you may notice my new little button on the left side there, under my followers. You see, I read someone else's blog (hi Cmom!) who told me about this contest... and I thought, "what the heck! I might as well try!"
So this afternoon I took my guest blog from in early May and I reworked it a bit and cut it down to 500 words... And let me tell you, that was *way* down. And then I submitted it to Blogger Idol. And now I just have to sit here for 5 days and not bite my beautiful fingernails, because my manicurist isn't going to want to put fake nails on my fingers again. It can't hurt, you know, and maybe I will find new blogs to enjoy and new people to enjoy my blog... and maybe nothing will come of it, but at least I'm trying... Don't want to have a lot of what ifs in my life. And this seems pretty low risk, even if I am telling you all about it. I know you'll still love me even if I never make something of myself. :)
In other news, I would like to endorse a product:
I love this. I bought it at Barnes and Noble and I think it's a wonderful thing to keep in my purse. This little box of questions is part game, part conversation starter, and all glorious interaction. It gets people talking about themselves, you learn interesting tidbits, and get lost on rabbit trails that take you halfway to Wonderland before you realize you've gone off the path.
For example, tonight we played with it and my favorite question was, "Humbleness aside, what do you in all honesty think is your most likable quality?"
I liked hearing what others said, even though "humblebility" isn't a word. Unconditional positive regard, mothering instincts, humor, honesty, ect... there are so many reasons to like people!
Now as an extrovert (or is it as a perceiver?) I had a hard time coming up with an answer for myself, but I have nice friends who offered up suggestions and then warned me not to get a big head. (Little did that person know I already have a ginormous noggin. No really, I do. Seriously. I blogged about it. I blogged about it not just once. I blogged about it 3 times. But that was quite some time ago, so it only makes sense that it should come back around again. It just took 9 months to make the full circle of my gargantuan cranium.) Anyway, the suggestion that I settled on was my sincerity. I like that quite a bit, so it makes sense that others would like that about me. There isn't a lot about me that is hidden. I'd rather people just know who I am... It isn't so much that I'm honest, though I mainly am... it's more just that I'm genuine.. or at least I try to be. How very post modern of me. I just be who I am, who I is. :) The other suggestion was my humor. :D I'm happy to accept that, cause it means that someone else thinks I'm funny besides myself. Speaking of finding oneself funny, Melissa found a quote today on pinterest that I feel should be shared (though I'm editing the language)
"Why does Facebook let me like my own status? Of course I like my status. I'm freaking hilarious. And sexy."
And that my friends is where I take my leave. Stay hilarious... and sexy.
So this afternoon I took my guest blog from in early May and I reworked it a bit and cut it down to 500 words... And let me tell you, that was *way* down. And then I submitted it to Blogger Idol. And now I just have to sit here for 5 days and not bite my beautiful fingernails, because my manicurist isn't going to want to put fake nails on my fingers again. It can't hurt, you know, and maybe I will find new blogs to enjoy and new people to enjoy my blog... and maybe nothing will come of it, but at least I'm trying... Don't want to have a lot of what ifs in my life. And this seems pretty low risk, even if I am telling you all about it. I know you'll still love me even if I never make something of myself. :)
In other news, I would like to endorse a product:
For example, tonight we played with it and my favorite question was, "Humbleness aside, what do you in all honesty think is your most likable quality?"
I liked hearing what others said, even though "humblebility" isn't a word. Unconditional positive regard, mothering instincts, humor, honesty, ect... there are so many reasons to like people!
Now as an extrovert (or is it as a perceiver?) I had a hard time coming up with an answer for myself, but I have nice friends who offered up suggestions and then warned me not to get a big head. (Little did that person know I already have a ginormous noggin. No really, I do. Seriously. I blogged about it. I blogged about it not just once. I blogged about it 3 times. But that was quite some time ago, so it only makes sense that it should come back around again. It just took 9 months to make the full circle of my gargantuan cranium.) Anyway, the suggestion that I settled on was my sincerity. I like that quite a bit, so it makes sense that others would like that about me. There isn't a lot about me that is hidden. I'd rather people just know who I am... It isn't so much that I'm honest, though I mainly am... it's more just that I'm genuine.. or at least I try to be. How very post modern of me. I just be who I am, who I is. :) The other suggestion was my humor. :D I'm happy to accept that, cause it means that someone else thinks I'm funny besides myself. Speaking of finding oneself funny, Melissa found a quote today on pinterest that I feel should be shared (though I'm editing the language)
"Why does Facebook let me like my own status? Of course I like my status. I'm freaking hilarious. And sexy."
And that my friends is where I take my leave. Stay hilarious... and sexy.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ready for the magic
I can't even begin to explain how often I see God's hand in the way that events transpire in my life. Seems so often I get a pick-me-up message just when my life is the feeling the hardest. And I can feel the love of God... and not just the love, but the simple caring... like it matters to Him if I'm having a bad day... And when I can't rely on anyone else to care about the mundane nothing of my life... He does.
It's kind of ridiculous how easy it is for me to define my own life by others. By that I mean- who am I? I'm my mother's daughter, I'm Rhonda's older sister, I'm Kara's best friend. I'm a caretaker, I'm a hostess, I'm a giver. But I'm not sure who I am without others.. I'm not sure what I want out of life besides to matter to others.
I watched the Voyage of the Dawn Treader today... It was decent... they left a whole heck of a lot out.. but I so identify with Lucy. I'm not sure, as the oldest of two why I most identify with the youngest of 4, but I do... something about the desire to believe in the impossible? Who knows.
