Yee-haw!

I know ya'll have thought this for a while now, but I'm actually going to admit to it now... My sleep schedule is janked up. Last night I slept from 4-8... and then this afternoon I slept from 4-8. Now if you add all that up it's the proper amount of sleep. However, it's *supposed* to all be slept at once, not in 4 hour shifts.

Janked.

Up.

Work is crazy this week. It's a short week, there is much to be accomplished, and oh yeah the air conditioner in the office is broken.

I think I'll be wearing shorts a lot more this week than I normally would.

I've had a strange desire to listen to country music lately. Now don't get me wrong, I never went through the "I hate country" phase that many of my comrades from small town-land did. I'm not really sure why. That said I don't listen to it all that often anymore. Certainly not enough to meet my cousin Wyatt's standards, who will mention about 3 songs/artist of country music and look at me with disappointment when I only recognize 1 of them. But I grew up on the rhythm of a steel guitar, you could say.. though I can't for the life of me place that lyric, now. I appreciate the story-telling of country music, and though the scooping can get a little old, I appreciate the heartfelt-ness of it.

Plus it's just charming.

I blame the cowboy hats. Any grin is more charming under a cowboy hat.

Really cowboys have decades of charm that they are relying on. Charm, calling ladies, "Ma'm" and dimples.

Gosh cowboys, start pulling your own weight! Quit resting on your laurels!

I suddenly have a strong desire to go find a gingham shirt to wear with my shorts... and to put my hair in braids... and wear my boots about... Seriously, where is this all coming from? I'm not normally country crazy. Mayhaps it's just my penchant for costumes? Wear what you feel, right?

I was in drama, not FFA, and I don't actually want to raise cows, just look at their cute babies from a distance. Green Acres is not the place for me. It's the place for me to visit and feel nostalgic about.

I want to go on vacation. But I don't know where I would go (someplace exciting/fun?), or who I would go with, cause I sure shootin' ain't gonna go by myself. Worst. idea. ever.

Mainly about food

To make sure I left the house today I went to Starbucks this afternoon.

Other than that I watched 2 movies, and worked for 7 hours on video game stuff. It's not that I don't support our troops, I do... it's just too hard to be reminded of my own brave soldier on days when you remember exactly what you were doing last year on this day. It was a day to try and distract myself from looking backwards by keeping busy and looking forward.

By the way, Sandy was allowed to go home from the hospital on Sunday. Thank you for your prayers, and let's pray that there isn't a reason to go back for a long time!

I needs to buy me some vegetables... My house is sorely lacking in the lettuce, celery, carrots, ect department, and I keep not going to the store. It's now getting to be summer. (I wore shorts outside today!) and that means I can handle eating not warm food. Seriously, in the winter I can't do it. In the winter some part of my food needs to be warm/hot. I don't want cold salads, heck, I don't even like cold sandwiches in the winter. I have to heat up the meat or toast the bread or something.  But now is the season of salad! Now is the time for some chicken salad from Millies. (Ach, I love that stuff... but it's not veggie laden, just cold...ish) Now is the time for some Apple Pecan Chicken Salad from Wendy's! Now is the time to go to the store and stop eating take-out vegetables! I think I might be hungry.

I found this sandwich recipe on pinterest today that looks divine. So divine that I'm shocked that Pioneer Woman hasn't made them.... but then again, maybe she has and I just never saw it. Anyway, it's a bunch of little ham and swiss (though I would use havarti or gouda) sandwiches made up on Hawaiian bread rolls and then there is the heavenly sounding mixture of all things unhealthy poured over it all, including butter, Worcestershire sauce, onion powder and I forget what all else. Marinated for several hours then put into the oven for like 20 minutes. *drool*

I've been groove sharking all weekend, since my Pandora ran out on Friday. I'm not sure that I prefer it to Pandora... but I do love that I can tell it to play all these Glee songs that weren't released to CD. So when I say I've been groovesharking what I really mean is that I've been rare Glee song-ing  all weekend.

Run, Joey, Run!

Memorial Day ramble

It's Memorial Day and I would like to take a moment to acknowledge all the brave soldiers- past, present, and future, who have and will give everything up to their lives to protect and defend our country. I think that we have learned from Vietnam that it is really important to honor the men and women who serve for us, regardless of our political views on any war, and it is a lesson that I hope we never forget. God Bless our troops.

