Midnight Ramen? Sources say: Yes!
so... if you are facebook friends with me you may have noticed that I might have accidentally gotten a new car today. And it is sweeeet! I'm supposed to get my oil changed and tires rotated at 5,000 miles... that is 8.5 tanks of gas. 8.5. Holy smokes. I have decided I need more guys to look at it and tell me it's so cool, because guys seem to be a lot more vocal on noticing all the details that are cool, where as girls are just like, "It's so nice! It's so cool!" Not that I don't like it either way, it's just that in noticing all of the details, the guys gush for a longer time. I think it's really pretty, too... Blizzard Pearl is secretly (and very subtly and only in sunlight) iridescent... which is pretty well my favorite color, ever. (Yes, I love opals the most out of all the gemstones, too... darn, that they are so soft!) So, let me get this straight... three months to the day after my husband died my car arrived (after being delayed about a week by strikes and then inexplicably delayed another 4 days.) Not only that, but I got a car that I've been talking about wanting for around 5 years (even though initially I wasn't looking or thinking about this car, at all) and is nearly impossible to get (at least not without waiting at least 6 months-1 year) in my favorite color (that I had no control over and thought I wanted a different color). And I even just happened to get the perfect CD from the library (that I reserved about a month ago) at exactly the right time to play it in my new car? That is far too many coincidences for me to overlook... and so appropriate, as Nathan knew me a lot better than I did myself.
I think that words of affirmation might be my main love language... I've noticed that I really like to be reassured... I like to get a lot of opinions and I get really excited when people talk about things that they notice about me. I also really like compliments (though I suppose most people do)... This probably shouldn't be that big of a surprise to me, considering I was married to a man who was king of the spontaneous compliment, but I swear it's like a new thought is dawning on me. It's funny, because I'm pretty sure Nathan could have told you in about 5 seconds of thought what my main love language is, but I was asked this question about 2 or 3 weeks ago and just now came up with the answer.... I think. There are only 5 options!
A while back Melissa explained "introvert" and "extrovert" to me as defined by Carl Jung. She said that basically an extrovert is a person who sees self through a lens of the outside, first, and an introvert is a person who sees the outside through a lens of self, first. Why I tell you this is because, though I am shy, I am actually a strong extrovert- and here is some proof. It took me so long to figure out what my love language is because I was attempting to diagnose myself in relation to other people- aka what love language I use on others the most often. Oh extroversion! How am I supposed to get to know myself, but to have others tell me! (In my defense I think many times the languages you use the most are the ones that you like the most.) But I couldn't figure out what my love language is, because I'm most likely to give gifts or acts of service... but those two options just didn't feel right. (I'm also told I'm intuitive.)
I actually don't give out that many compliments unless someone is down on themselves, (or like Kara, prompts me with the compliment she wants :) ) But I think that's the language that speaks the most for me. I remember compliments for a really long time. As in once- in the 8th grade- my English teacher wrote on a paper that I "have a flair for using just the right words most of the time." And in college an acting professor told me that I took things seriously and brought out the best in people- that I was "golden" and I turned everything and everyone I touched golden too. And the good compliments like those? I repeat them in my head to myself pretty often... like once every two weeks or so, at least. Go figure, words mean a lot to me. Me, the girl who, when confronted with tragedy, started writing down every stray thought in her head. The girl whose idea of sharing grief is sharing stories... Seriously, I'm beginning to feel like a moron for not noticing this earlier.
It's kinda weird when I think about it... because my immediate family is not really a group of compliment-ers... My dad gives acts of service (see coconut cream pies) and my mom is usually a gift-er and I think Rhonda is quality time... or at least our gingerbread church would seem to say so! :) ...and don't get me wrong I love all of those things! But we aren't really talkers... and getting opinions out of my parents is sometimes akin to pulling teeth with a pair of jello pliers*, so it would seem strange that I would like words of affirmation so much... and then I think back to all those parent-teacher conferences that my mom took me to as a kid. She normally brought me in the room with the teacher and basically the teacher just sang my praises to my mom for a few minutes. Mom also has a tendency to brag on her kids to others... or at least she does when said kid is in the room with her... I assume she also does it when we aren't, as well... and my extended family is pretty free with the praise, too, so perhaps it's not as strange as it first seemed to me. Interestingly enough, Paula (aka 2nd Mom) also brags on me in my vicinity (it always gives me warm fuzzies...) and she is generous with compliments, too. Considering she is one half of the dynamic duo who raised Nathan, it makes sense. Apple, tree, and all that.
*if you liked this analogy, you might really enjoy this list. I'm not sure that I believe the "from high schoolers" creation story... seems a bit fishy, but either way the list is still hilarious. Some of them I'd heard before, but... some of the analogies I'd never met... you could say the analogies and I were like John and Mary who had never met, who were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Prius, Anne, and Photography in Disaster
I got a call this morning from the car man! My Prius is in Springfield... of course he had to make sure they had the title and it has to have a "pre delivery inspection" but it's in town!! This is progress! They didn't get it all spiffed up yet, so I won't get it until tomorrow. He said around noon, but I'm anxious, and hoping it's before then... Also... tomorrow is 3 months. As if I didn't already think of this car as a last big surprise gift from Nathan, it being delayed so much only to be given to me on the 3 month mark, exactly? That's not the kind of stuff that can be planned... but it is the kind of stuff that makes me feel like I've got someone looking out for me. Also, I have the Glee Warblers album waiting for me at the library... so the first CD my Prius plays is going to be the Warblers. And I know that it probably seems really trivial to you, but I *love* the Warblers.. and Nathan was *very* into acapella music, from growing up Church of Christ. God allows the universe to be arranged in strange and mysterious and heart-warming ways.
I called our car insurance place to tell them about the new car, and to finally have Nathan removed from the policy... I was kinda dreading it, because I thought I was going to have to go in to talk to them, and I'm just not a big "talk to our representative" kind of person... I hate that stuff, actually. But Michelle... or Melissa, was super nice and did everything over the phone easily and quickly. No one wants to stay on the phone with you for very long after you tell them your husband died... it kills the "upsell" faster than anything I've ever seen... a fact for which I'm very grateful. I also had to call and talk to the credit card company and have them remove Nathan from the account, and they wanted to get off the phone with me just as quickly. I'm sooo not complaining.
I want to watch Anne of Green Gables again. (There is only one version of Anne to me, the Megan Follows Anne.. all other versions are mere shadows of Anne.) The only problem is finding the time to watch it... Like everything else in my life what I really need is someone else to watch it with me. That's right I don't even like to watch TV by myself. Oh, I will, I just don't like it. Of course for the next few days I may just live in my car... maybe I should borrow someone's laptop and watch Anne in my car... Brings new meaning to the words "drive-in theatre." No blackberry cordial in the car, though.
So I'm currently going through Quantum Leap via Netflix, and I've gotta say I enjoy it... It's one of those shows that I wasn't old enough to watch when it actually aired, but thought was really cool when my parents would randomly watch an episode, or I was accidentally allowed to stay up late. In case you don't remember, Quantum Leap is a show which makes a mockery out of quantum physics, but basically this guy is in the midst of an experiment gone awry (in 1995!) and time travels ("leaps") into the bodies of different people who lived during his life span, with the theory that he will leap out again, after fixing something in this person's life. He saves lives, causes Watergate, and brushes up against people from his own life and celebrities lives (Elvis, Donald Trump, Michael Jackson, ect). All the while trying to leap back into his own body. Oh and he also has a sidekick who appears as a holographic projection from the future (aka 1995). It's a bit cheesy at times and the special effects are definitely not the caliber that we expect these days, but it's really *fun.* And much easier on the emotions that watching the nightly news. (God bless everyone hit by those tornadoes... I know what having your life turned upside down is like. Ach, my heart goes out to them.)
Also, props to NBC news crews who went to London (some people are getting married... you may have heard? There are coats of arms and crowns involved?) and then when they heard about the devastation at home, came back to the US and to the south. I really don't like looking at pictures, though. I don't mind the interviews, but the photos feel like such an invasion of privacy to me... I know that people want to know what's happening and the only way to know the scope is through images... but... something in me really revolts when confronted with people who (appear to) have no knowledge they are being photographed, and who are so openly grieving... I think I may be more sensitive to this than most, given the experiences of my life over the past year or so. I just feel like that person's obvious pain coupled with the text displaying this natural disaster's "theme" (Path of Destruction) cheapens it all... But maybe I'm the only one who feels this way and there are some vehement supporters of photography capturing the faces of disaster? Sound off!
I called our car insurance place to tell them about the new car, and to finally have Nathan removed from the policy... I was kinda dreading it, because I thought I was going to have to go in to talk to them, and I'm just not a big "talk to our representative" kind of person... I hate that stuff, actually. But Michelle... or Melissa, was super nice and did everything over the phone easily and quickly. No one wants to stay on the phone with you for very long after you tell them your husband died... it kills the "upsell" faster than anything I've ever seen... a fact for which I'm very grateful. I also had to call and talk to the credit card company and have them remove Nathan from the account, and they wanted to get off the phone with me just as quickly. I'm sooo not complaining.
I want to watch Anne of Green Gables again. (There is only one version of Anne to me, the Megan Follows Anne.. all other versions are mere shadows of Anne.) The only problem is finding the time to watch it... Like everything else in my life what I really need is someone else to watch it with me. That's right I don't even like to watch TV by myself. Oh, I will, I just don't like it. Of course for the next few days I may just live in my car... maybe I should borrow someone's laptop and watch Anne in my car... Brings new meaning to the words "drive-in theatre." No blackberry cordial in the car, though.
So I'm currently going through Quantum Leap via Netflix, and I've gotta say I enjoy it... It's one of those shows that I wasn't old enough to watch when it actually aired, but thought was really cool when my parents would randomly watch an episode, or I was accidentally allowed to stay up late. In case you don't remember, Quantum Leap is a show which makes a mockery out of quantum physics, but basically this guy is in the midst of an experiment gone awry (in 1995!) and time travels ("leaps") into the bodies of different people who lived during his life span, with the theory that he will leap out again, after fixing something in this person's life. He saves lives, causes Watergate, and brushes up against people from his own life and celebrities lives (Elvis, Donald Trump, Michael Jackson, ect). All the while trying to leap back into his own body. Oh and he also has a sidekick who appears as a holographic projection from the future (aka 1995). It's a bit cheesy at times and the special effects are definitely not the caliber that we expect these days, but it's really *fun.* And much easier on the emotions that watching the nightly news. (God bless everyone hit by those tornadoes... I know what having your life turned upside down is like. Ach, my heart goes out to them.)