The rain is making applesauce.
I'm ready for some magic in my life now. I'm ready for the magic in the good sense. I've been besieged by evil for long enough. I've had enough of the pain and the fear and the soul-wrenching sorrow. I'm ready for the fairy godmothers, and the transformations, and the sparkles of life living up to it's fullest potential. I'm ready for the happy. I long for it... I don't want to have to be strong anymore... I want to be in a place where I can lay down my arms... where my strength isn't required. I want to be able to choose to fight... to not have to fight, because there is no other option.
It's kind of ridiculous how easy it is for me to define my own life by others. By that I mean- who am I? I'm my mother's daughter, I'm Rhonda's older sister, I'm Kara's best friend. I'm a caretaker, I'm a hostess, I'm a giver. But I'm not sure who I am without others.. I'm not sure what I want out of life besides to matter to others.
I watched the Voyage of the Dawn Treader today... It was decent... they left a whole heck of a lot out.. but I so identify with Lucy. I'm not sure, as the oldest of two why I most identify with the youngest of 4, but I do... something about the desire to believe in the impossible? Who knows.
The rain is making applesauce.
I'm ready for some magic in my life now. I'm ready for the magic in the good sense. I've been besieged by evil for long enough. I've had enough of the pain and the fear and the soul-wrenching sorrow. I'm ready for the fairy godmothers, and the transformations, and the sparkles of life living up to it's fullest potential. I'm ready for the happy. I long for it... I don't want to have to be strong anymore... I want to be in a place where I can lay down my arms... where my strength isn't required. I want to be able to choose to fight... to not have to fight, because there is no other option.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
If it takes us miles...
Once upon a time in my second to first blog post I talked about songs that catch in your heart. One of my favorites, "Both Sides, Now" by Joni Mitchell is one that I mentioned then. I've been enamored with that song since the moment I heard it. I was thinking and I've had a lot of songs stick on me, lately... probably because music is healing for the soul... But I find myself returning to old favorites tonight. My kindred songs if you will. For example: Solla Sollew.
Seussical has a lot of wonderful songs... but this one... I wish Horton was a girl so I could sing it in a show.... or that I was tapped to do a Broadway review and could sing anything I wanted... I think I would choose Solla Sollew. Haunting. I love songs that are haunting.
Ok I was going to try and resist... but I can't. I have to go to "Both Sides" now that I've mentioned it... But really... Maybe it loses something away from the music... but the music always plays in my head (This is the only rendition of my favorite version I could find on youtube... it has some "Sense and Sensibility" splicing at the beginning. -skip to 1:00, and if you know the music, feel free to ignore)
Anyway, read this. There is something in there... something that wends its way around your soul.
But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.
"I've looked at life from both sides now." I have. And I hope that I don't sound pretentious when I say that... but I *feel* it. Maybe it's growing up... maybe it's perspective... maybe it's all an illusion. I don't really know. Maybe I just need to find my Solla Sollew.
Maybe I *am* one of the emos I chuckle so fondly at.
Seussical has a lot of wonderful songs... but this one... I wish Horton was a girl so I could sing it in a show.... or that I was tapped to do a Broadway review and could sing anything I wanted... I think I would choose Solla Sollew. Haunting. I love songs that are haunting.
Ok I was going to try and resist... but I can't. I have to go to "Both Sides" now that I've mentioned it... But really... Maybe it loses something away from the music... but the music always plays in my head (This is the only rendition of my favorite version I could find on youtube... it has some "Sense and Sensibility" splicing at the beginning. -skip to 1:00, and if you know the music, feel free to ignore)
Anyway, read this. There is something in there... something that wends its way around your soul.
But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.
"I've looked at life from both sides now." I have. And I hope that I don't sound pretentious when I say that... but I *feel* it. Maybe it's growing up... maybe it's perspective... maybe it's all an illusion. I don't really know. Maybe I just need to find my Solla Sollew.
Maybe I *am* one of the emos I chuckle so fondly at.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Here's to you, box clickers!
This post is dedicated to all those lovely people who click on one of those little reaction boxes underneath my posts. I don't know if there are just 4 of you who are really good about clicking the boxes, or if there are many of you and it just so happens that about 4 people per post click a box, but here's to you. I don't always remember to look back at my blogs everyday but when I do it always makes me happy to see the boxes have been clicked. So for you, and because Kara says I just leave it there to make myself feel good, I have removed the "lame post" option. She's right, no one ever clicks it, anyway.
Did I tell you that Nathan's diploma came in the mail? Well, technically it came when I wasn't home so I had to go pick it up at the post office... I haven't actually opened it yet. I know I should, but I don't really want to. The Postman who gave it to me told me congratulations... I just said thank you.
I was reminded this morning by one of "my kids" about how when I was teaching they used to walk into my classroom and yell, "Time for my daily dose of vitamin 'D'! " (They called me Mrs. D... don't ask me why because Dunn isn't exactly tough to say.) It made me smile then, and it still does, now. I know I only taught for 2 years but I had some really great kids.
Plus, I'm not sure if you got the memo, but I'm kinda awesome... at least I am approximately 70% of the time or more.
Must needs go to sleep before 4 more than once this week... As it is currently 4:02 it doesn't look as though I'll make it today. Not an auspicious start to the week.
Well, tomorrow is a new day... As Anne says, "fresh without any mistakes in it."