Ok, now, let the random begin!

I started watching Anne of Green Gables tonight. How I love that Anne Shirley. Or shall I call her Cordelia?

And Matthew Cuthbert reminds me of my dad.

I've not been able to get into reading books lately... It's kinda strange... perhaps it is because I'm trying to work my way through the Harry potter books again, and I'm just not feeling it. Perhaps I need to give up the old HP and run into the arms of Mercedes.

Have I written a treatise on Mercedes Lackey before? Cause I love her.

Not like a sister.. more like a good friend... or a crazy aunt... you know a crazy aunt that raises owls and writes a whole lot of books.

I wish I had a crazy aunt who raised owls and wrote a lot of books.

I have one aunt who writes some books.

But I don't have any aunts who raise owls.

Now accepting applications for crazy owl raising aunts.

Once when I was little I wrote a letter to either my Aunt Dawn or Aunt Lisa

It began, "Dear Anut Dawn (or Lisa)"

Have I mentioned I think I'm slightly dyslexic?

Have I mentioned this post is highly disjointed?

Have I mentioned it's 3:41 and time for all good little children to be in bed.

I wanna be a good little child...ren.

Wha? Who? Nana Pudding?

Nana pudding= not good. You know why?

Nanas.

That's why.

The end.

You might be a vampire if....

Tonight Kara asked me if I was a vampire. My response was to take a long pause, look away and then say "....Maybe?" with a mischevious grin. Only apparently my grin was declared more a "you eat human flesh" grin and Kara told me it was freaky to be alone with me at 2 in the morning. I didn't even hit her with my actual creepy glazed-eye doll look. Or my other super creepy look, that I don't even know what to call, except creepy.  I have to admit, something inside me, thinks it's hilarious to freak out my good friends just by changing my facial expressions. I used to do it to Rhonda, too. Not gonna lie, I'm a little twisted.  But this time I wasn't even trying! ("It's true, man, I do, but not this time!")

I should go. This vampire is going to turn into a pumpkin and she has church in the morning... That's right, day-walker, church go-er, not afraid of toothpicks or garlic. Breaking vampire stereotypes since aught eight... and I'll just let you determine which '08 I mean.

Wha ha ha ha.

Mine is an evil laugh.

Written so early in the day you might be smart to fear body snatchers...

Early blog today-- everyone who reads this is still awake! Maybe I'll post this at midnight or so, just so I don't throw off your groove... or maybe this will just be a bonus post... or maybe I'll post it when I'm ready to post it, and ya'll will just have to deal with the consequences. But, just so you know, it's 5:20.... in the afternoon/evening... afterevening? Either word, it's a good 10 hours before when I normally post. Memorial Day weekend makes us do wild and crazy things! Like write in the "royal we"!

There is a dime on the floor before you go into my bedroom. I could pick it up multiple times every day, but I don't. Why? 1) It kinda makes me feel rich, even though I am not, to just have money laying around my floor. And 2) It's my own tiny form of rebellion against the dime. You can't make me pick you up! I have the power! Whahahaha!

I think I am too often alone.

I am wearing shorts right now, despite Springfield's crazy pants weather. I shaved my legs and applied self tanner that I'm hoping won't streak on me, and I'm letting my legs see the light of day.... and in the light of day I can see the many many places where I missed with my razor. A dear friend of mine gets her hair lasered away, and soon she will have no hair on her legs. She is already underarm hair free... I aspire to be like her someday. Perhaps I will never then be able to fit in with stereotypical French women, but to them I say "Viva la revolucion!" and also, "By the way what's the secret to being so skinny? I don't want to read the book."

Ok, Yes, I know, you don't have to tell me that getting my hair lasered  away will put me at a distinct disadvantage if ever I'm lost in the frozen tundra, but this is a risk I'm willing to take. I just live life on the edge. You see, Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death. (anyone? ... Bueller?)

Sometimes spellcheck tells me I've typed something wrong, but if I look at their list and don't see the word I was going for I just assume the spell check isn't as well learned as I and ignore it. (Please pronounce the word learned in the previous sentence learn-ned... Sounds much snootier and demonstrates my superiority over mundane spell check programs more efficiently.) You know the same programs that just helped me spell efficiently correctly... twice.