Also, props to NBC news crews who went to London (some people are getting married... you may have heard? There are coats of arms and crowns involved?) and then when they heard about the devastation at home, came back to the US and to the south. I really don't like looking at pictures, though. I don't mind the interviews, but the photos feel like such an invasion of privacy to me... I know that people want to know what's happening and the only way to know the scope is through images... but... something in me really revolts when confronted with people who (appear to) have no knowledge they are being photographed, and who are so openly grieving... I think I may be more sensitive to this than most, given the experiences of my life over the past year or so. I just feel like that person's obvious pain coupled with the text displaying this natural disaster's "theme" (Path of Destruction) cheapens it all... But maybe I'm the only one who feels this way and there are some vehement supporters of photography capturing the faces of disaster? Sound off!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Lolly, Lolly, Lolly
Today I e-mailed the car place... and I called my salesman, too... and all I can say is that I hope he was off of work because he works on Saturdays or something, because homeboy never got back to me. I mean it's one thing to not call someone because you have no new information... it's something else to never respond to the customer who is contacting you. I mean he does work on commission, pretty sure.
I noticed that I have a bit of a farmer's tan from being outside the Sat before Easter. Apparently, I needed to be wearing in a tank top... (Not to rub it in, Springfieldians, but it was really nice on Sat and Sunday in NE MO... sorry, dudes.) Don't feel bad, though, cause I made an attempt at a home spray tan, without my patent pending method to make sure that I got an even coat... and so my legs are quite splotchy. I bought shorts when we went shopping at home... I haven't really worn shorts since HS... and not often then, but I figure if the long shorts are in style, and I'm losing weight anyway, why not, eh? (ok, I gained two pounds over Easter week, but you should have seen how many rolls I ate... so I still count it as losing weight, generally.) Anyway, all that to say I'm glad the weather has been kinda awful so that I'm not tempted to wear my new shorts and look like the crazy splotchy lady. Children will stop and stare...
Perhaps I exaggerate, but hey, that's part of my charm, right?
Oh! Wanna see something cool??... Dang it, I just realized I can't show you.... because it *might* be illegal, and this is the internet... Tell ya what, I will put it in my wallet and next time you see me, ask me to see "something cool." This shall be our secret code word. No spies will ever be able to figure it out! ...right guys?
Sometimes I'm so sneaky and devious I think I need to make up a new word for it...Sneavious? Deveaky? Sneakious? Deviousky?... That last one sounds like a Russian author... Tolstoy, Chekhov, Pushkin, and Deviousky... you, know, all the greats.
Have I ever told you about my dead toe? The toe next to my big toe (usually on my right foot) will go totally white and numb if my foot gets too cold... As soon as my foot gets warm again my toe goes back to normal. So to sum up, the circulatory system is WEIRD.
Speaking of slightly medical things, if you have any unused prescriptions that you want to get rid of safely, go to this website to find a nearby drop off point for the National Drug Take Back Initiative. I'm so glad this exists... there aren't a lot of good ways to dispose of prescriptions that you have no need of anymore. :(
I'm a bit all over the place tonight, sorry bout that.
You know what's silly? There are lots of things that I could be doing in my free time, but I'm so focused on waiting for my car that I'm putting them off... Like I could put all my laundry away while I wait for a call... but I don't, because I'm so involve in waiting. I could be planning things to do this weekend... but instead I'm waiting, and I can't seem to think about anything else... the waiting... it's so consuming! Also, please note that the theme of my week is patience. Wait for the rain to clear, wait for the car, wait for the fun... It's worth it, but I feel like a school house rock episode. Get your adverbs here!
I noticed that I have a bit of a farmer's tan from being outside the Sat before Easter. Apparently, I needed to be wearing in a tank top... (Not to rub it in, Springfieldians, but it was really nice on Sat and Sunday in NE MO... sorry, dudes.) Don't feel bad, though, cause I made an attempt at a home spray tan, without my patent pending method to make sure that I got an even coat... and so my legs are quite splotchy. I bought shorts when we went shopping at home... I haven't really worn shorts since HS... and not often then, but I figure if the long shorts are in style, and I'm losing weight anyway, why not, eh? (ok, I gained two pounds over Easter week, but you should have seen how many rolls I ate... so I still count it as losing weight, generally.) Anyway, all that to say I'm glad the weather has been kinda awful so that I'm not tempted to wear my new shorts and look like the crazy splotchy lady. Children will stop and stare...
Perhaps I exaggerate, but hey, that's part of my charm, right?
Oh! Wanna see something cool??... Dang it, I just realized I can't show you.... because it *might* be illegal, and this is the internet... Tell ya what, I will put it in my wallet and next time you see me, ask me to see "something cool." This shall be our secret code word. No spies will ever be able to figure it out! ...right guys?
Sometimes I'm so sneaky and devious I think I need to make up a new word for it...Sneavious? Deveaky? Sneakious? Deviousky?... That last one sounds like a Russian author... Tolstoy, Chekhov, Pushkin, and Deviousky... you, know, all the greats.
Have I ever told you about my dead toe? The toe next to my big toe (usually on my right foot) will go totally white and numb if my foot gets too cold... As soon as my foot gets warm again my toe goes back to normal. So to sum up, the circulatory system is WEIRD.
Speaking of slightly medical things, if you have any unused prescriptions that you want to get rid of safely, go to this website to find a nearby drop off point for the National Drug Take Back Initiative. I'm so glad this exists... there aren't a lot of good ways to dispose of prescriptions that you have no need of anymore. :(
I'm a bit all over the place tonight, sorry bout that.
You know what's silly? There are lots of things that I could be doing in my free time, but I'm so focused on waiting for my car that I'm putting them off... Like I could put all my laundry away while I wait for a call... but I don't, because I'm so involve in waiting. I could be planning things to do this weekend... but instead I'm waiting, and I can't seem to think about anything else... the waiting... it's so consuming! Also, please note that the theme of my week is patience. Wait for the rain to clear, wait for the car, wait for the fun... It's worth it, but I feel like a school house rock episode. Get your adverbs here!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Phenomonal Cosmic Powers!
Itty bitty blog, tonight.
Me thinks labeling my blog as mildly-epic in proportion might have scared off some people from reading it yesterday. Go ahead, it's ok. It's not really that long... and I think I'm rather funny in it, so that's a plus.
Sad news of the day: No car. It was supposed to show up yesterday and when it hadn't come in when the lot closed down the salesman told me he thought it would probably come in later that night... but it didn't, and it didn't come in today, either, as far as I know. Toyota! You LIE! Le Sad! So, I don't know when I'm going to get it.
However, because it didn't come in today I did get a chance to clean out the car and the Jeep of everything that was personal property, so I suppose that's good. There was a bit of a mad scramble for me this morning when I realized I'd probably need to clean out the vehicles before giving them away... It's so easy to focus on the gain of a car and forget the loss of the others... pretty much exactly the opposite of life.
Today has been a bit of a disappointment as days go...such plans I had... and they were foiled, pretty well at every turn. I guess that should be a lesson in patience... or not relying too heavily on my own timing... though I think I got that one loud and clear a few months ago. Basically on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the holy grail of amazing days and 0 being Jan 29, 2011, I give today a 2.5. And the German judge only gives it a 2. He didn't think it stuck the landing very well.
I really like the word abscond. As in, "I think someone has absconded with my Prius."
But really, though... I do.
Me thinks labeling my blog as mildly-epic in proportion might have scared off some people from reading it yesterday. Go ahead, it's ok. It's not really that long... and I think I'm rather funny in it, so that's a plus.
Sad news of the day: No car. It was supposed to show up yesterday and when it hadn't come in when the lot closed down the salesman told me he thought it would probably come in later that night... but it didn't, and it didn't come in today, either, as far as I know. Toyota! You LIE! Le Sad! So, I don't know when I'm going to get it.
However, because it didn't come in today I did get a chance to clean out the car and the Jeep of everything that was personal property, so I suppose that's good. There was a bit of a mad scramble for me this morning when I realized I'd probably need to clean out the vehicles before giving them away... It's so easy to focus on the gain of a car and forget the loss of the others... pretty much exactly the opposite of life.
Today has been a bit of a disappointment as days go...such plans I had... and they were foiled, pretty well at every turn. I guess that should be a lesson in patience... or not relying too heavily on my own timing... though I think I got that one loud and clear a few months ago. Basically on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the holy grail of amazing days and 0 being Jan 29, 2011, I give today a 2.5. And the German judge only gives it a 2. He didn't think it stuck the landing very well.
I really like the word abscond. As in, "I think someone has absconded with my Prius."
But really, though... I do.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Blog of Mildly-Epic Proportions!
I really like watering down hefty words-- Mildly-Epic... Tremendous-ish... Somewhat Awe-inspiring... I think it's funny.
So apparently it rained in Springfield the whole time I was gone. Kara says Springfield missed me. I will accept this, as it makes me feel loved. :) Especially since it stopped raining about an hour after I got back into town.
BTW, I noticed that yesterday I had 75 blog views from the hour of 11-midnight! Did everyone decide to take a late evening blog ramble, or is there one person out there just refreshing his/her page over and over to make me feel good about myself and how interesting I am?
I have noticed a lot of people are blogging lately. I don't think I have anything to do with it... but I think that I'm more likely to notice the blogging, since I started myself. Isn't that normally the way of it? Maybe everyone gave up blogging for Lent, so they are all back with a vengeance.. Or perhaps not. I've noticed that blogging really falls into 3 categories. 1) Themed blogging-- I'm going to write a blog and it's going to be all about aardvarks and the crazy stuff aardvarks do! Here is a picture of an aardvark! Here is another! Here is a picture of an aardvark with a hilarious caption! This blog will be awesome! 2) Slice of life/anything that pops into my head blogging-- I'm gonna write a blog: It is rainy.... I heart rhinos.... Did you know that Pandora spelled backwards is Arodnap? I think that means something... This blog will be awesome, right guys? 3) Deep meaningful insight blogging-- I'm going to attempt to compose an online log of my thoughts. A treatise, if you will, on how I view the universe, society, and the motivation behind individual actions. I wish it to be inspiring and thought provoking or, failing that, awesome.
My blog is the second type in case you couldn't tell by my prolific use of ellipses.
So driving back in the rain today was... *insert accent of non-native English speaker here* how you say? ... the suck? Especially when I hit Lebanon and it really started coming down and I couldnae drive the speed limit, Cap'an! I hate not being able to drive the speed limit. I feel peer pressured by all the other cars. No, I really do. They want me to drive faster than is actually safe and risk getting in an accident. I can tell by the way they pass me. They are all like "whooooshhhhhhh." And I'm all like, "Oh yeah? Well, whoosh to you, too, buddy!"
I'm not actually like that... I'm more like, "Ahhh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Ahhhh! The rain! The raaaaaaiiiin!"
I'm not very eloquent under pressure. Perhaps you noticed?
The salesman called me today at 8PM to tell me he hadn't seen my car yet, but he'd been looking all day and that he was sure they would "drop" it on the lot tonight since today was the last day of the 5 day window. He said he would call as soon as it was ready. I have fed the Jeep the last tank of gas I shall ever give it! And tomorrow I should be driving around my new Prius! Ahhhhh! Prius!! (I'm not super eloquent when I'm excited, either.) Don't be surprised if I visit you tomorrow if you live in Springfield. For serious.
