Quick! Don't think about Abraham Lincoln!

As a widow there are things you try not to think about... and usually you are unsuccessful... it's like someone yelling, "Quick! Don't think about Abraham Lincoln!"  And then all you can think about is that towering bearded president...

That's what I'm trying to do right now, and I'm not being successful at it. Not even a little bit.

This was the last day that Nathan walked.

Tomorrow at noon will be when he called me in to tell me he couldn't move or feel his legs... tomorrow night is the night we drove to St. Louis and stayed in the emergency room all night... the next night was his surgery... and then... well, you know the story. I can live every hour of it over in my head. My enormous bank of medical terminology and knowledge is starting to fade but this week last year... it's all there, still.

I realized not that long ago that I remember everything up to leaving his room after he was gone... but I don't remember anything after that. I have random little flashes. I remember being in the hotel room and packing my things up but I don't remember how I got there. I remember stopping at Cracker Barrel to eat, but not riding in a car... I remember getting back to Springfield and people running in jogging shorts because it was 70 degrees but nothing about that night, except that Kara and Rhonda were there. There are these enormous gaping holes in my memory... and that isn't normal for me... not at all. Especially when contrasted with how well I remember the week before... this week.

There are now so many things that I think in my head, "They don't know what they are saying." Till death do us part. -Most people don't have a clue what they are saying when they make that vow... I didn't. When I made that vowed I never actually expected to be parted by death.

I'm good at grieving. I've managed it all very well, and I've rebuilt myself and my life into something I never would have imagined. I'm a flipping grieving rock-star. But no matter how skilled I am at dealing and how well I've done, I still don't want to be here. I know- intimately- that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... but I'm ready to gain rather than lose. I'm ready to not have to look so hard for the positives. I'm ready for experiences to knock this week right out of my head.

I'm accepting hugs this week. I don't care who you are. I'm accepting hugs.