Without pattern

There are these puzzles, you see. These puzzles which I find insanely addictive, but everyone else thinks I'm crazy for liking. They are part logic puzzle, part art. Sometimes they are called "paint-by-numbers" or nonograms and I've seen them referred to as Paint-doku as well. Basically, you are given a grid and you fill in the squares based on cross referencing the sequence of colored squares you are given over off to the side and top. When you are done you have a pixelated picture. No, it's not as confusing as it sounds.. at least not to me. Try for yourself. I'm beginning to think, though, that it comes so naturally to me because I'm a non-linear thinker. I'm quite comfortable with hopping mentally around from place to place. I have a thought that this might be why I have such a hard time picking up on patterns... My brain simply doesn't connect them. I don't see cause and effect I see event and all the possible influences on factors surrounding event. This also might be while I get nervous with very regimented routines... Like driving a car... seriously when I was learning I would have to say each step out loud as I did it, and I still routinely forget to do obvious things like turn on the headlights. I think I might be referred to as scatterbrained if I didn't have a really good memory (and cross referencing skills).

It's Memorial Day weekend. Did ya know? Only I am Memorial Day plan-less. I'm hoping a plan falls into my lap, lest I end up doing something horrendously boring like cleaning or putting away laundry.

I got complimented on my hair accessory today- It was exciting. That's the nice thing about making wearable art. People don't have to be in your personal space/circle to see it. You can get compliments from complete strangers.

Kara said something yesterday that I thought to be very insightful. Because I don't have Nathan with me anymore I'm on a constant search of things in my life to share with others. Stories, experiences, thoughts, blogs. Anything that I can discuss with someone else and feel like I'm connecting to them... I'm in a desperate search for connection in pretty much everything I do. In other words, I don't understand how anyone could not like facebook. It gives meaning to my life.

Oh, yes, I realize how pathetic that is.

But not as pathetic as the My Little Pony DVD that I have waiting for me in my living room from Netflix, so there! : p

By the way, if'n ya don't mind me asking for prayers/good thoughts/whatever, and I assume you don't, cause you are still reading this. Please be praying for Nathan's "not-quite-but-pretty-much sister," Sandy. She had a baby on the 20th, and she had to go in for a surgery on Tuesday and now she's been moved to the ICU as a precaution. She's gotten pneumonia pretty badly, apparently, among "other things." And while I know a lot of people get pneumonia, it's a really really scary word for me. So prayers are appreciated. For her, and her husband Nathan, and their new little baby Luke... and maybe for me... I'd really like to be able to react to health issues in "normal" ways again...

This post brought to you by the looooong vowel

Look look! It's before 3AM, and I'm writing my blog post! Ok, it's just because I needed a break from working on video game stuff, but hey whatever works... Yes, I realize it's a bit strange that I'm taking a break from writing to write... but the *content* is so much different from each other that it still works.

I'm slightly hungry but I can't actually figure out what I want. I hate it when that happens. Seriously I can't even tell you if I'd rather have salty, sweet, or a mixture. Maybe I want a steak. Yeah, I'm not cooking a steak at 12:50 AM... but that does sound kinda good-- what taste is that? Umami? I think so.

By the way, yesterday, May 24th, I had to get gas. For the first time. Yes, you read that correctly. I went for 25 days without needing gas in my tank. I looooove my car. So much. Maybe I'll go even longer on this tank, considering there will be less driving to the other side of town just because I want to drive around in my car. It's amazing how many Prius's I see now that I have one. I know it's just cause I'm aware of it, but dag. It's a popular car.

Melissa and I have discovered an interesting personality test/type indicator. It's called, "Which Glee boy do you think is the most attractive?" It's really interesting, because there is such a wide range of boys on the show and (at least in the 3 people I've discussed this with) the answers vary a great deal. In fact, in every conversation both people have said, "Reaaaaally?!?" when the other person said who they thought was the most attractive. I for instance, cannot fathom a worldview in which Finn and Mr Schue are the most attractive men... I mean seriously?! And yet apparently no one else understands that Darren Criss is a dream boat. I'm not really sure if this game works as well for the girls on the show... possibly because I'm a girl and therefore don't pay as much attention to the attractiveness of the girls- I just think they are all pretty.... well ok, none of the guys are unfortunate looking... that's why the game is called "most attractive" not just "attractive." Then it would be a really boring game, cause there aren't a lot of tv stars that aren't attractive... well, except Tom Hanks but that man can act so well that it doesn't matter what he looks like. Seriously. his costar was once a deflated volleyball. And he pulled it off. That is some mad skillz, yo.