I had a really good day today, despite the driving/driving in the rain. It was pretty well gray and cloudy the whole time I was driving and along the way (probably around Kirksville, for those of you familiar with the drive) I prayed for a break in the clouds so I could see blue sky.... just for a little bit, cause the gray was depressing and making me think about things I didn't want to think about. But I didn't expect to get a break, because my parents like to watch the weather channel in their spare time, so I'd seen more than my fair share of weather discussion this weekend, and I knew it was supposed to be raining pretty well all day and the whole trip. And it did rain pretty well the whole trip. I didn't get a break in the clouds... until I hit Jeff City, when all of a sudden I could turn off the wipers and spot blue sky between the rain clouds. And I thought to myself. "Patience. You can have what you want, if you are just patient." Dunno if that was me or God or meterology failing, but I think it's good regardless. I want to hurry my life along so much now... I feel so keenly how short life can be, and I just want to *go.* But my sense of urgency isn't necessarily what is best, and I probably do need to re-learn a little patience.
Once I got back in Springfield I sat around for almost 2 hours wanting to do something, without anything to do... and then suddenly in the space of 15 minutes an elaborate plan involving Kara, Chik-fil-a, Ice Cream, and Katie, Jonny, "How I Met Your Mother" and fun fell into my lap. It stopped raining and I saw the sunset, and both times tonight that I got into the Jeep I turned on the car just as some of my favorite songs started. It really is the little things in life. No foolin'.
So apparently it rained in Springfield the whole time I was gone. Kara says Springfield missed me. I will accept this, as it makes me feel loved. :) Especially since it stopped raining about an hour after I got back into town.
BTW, I noticed that yesterday I had 75 blog views from the hour of 11-midnight! Did everyone decide to take a late evening blog ramble, or is there one person out there just refreshing his/her page over and over to make me feel good about myself and how interesting I am?
I have noticed a lot of people are blogging lately. I don't think I have anything to do with it... but I think that I'm more likely to notice the blogging, since I started myself. Isn't that normally the way of it? Maybe everyone gave up blogging for Lent, so they are all back with a vengeance.. Or perhaps not. I've noticed that blogging really falls into 3 categories. 1) Themed blogging-- I'm going to write a blog and it's going to be all about aardvarks and the crazy stuff aardvarks do! Here is a picture of an aardvark! Here is another! Here is a picture of an aardvark with a hilarious caption! This blog will be awesome! 2) Slice of life/anything that pops into my head blogging-- I'm gonna write a blog: It is rainy.... I heart rhinos.... Did you know that Pandora spelled backwards is Arodnap? I think that means something... This blog will be awesome, right guys? 3) Deep meaningful insight blogging-- I'm going to attempt to compose an online log of my thoughts. A treatise, if you will, on how I view the universe, society, and the motivation behind individual actions. I wish it to be inspiring and thought provoking or, failing that, awesome.
My blog is the second type in case you couldn't tell by my prolific use of ellipses.
So driving back in the rain today was... *insert accent of non-native English speaker here* how you say? ... the suck? Especially when I hit Lebanon and it really started coming down and I couldnae drive the speed limit, Cap'an! I hate not being able to drive the speed limit. I feel peer pressured by all the other cars. No, I really do. They want me to drive faster than is actually safe and risk getting in an accident. I can tell by the way they pass me. They are all like "whooooshhhhhhh." And I'm all like, "Oh yeah? Well, whoosh to you, too, buddy!"
I'm not actually like that... I'm more like, "Ahhh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Ahhhh! The rain! The raaaaaaiiiin!"
I'm not very eloquent under pressure. Perhaps you noticed?
The salesman called me today at 8PM to tell me he hadn't seen my car yet, but he'd been looking all day and that he was sure they would "drop" it on the lot tonight since today was the last day of the 5 day window. He said he would call as soon as it was ready. I have fed the Jeep the last tank of gas I shall ever give it! And tomorrow I should be driving around my new Prius! Ahhhhh! Prius!! (I'm not super eloquent when I'm excited, either.) Don't be surprised if I visit you tomorrow if you live in Springfield. For serious.
I had a really good day today, despite the driving/driving in the rain. It was pretty well gray and cloudy the whole time I was driving and along the way (probably around Kirksville, for those of you familiar with the drive) I prayed for a break in the clouds so I could see blue sky.... just for a little bit, cause the gray was depressing and making me think about things I didn't want to think about. But I didn't expect to get a break, because my parents like to watch the weather channel in their spare time, so I'd seen more than my fair share of weather discussion this weekend, and I knew it was supposed to be raining pretty well all day and the whole trip. And it did rain pretty well the whole trip. I didn't get a break in the clouds... until I hit Jeff City, when all of a sudden I could turn off the wipers and spot blue sky between the rain clouds. And I thought to myself. "Patience. You can have what you want, if you are just patient." Dunno if that was me or God or meterology failing, but I think it's good regardless. I want to hurry my life along so much now... I feel so keenly how short life can be, and I just want to *go.* But my sense of urgency isn't necessarily what is best, and I probably do need to re-learn a little patience.
Once I got back in Springfield I sat around for almost 2 hours wanting to do something, without anything to do... and then suddenly in the space of 15 minutes an elaborate plan involving Kara, Chik-fil-a, Ice Cream, and Katie, Jonny, "How I Met Your Mother" and fun fell into my lap. It stopped raining and I saw the sunset, and both times tonight that I got into the Jeep I turned on the car just as some of my favorite songs started. It really is the little things in life. No foolin'.
Monday, April 25, 2011
The third book in a trilogy
Another thing I like about a (my?) small town? When you are driving it's common courtesy to wave at every vehicle you pass. I've grown unaccustomed to this living as I do in the "big" city. People are far more anonymous in larger cities... and in a lot of ways I prefer that... but it's kinda nice when you are driving down the road and the oncoming driver waves at you. Or when you are driving in the country and the person in their yard waves at you. Makes ya feel welcome. Maybe everyone feels a little alone out here and so they want to connect to anyone they can. Or maybe they just don't want to endure the ribbing that they would get if they didn't wave hello to someone they are related to, and chances are higher in the country than in most places, so you just wave at everyone.
Things I'm bringing from home, to home: 6 jars of spaghetti sauce, a chocolate meltaway egg that blows all other chocolate out of the water, and will make me not want to eat other chocolate for about 2 years... luckily it's large enough to last for about 2 years. 4 issues of the Smithsonian, and both Fantasia and Fantasia 2000. I figure I should give them another chance as an adult... probably not both at the same time, though.
I've been eating and sleeping like there's no tomorrow here... I think my body might think it needs to hibernate... why it wants to hibernate when spring is here (sometimes) I have no idea.
I'm watching The Lake House right now, with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves... I can't decide if I've seen it before or not... It's not necessarily good, but I'm kinda enjoying it. Makes me want to get a lake house with a magical mail box so that I can write to someone from two years in the past. Preferably not Keanu Reeves though... his eyes are really squinty/tiny. Still I think there is something insanely romantic about a guy waiting 2 years for a girl to sync up time with her. It speaks to my soul... or at least the hopeless romantic/starved for romance part of my soul.... Remember that incredible love story? I can do it again...
please?
Lots of sweet older ladies came up to me at church today... most had tears in their eyes... and my grandmas both had the same look... Ach, that look... makes me wanna break down and cry. It's the look that tells me there is something about me to be pitied. It's the look that says they love me and they wish they could have taken this pain from me. It's the look that says they know, and they are so so sorry. Sometimes it's easier when people don't know... sometimes it's easier when people are "young" (aka my age) and they haven't seen and lived through all the good and bad of life... Sometimes I feel like I'm 27 going on 87... and I just want to go back in time 2 years. I don't even remember what we did 2 years ago on Easter, but if I went back in time I'm sure I'd enjoy it.
My brain is so screwed up sometimes... I want romance, but the only real romance I've ever had was with Nathan... and thinking about love in any way except as a remembering or as a fantasy feels like I'm doing something I shouldn't, when that's not actually true. I know it makes more sense in reverse but what it really feels like is that my brain thinks I'm married when my heart knows that I'm not anymore. My heart wants something that my brain says is off limits... except my brain is out of sync. So I reverse myself about every 5 minutes when it comes to matters of the heart... I know there are plenty of happy-pants answers out there about God being my romance, or about how platonic relationships are just as fulfilling, but I really don't want to hear them. Cause God isn't going to kiss me on New Year's Eve, and platonic friends aren't going to discuss our future children with me, and neither one is going to look at me with that stupid goofy adorable grin that says "I adore everything about you, even your annoying habits" that I miss so much.
But like I said- I'm a hopeless romantic and since this isn't happily ever after, I must be in the second part of a trilogy.... or maybe the beginning of the third, since the second book in a trilogy always seems to end when things are at their darkest. And there is no mistaking when that was.
Yes, I think I've begun my third book. Time to meet me some Ewoks.
Things I'm bringing from home, to home: 6 jars of spaghetti sauce, a chocolate meltaway egg that blows all other chocolate out of the water, and will make me not want to eat other chocolate for about 2 years... luckily it's large enough to last for about 2 years. 4 issues of the Smithsonian, and both Fantasia and Fantasia 2000. I figure I should give them another chance as an adult... probably not both at the same time, though.
I've been eating and sleeping like there's no tomorrow here... I think my body might think it needs to hibernate... why it wants to hibernate when spring is here (sometimes) I have no idea.
I'm watching The Lake House right now, with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves... I can't decide if I've seen it before or not... It's not necessarily good, but I'm kinda enjoying it. Makes me want to get a lake house with a magical mail box so that I can write to someone from two years in the past. Preferably not Keanu Reeves though... his eyes are really squinty/tiny. Still I think there is something insanely romantic about a guy waiting 2 years for a girl to sync up time with her. It speaks to my soul... or at least the hopeless romantic/starved for romance part of my soul.... Remember that incredible love story? I can do it again...
please?
Lots of sweet older ladies came up to me at church today... most had tears in their eyes... and my grandmas both had the same look... Ach, that look... makes me wanna break down and cry. It's the look that tells me there is something about me to be pitied. It's the look that says they love me and they wish they could have taken this pain from me. It's the look that says they know, and they are so so sorry. Sometimes it's easier when people don't know... sometimes it's easier when people are "young" (aka my age) and they haven't seen and lived through all the good and bad of life... Sometimes I feel like I'm 27 going on 87... and I just want to go back in time 2 years. I don't even remember what we did 2 years ago on Easter, but if I went back in time I'm sure I'd enjoy it.