Wait... it's already tomorrow. Dang it!
I'm not sure how I get myself into these situations.
Did I tell you that Nathan's diploma came in the mail? Well, technically it came when I wasn't home so I had to go pick it up at the post office... I haven't actually opened it yet. I know I should, but I don't really want to. The Postman who gave it to me told me congratulations... I just said thank you.
I was reminded this morning by one of "my kids" about how when I was teaching they used to walk into my classroom and yell, "Time for my daily dose of vitamin 'D'! " (They called me Mrs. D... don't ask me why because Dunn isn't exactly tough to say.) It made me smile then, and it still does, now. I know I only taught for 2 years but I had some really great kids.
Plus, I'm not sure if you got the memo, but I'm kinda awesome... at least I am approximately 70% of the time or more.
Must needs go to sleep before 4 more than once this week... As it is currently 4:02 it doesn't look as though I'll make it today. Not an auspicious start to the week.
Well, tomorrow is a new day... As Anne says, "fresh without any mistakes in it."
Wait... it's already tomorrow. Dang it!
I'm not sure how I get myself into these situations.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Care Bear Stare!
The problem with Rock Band is that I don't know enough of the songs. As I said tonight, what I need is Pop Band. I could really kick butt at Pop Band. Kick butt and flash devil horns. Yeah.
I burnt my tongue on soup tonight. Like my whole tongue. I didn't even know the soup was that hot. How do I do these things?
By the way, "cursing up a blue streak." This came up in conversation tonight, and someone asked about the etymology of it. I didn't know so I decided to look it up this evening and here is what I found:
"All of which brings us to “blue streak,” which means “with great intensity or speed” and originated in the US in the early 18th century. In all likelihood, the term did arise by analogy to the speed and force of a bolt of lightning, especially in “talk a blue streak,” meaning to speak rapidly and excitedly. The “blue” in “curse a blue streak” probably also invokes “blue” in the sense of “obscene.” A similar phrase, “blue blazes” (“And the two Jacobs swore like blue blazes agin him,”1858), was originally a reference to the fires of Hell, where it is said that brimstone burns with a pale blue flame."- The Word Detective
So your picture of hell in your mind with all the reds and oranges? Well apparently in 1858 that picture was blue tinted, not red. Interesting, no? I mean it makes sense... all the hottest fires are blue or white... but it's strange to tint the scene to the cool side in my head... because those are the cool colors.
I really hope I'm not the only person who makes faces at herself in the mirror everyday....
I realized today that 3 of the 35 or so girls I graduated HS with have had twins... it's been 10 years and we already have 3 sets of twins from my grade- all girls having 2 girls. Seriously I think someone might have done a genetic experiment on us in grade school or something. I mean unless everyone had a class called "Biogenetic Mutation, Hyperovulation, and You" in kindergarten... Anyway, it makes me think I should be prepared for a someday in which I have two girls at once. Memphis, MO screwing up the national average since 2001.
I have a heart scar on my pinkie finger. Sometimes I feel like a secret Care Bear. But now I'm starting to think that's where they shot us up with twin-making drugs.
"I caaaaare! IIIIII CAAAARE!"
I burnt my tongue on soup tonight. Like my whole tongue. I didn't even know the soup was that hot. How do I do these things?
By the way, "cursing up a blue streak." This came up in conversation tonight, and someone asked about the etymology of it. I didn't know so I decided to look it up this evening and here is what I found:
"All of which brings us to “blue streak,” which means “with great intensity or speed” and originated in the US in the early 18th century. In all likelihood, the term did arise by analogy to the speed and force of a bolt of lightning, especially in “talk a blue streak,” meaning to speak rapidly and excitedly. The “blue” in “curse a blue streak” probably also invokes “blue” in the sense of “obscene.” A similar phrase, “blue blazes” (“And the two Jacobs swore like blue blazes agin him,”1858), was originally a reference to the fires of Hell, where it is said that brimstone burns with a pale blue flame."- The Word Detective
So your picture of hell in your mind with all the reds and oranges? Well apparently in 1858 that picture was blue tinted, not red. Interesting, no? I mean it makes sense... all the hottest fires are blue or white... but it's strange to tint the scene to the cool side in my head... because those are the cool colors.
I really hope I'm not the only person who makes faces at herself in the mirror everyday....
I realized today that 3 of the 35 or so girls I graduated HS with have had twins... it's been 10 years and we already have 3 sets of twins from my grade- all girls having 2 girls. Seriously I think someone might have done a genetic experiment on us in grade school or something. I mean unless everyone had a class called "Biogenetic Mutation, Hyperovulation, and You" in kindergarten... Anyway, it makes me think I should be prepared for a someday in which I have two girls at once. Memphis, MO screwing up the national average since 2001.
I have a heart scar on my pinkie finger. Sometimes I feel like a secret Care Bear. But now I'm starting to think that's where they shot us up with twin-making drugs.
"I caaaaare! IIIIII CAAAARE!"
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Rain makes applesauce.
Today is my Aunt Dawn's birthday. I shall not give away what age she is, but let's just say that she was 12 when I was born and I'm turning 28 in a few months. Happy Birthday, Da! I love you, more!
Paula had foot surgery today to resolve her "foot issues." Pray for her to heal fast and for Bill as he lends her a hand through her convalescence.
Sometimes I just want to use the word convalescence.
Today I finally replaced the light bulbs in my kitchen which have been burnt out for probably a month now... maybe a month and a half.