I think I need another laughing night. Let's have one...Or get a group of people to go karaoke-ing with. Seriously, people. Go karaoke-ing with me?! Or Rock Band, as long as I don't have to play instruments, cause I suuuuuck at that.

Of Jams and Jellies

Yes, it's true. When I'm writing for "work" and my "work" happens from the hours of 11-3 approx. I lose my blogging time. Then it's 3 AM and I'm tired, and I just want to go to bed. I say "work" with the quotes cause honestly I'm enjoying it too much for it to really feel work-y-- plus I'm "working" in my pj's and that's hella awesome.

I have nails now that are all my own. Took off the fake ones and thus far have not been tempted to bite them at all! ...they feel sharp. I think I could slice someone up like Wolverine, right now.

I found out yesterday that my 10 year high school reunion and my cousin's wedding are on the same day. Bummer! I was actually going to go to my reunion, but family trumps reunion. (After the past year, I feel a lot closer to many of my classmates than I did when we were actually in school.) Growing up is weird.

And now, in honor of the snack that I want, but will not eat, because I really just want to go to bed...

You know what the best kind of jam is? Red plum. That's right. You can keep your grape or strawberry or even blackberry. Red Plum Jam is where it's at. Or even better? Plum Butter. You think you've died and gone to heaven.

You know what jelly isn't good? The mixed fruit kind that you got for school breakfast.  Remember that stuff?

School Breakfast: where the toast is oddly chewy and the jelly mixed of fruit.

Fairy tales

Anything I could write will seem rather paltry... I thought perhaps I should not write anything, out of respect for the people of Joplin and the heartache and hardship that is happening there... but I gotta have someone to talk to.

So forgive me. Everything I say will most likely be inane and won't amount to a hill of beans in comparison, but it's all I got and it's how I know to get through things.

Saw "Water for Elephants" this evening... It was good. Movies with old men talking about their "still beautiful" wives make me really sad though. I can't help thinking sometimes about how robbed I feel. I had this wonderful special person/relationship/thing and it was taken away from me. And now I don't have anyone to reassure me that when we are 90 he will still think I'm beautiful, just like that sweet old man. My happily ever after was stolen. I'd be angry but there is no one to be angry at, and it seems like a rather wasted emotion to just be angry. Especially when seeing what is happening  just down the road. Do I really want to bemoan my loneliness, when there are so many tonight who are not only lonely but also hurt, homeless, and without anything?

Not really, and yet here I sit.

I had a bit of a realization yesterday. I know that you are supposed to stop believing in fairy tales somewhere around the age of 10... but I never did. I still believe in fairy tales. I don't think they look the same as they do in the books, but I still believe they happen one way or another. I still think there might be hobbit in me, and that I can get to Narnia through a wardrobe or a picture, and that I'm just a Muggle, so I never got my invitation to Hogwarts. I still believe that I can find a Companion that will talk inside my head and that I will run across a sparkly vampire who will fall madly in love with me because I'm clumsy and smell good. I still believe there is some magic in this world and I want it. Yes, it will probably make my life harder, but it's *magic* how can you not want that? How can you settle for a life without it?

Hi, my name is Endearingly Quirky. I'm not sure if we've met.

For Joplin

Yes, definitely need to start writing posts mid-afternoon if I'm going to be working late into the night, cause this just won't do...

But for today, I think I will just ask that you pray for the town and people of Joplin who were hit by an F4 tornado tonight. It took out the hospital along with so much else and I can't even imagine the chaos they must be facing now. Here is an article to find out more.

Personally, I had family who were in the theater next to the hospital. They are ok, but I'm told the theatre came crashing down around them, and my uncle Shane carried a neighbor boy, Job, who was with them to the hospital – unsure at the time if he was alive- he is, but he has since been taken by air to another hospital. They are not sure if he will make it.

Here are the ways that I could currently find to support the relief efforts:
Text REDCROSS to 90999 or visit redcross.org.
Contribute through Convoy of Hope by texting CONVOY to 50555 to donate $10
And the Springfield Blood Centers will open at 8am to give blood to those who have been injured.