My brain is so screwed up sometimes... I want romance, but the only real romance I've ever had was with Nathan... and thinking about love in any way except as a remembering or as a fantasy feels like I'm doing something I shouldn't, when that's not actually true. I know it makes more sense in reverse but what it really feels like is that my brain thinks I'm married when my heart knows that I'm not anymore. My heart wants something that my brain says is off limits... except my brain is out of sync. So I reverse myself about every 5 minutes when it comes to matters of the heart... I know there are plenty of happy-pants answers out there about God being my romance, or about how platonic relationships are just as fulfilling, but I really don't want to hear them. Cause God isn't going to kiss me on New Year's Eve, and platonic friends aren't going to discuss our future children with me, and neither one is going to look at me with that stupid goofy adorable grin that says "I adore everything about you, even your annoying habits" that I miss so much.
But like I said- I'm a hopeless romantic and since this isn't happily ever after, I must be in the second part of a trilogy.... or maybe the beginning of the third, since the second book in a trilogy always seems to end when things are at their darkest. And there is no mistaking when that was.
Yes, I think I've begun my third book. Time to meet me some Ewoks.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Roads
I realized that my picture posts sometimes preclude any deep/semi-deep/personal thoughts, cause I just get caught up in explaining them, so today I'm going to refrain from the niece-and-nephew-palooza (even though we all had a lovely time today- Love you more, Da!) and just show you some pictures of where I grew up.
I don't think I can live at "home," again. I'm too happy with being close to grocery stores and restaurants and movie theatres. I love Springtown and my church family and having people close to my age around. But there are a few things that I love about Northeastern MO... and one of them is how beautiful it is.
Hard to say. Oh yes, hard to say.
I don't think I can live at "home," again. I'm too happy with being close to grocery stores and restaurants and movie theatres. I love Springtown and my church family and having people close to my age around. But there are a few things that I love about Northeastern MO... and one of them is how beautiful it is.
Seriously, idyllic doesn't begin to cut it.
There at the end of the driveway is where I used to wait for the bus. Every morning- for many years.
And this is the view from that vantage point... "The road goes ever, ever on..."
It may sound weird but this is one instance where I vastly prefer the Rankin-Bass animated Hobbit/LotR movies. That song was much better for me as the folk-sy song as heard below- Though I really remember it to the beat of the sadder version with different lyrics that is on the right. Either way I prefer this song.
Anyway, as I was saying...
There is an old barn out behind our house... It's pretty well falling to pieces, but it's really pretty, too, in it's sad, forlorn way. There is probably a parallel to be drawn somewhere from that old barn... either to the loss of the farming way of life, or to the aging dependability of "home." That barn is kinda like the giving tree.
There really isn't a bad view all around my house. It's rather nestled into scenery.
And that scenery includes cows. You see, not all land is good for planting crops... (Aka all the hilly, beautiful stuff) but that just means you throw some cows onto it- and then they calve, and then: idyllic.
And this my friends is probably why I tend to dislike "country" style interior decorating... Because I grew up in it... only it wasn't on the interior, and to see it anywhere but the outdoors makes it feel fake... or dirty.
Of course it's also the reason I have a bent towards nature designs and a love of western shirts with pearl button snaps that defies all logic...
Rhonda and the kiddos went home so that they could be at their church to help out with sound tonight and tomorrow, so tonight has been much quieter than the past few nights have been and it makes me reminisce. I've lived in the same house all my life. I was brought home from the hospital here and we never left. Coming home always makes me feel much taller for a few days, because I remember it from a shorter vantage point for so many of my memories... But it also brings back old feelings... especially from Jr. High and High School. Growing up in the country (especially this far out in the country) is very very different from growing up in a big town- or even just "town." It's beautiful, and it makes you pretty comfortable with silence, but it's also lonely. I have a tendency to believe there are fewer people in this world than there actually are. (One, because people in my life have a tendency of popping up somewhere in my past or at the same time in multiple ways.) But also because I'm at the place I will always call home, and I could walk outside right now and see every star up in the sky... and probably be the only person outside for miles and miles and miles. That tends to make you feel like we are pretty alone in the universe. I know there are those of you who think this sounds like a little piece of paradise on Earth, but I guess it just proves that I'm an extrovert, because it makes me sad... and wistful... and melancholy.
I think that's the worst thing about cancer... and death.. It's ability to make you feel so keenly alone, even when surrounded by people who want to be there for you and who love you.
Or mayhaps I just feel this way, because I listened to "Road Goes Ever On and On" too many times.
Or mayhaps I just feel this way, because I listened to "Road Goes Ever On and On" too many times.
Hard to say. Oh yes, hard to say.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Elusive Silver Gilding
I love cable TV channels. I think this is a fact generally well known to all. Especially Bravo. There is something about their brand of reality tv that I find both fascinating and addictive... but I've not been watching a lot of TV as of late and I think there is a reason for this. I'm at home, as most everyone knows and my parents have cable (well, it's technically satellite) and I've noticed that TV is pretty well chock full of emotional landmines for me. Yesterday, it was a commercial for something where the man was talking about the beautiful things he's seen in his life (and we keep seeing home footage of a girl/lady growing older) and then he says the most beautiful image he's ever seen is the image that the drs used to catch his wife's cancer early, so that she could be cured. And then you see the same woman and a man looking at something in a dr. office, and then even later at like a grandkid's birthday party or something... and it's really sweet, but... ach. Sometimes it's so hard not to ask "Why us? Why him?" But I know that's a hard, sad path to walk, and one without any resolution. So I try to keep focused on other things...
Went shopping today, like old times... well, with the addition of two little ones. It was fun, though, and honestly the kids did great, for being out all day... Plus Mom got to eat at Chik-fil-a twice in one day! I taught Rhonda how to play a game on my PSP... Unfortunately the battery wasn't fully charged so she didn't get to play for long... but I have no doubt if she had she would currently be wiping the floor with my Katamari scores... She's always been better at video games than me... I just like them.
Most adorable moment of the trip went to Jeriah, who seemed to develop a bit of a crush on an Old Navy mannequin. He just went over and gave her a long hug... He stopped just as I got my camera out, so we made him do it again, so you all could enjoy it as well.
True love.
And that's pretty well when I stopped taking pictures while we were out. I had stores to visit and things to buy!
So I'll show you some pictures I took after we got home- Here we see the beautiful Kadin showing off her new purse (seen around head), pink skirt, and shoes. Trust me when I say that the black purse is a much classier purse than the blue sequined dog purse she almost got.
Jeriah got cowboy boots! Those are actually rather hard to find without characters on them. Also of interest: Jeriah wears the same size shoe as Kadin. He is not quite three and she is 5 and a half.
I especially enjoy the one pant leg up, one down look he was sporting pretty well all night... though which pant leg switched a few times.
And! We finished the gingerbread church!
I know you can't see them very well, but those are some really awesome bushes on the side of that church... along with... you know... the roof... and the silver plated floor inside the church. Only in the most holiest of Gummi Bear churches do you see examples of the elusive silver gilded floor.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Magnets and Gingerbread
Well, today has been quite busy. Woke up, showered, went to Memphis, which is not the same town I saw 9 months ago! Had lunch with my grandparents and aunt, went to my parents house, spent most of the rest of the day decorating a gingerbread church and fending off Kadin and Jeriah... Cause decorating an Easter church is more difficult than it might seem, and the help of an almost three year old isn't as useful as it sounds. I took some pictures that I will share with you, though there will be many more on Facebook when I return home.
Firstly, I have mentioned to a few people that my mother is a collector of things.. one of the largest being magnets... then when I mention that she had my dad metal plate the kitchen walls above the chair rail so she could put magnets on them, I get several kinds of reactions- but always a request for pictures. Today, I bring you pictures. This one is taken from the entrance to the kitchen.
Firstly, I have mentioned to a few people that my mother is a collector of things.. one of the largest being magnets... then when I mention that she had my dad metal plate the kitchen walls above the chair rail so she could put magnets on them, I get several kinds of reactions- but always a request for pictures. Today, I bring you pictures. This one is taken from the entrance to the kitchen.
Did I mention they are organized by theme? Cause they are.
See where the refrigerator meets the wall there?
Here's a look down the side!
And that's the wall next to the fridge.
She has somewhere around 4,000 magnets, she thinks... The ones that are up aren't even nearly all of them, She tells me that all the holiday ones are put away upstairs. I so wasn't kidding about the organized by category. I've kinda forgotten how weird it is... and then someone asks me for pictures, and it feels a little bit like I grew up in Graceland and people are wanting pictures of the Jungle Room... What? You mean green shag carpeting on the ceiling isn't normal?
OK, on to the gingerbread church:
You know why we make gingerbread churches at Easter?
1) Cause we like the look of stained glass windows
Sooo pretty! Jolly Ranchers-- Much better as decoration than as a candy.
2) Christmas is already too busy to spend so much time on one project.
And when Rhonda and I decide to spend some time on a project, we really go for it... We decided to leave off one side of the roof of the church to let light in for the windows... but that meant we needed something to go inside... AKA congregants for the church. Luckily, the bear families were willing to come. We are especially proud of our multi-racial family, seen above. :)
Yes, that's a bear preacher... and a bear playing the piano off to the side. No one gets into a project the way those girls formerly known as Miller do!
And this is my saddest moment... You see I had great hopes to make a huge tree for the front of the church... a huge tree that was 3 dimensional and stood up by itself.. It would have been really flippin' cool...But the tree just couldn't take it and cracked under pressure... Mom says we needed to bake the gingerbread longer, or it was too humid today. Considering we had a massive rainstorm, I'm going to say it was the humidity that done her in. Also pictured: dishwasher detergent and my toes.
You notice there are no pictures of the finished product? This is because it's not technically done. The roof needed some drying out time, and we ran out of royal icing, and didn't want to make more... Plus the kiddos were getting restless cause Rhonda and I spent all day working on this rather than solely focused on them.
So you will get finished gingerbread church pictures some other day... and as for today the only other thing I have to say is:
You see those two glorious coconut cream pies? I'm loved.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
In which a boy falls asleep
Well, I *was* awoken by Jeriah, but he was being very quiet and just whispering to himself as he played, which honestly is totally adorable, so I will forgive him. Kadin and Jeriah have a fun game they now play called, "climb all over Renee." It is accomplished by finding where Renee is and climbing all over her. I've had my toes stepped on, my ribs kicked, and my ears grabbed about 4,000 times, and I kinda love it... though that might be because I've also been hugged that many times, too. I don't think I realized how much they were holding in when they were seeing Nathan and I when he was sick and for the funeral... Makes me miss Nathan, too, though. He loved these kiddos so much. Kadin drew a picture of him for me... He kinda looks like a white Steve Urkle (how's that for a mid nineties pop culture reference!), but I think it's sweet.
Jeriah is normally loud... like shrieking loud, but he's coming close to being understandable to me... Rhonda still has to translate every once in a while... He also likes to go through my stuff... He put my lotion on his hands about 5 times today and once when we were making the gingerbread (and therefore distracted) he put it on his legs, too... He also found my pumice stone and told me he was going to take it outside because it was a rock. Kadin on the other hand is obsessed with Angry Birds on my phone. She is very excited about the random golden egg levels you can find, though I've not cleared enough levels to have many. We read 3 or four books today and an American Girl catalog... Wow, those dolls have changed since I was little... They don't even make Samantha, Felicity, and Kirsten anymore! (sorry boys, I know you in all likelihood have not a clue what I'm talking about... but then again, perhaps you do.. I'm sure some of you had sisters!)