I also had a first dinner that consisted only of carrots... and then a second dinner at midnight. It consisted of mac and cheese and pork chops.
I've started playing a video game. I'm hopelessly addicted, already. It's exactly what I've been wanting/craving lately.
But just so it's clear, I did things other than play a video game today. I also worked, altered a dress for Kara, and took out my trash. That last one was quite an accomplishment!
There is this children's book that I've never actually seen called, "Rain Makes Applesauce." I only actually know the words, though apparently it's very well illustrated. Anyway, I like it basically because of the refrain,
"and rain makes applesauce. (Oh, you're just talking silly talk)" and because of one line. "The wind blows backwards all night long." I don't know why I love that line so much, but ach. Indeed I do.
Plus I like talking silly talk
...cause rain makes applesauce.
Paula had foot surgery today to resolve her "foot issues." Pray for her to heal fast and for Bill as he lends her a hand through her convalescence.
Sometimes I just want to use the word convalescence.
Today I finally replaced the light bulbs in my kitchen which have been burnt out for probably a month now... maybe a month and a half.
I also had a first dinner that consisted only of carrots... and then a second dinner at midnight. It consisted of mac and cheese and pork chops.
I've started playing a video game. I'm hopelessly addicted, already. It's exactly what I've been wanting/craving lately.
But just so it's clear, I did things other than play a video game today. I also worked, altered a dress for Kara, and took out my trash. That last one was quite an accomplishment!
There is this children's book that I've never actually seen called, "Rain Makes Applesauce." I only actually know the words, though apparently it's very well illustrated. Anyway, I like it basically because of the refrain,
"and rain makes applesauce. (Oh, you're just talking silly talk)" and because of one line. "The wind blows backwards all night long." I don't know why I love that line so much, but ach. Indeed I do.
Plus I like talking silly talk
...cause rain makes applesauce.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Important discoveries...
I have made two very important discoveries today.
1) Bronies. Bronies make you tube videos like this :
Which let me tell you is awesome. Epic and awesome.
Also, in that article about the bronies I saw the picture of the My Little Pony re-vamp lady, and she had on a necklace that for 3.6 second I thought was the AURYN (I wasn't yelling, I looked it up. It's supposed to be spelled in all caps.I don't like doing it though, so from now on I'm just capitalizing it.) It wasn't the Auryn, but then I thought... Why don't I have an Auryn necklace?!?!?
Which brings me to my second discovery of the day:
2.
It's 100 dollars... Why must all the amazing things in this world be ridiculously expensive and in Germany?
I know- if I had a nickle for every time I heard that phrase, am I right?
There are similar things out there... but if I get an Auryn I want it to be of quality(ish) materials (aka, metal- not resin or clay) and preferably not painted. There are far less expensive ones, but they have the chain loop in the wrong place and are only one color. Tis the way of the world, it seems. But if you know a metal worker, you should somehow convince them that he/she should make me an Auryn, for free, for giving them such a scathingly brilliant idea... Take 'em to a ren-fair and I bet you would sell out super quickly!
I could be the child-like empress. I have got the voice down, and I love her head gear, plus I look kinda young... I could throw my hair into pigtails to prove it, but that isn't very empress-y.
Oh fantasy, I embrace you with my whole heart.
1) Bronies. Bronies make you tube videos like this :
Which let me tell you is awesome. Epic and awesome.
Also, in that article about the bronies I saw the picture of the My Little Pony re-vamp lady, and she had on a necklace that for 3.6 second I thought was the AURYN (I wasn't yelling, I looked it up. It's supposed to be spelled in all caps.I don't like doing it though, so from now on I'm just capitalizing it.) It wasn't the Auryn, but then I thought... Why don't I have an Auryn necklace?!?!?
Which brings me to my second discovery of the day:
2.
It's 100 dollars... Why must all the amazing things in this world be ridiculously expensive and in Germany?
I know- if I had a nickle for every time I heard that phrase, am I right?
There are similar things out there... but if I get an Auryn I want it to be of quality(ish) materials (aka, metal- not resin or clay) and preferably not painted. There are far less expensive ones, but they have the chain loop in the wrong place and are only one color. Tis the way of the world, it seems. But if you know a metal worker, you should somehow convince them that he/she should make me an Auryn, for free, for giving them such a scathingly brilliant idea... Take 'em to a ren-fair and I bet you would sell out super quickly!
I could be the child-like empress. I have got the voice down, and I love her head gear, plus I look kinda young... I could throw my hair into pigtails to prove it, but that isn't very empress-y.
Oh fantasy, I embrace you with my whole heart.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
A Piece of My Heart
One thing that I like about Glee is that every once in a while they introduce me to a song/artist I've never heard of... For example "Candles" by Hey Monday. I love that song, now. And most recently, "Turning Tables." I'd heard Adele before and I generally like her, but I'd never heard "Turning Tables" before. And I love it.
I don't really feel that great tonight... I'm hoping it's just a weird feeling, not an actual sickness... I don't want to be sick. I don't ever want to be sick again.
I really enjoy people.. I know you may have picked that up, from reading this blog, but it's true... I especially enjoy people who I enjoy. (I know, right!?) I'd be perfectly content to constantly be in the presence of those of this world who have made a special way into my heart. I'd like to take care of them. There is so much of my heart that's wrapped up in caretaking, still. I can't do it for the world, but I enjoy thinking of things that will help. I like helping. I think it's the flip side of the "I worry too much what people think." I also worry about people and what they are thinking... and honestly, I like *knowing* people. I like knowing how to help and I like making things a little bit better. I just wish I could do it all the time and with everyone.