So yes, please pray and consider donating something somewhere, as well?

In which the spirit of rhyme decends upon me

Tonight, I worked on the game and got things done in half the time it was previously taking me. I apparently hit my stride! It feels good to be so productive.

It may sound strange to you, but I really like having deadlines. I like to have a reason to get things done. I like getting things done before the deadline and the sense of pride and relief. I even like the last minute scramble if I procrastinated too long. I think it's one of the reasons I did so well in school. School is like a real life deadline-centric Diner Dash game. It's fun and challenging and slightly manic.

Wanna hear something kinda funny? I didn't update my Netflix queue before they received my last movie... so instead of the second disc of Drop Dead Diva (Yeah, I know that's it's own kettle of fish.) I will be receiving "My Little Pony: Season 1, Disc 1" I crack myself up sometimes with the things I find enjoyable to watch. Of course My Little Pony is entirely for nostalgia sake... and for my future children... and my current niece who borrowed one of the My Little Pony DVDs that I own when she visited. 

I gotta stop taking naps on weekends... see the thing is, I just go lay down whenever I am tired... which is nice in that I have the freedom to do that... but is bad in that it's 2:30 and I'm still going strong. Why you ask? Cause I take 2 hour long naps in the early evening. This is why being married was good for me... I had someone to be a regulator... aka a babysitter of my sleep schedule.

The unfortunate thing about 2:30 in the morning and not being in college is that when you get a hankering for Steak and Shake or IHop there is no one to go with you. Pancakes currently sound like the most delicious creation ever to grace this fine world, but there is no way I'm going to IHop at 2:45AM by myself. and don't give me any who-ha about being able to make my own pancakes. You know as well as I that the only acceptable 2:45AM pancakes are the ones you have to go on a quest for... to a land that smells vaguely of old people and waitress' smoke breaks.

Tonight I discovered why cable/satellite tv was invented. It's called Saturday evening network television. 'nuf said.

Ok, the birds that like to mock me at 3 AM by letting me know we've crossed the line when more of the dark of night has passed than there is to come have begun to chirp outside the window. (Did you have to read that sentence more than once to understand it? I had to read it more than once to type it, and I'm not completely convinced it makes any sense, yet.)

Anyway the long sentence was to say
that I need to call it a day,
and go away,
Love you all, -Renée

PS I swear I don't know how stuff like that happens, man. I just let my brain go and out these things flow.

PPS I really didn't mean to rhyme in my previous post script, but after I wrote it, I just couldn't take it back.. It's was just too perfect. To quote Kara, "goon" on me!

Being Free

So part of the reason that I've been so emotional about Nathan stuff lately is that I put together a small party tonight to meet up and tell Nathan stories and memories. It was people from college, from church, from our life before cancer... I was mainly excited about it, but I was also a little nervous. I wanted it to be a happy occasion, but there is some sorrow in there that just can't be avoided. As I put it to Katie. I wanted the sadness to be something we acknowledged, hugged, and told "it's gonna be ok."

Basically, I didn't know how it was going to go, so I was looking forward to it but I was also scared.

I think I'm scared of my grief a lot. I'm scared of what it's going to do to me, of what it's going to do to others, of not being in control any more, but I also know I have to let it out. So it's this delicate balancing act, of finding the right time, circumstances, people, phase of the moon, and condiments. How can you expect me to grieve properly without honey mustard! Ok so the last two might have been an exaggeration...

...but honestly that's what I'm talking about-- that's part of my coping mechanism... I break tension with humor, cause it's the only way I know to get out of the sad and heavy.

My friend, Janis, who lost her mom the other day has been on my mind a lot (she is the last great xanga-er mentioned yesterday.) She wrote a blog that I've been pondering since I read it yesterday. It was beautiful and really brave and honest. She wrote about her experience of her mom's death. About what actually happened... what she thought, what she did. I've been so afraid to share that stuff with anyone. Mainly because I don't know who can handle that information. I do not want to make someone else's grief journey any harder... but the freedom of voice that Janis expressed... I found myself a little covetous, honestly, of that freedom. So tonight I shared a story of Nathan and I's last conversation...