I just realized that Rhonda doesn't have her caps lock key on her laptop keyboard. I can't help but wonder it this is because she was always turning it on by accident or if it is a casualty of something (like childrens). I also just noticed that Firefox is not flagging the word "Turing," which is what you get when you accidentally don't type the n in "turning." Assuaging my natural curiosity I googled it and and found out that a Turing test is named for Alan Turing, and it is a "test of a machine's ability to demonstrate intelligence." This has been your ffd.
Oh, for the love of all that's adorable! Just now Jeriah came out to the living room where I'm blogging, crying. (He passed his parent's room on the way.) I asked him what was wrong and if he wanted to go find mommy, and his response was to climb up into my lap and fall asleep. And when I say fall asleep I mean it took him all of about 6 seconds to do so. Melt my heart and make some brownies!
mmmmm melted heart brownies.
Of course, I didn't really know what to do at that point so I just held him for a little bit and then took him back to bed... I figure that's a safe enough option.
Moments like that are pretty much why I can't give up on my future... Too sweet, too precious, too special.
Jeriah is normally loud... like shrieking loud, but he's coming close to being understandable to me... Rhonda still has to translate every once in a while... He also likes to go through my stuff... He put my lotion on his hands about 5 times today and once when we were making the gingerbread (and therefore distracted) he put it on his legs, too... He also found my pumice stone and told me he was going to take it outside because it was a rock. Kadin on the other hand is obsessed with Angry Birds on my phone. She is very excited about the random golden egg levels you can find, though I've not cleared enough levels to have many. We read 3 or four books today and an American Girl catalog... Wow, those dolls have changed since I was little... They don't even make Samantha, Felicity, and Kirsten anymore! (sorry boys, I know you in all likelihood have not a clue what I'm talking about... but then again, perhaps you do.. I'm sure some of you had sisters!)
I just realized that Rhonda doesn't have her caps lock key on her laptop keyboard. I can't help but wonder it this is because she was always turning it on by accident or if it is a casualty of something (like childrens). I also just noticed that Firefox is not flagging the word "Turing," which is what you get when you accidentally don't type the n in "turning." Assuaging my natural curiosity I googled it and and found out that a Turing test is named for Alan Turing, and it is a "test of a machine's ability to demonstrate intelligence." This has been your ffd.
Oh, for the love of all that's adorable! Just now Jeriah came out to the living room where I'm blogging, crying. (He passed his parent's room on the way.) I asked him what was wrong and if he wanted to go find mommy, and his response was to climb up into my lap and fall asleep. And when I say fall asleep I mean it took him all of about 6 seconds to do so. Melt my heart and make some brownies!
mmmmm melted heart brownies.
Of course, I didn't really know what to do at that point so I just held him for a little bit and then took him back to bed... I figure that's a safe enough option.
Moments like that are pretty much why I can't give up on my future... Too sweet, too precious, too special.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
GPS Life Lessons
I have learned some very important lessons today regarding my GPS.
1) It takes a really long time to download map upgrades.... a REALLY long time... I was planning on leaving at 4 or so-- earlier if I could. So I started the map download all unawares. You see I was going to update the maps last night but there was a problem with the security certificate (the problem remained this afternoon but I took a chance... I'm such a rebel!). So I started the map download/update at 3:15 thinking I was giving it plenty of time... or not. I left as soon as the maps were updated... at 6:15.
2) Even though I got the latest update, the poor little GPS is still confused by the awesome new bypasses that have sprung up since the last time I came homeward... He just kept trying to re-ca-alculate over and over.. I'm surprised he didn't just throw his imaginary hands in the air and say, "Blimey! 'Ow did you get over there? There's no' even a road there!" (I have my GPS set to the male British dude.) He calls exit ramps "slip roads" and I think it's just adorable.
3) Never trust a GPS in the country. I know how to get to my sister's house from Kirksville, but my GPS told me to go a different way... I did, thinking maybe it was a better way. It's was NOT a better way! It was a series of 4 or 5 crazy curvy back roads with a posted speed limit of 55 but it's absolutely impossible to actually go 55 on them because of all the hills and curves and road signs with a suggested speed of 35 on the next mile... and those signs show up every mile. So while the GPS told me I would get here at 11:13 suddenly it turned into 11:26, because it was judging me for listening to MoDot and not careening into the dark at a breakneck pace. (And yes, on these unfamiliar snake roads at 11:00 at night, 55 would have been a pace to break your neck at.) I saw one other car the whole time. I'm really glad my life isn't a horror movie cause I would be murdered about 45 different ways right now. I think Navi was mad at me for driving on the bypasses... but no Camdenton or Lake of the Ozarks traffic? Heck, yeah!
Yes, I call my GPS, "Navi" ... Yes, it is named after the fairy in Ocarina of Time. It only seems appropriate. I mean it's pretty well constantly saying, "Hey! Listen!"
Well, I think I'm going to try and go to bed now... it's really early for me but I'm tired from driving and belting out songs for 5.5 hours, and apparently my sister is a crazy person who tells my parents that she wakes up at 9 or 9:30. Of course, since Jeriah was asleep when I got here I actually expect to be awoken by pouncing or head butting earlier than 9:00. He's all boy, that one.
1) It takes a really long time to download map upgrades.... a REALLY long time... I was planning on leaving at 4 or so-- earlier if I could. So I started the map download all unawares. You see I was going to update the maps last night but there was a problem with the security certificate (the problem remained this afternoon but I took a chance... I'm such a rebel!). So I started the map download/update at 3:15 thinking I was giving it plenty of time... or not. I left as soon as the maps were updated... at 6:15.
2) Even though I got the latest update, the poor little GPS is still confused by the awesome new bypasses that have sprung up since the last time I came homeward... He just kept trying to re-ca-alculate over and over.. I'm surprised he didn't just throw his imaginary hands in the air and say, "Blimey! 'Ow did you get over there? There's no' even a road there!" (I have my GPS set to the male British dude.) He calls exit ramps "slip roads" and I think it's just adorable.
3) Never trust a GPS in the country. I know how to get to my sister's house from Kirksville, but my GPS told me to go a different way... I did, thinking maybe it was a better way. It's was NOT a better way! It was a series of 4 or 5 crazy curvy back roads with a posted speed limit of 55 but it's absolutely impossible to actually go 55 on them because of all the hills and curves and road signs with a suggested speed of 35 on the next mile... and those signs show up every mile. So while the GPS told me I would get here at 11:13 suddenly it turned into 11:26, because it was judging me for listening to MoDot and not careening into the dark at a breakneck pace. (And yes, on these unfamiliar snake roads at 11:00 at night, 55 would have been a pace to break your neck at.) I saw one other car the whole time. I'm really glad my life isn't a horror movie cause I would be murdered about 45 different ways right now. I think Navi was mad at me for driving on the bypasses... but no Camdenton or Lake of the Ozarks traffic? Heck, yeah!
Yes, I call my GPS, "Navi" ... Yes, it is named after the fairy in Ocarina of Time. It only seems appropriate. I mean it's pretty well constantly saying, "Hey! Listen!"
Well, I think I'm going to try and go to bed now... it's really early for me but I'm tired from driving and belting out songs for 5.5 hours, and apparently my sister is a crazy person who tells my parents that she wakes up at 9 or 9:30. Of course, since Jeriah was asleep when I got here I actually expect to be awoken by pouncing or head butting earlier than 9:00. He's all boy, that one.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Currently avoiding: Packing
That xanga flashback has been brought to you by the year 2004.
I've discovered I don't like packing. I used to. But then packing started to involve crying and hospitals. Every time Nathan had to go to the ER I would cry. He would always calm me down and tell me it was going to be ok... but every time it would just break me down.. at the time when I needed the most to keep it together I would lose it. And packing brings it all back... all the times I was just throwing things into a suitcase cause we were leaving in 30 minutes for St. Louis... or I needed to get back to the hospital to Nathan. It's time to start having positive associations with packing again. I need to go on many happy vacations. I'm actually really excited that Kara is having her baby at Cox, because 1) Hopefully when I go to visit her I will be able to visit the beauties of 5 West and 2) it's going to be a happy time in a hospital... I'm actually really glad that Nathan was at Barnes when he died... because I may never have to go there again, and if I do, it's very doubtful that it will be that ICU.
Guess what? My Prius will be in very soon! It's coming sometime from the 20th to the 25th... which is the time that I will be at home for, unfortunately...Darn missing the awesome gas mileage on this trip! But this will give the Jeep and I one last hurrah, before I have to clean it out... The salesman had previously told me I got the last Prius on the lot for 4 months, and he told me today that they'd heard from Toyota and Toyota is cutting back the numbers you can order and putting dealerships on backlog... (I'm sure it's because of all the horrible things that have happened in Japan lately :( Pray for Japan.) So he told me I actually got the last Prius on the lot for 6 months to a year (except for the used ones that might appear at any moment and be snatched up just as quickly). He said it was divine intervention that I was able to get one. I like to think it was, even if I know that God isn't overly concerned about my car. He's concerned about me and I was concerned about a car.
Just now I was cleaning off my desk and discovered a card with a donation to the Memorial Fund in it... I may have let the mail on my desk pile up a bit... and by a bit I mean a whole lot.... like this was mailed at the end of February... and it's late mid-April. Nathan would be going crazy if he had to put up with the state of the desk right now. When I get back you all have to tell me to clean up the office, cause it's getting bad.
Ok I need to go and finish packing.. I feel like I should say goodbye to you, but that's the wonderful thing about the internet... you aren't actually going to be away from me. You are coming, too!
BTW I will attempt to remember to take pictures so you can know where you are going... with me.
Ok, bye for now. Love you, bunches. Or as Nathan and I used to say, "Love you bunches and bunches of oats... all of them... All the bunches and all the oats.... Love you all the bunches." We had a tendency to create our own little scripts... and we had a thing about repeating the same thing over and over. It's a little hard to explain, but just go with it. I loved him all the bunches.
I've discovered I don't like packing. I used to. But then packing started to involve crying and hospitals. Every time Nathan had to go to the ER I would cry. He would always calm me down and tell me it was going to be ok... but every time it would just break me down.. at the time when I needed the most to keep it together I would lose it. And packing brings it all back... all the times I was just throwing things into a suitcase cause we were leaving in 30 minutes for St. Louis... or I needed to get back to the hospital to Nathan. It's time to start having positive associations with packing again. I need to go on many happy vacations. I'm actually really excited that Kara is having her baby at Cox, because 1) Hopefully when I go to visit her I will be able to visit the beauties of 5 West and 2) it's going to be a happy time in a hospital... I'm actually really glad that Nathan was at Barnes when he died... because I may never have to go there again, and if I do, it's very doubtful that it will be that ICU.