This... it just feels right... like I'm finding a little bit of myself again. Like I can be of use, instead of just taking from people.
How does a person manage to find a part of themselves by trying to help others? I'm not sure, but it seems to happen all the time. The folks on Extreme Home Makeover must be the most self-discovered people on the planet.
I don't really feel that great tonight... I'm hoping it's just a weird feeling, not an actual sickness... I don't want to be sick. I don't ever want to be sick again.
I really enjoy people.. I know you may have picked that up, from reading this blog, but it's true... I especially enjoy people who I enjoy. (I know, right!?) I'd be perfectly content to constantly be in the presence of those of this world who have made a special way into my heart. I'd like to take care of them. There is so much of my heart that's wrapped up in caretaking, still. I can't do it for the world, but I enjoy thinking of things that will help. I like helping. I think it's the flip side of the "I worry too much what people think." I also worry about people and what they are thinking... and honestly, I like *knowing* people. I like knowing how to help and I like making things a little bit better. I just wish I could do it all the time and with everyone.
This... it just feels right... like I'm finding a little bit of myself again. Like I can be of use, instead of just taking from people.
How does a person manage to find a part of themselves by trying to help others? I'm not sure, but it seems to happen all the time. The folks on Extreme Home Makeover must be the most self-discovered people on the planet.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Nails, Confidence, and Family
Today I went to the manicurist for my last scheduled bi-weekly appointment. I love her, and I will definitely be returning for special occasions and recommending her to anyone who asks, but I've accomplished my goal. I have my own natural nails that have been decreed "beautiful" by my manicurist (who also told me to never put on "nasty acrylics" again.) And I went for 2 weeks with these natural nails of mine and didn't bite them off. I think that means my habit is broken... I just keep thinking how proud Nathan would have been... I mean I know that it's really banal, but he hated that I bit my nails, and he would have been so proud of me for deciding that I was going to stop, finding a way, and doing it. And now look at them! It's a small thing, really, but it's a goal that I've accomplished that makes me feel good and pretty and happy.
I'm trying out a new thing... It's called confidence. It's hard because the world is so confusing. One shouldn't be proud, one should be modest and self-deprecating humor is so funny. People don't like arrogance, but at the same time you should be confident. You should be comfortable with who you are. You should be proud to be the person you are... just not too proud. How is a girl supposed to keep all that in her head at once especially when it all contradicts? But all my life I've worried about what people thought of me... and I don't know that it's going to go away anytime soon, but as a combat to the worry, what I'm trying to do now is remember one important thing. I like myself. I think I'm just darling. I think I'm attractive and funny and smart and clever. I think I'm something special. One in a billion, a gal of epic awesomeness. And if someone doesn't see that or disagrees then the fault doesn't lie in me... it lies in them. And the thing is I have to believe this about myself now, because I don't have my cheerleader anymore to tell me so everyday. So I have to tell myself, and remember that I'm not like a bad audition-er on American Idol. I'm one of the good 'uns. I can blow you away with who I am. I just gotta believe in myself... me and Xenia on the Voice... (Is it bad that I'd rather just save all of Blake's team and kick off Christina's? I think I hate Christina Aguilera's personality. I like her when she is acting, but when she is herself I really don't like her...)
I just got an e-mail from my cousin Wyatt, detailing the hotel/lodge accommodations for the Miller side of the family for his wedding. Apparently most of us are going to all be staying in one building. I'm really excited. These make for the best family gatherings ever. I have a lot of very fond memories of the entire Miller clan in one house for Christmas... all the cousins in the basement getting really hyper on juju frogs, cheap cola and my uncle Walter's spicy spicy beef jerky of amazing. Making up a band called, "I Spit" and laughing hysterically. I love my cousins so much! So while I'm sad I will miss my HS reunion, at least I'm not missing it for something that I'm not going to enjoy. My family... well I just can't say enough how lucky I am to be a part of it.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Why me?
Something I've been thinking a lot lately, "why me?"
Now I know that sounds like a dangerous question, but I don't mean it in the sense that most quickly springs to mind. I'm not asking why bad things happen to me... I think that's part of what not living in heaven is. When I've been asking, "why me" lately what I've actually been thinking about is what makes people compatible. Like, out of all the girls in Scholars House my sophomore year- a place full of intelligent girls with lots in common with me- why did Kara and I hit it off? It's arguable that there were plenty of girls who I had more in common with, or more similar personality styles, ect, but Kara and I clicked. Why me?
Since Nathan's death I've had conversations with a lot of people. And some of those people I've just *clicked* with and some I haven't and it's not something I seem to be able to predict at all. There is this ineffable-ness that just works sometimes and suddenly I'm having a weird day if I don't talk to a person who 6 months ago I would have been surprised to hear from. And I just wish I could figure it out... what is it about me and this person that clicks. What is missing when there is a person who I don't click with? (Notably, I think you can still be very close friends with people who you don't click with... it just takes more effort.) Maybe if I could define it I could recreate it.
I was discussing this with Katie and she said that she's noticed that it's easier for people to form friendships with people who are similar to people they already have relationships with. (So it's easier for her to make friends with people who are like her parents and her sister and her highschool best friend.) It's rather like your family makes up a starter relationship set for you. I think Katie is smart and this makes a lot of sense, but something still seems to be missing. Perhaps it's just that I don't recognize patterns but it seems like there are people who I click with who aren't like my family or first friends... so is there something more?