*side note* I noticed something interesting-- when things start to get intense, men lean forward... or at least 20 something men do. Or that was my observation, tonight -- Anyway, all I know is that when I started getting all emotional telling the story nearly all the guys in the room leaned forward, as if they were all about to spring into action to fight for the side of good and right and a tear-free existence. It was actually really interesting to note their reaction and then my reaction to that-- It was strangely comforting for me... made me feel safe and protected. *end side note*

Anyway, back to what I was speaking of in the first place. I've only told Kara the story of the last few days... and his last moments, and that was on the very first night. I've been afraid to tell anyone else my version of the story. Afraid they wouldn't be able to handle it.... afraid they wouldn't want the burden. But I feel like I have to let this go.  I have to tell what happened... I think if I'm ever going to get any closure I have to let this go, and embrace the fact that this happened and it's hard, like Janis did. So I'm going to give you a lot of space, and if you don't want to know, or can't handle reading it, please just close the browser. It's heavy and hard and sad and I can't make it any easier without just keeping it all inside still.

Ok, disclaimer over. Space begins.

I’d had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach all week… I mentioned it to a couple of friends, and their responses ranged from “try not to worry about it too much” (which was honestly the only thing I could do) to a concern that she tried very hard to hide. Kara knew how in sync with Nathan I’d always been. They put him on the ventilator Wednesday night, and before they did that we were able to talk. I didn’t know that it would be my last talk with him on this side of Earth. He held my hand and asked me what I was thinking… and I said that I thought we needed to do this. He said, “If you think we need to do this, then we will. I don’t care what the doctors or nurses or anyone else says. I trust you and if this is what you think we need to do then we will. And I nodded and I could see that he was scared, but he didn’t talk about that.. He just said. “I love you forever and ever and ever.” And I said, “I love you, too.” And then I left the room and let them put him under and put him on the breathing machine.

That night he kept fighting off  the sedation, and waking up just enough to fight the breathing machine. I tried to soothe him and tell him it was ok, but my voice would just make him fight harder cause he would want to open his eyes and look at me. Finally, I just started to stroke his hand or his head when he would wake up and let the nurse talk to him. On Thursday they decided they needed to put him on dialysis. His oxygenation numbers did not improve and he started running a fever. That night the doctor sat me down and talked about how serious things were looking. He said the word "death," and that I should probably call in anyone from out of town who needed to be here. It was about 11 o’clock… I called Rhonda, my sister, and she and her husband drove to the hospital that night. They got into town at about 3 in the morning and I greeted them but went back to the room to be with Nathan and they dozed in the waiting room. In the morning, my parents showed up... I’d told them not to, but they came anyway, and I’m so glad they came when they did. I went and slept my “shift” and returned to the hospital. I sat with Nathan and several other members of my family came to the hospital for the day to see him and me, so the afternoon passed… 

We ate dinner during the hours we couldn’t be in the ICU, and then my family went to the place they were staying to catch some of the sleep they’d missed the night before… at 8 PM I went back to the room with Nathan… his numbers were still slowly dropping… I spent the early part of the night distracting myself by talking to friends… and trying not to watch his numbers drop and drop and drop, and then at three, just as the last friend signed off for the night, the dr. came back in… and said that they needed to switch him to a different breathing machine, because this wasn’t working well enough… and that I needed to call his parents and anyone else who needed to be here. So at 3:30, I called everyone to come back to the hospital. They switched him to an oscillator… but it didn’t change anything… his numbers continued to drop…down to the numbers that I was fairly certain meant brain damage… and lower… and I had to leave the room because the oscillator shook him so much and I couldn’t keep watching those numbers drop and drop and drop… At five we had a conference with the dr. and told him to tell us when he thought that we needed to stop. And I fell asleep for a while as the sun started to rise. 

At around 8AM the dr. came in and told us that it wasn’t working, that in his opinion Nathan was already gone and so we decided to stop the oscillator… They came and brought us to the room at around 8:20… and then just a few minutes before 8:30 they let us into the room to be with him…  His oxygen numbers were in the 50’s at that point but then they took all the monitors off him, so that he would be comfortable… and  I held his left hand and his mom held his right hand with his dad, my parents, sister and brother in law all around us… and a few puffs of breath escaped his lips… but he didn’t breathe in... and I told him how very much I loved him… and how very much I was going to miss him… and I moved the hospital gown so I could stroke the skin of  his shoulder…and I watched as he turned the wrong color and I cried with my sister’s arm around my waist as his heart slowed and slowed and stopped…  8:30 AM. January 29, 2011.  That day was beautiful… it was 70 degrees outside. By the next Tuesday we were under a blizzard warning that made us reschedule the visitation, and prevented most of my family from being able to attend the funeral. We buried him the next Friday in Ft. Smith Arkansas… It snowed then, too.

