Miss him

hmmm

Weird day.

Weird dreams this morning.

Productive morning/afternoon, and then an accidental nap... and since then... sad.

There are a lot of different ways that I'm sad. Sometimes I sad about my life, what it used to be like and what it's like now. Sometimes I'm sad about how everything turned out and how much time is gone... and sometimes I'm just sad cause I really miss my friend.

This is one of those times... I really miss my friend.

I absolutely think the best reason to get married to someone is that they are your best friend, and I married mine, but that's part of the reason why it's hard. Because I don't just miss my husband, I miss the person who I talked to about the little things. I miss the steady prescence... the person who I always knew how they felt about me. It's amazing how much more difficult it can be to maintain self confidence when you never know how you are coming across to other people... and when it matters... cause it matters a lot more when you don't have that one person who you know thinks the sun rises and sets with you.

I don't wish it, but sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if our marriage wasn't so wonderful.

And sometimes... and I think this might make me a terrible person... sometimes I hear about people getting a divorce, or a guy being abusive and I think- why couldn't *that* guy have gotten cancer and died? Why did it have to be Nathan? who only ever abused video game controllers and would never have divorced me. Pretty sure God doesn't do trades like that... and those men have people who love them, too.

I remember what it was like to be adored.

Earlier this week I heard a guy talking about a classmate as, "That guy who only ever talked about his wife."

Nathan didn't take this class.... but I think he might have been one of those guys... I know that he told me about how he talked about me whenever he was introduced as a GA. At the time I didn't think it was odd, but looking back, I'm not sure many people would bring their personal life into their professional life like that. But he didn't care, he just liked bragging about me. He thought he was so lucky.... Though I think I'm the one who was lucky.

Tonight is the last time I ever spoke to him. They were getting worried about his oxidation levels and decided that they needed to intubate him. And the nurse left the room and we talked and he asked me what I thought. I said that I thought we had to do what the drs and nurses thought was best... and he nodded his head, tiredly, and said, "If you think that's what we should do then that's what we will do. I trust you. I don't care what the drs or nurses say, I trust you."

and I said, "I think we have to, babe."

And he said, "I love you, sweetheart. Forever and ever and ever."

And I said, "I love you, too, forever and ever and ever."

I want to move forward in my life- I am, in many ways. But please forgive me if every now and again I look back and just miss him.