I'm not sure. What are your thoughts? I could sit around and talk about relationships all ding-dong-dang day long.
Now I know that sounds like a dangerous question, but I don't mean it in the sense that most quickly springs to mind. I'm not asking why bad things happen to me... I think that's part of what not living in heaven is. When I've been asking, "why me" lately what I've actually been thinking about is what makes people compatible. Like, out of all the girls in Scholars House my sophomore year- a place full of intelligent girls with lots in common with me- why did Kara and I hit it off? It's arguable that there were plenty of girls who I had more in common with, or more similar personality styles, ect, but Kara and I clicked. Why me?
Since Nathan's death I've had conversations with a lot of people. And some of those people I've just *clicked* with and some I haven't and it's not something I seem to be able to predict at all. There is this ineffable-ness that just works sometimes and suddenly I'm having a weird day if I don't talk to a person who 6 months ago I would have been surprised to hear from. And I just wish I could figure it out... what is it about me and this person that clicks. What is missing when there is a person who I don't click with? (Notably, I think you can still be very close friends with people who you don't click with... it just takes more effort.) Maybe if I could define it I could recreate it.
I was discussing this with Katie and she said that she's noticed that it's easier for people to form friendships with people who are similar to people they already have relationships with. (So it's easier for her to make friends with people who are like her parents and her sister and her highschool best friend.) It's rather like your family makes up a starter relationship set for you. I think Katie is smart and this makes a lot of sense, but something still seems to be missing. Perhaps it's just that I don't recognize patterns but it seems like there are people who I click with who aren't like my family or first friends... so is there something more?
I'm not sure. What are your thoughts? I could sit around and talk about relationships all ding-dong-dang day long.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Anne on a rough day
The drive-in was indeed a blast.
Today was kind of a rough day though... hard morning in church, decent afternoon and then a rough early evening... Anne of Green Gables is one of my favorite movies and I love it, but I didn't remember about Matthew's death scene or the funeral afterwards or Anne crying in bed, asking Marilla to just hold her, because "tears don't hurt like the ache"
I went to the book... Here is the whole quote- "The tears don't hurt me like that ache did. Stay here for a little while with me and keep your arm round me--so. I couldn't have Diana stay, she's good and kind and sweet--but it's not her sorrow--she's outside of it and she couldn't come close enough to my heart to help me. It's our sorrow-- yours and mine. Oh, Marilla, what will we do without him?"
It's still so up and down...even though I'm tired of the up and down.
Today was kind of a rough day though... hard morning in church, decent afternoon and then a rough early evening... Anne of Green Gables is one of my favorite movies and I love it, but I didn't remember about Matthew's death scene or the funeral afterwards or Anne crying in bed, asking Marilla to just hold her, because "tears don't hurt like the ache"
I went to the book... Here is the whole quote- "The tears don't hurt me like that ache did. Stay here for a little while with me and keep your arm round me--so. I couldn't have Diana stay, she's good and kind and sweet--but it's not her sorrow--she's outside of it and she couldn't come close enough to my heart to help me. It's our sorrow-- yours and mine. Oh, Marilla, what will we do without him?"
It's still so up and down...even though I'm tired of the up and down.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
It's a dream within a blog within a dream...
I'm writing a blog now, because I expect to be out late tonight. There is a drive-in movie theater about an hour or so away and several of us are going to see a couple of movies, and have a picnic and just a blast, generally. At least that is the plan: blast having.
Every now and again I remember what life was like 6 months ago and it feels completely unreal... like I have someone else's memories. I have no clue how I got through some of the things that we dealt with on a regular basis. I have no idea how Nathan kept up his smile. I have no inkling of how I managed to keep it all together. I had a dream last night that I barely remember. Sometimes that's what it all seems like. A dream that I barely remember the details of... and yet there are pictures and diplomas and death certificates, so apparently the whole world was having the same dream as I was. But it loses it's reality, without that anchor point in my life... and I start forgetting details until I lean too far back in the computer chair and it makes a pop noise and I remember how Nathan sat in this chair so much after his back started hurting, and how he would just sit here and fall asleep even in the middle of a conversation with me, and feel so bad, but not be able to help it. And then I remember buying the chair and how good and agile he was then (about a year ago), and I just don't understand, still, how everything in my life could have possibly turned so completely upside down in such a short amount of time. How does my life look the way it does now? How am I dealing with these issues now? Maybe the dream feeling is a coping mechanism, because it's easier to pretend like none of it really happened than to experience the love and the pain in all the memories. Or maybe it's the natural next step in moving beyond the grief.
I watch people in the grocery store... and I just feel so different. So out of sync. Seriously. I felt like this in high school. Maybe that's part of why it all feels so surreal... because I'm feeling the same things I did 10 years ago... just looking for a way to feel like I belong here again. It's rather ironic that the girl who just desperately wants to belong is the one who always seems to feel so different. Why isn't there an app for that?
I just went from inexplicably devastated back to thrilled in the course of one minute and 2 phone calls. And in a surprising move, God pulls through with perfect timing. Oh yeah, maybe sometimes it isn't about me.