I'm just going to imagine that you are all leaning forward, now, trying to make me feel safe and protected. Thanks for leaning forward. Thanks for reading. Thanks for being there for me. Just thanks.

In a land far away...

Once upon a time I wrote a blog... only everyone wrote a blog back then and we called that blog xanga. And it was a lot of fun. And then that school year ended, and some people got mad about something no one remembers now, and then homework started getting harder and then we stopped posting very frequently... and then not at all for months and months if not years. And now, one of the last great xanga-ers is probably going to hang up her xanga, so I got a little sentimental and went back to mine... Yes, It's still there. I was surprised, too. If you want to see it, go to http://shinywhite.xanga.com/weblog/ I actually posted on my xanga in the weeks following Nathan's diagnosis... I didn't remember that. So much is a blur. A little less than a month after his diagnosis I wrote this:

"I just want him home.... I want him smiling and playing too many computer and video games.... I want him being completely goofy just to make me laugh... I want to snuggle up against him when it gets cold and for him to complain about how much I screw up the covers when I sleep... I just want normal back sooo much."

I feel like that was written so long ago... It was almost exactly a year and a half ago. I read it and I think about how young and naive I sound... and then I think that I wasn't sounding naive... I just didn't know what was coming. And I'm so glad, cause I don't think I would have stopped crying, then, and that would have been such a waste of his time.

I started to read the blog of a guy who was going through ALL who died earlier this week. I read a blog post and a half before I started shaking and saying (outloud to myself), "I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this." The things he wrote took me back to Barnes... to the blood count charts... to all the fear and hope and desperation and waiting, and I just couldn't. I just couldn't. I said on Facebook that it's like post traumatic stress disorder.... I don't know enough about that disorder to say that it is for sure... and I don't at all mean to cheapen it  for those people who are experiencing the diagnosed condition... but there should be a condition for recovering caretakers... something to explain to others... to ourselves why specific medical terminology can trigger flashbacks, shortness of breath, and tears.

oh yeah-- there is a condition- grief.

Gotta get down, it's Wednesday.... or at least it was.

I'm discovering that it's much harder to blog at night when it is the time I'm also working on and thinking of the video game stuff. Perhaps I should start blogging in the afternoon. You know, instead of taking 3 hour long naps... Yeah, that was an accident. I set my alarm for a sizeable nap, and then when it went off I turned it off... and then it was an hour and 20 minutes later and I had no idea. Whoops.

Unfortunately, I'm still tired, so that makes me aware that I'm actually quite sleepy. 

I'm not at all complaining but I think I'm so tired because I've been a social butterfly lately, and had many things to do and people to see. I love this, actually, but I think tomorrow, with my lack of plans, might be a really good thing before I head into the weekend. I can sit around and watch TV on DVD and work on game and eat a leisurely dinner that I cook myself from base ingredients... put my new plates on my car... perhaps sit down and read, even.... Yes, tomorrow I think I shall just take it easy.

So I watched the latest Glee episode... and cried like a baby. Not to give away any spoilers, but it's entitled "Funeral" and it's being literal. It was actually *really* hard to watch. Is it just me or are pneumonia-deaths everywhere suddenly? I'm probably just super aware of them, honestly.

At Barnes and Noble yesterday I picked up a book that I might actually go back and get, or at least spend more time looking at- and you will probably laugh, but it was the Grieving for Dummies book. I liked the beginning of it, and it's a big book, so it seems like it might have helpful information, and while a few months ago the whole idea of a "for dummies" book on grieving would have really turned me off, I now find myself interested in what the book has to say.

Pinterest still hasn't let me on... and I'm sad about this. Do you think it's because they don't think I'm cool enough? Have I been weighed and measured and found wanting? I'm cool people, Pinterest! Love me! Be my fraaand. (that's a very specific way to say friend, not a horrible typo of doom.)

Only sometimes I don't. Sometimes I would just cringe and wonder why they were being so know-it-allsy. 

I'm a conundrum.

Wrapped in a mystery

and bacon.