Guess what? My Prius will be in very soon! It's coming sometime from the 20th to the 25th... which is the time that I will be at home for, unfortunately...Darn missing the awesome gas mileage on this trip! But this will give the Jeep and I one last hurrah, before I have to clean it out... The salesman had previously told me I got the last Prius on the lot for 4 months, and he told me today that they'd heard from Toyota and Toyota is cutting back the numbers you can order and putting dealerships on backlog... (I'm sure it's because of all the horrible things that have happened in Japan lately :( Pray for Japan.) So he told me I actually got the last Prius on the lot for 6 months to a year (except for the used ones that might appear at any moment and be snatched up just as quickly). He said it was divine intervention that I was able to get one. I like to think it was, even if I know that God isn't overly concerned about my car. He's concerned about me and I was concerned about a car.
Just now I was cleaning off my desk and discovered a card with a donation to the Memorial Fund in it... I may have let the mail on my desk pile up a bit... and by a bit I mean a whole lot.... like this was mailed at the end of February... and it's late mid-April. Nathan would be going crazy if he had to put up with the state of the desk right now. When I get back you all have to tell me to clean up the office, cause it's getting bad.
Ok I need to go and finish packing.. I feel like I should say goodbye to you, but that's the wonderful thing about the internet... you aren't actually going to be away from me. You are coming, too!
BTW I will attempt to remember to take pictures so you can know where you are going... with me.
Ok, bye for now. Love you, bunches. Or as Nathan and I used to say, "Love you bunches and bunches of oats... all of them... All the bunches and all the oats.... Love you all the bunches." We had a tendency to create our own little scripts... and we had a thing about repeating the same thing over and over. It's a little hard to explain, but just go with it. I loved him all the bunches.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Remember that?
I leave for northern MO in 2 days...well technically, I'll be in northern MO in two days... I leave in the middle of the day. Don't worry, though, I'm sure my sister will let me use her computer to blog while I'm at home. Oh and for any robber types out there reading this, I live in an apartment complex right next door to my best friend who doesn't work and frequently drops by my place when I am not there to "borrow" Pepsis and movies/TV shows. And my landlord is around all the time, too, Not to mention I don't really have that good of stuff to steal.. so let it go, man, let it go.
Anyway all that to say: I need to pack.... and do laundry. The days have escaped me, so tomorrow night is gonna be a bit of a scramble to get everything together. I do so love a challenge, I suppose.... I'm not actually sure that is a true statement I just uttered.... or typed.
Oh, here's a challenge I love- Song challenge time! There is a rather popular current song where a group of people are singing "When they..." and it's auto tuned... Every time I hear it, I think, "That sounds like they are singing, 'Renée.'" Can you figure out what song I'm speaking of? Bonus random song tidbit: I like to think that in the song "Dynamite" Taio Cruz is actually singing, "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ay-oh, Galileo." (actual lyric is "gotta let go") I think the song is much more amusing when you think about it being sung to the Italian physicist/mathematician/astronomer. Taio and his homeboy Galileo, gonna rock that club.
Do you remember a while ago when I said that I got news that made me gasp and then sob? Well, I've finally been given permission to blog about it. Kara (and Josh) are having a baby boy! And they are naming him Bolt, which I just love. It's Josh's mom's maiden name and both Josh and his sister's middle names and it's just an awesome name. But the news that made me gasp and cry is that his middle name is going to be Nathan.... for my Nathan. Makes me tear up again, just typing it. Nathan would have been so honored. I'm so touched. I love my friends very much.
Today I was at a meeting where people were talking about our church, and someone said something, that I'm taking totally out of context. He was talking about our church and the things he has seen God do in/through the church and feeling like it could repeat, if He wants.. and the way this person described it was that he felt like God said, "Remember that? I can do it again...." And it got to me, in a big way- though personally rather than in the general church context, as it was meant to refer. You see, the whole time I was sitting in the meeting I was just so sad, because I was missing Nathan.. I was missing the camaraderie... someone who I can talk to with just a glance... someone whose exact thoughts I know, just by their body language. And then this guy said, "Remember that? I can do it again. And it may not look exactly the same, but I can do it again." And I stopped being able to subtly hide my tears... Because I was suddenly flooded with all the memories of how wonderful my relationship with Nathan was...
I get so scared sometimes that I've used up/ filled up my love card. That God will get back to me when He's matched up all the other deserving people in the world (cause you know that God makes people wait their turn, don't cha?) Or that any other relationship I have is going to somehow be diluted, because I was once married to someone else, or just that something will somehow be *less* than what I once had... and having someone remind me that God can do it again- and while it won't be the same, it will be just as good... Remember that friendship? I can do it again. Remember that understanding? I can do it again. Remember that laughter? I can do it again. Remember that happiness? I can do it again. Remember that sense of comfort and peace? I can do it again. Remember that love? I can do it again. Remember that joy? I can do it again. It got to me... What I had with Nathan doesn't have to end with Nathan's life. Remember that? I can do it again. That and someone hugged me in a, "we love you, and it's going to be ok" kind of a way, just as all of that started to hit. Sympathy: easiest way to cause me to break down, ever... Well that and yelling at me, but sympathy is much nicer.
I think I'm still trying to figure out how to grieve as a part of a community... how to let others see it happen in me. I mean I know I share on here... but in person, I try to keep under control as much as I can. Melissa was telling me tonight that letting others see what's happening in me is good for them.. and in a lot of ways that's a foreign concept to me. I feel like me being strong is good for people. And don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm "strong" because I'm feeling strong... but sometimes I'm strong cause I don't want to bring everyone down... and admit that I'm not. Oh grief, you fickle minx.
In other news, Nathan's cousin posted this blog link on Facebook that I have to share with you. It's about dying eggs for Easter. Dying them to make the coolest flipping eggs I've ever seen in my entire life. I fully expect the thrift stores in Springfield to be out of silk ties by the end of the day, this is that cool.
Seriously- Look at this.
I might start buying a collection of silk things now- for the Easter of my future children.
"For the Easter of my future children" I really like the feel of that phrase... like it should be in a poem, or the end of a piece of classic literature... It's like a hopeful version of "the winter of our discontent."
Wow... yes, I did just compare my writing to that of William Shakespeare... My ego apparently knows no bounds.
Anyway all that to say: I need to pack.... and do laundry. The days have escaped me, so tomorrow night is gonna be a bit of a scramble to get everything together. I do so love a challenge, I suppose.... I'm not actually sure that is a true statement I just uttered.... or typed.
Oh, here's a challenge I love- Song challenge time! There is a rather popular current song where a group of people are singing "When they..." and it's auto tuned... Every time I hear it, I think, "That sounds like they are singing, 'Renée.'" Can you figure out what song I'm speaking of? Bonus random song tidbit: I like to think that in the song "Dynamite" Taio Cruz is actually singing, "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ay-oh, Galileo." (actual lyric is "gotta let go") I think the song is much more amusing when you think about it being sung to the Italian physicist/mathematician/astronomer. Taio and his homeboy Galileo, gonna rock that club.
Do you remember a while ago when I said that I got news that made me gasp and then sob? Well, I've finally been given permission to blog about it. Kara (and Josh) are having a baby boy! And they are naming him Bolt, which I just love. It's Josh's mom's maiden name and both Josh and his sister's middle names and it's just an awesome name. But the news that made me gasp and cry is that his middle name is going to be Nathan.... for my Nathan. Makes me tear up again, just typing it. Nathan would have been so honored. I'm so touched. I love my friends very much.
Today I was at a meeting where people were talking about our church, and someone said something, that I'm taking totally out of context. He was talking about our church and the things he has seen God do in/through the church and feeling like it could repeat, if He wants.. and the way this person described it was that he felt like God said, "Remember that? I can do it again...." And it got to me, in a big way- though personally rather than in the general church context, as it was meant to refer. You see, the whole time I was sitting in the meeting I was just so sad, because I was missing Nathan.. I was missing the camaraderie... someone who I can talk to with just a glance... someone whose exact thoughts I know, just by their body language. And then this guy said, "Remember that? I can do it again. And it may not look exactly the same, but I can do it again." And I stopped being able to subtly hide my tears... Because I was suddenly flooded with all the memories of how wonderful my relationship with Nathan was...
I get so scared sometimes that I've used up/ filled up my love card. That God will get back to me when He's matched up all the other deserving people in the world (cause you know that God makes people wait their turn, don't cha?) Or that any other relationship I have is going to somehow be diluted, because I was once married to someone else, or just that something will somehow be *less* than what I once had... and having someone remind me that God can do it again- and while it won't be the same, it will be just as good... Remember that friendship? I can do it again. Remember that understanding? I can do it again. Remember that laughter? I can do it again. Remember that happiness? I can do it again. Remember that sense of comfort and peace? I can do it again. Remember that love? I can do it again. Remember that joy? I can do it again. It got to me... What I had with Nathan doesn't have to end with Nathan's life. Remember that? I can do it again. That and someone hugged me in a, "we love you, and it's going to be ok" kind of a way, just as all of that started to hit. Sympathy: easiest way to cause me to break down, ever... Well that and yelling at me, but sympathy is much nicer.
I think I'm still trying to figure out how to grieve as a part of a community... how to let others see it happen in me. I mean I know I share on here... but in person, I try to keep under control as much as I can. Melissa was telling me tonight that letting others see what's happening in me is good for them.. and in a lot of ways that's a foreign concept to me. I feel like me being strong is good for people. And don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm "strong" because I'm feeling strong... but sometimes I'm strong cause I don't want to bring everyone down... and admit that I'm not. Oh grief, you fickle minx.
In other news, Nathan's cousin posted this blog link on Facebook that I have to share with you. It's about dying eggs for Easter. Dying them to make the coolest flipping eggs I've ever seen in my entire life. I fully expect the thrift stores in Springfield to be out of silk ties by the end of the day, this is that cool.
Seriously- Look at this.
"For the Easter of my future children" I really like the feel of that phrase... like it should be in a poem, or the end of a piece of classic literature... It's like a hopeful version of "the winter of our discontent."
Wow... yes, I did just compare my writing to that of William Shakespeare... My ego apparently knows no bounds.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Ketchup! I keep forgetting to buy ketchup!
I'm going to attempt to avoid staying up as late as I did yesterday.
I'll only tell you how late it was if you remember that I'm adorable.
You remember?
5:30.... AM.
Yeah, I know..... that really is bad... I know lots of people get *up* at 5:30 AM... and starving children in Zimbabwae don't even get to stay up, much less until 5:30 AM... ok, so that metaphor doesn't stand up to being taken totally out of context. Memo to self.
I ran into my friend at Wal-mart at 11:30 tonight... Neither of us normally shop at 11:30 at night, but I told her to tie her shoe. I think it might have been divine intervention. I mean what if she has continued to shop with an untied shoelace? She might have tripped and hurt herself and been unable to work out for months! ... and she's a fitness class instructor so that would really have been much worse than it sounds.