Every now and again I remember what life was like 6 months ago and it feels completely unreal... like I have someone else's memories. I have no clue how I got through some of the things that we dealt with on a regular basis. I have no idea how Nathan kept up his smile. I have no inkling of how I managed to keep it all together. I had a dream last night that I barely remember. Sometimes that's what it all seems like. A dream that I barely remember the details of... and yet there are pictures and diplomas and death certificates, so apparently the whole world was having the same dream as I was. But it loses it's reality, without that anchor point in my life... and I start forgetting details until I lean too far back in the computer chair and it makes a pop noise and I remember how Nathan sat in this chair so much after his back started hurting, and how he would just sit here and fall asleep even in the middle of a conversation with me, and feel so bad, but not be able to help it. And then I remember buying the chair and how good and agile he was then (about a year ago), and I just don't understand, still, how everything in my life could have possibly turned so completely upside down in such a short amount of time. How does my life look the way it does now? How am I dealing with these issues now? Maybe the dream feeling is a coping mechanism, because it's easier to pretend like none of it really happened than to experience the love and the pain in all the memories. Or maybe it's the natural next step in moving beyond the grief.
I watch people in the grocery store... and I just feel so different. So out of sync. Seriously. I felt like this in high school. Maybe that's part of why it all feels so surreal... because I'm feeling the same things I did 10 years ago... just looking for a way to feel like I belong here again. It's rather ironic that the girl who just desperately wants to belong is the one who always seems to feel so different. Why isn't there an app for that?
I just went from inexplicably devastated back to thrilled in the course of one minute and 2 phone calls. And in a surprising move, God pulls through with perfect timing. Oh yeah, maybe sometimes it isn't about me.
I heart Andy Goldsworthy
Once upon a time I read a Smithsonian magazine that had an article about Andy Goldsworthy. I have since that time been enamored with Mr. Goldsworthy's work. I usually go in spurts of remembering. I will forget for a while and then remember and get excited about him all over again. Why? Well, let's take a look...
Because his work is beautiful.
Because I like how he arranges nature.
Because it's just so darn cool!
Plus, I'm totally impressed by the man's incredible patience.
For example: to get the next image he laid down just as it started to rain and then waited for the rain to stop.
And those ice sculptures were made by taking found ice and re-melting it together in those shapes... And the leaves were all painstakingly sorted... Yes, Mr Goldsworthy is greatly in love with the the hollow circle, (there are a lot of versions of that red leaf one I posted in all sorts of material) but I will forgive him that. I say, "Nothing, tra-la-la." too often.
Just do yourself a favor and Google image search "Goldsworthy" and be impressed. He's all about his art ("touch") being transient, as the world is transient. But I for one am glad he takes pictures of it, because I find something incredibly beautiful in the simplicity, and I doubt I'll be visiting Scotland any time soon to see his work in person.
So anyway that's my post for the day. An I heart Andy Goldsworthy post. Feel enlightened, be impressed, drink chai, become someone.
(I seriously saw that last part as an ad campaign in a coffee house once my freshman year of college before chai really took off. "Drink Chai: Become Someone." I wanted to punch the stupid trifold in the face, but I didn't know which side the face was.)
Because his work is beautiful.
Because I like how he arranges nature.
Because it's just so darn cool!
Plus, I'm totally impressed by the man's incredible patience.
For example: to get the next image he laid down just as it started to rain and then waited for the rain to stop.
Just do yourself a favor and Google image search "Goldsworthy" and be impressed. He's all about his art ("touch") being transient, as the world is transient. But I for one am glad he takes pictures of it, because I find something incredibly beautiful in the simplicity, and I doubt I'll be visiting Scotland any time soon to see his work in person.
So anyway that's my post for the day. An I heart Andy Goldsworthy post. Feel enlightened, be impressed, drink chai, become someone.
(I seriously saw that last part as an ad campaign in a coffee house once my freshman year of college before chai really took off. "Drink Chai: Become Someone." I wanted to punch the stupid trifold in the face, but I didn't know which side the face was.)
Friday, June 3, 2011
Free food and Posters
Currently Rocking: some totes adorbs low curly pigtails and sparkly nails. I had to remove the french tip manicure as it was chippin' like the dickens and so I chose to replace it with some subtle... or perhaps not subtle... sparkle. But it makes me happy and that's all one should really ever ask for in a nail polish.
I also got a free cupcake, today, so, you know, good day.
Oh! And I went to a restaurant tonight and they didn't tell me they were out of the thing I ordered until everyone else's food came out so I ended up getting my "replacement" for free. People were just throwing food at me today... in a strictly figurative kind of way. No actual food is marring my lovely curly-tails.
I also discovered this today. They are selling posters and the proceeds go to the United Way Small Business Fund to help jump start Joplin's economy. PLUS the posters are all in light blue and red! Score!
I didn't nap today.. or yesterday. I'm sorta crazy tired, so I'll just leave you with this.
Why is it that when you are nervous/unsure you don't know what to do with your hands? I mean what do we normally do with our hands when we are just hanging out? Why are our hands suddenly what we become conscious of? Is it just a matter of being the thing most likely to move that is in one's line of sight?
pondering.
Also, checkers is a boring game.
I also got a free cupcake, today, so, you know, good day.
Oh! And I went to a restaurant tonight and they didn't tell me they were out of the thing I ordered until everyone else's food came out so I ended up getting my "replacement" for free. People were just throwing food at me today... in a strictly figurative kind of way. No actual food is marring my lovely curly-tails.
