In the middle of ruins

Lately I've kinda been getting my butt kicked.

How so you ask?

Well, I kinda touched on it yesterday, though to be honest I made myself sound a lot better about it than I think I really am. Sometimes I twist my experiences to make myself sound the way I know I should rather than the way I actually am... but sometimes that works to change me, cause then I feel like I have to live up to what I said.

Tonight I was thinking... well about a lot of things.. Faith and healing and change and my life.... And I got to thinking about how I don't really feel like I need healing... I don't feel broken. And then I started thinking about how it's really my life that's been broken. My life is the thing that needs healing. And then I started thinking about how hard I've been trying to fix my life ever since it broke and how I can't really do that... I don't have the power to fix it. But I want it fixed... I want everyone I know to be praying that it will get fixed... fix, fix, fix, fix. This was all happening at small group, by the way. So we came to a place where they asked if anyone wanted prayer and I said yes... basically for healing for my life.

And as we were praying, some of the things people were saying made me come to a couple of startling realizations. One person was praying and started talking about how I was separated in a way from my life... like the broken state of my life wasn't affecting me as a person... and that God was in that... and I was confused at first - cause I don't really see how God is in my broken life. But then I realized... it's not that God's in the broken-ness of my life... it's that God is in the separation of me from my life. This isn't normal for anyone... and certainly not for me... I've always been a worrier and a planner and I take things too personally when it comes to my life. I had my life planned out and I did everything in the exact order and timing that I was supposed to. And then everything fell to pieces. I should have fallen to pieces, too. It makes no logical sense that I haven't and it can't be explained away by my stoic country upbringing or my inner strength... No one is that strong or that stoic... and it's not like I haven't been bruised up... but it's as though God's got me wrapped up in this huge layer of bubble-wrap and even though the box of my life has been thrown, smashed, and generally mangled by a lion, I'm still intact. I'm still alright... I'm still ok.

And God's in that.

I get so focused on fixing my life I don't stop to remember that I shouldn't be like this.

I should be a hot mess.

I should *just now* maybe be coming out of a state of intense grief. And it's not that I don't grieve or that a part of me won't always grieve... but (and this is actually something someone prayed tonight, not knowing the inner meaning of the words to me) I'm ok and I'm ok with being ok.

I need to be more grateful about the fact that I've been so incredibly protected and less frustrated that my life isn't everything I want it to be. I need to be patient, because if God can protect me from this so well, He's certainly not going to leave it at that. He's got a plan and I need to wait for it and be happy where I am.

I don't have to jump off the waterfall just to prove that I'm willing to do whatever I need to. He knows that... I'm still here, after all. So I can be patient and wait and trust that if I need to get to the bottom God will give me a way... and if I need to jump, then he'll give me a parachute... or something... maybe a sweet hang glider.

But it's possible that He just wanted to show me a waterfall to remind me that He is the author of some amazingly beautiful things, and He doesn't need or want me to jump.

So, Renée, take a freaking look around and realize that you are standing in the middle of ruins when you should be under that pillar. And give it some time. Rome wasn't rebuilt in a day... or in a year.