I bought some cereal and I have to ask- crisped rice cereal- are all the "Pebbles" brand flattened or just "Cupcake Pebbles?" Because I don't remember Cocoa Krispies being flattened and I know the off brand aren't.. but my cupcake pebbles were flattened. Hey, stop judging me for getting a cereal called cupcake pebbles... They have to be better for you than an actual cupcake-- I mean all breakfast cereals add vitamins and minerals and cupcakerys don't do that. Sides you know you're just jealous.
Why is it that whenever I want to go to bed earlier I have stuff I have to get done- "And miles to go before I sleep" but whenever I want to stay up late I have nothing to do... or is it that I have nothing to do and so I stay up late? Chicken... egg.... chicken.... egg....
Suddenly
feeling
rather like
Will-
iam
Shatner.
"That's the one I left out. God bless Kirk!" (the names have been changed to protect the innocent... quote integrity.) Cause really when was the last time you heard about quote integrity doing something bad? Never, right? I think it's pretty well as innocent as they come.
I think there might have been a lot of sugar in those Cupcake Pebbles... But my daddy would tell you I'm just being hyper right before I crash.
I think my daddy is right.
I just described my blog tonight, and was told I needed to put it at the end. So I will, cause as we've talked about before, I'm easily bossed.
It's reads a lot like I turned my brain speed up to 90 and then just let it run around like a happy meal toy.
I'll only tell you how late it was if you remember that I'm adorable.
You remember?
5:30.... AM.
Yeah, I know..... that really is bad... I know lots of people get *up* at 5:30 AM... and starving children in Zimbabwae don't even get to stay up, much less until 5:30 AM... ok, so that metaphor doesn't stand up to being taken totally out of context. Memo to self.
I ran into my friend at Wal-mart at 11:30 tonight... Neither of us normally shop at 11:30 at night, but I told her to tie her shoe. I think it might have been divine intervention. I mean what if she has continued to shop with an untied shoelace? She might have tripped and hurt herself and been unable to work out for months! ... and she's a fitness class instructor so that would really have been much worse than it sounds.
I bought some cereal and I have to ask- crisped rice cereal- are all the "Pebbles" brand flattened or just "Cupcake Pebbles?" Because I don't remember Cocoa Krispies being flattened and I know the off brand aren't.. but my cupcake pebbles were flattened. Hey, stop judging me for getting a cereal called cupcake pebbles... They have to be better for you than an actual cupcake-- I mean all breakfast cereals add vitamins and minerals and cupcakerys don't do that. Sides you know you're just jealous.
Why is it that whenever I want to go to bed earlier I have stuff I have to get done- "And miles to go before I sleep" but whenever I want to stay up late I have nothing to do... or is it that I have nothing to do and so I stay up late? Chicken... egg.... chicken.... egg....
Suddenly
feeling
rather like
Will-
iam
Shatner.
"That's the one I left out. God bless Kirk!" (the names have been changed to protect the innocent... quote integrity.) Cause really when was the last time you heard about quote integrity doing something bad? Never, right? I think it's pretty well as innocent as they come.
I think there might have been a lot of sugar in those Cupcake Pebbles... But my daddy would tell you I'm just being hyper right before I crash.
I think my daddy is right.
I just described my blog tonight, and was told I needed to put it at the end. So I will, cause as we've talked about before, I'm easily bossed.
It's reads a lot like I turned my brain speed up to 90 and then just let it run around like a happy meal toy.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Blogging, karaoke, and an idea...
So I just read a friend's blog... ok, technically we aren't friends... we are just acquaintances from college... He writes a blog that I read from time to time, though he talks about baseball with alarming frequency, so I don't follow it religiously. Full disclosure, right? Anyway, he's going on vacation in the beginning of May, and he's looking for guest bloggers while he's gone... and I'm considering sending him a blog. It might be a little weird, but I figure if it's that weird he can always choose not to post it... and it could be interesting. It could draw more people to my blog. I mean I know that it's not about readership, but...I don't know... I want to be known I think... I want my story to be known. I want the world to know about Nathan... or at least more of the world. Ironic that I find ambition in this, isn't it? What marks you as an official blogger, eh? Is it when you hit a certain number of posts, or a certain amount of time posting with reliable frequency, or is it when suddenly the idea of writing a blog to post on someone else's blog sounds like it might be a good idea.
I'm not sure... at the moment it's just a thought... feels like I should have a good idea of what to talk about before I make a decision to send a post to someone else. Suddenly I feel like I'm back in the middle of play auditions all over again. Thank goodness I don't have to come up with 16 bars of music!
I kinda want to do karaoke... why do all the karaoke bars have to be so smokey? That's not helpful for the karaoke singer's lungs! Maybe I should just buy the Glee karaoke game and sing in the privacy of my own home to my own self. I'm kinda paranoid about my singing voice... I mean I'm not actually sure if I have a good voice or not...It sounds good in my head, but I've watched enough American Idol auditions to know that means *nothing*... and my family says so, but they kinda have to, and some people at my home church have told me so, but once again... when you start singing in church at age... (I'm gonna guess 5?) Well, of course they are going to give you compliments! It seems like when it really counts, though, there is always someone better... and yes, I understand that is the nature of life, to some extent, but when push comes to shove it seems like the people who really *know* music don't really care for my voice. It's kinda a bummer, cause I love to sing, but I dunno, after a while you start to take the hint. And then you switch your major to just regular theatre rather than putting yourself through the torture of vocal lessons with a lady who thinks you are a soprano and that there is something wrong with your vocal chords... I think it might have been hard for her to accept that I'm not an opera singer.... but that's just not something I'm cut out for, and I think I've always known that! *shudder* So, basically, I want to do karaoke because it gives me an excuse to sing, and an excuse to be terrible, if that's what I am... and no one will think that I think I'm any good, if I'm not. Oh the convolution that is my mind, sometimes! Seriously, I know I care too much.
Ok, blog world, that's not something that I think I've told anyone... Normally, I just thank people if they compliment me and never let on to the seething mass of insecurity that lies just underneath the surface. You know, I think that's pretty well how I live my life... a shiny surface to cover the turbulent waters of insecurity boiling through my veins. Perhaps that's how everyone lives their lives? I don't really know. I'm pretty sure it's not totally healthy, though.
*abrupt subject change*
I've been thinking about having some sort of gathering... I'm not really even sure what to call it... some sort of memoriam or wake or something. I want a place, a time, an event where people talk about Nathan. To tell funny stories or sweet stories or sad stories. I want to talk about him and I want to hear other people talk about him, but I'm afraid to do it. I think we all are, cause no one wants to bring it up to me... and I don't want to be the downer girl. But I want a place where I can laugh with people, where I can hear stories I never heard before, and relive/hear stories I've heard a million times... I want a time where I can cry and laugh and remember and not try and forget or hide when I am remembering. I haven't done it... a few times the days after we lost him I got together with friends and I thought it might be something akin to what I'm talking about, but it never was. It was too raw, too fresh, too hard, and I didn't know how to ask for it. What do you think? Am I the only one who feels the need for this?
I'm not sure... at the moment it's just a thought... feels like I should have a good idea of what to talk about before I make a decision to send a post to someone else. Suddenly I feel like I'm back in the middle of play auditions all over again. Thank goodness I don't have to come up with 16 bars of music!
I kinda want to do karaoke... why do all the karaoke bars have to be so smokey? That's not helpful for the karaoke singer's lungs! Maybe I should just buy the Glee karaoke game and sing in the privacy of my own home to my own self. I'm kinda paranoid about my singing voice... I mean I'm not actually sure if I have a good voice or not...It sounds good in my head, but I've watched enough American Idol auditions to know that means *nothing*... and my family says so, but they kinda have to, and some people at my home church have told me so, but once again... when you start singing in church at age... (I'm gonna guess 5?) Well, of course they are going to give you compliments! It seems like when it really counts, though, there is always someone better... and yes, I understand that is the nature of life, to some extent, but when push comes to shove it seems like the people who really *know* music don't really care for my voice. It's kinda a bummer, cause I love to sing, but I dunno, after a while you start to take the hint. And then you switch your major to just regular theatre rather than putting yourself through the torture of vocal lessons with a lady who thinks you are a soprano and that there is something wrong with your vocal chords... I think it might have been hard for her to accept that I'm not an opera singer.... but that's just not something I'm cut out for, and I think I've always known that! *shudder* So, basically, I want to do karaoke because it gives me an excuse to sing, and an excuse to be terrible, if that's what I am... and no one will think that I think I'm any good, if I'm not. Oh the convolution that is my mind, sometimes! Seriously, I know I care too much.
Ok, blog world, that's not something that I think I've told anyone... Normally, I just thank people if they compliment me and never let on to the seething mass of insecurity that lies just underneath the surface. You know, I think that's pretty well how I live my life... a shiny surface to cover the turbulent waters of insecurity boiling through my veins. Perhaps that's how everyone lives their lives? I don't really know. I'm pretty sure it's not totally healthy, though.
*abrupt subject change*
I've been thinking about having some sort of gathering... I'm not really even sure what to call it... some sort of memoriam or wake or something. I want a place, a time, an event where people talk about Nathan. To tell funny stories or sweet stories or sad stories. I want to talk about him and I want to hear other people talk about him, but I'm afraid to do it. I think we all are, cause no one wants to bring it up to me... and I don't want to be the downer girl. But I want a place where I can laugh with people, where I can hear stories I never heard before, and relive/hear stories I've heard a million times... I want a time where I can cry and laugh and remember and not try and forget or hide when I am remembering. I haven't done it... a few times the days after we lost him I got together with friends and I thought it might be something akin to what I'm talking about, but it never was. It was too raw, too fresh, too hard, and I didn't know how to ask for it. What do you think? Am I the only one who feels the need for this?
Friday, April 15, 2011
The "One"
I watched a movie today in which science had figured out a way to put a timer on your wrist that would count down the time until you met your soul mate... And people kept referring to their person as "the one." The main character had a timer, but hers was blank (which meant that her "one" didn't have a timer yet.) Now, I know the physics of this whole premise is insane... but I couldn't help but think how nice it would be, to just know, without a doubt who the "one" for you is. Only that's also where I ran into a problem with the movie. There was a widower in the movie... and he didn't have a timer. And eventually he gets a timer... and it has a count down... and so that means (it is inferred) that his 1st wife wasn't his "one." And that's where it all falls apart... Because if this is the person as they keep saying over and over that "you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with"... what happens when their life ends and yours doesn't? Does the timer reset with a new person? Does the new person's timer suddenly start up? How long does that take? Or is that just it? You don't get a new person. You had your one, and that's all there is. I pretty well hate all of these scenarios... Cause I think that Nathan was my one... but I also think there is another "one" out there somewhere... I have to think that. I can't give up being a romantic just because he's gone... it's too deeply ingrained into who I am. God is taking care of me in so many ways... I can't believe... I *won't* believe that He doesn't have a plan for this, too.