I also discovered this today. They are selling posters and the proceeds go to the United Way Small Business Fund to help jump start Joplin's economy. PLUS the posters are all in light blue and red! Score!
I didn't nap today.. or yesterday. I'm sorta crazy tired, so I'll just leave you with this.
Why is it that when you are nervous/unsure you don't know what to do with your hands? I mean what do we normally do with our hands when we are just hanging out? Why are our hands suddenly what we become conscious of? Is it just a matter of being the thing most likely to move that is in one's line of sight?
pondering.
Also, checkers is a boring game.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
It's gonna be ok.
Mid-afternoon showers for the win. Keeps me from napping, gets me ready to go outside of my apartment, and I have time to shave my legs, which is necessary because it is summer now and the air-conditioning she is broken (at work.)
I discovered tonight that I'm a rather abysmal Nerts player.... or is it NERTS? Well, regardless, I'm bad at that card game. I think it is because I am not that great at snap hand-eye-mind coordination. I'm bad with snap driving decisions as well... I make a far better navigator than I do a driver. The pressure. I don't like it. I don't do well with it.
I think I live in a strange world, that many people would not understand. For example, I stood around for about 15 minutes tonight while the finer points of a D&D campaign were discussed around me... and I go to a church full of hipsters... and I'm a small town country girl who loves musicals and video games... yes, my life context is kinda quirky.... and yet, I find kindred spirits seemingly everywhere I turn. It's rather nice, actually. To know that even when you don't share any of the same background, when something clicks it just clicks, and you wonder how you ever got along without this friend.
So much has changed in my life... but one thing I'm insanely grateful for is all the new people that have become a part of my circle (and the ones who have been there for a while as well). I just know Nathan never would have guessed the some of the integral people who are helping me learn to be ok, but I know he'd be so grateful.... Unfortunately those people missed out on hearing it from him.
Now my country Pandora station is playing "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Mr. Brooks. The one thing that I can rely on when it comes to Nathan and I is that we both knew exactly how much the other person loved us. There were no regrets between us...no uncertainty. We loved with our whole hearts. I think that's all you can really do.
Sometimes I'm struck by just how blessed I still am... even without Nathan, now, I still had him. He was mine. And we have incredible families, and equally incredible friends, and I have an amazing church family (in two separate locations), and I have you, of course. Blessed blessed blessed, and I maintain what I wrote the day after Nathan died. I'm so incredibly grateful for his life, so incredibly grateful that I was given the opportunity to be loved by such a man. It's hard, now, but it was worth this. And I intend to live the rest of my life to be worth the hard parts. I won't give up on my dreams, even if they are both blessedly simple and utterly complex. I'll find love, I'll give our parents grandchildren (one way or another), and I'll be ok.
When I was student teaching there was this cute pixie gal of a senior at Marshfield. She was delightfully goofy and something that she used to say in this strange gruff and silly Louis-Armstrong-esque voice became part of my vernacular. I say it in as close an approximation as I can manage to how she said it, and Kara will say it to me in a normal voice, just because she knows I will then repeat it in the "right" voice. What Elizabeth always said, and I now repeat is, "It's gonna be ok!"
and it will be.
I discovered tonight that I'm a rather abysmal Nerts player.... or is it NERTS? Well, regardless, I'm bad at that card game. I think it is because I am not that great at snap hand-eye-mind coordination. I'm bad with snap driving decisions as well... I make a far better navigator than I do a driver. The pressure. I don't like it. I don't do well with it.
I think I live in a strange world, that many people would not understand. For example, I stood around for about 15 minutes tonight while the finer points of a D&D campaign were discussed around me... and I go to a church full of hipsters... and I'm a small town country girl who loves musicals and video games... yes, my life context is kinda quirky.... and yet, I find kindred spirits seemingly everywhere I turn. It's rather nice, actually. To know that even when you don't share any of the same background, when something clicks it just clicks, and you wonder how you ever got along without this friend.
So much has changed in my life... but one thing I'm insanely grateful for is all the new people that have become a part of my circle (and the ones who have been there for a while as well). I just know Nathan never would have guessed the some of the integral people who are helping me learn to be ok, but I know he'd be so grateful.... Unfortunately those people missed out on hearing it from him.
Now my country Pandora station is playing "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Mr. Brooks. The one thing that I can rely on when it comes to Nathan and I is that we both knew exactly how much the other person loved us. There were no regrets between us...no uncertainty. We loved with our whole hearts. I think that's all you can really do.
Sometimes I'm struck by just how blessed I still am... even without Nathan, now, I still had him. He was mine. And we have incredible families, and equally incredible friends, and I have an amazing church family (in two separate locations), and I have you, of course. Blessed blessed blessed, and I maintain what I wrote the day after Nathan died. I'm so incredibly grateful for his life, so incredibly grateful that I was given the opportunity to be loved by such a man. It's hard, now, but it was worth this. And I intend to live the rest of my life to be worth the hard parts. I won't give up on my dreams, even if they are both blessedly simple and utterly complex. I'll find love, I'll give our parents grandchildren (one way or another), and I'll be ok.
When I was student teaching there was this cute pixie gal of a senior at Marshfield. She was delightfully goofy and something that she used to say in this strange gruff and silly Louis-Armstrong-esque voice became part of my vernacular. I say it in as close an approximation as I can manage to how she said it, and Kara will say it to me in a normal voice, just because she knows I will then repeat it in the "right" voice. What Elizabeth always said, and I now repeat is, "It's gonna be ok!"
and it will be.
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