It's a short post tonight... I drank one of those bottled frappuchinos that you buy when you want some Starbucks, but don't want to go get it, and now I'm getting pretty sleepy... yes, that's right, I ingest caffeine and then get tired. I'm a whack job.
But I'm a loveable whack job.
And adorable. I'm totally adorable. Just trust me on that one. I'm an adorable, loveable whack job.
with delusions of grandeur,
and delusions of ducklings.
Only not so much that last one.
It's a short post tonight... I drank one of those bottled frappuchinos that you buy when you want some Starbucks, but don't want to go get it, and now I'm getting pretty sleepy... yes, that's right, I ingest caffeine and then get tired. I'm a whack job.
But I'm a loveable whack job.
And adorable. I'm totally adorable. Just trust me on that one. I'm an adorable, loveable whack job.
with delusions of grandeur,
and delusions of ducklings.
Only not so much that last one.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
How do you learn to be alone?
My sister wrote a blog post... It's beautiful... it made me cry... I seem to have a habit of buying presents that I won't be able to give... I bought an owl onesie for Rhonda's baby... Rhonda's angel baby, Corban. And I bought Nathan a scarf for his birthday...I know that's kinda a lame birthday gift, I was going to get him more, but never got the chance... Maybe I already told you this story? I'm not sure... but I don't want to go back and look, so I suppose I will tell it again. We went scarf shopping a few weeks before he went back to the hospital and he really liked this grey plaid scarf... but it didn't match what he would wear it with, so I told him he should buy the all black one... and he did... so I went back a few days later and got him the one he really liked... and I snuck it in the house and hid it from him... and I wish I hadn't, cause he never knew. I wish I'd just brought it in and given it to him right then. Such a small sadness, in the midst of everything else... but... He would have gotten so exctied about that silly scarf. He would always get so excited about the small things that just showed that you were paying attention to him... He didn't really care about gifts that much, but knowing that people loved him... he cared about that, a lot.
I want him back.
Weak and strong, weak and strong... I just bounce back and forth like one of those rubber balls you get from the quarter machine when you are little... Nathan loved those, too (the super balls, not the toy machines)... so much of him was still 5 years old... I loved that about him... How he couldn't wait to get home to play a new video game (and you'd best believe that was what was going to be happening as soon as we walked into the door.) I loved how he grinned at every opportunity and told me I was beautiful every single day. I loved how often he said he loved me... I loved so much about him... and I miss him so much. I went to Sam's club... It's a little strange but it was rather hard... Nothing makes a gal feel more alone than bulk food I guess... Especially when most of the bulk food she bought was for her husband who liked to get on food kicks...
I don't know how to grocery shop... everything seems to go bad before I can eat it all... this is why I have a refrigerator full of drinks but not very much food... Drinks mainly stay good... except for milk which I trade out every once in a while...same thing with cooking... I don't know how to cook for one person... I don't really know how to do very much alone... I don't know that I'm very good with alone at all... I don't know that I have much of a choice in the matter, though. I hate being alone. I hate that everyone has to leave... but if people stay over I start to feel trapped and I freak out, too... I'm pretty well a nutcase. Mainly cause I want one person to stay over... you know the one who "stayed over" for the last 3.5 years.
It's funny and so typically me that when I see people in the Sam's looking at me I want to say, "This isn't me... I'm not some single girl. I was married at 23! I was snatched up, cause I'm awesome! It's just that... my husband died. But I'm a secure, confident, married gal, on the inside!" Only I think I'm trying to convince myself more than I'm trying to convince anyone else-- Cause those people aren't really wondering about me and who I am and my relationship status... They probably don't even see me... unless it's as a mirror for their own insecurity, you know, like me.
I used to do that when I was a little kid... If I would be somewhere with one parent I would talk loudly around strangers about the other parent... you know, just so the strangers would know that I had two parents... Oh yes, it's a life long psychosis.
Being married was good for me... It was good for my self-confidence, it was good for my patience, and it was good to have someone to take care of... sometimes I wish we had had children... even though I know that would be so hard right now... and I'm not sure how we would have managed over the 16 months of treatment... but then I'd have a link... and something to throw myself into... and someone to take care of... and something to hide behind.
I want him back.
Weak and strong, weak and strong... I just bounce back and forth like one of those rubber balls you get from the quarter machine when you are little... Nathan loved those, too (the super balls, not the toy machines)... so much of him was still 5 years old... I loved that about him... How he couldn't wait to get home to play a new video game (and you'd best believe that was what was going to be happening as soon as we walked into the door.) I loved how he grinned at every opportunity and told me I was beautiful every single day. I loved how often he said he loved me... I loved so much about him... and I miss him so much. I went to Sam's club... It's a little strange but it was rather hard... Nothing makes a gal feel more alone than bulk food I guess... Especially when most of the bulk food she bought was for her husband who liked to get on food kicks...
I don't know how to grocery shop... everything seems to go bad before I can eat it all... this is why I have a refrigerator full of drinks but not very much food... Drinks mainly stay good... except for milk which I trade out every once in a while...same thing with cooking... I don't know how to cook for one person... I don't really know how to do very much alone... I don't know that I'm very good with alone at all... I don't know that I have much of a choice in the matter, though. I hate being alone. I hate that everyone has to leave... but if people stay over I start to feel trapped and I freak out, too... I'm pretty well a nutcase. Mainly cause I want one person to stay over... you know the one who "stayed over" for the last 3.5 years.
It's funny and so typically me that when I see people in the Sam's looking at me I want to say, "This isn't me... I'm not some single girl. I was married at 23! I was snatched up, cause I'm awesome! It's just that... my husband died. But I'm a secure, confident, married gal, on the inside!" Only I think I'm trying to convince myself more than I'm trying to convince anyone else-- Cause those people aren't really wondering about me and who I am and my relationship status... They probably don't even see me... unless it's as a mirror for their own insecurity, you know, like me.
I used to do that when I was a little kid... If I would be somewhere with one parent I would talk loudly around strangers about the other parent... you know, just so the strangers would know that I had two parents... Oh yes, it's a life long psychosis.
Being married was good for me... It was good for my self-confidence, it was good for my patience, and it was good to have someone to take care of... sometimes I wish we had had children... even though I know that would be so hard right now... and I'm not sure how we would have managed over the 16 months of treatment... but then I'd have a link... and something to throw myself into... and someone to take care of... and something to hide behind.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Nae Comin' Easter!
The mail is a fickle minx... Some days it's great to check the mail... some days I get mail from insurance and debt collectors... That's right, I'm back to the debt collectors... For some reason insurance can't get their stuff together right, and they pay the hospital the wrong amount... and trying to get them to take another look at the claims is ridiculous.... I hate red tape. I hate legalities. I understand the hospitals just want to be paid... I get that.. I get that most people don't have as good of an insurance policy as we do, so they are skeptical when someone tells them that it's not the right amount. But I *hate* being turned over to debt collectors for something that isn't my fault and for something that they won't believe isn't my fault... I don't like confrontation, and that's all this is... it makes me want to hide. It makes me want to sleep all afternoon. It makes me want to run away. It makes me want to cry. I'm not helpless, but this kind of stuff makes me feel like I am.
Well, I just started freaking out, but then I started talking to a friend and he reminded me of something very important things... 1) debt collectors are actually people with the job of debt collecting.... and they probably hate it. 2) They know nothing about me... they just get the math and the math spits out a number to them and the math sends me a letter and 3) I'm not in this alone... I have all of you who know me and love me and know that I'm a good person and this isn't my fault... All of you, who are my friends and don't think I would just refuse to pay a bill, or that I'm trying to cheat the system, or that I'm a bad person.
Oh I didn't claim that the reason I was freaking out was in any way logical or sensible.... If it was I probably wouldn't be freaking out... it's just when I get swept away by my emotions... It doesn't happen too often... I swear those IMDB personality tests just get confused by me... or maybe I'm confused enough about myself that I'm not answering them right.
I realized today that this time next week I will be writing you from Northeastern, MO. I'm going home for Easter. Well, actually for several days before Easter and Easter. I haven't been home for Easter in a really long time, and I'm excited. I'm going to dye eggs with my niece and nephew, and make a gingerbread church. Here is a blog with a gingerbread church-- only theirs is for Christmas time and ours will be Easter time. Have I told you about how Jeriah says, "Nae comin' Easter!" every time he hears my name?? Well, if I've talked to you in person I probably have... a few times, even. I'm kinda inordinately proud of it... and him... Rhonda said the other day Kadin was praying for me and Jeriah said "Nae comin' Easter" about 7 times in a row... gives me warm fuzzies to know he's 1) finally talking and 2) knows my name. There will be other sundry family activities, and it will be good to be back home... See my old stomping ground and the Memphis church family.
There is a song on the radio that goes somethin' like this:
Well, I just started freaking out, but then I started talking to a friend and he reminded me of something very important things... 1) debt collectors are actually people with the job of debt collecting.... and they probably hate it. 2) They know nothing about me... they just get the math and the math spits out a number to them and the math sends me a letter and 3) I'm not in this alone... I have all of you who know me and love me and know that I'm a good person and this isn't my fault... All of you, who are my friends and don't think I would just refuse to pay a bill, or that I'm trying to cheat the system, or that I'm a bad person.
Oh I didn't claim that the reason I was freaking out was in any way logical or sensible.... If it was I probably wouldn't be freaking out... it's just when I get swept away by my emotions... It doesn't happen too often... I swear those IMDB personality tests just get confused by me... or maybe I'm confused enough about myself that I'm not answering them right.
I realized today that this time next week I will be writing you from Northeastern, MO. I'm going home for Easter. Well, actually for several days before Easter and Easter. I haven't been home for Easter in a really long time, and I'm excited. I'm going to dye eggs with my niece and nephew, and make a gingerbread church. Here is a blog with a gingerbread church-- only theirs is for Christmas time and ours will be Easter time. Have I told you about how Jeriah says, "Nae comin' Easter!" every time he hears my name?? Well, if I've talked to you in person I probably have... a few times, even. I'm kinda inordinately proud of it... and him... Rhonda said the other day Kadin was praying for me and Jeriah said "Nae comin' Easter" about 7 times in a row... gives me warm fuzzies to know he's 1) finally talking and 2) knows my name. There will be other sundry family activities, and it will be good to be back home... See my old stomping ground and the Memphis church family.
There is a song on the radio that goes somethin' like this:
I’m coming home, I’m coming homeThen P Diddy (or whatever ridiculous moniker he's going by now) raps... but I'm always finding myself wishing that the whole song was like the chorus... Not that I think Memphis is anything like my kingdom... maybe my old room might be my kingdom... but that's a pretty small domain... then again, it's not like I want to be in charge of a large kingdom... so I guess it's all going to be alright... and maybe it will rain when I'm at my parents and I can hear the rain on their metal roof... Possibly the most soothing sound in the world.... and maybe the loneliest, too... Maybe I shouldn't hope for rain.
Tell the world I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the world that I’m coming
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