Only not so much that last one.

Many forms of missing...

What a lovely day.

I worked, I went to the library, I went to the DMV and was only there for about 6 minutes before I got my new plates and was able to leave. I went on a walk with Kara, and then had dinner with Melissa and Lindsay. I went to Barnes and Noble and stayed until they closed. Then Kara came over and stayed up until 2 in the morning with me. A lovely day, full of lovely people and lovely experiences.

I'm such an extrovert. It's rather ridiculous.

Some days the missing is a sharp pain, sometimes the missing is a dull ache, sometimes it's just a longing to have someone to talk to about my lovely day and to kiss me on the head and tell me that I'm too sleepy to blog tonight, and to come to bed.

I miss the not-sick Nathan. Our life had turned into such a marathon of survival that I have a tendency to forget about when Nathan was hale and hearty and took care of himself. I'd get annoyed with him leaving me at home alone so often, and more often than not he would be taking care of me. I greatly miss being taken care of- having a champion. Really, I've lost Nathan in two ways. Losing the healthy Nathan was deal-able because I still had the core of Nathan, and I'm not so selfish to think that I'm the one who matters when one of us is fighting cancer, even though he still tried to make it about me sometimes, because he was so sweet. But then I lost the rest of Nathan, and now I find myself in mourning for both times of him. And it's a little easier to let sick Nathan go because he isn't hurting anymore... but letting go the healthy Nathan who would bound out of bed, and who had so much extra energy sometimes he just yelled and shook his head and hands like a crazy person... I'm finding it a little harder to understand why he had to go.

"Go to bed, sweetheart. You wouldn't be getting this emotional if you weren't overtired."

I still know what he'd say... I can hear him saying it, right now. I should probably listen to him. 

Please pray for a friend of mine who lost her mother this evening. Sometimes when one person is having a lovely day, another is having one of the worst on record. I really wish life was fair.

Pinteresting

Today, I had a "business" meeting and then I worked on a video game for a few hours. And when I say "worked on a video game" I mean that I literally worked on one, not played one. I think this is incredibly awesome sauce.

Several people have mentioned lately that I didn't have any plates on my new car (though I have a temporary dealer's permit, so don't you worry about me being illegal.) Enough people (read: both a mom and a dad) mentioned it to me that I started to get paranoid that I had misunderstood what I needed to do, and I was just frittering away my 30 days trusting to the universe to work everything out, when I needed to be taking action. So today I took action, and e-mailed the lady who I originally spoke to about the new plates and all. :Side note: Yes, I do love the world in which I live, where I can send a digital letter rather than calling someone on the phone. Hooray for e-mails bringing written correspondence back into vogue. :End side note: Anyway the lady e-mailed me back and reassured me that I would be getting everything in the mail that I would need other than my updated insurance card (got that last week!) and my personal property tax receipt from last year. Check! So my mind was put back at ease. And then when I came home, lo and behold, there it all was in the mail. My e-mail trumped the universe attempting to reassure me.

Also, my dear friend Melissa has introduced me to this website called "Pinterest." It's ridiculously addicting to me. It's basically an online "idea book" or bulletin board. If you come across something you really like you "pin" it to your wall(s) You can have several categories, including fashion, food, decoration, ect. Also you can see what other people are pinning, and browse the most  popular things to re-pin to your wall. My problem is that there is a waiting list to join, so while I wait I have a browser that is just full of pages I want to pin, but can't because I don't have a wall to pin it to.  I will be wasting hours and hours and hours... and hours. Why you ask? Because you can find pictures like this:

Which I find both stunning as an image and desirous as a future architectural detail/inspiration. Yes, Please!

Then you scroll down the page about an inch and find

Do I really need to explain any further why I heart this website? It's used by my people... my kindred... my heart mates.

... at least visually speaking.

Adventures of Hope

Adventure #1: New car- check!

Adventure #2: Writing a guest blog- check!

Adventure #3: Doing creative writing and getting paid for it- check!

Adventure #4: Being on the jumbotron. (Kara says that this is an adventure, albeit not for a very happy reason.) - check!

Adventure #5: Road trip- being planned

Adventure #6: Hiking excursion- being planned

Adventure #7: Bringing back the wink... I know I'm an abysmal failure at that, but I'm not gonna give up!

Adventure#8: Class Reunion? Wednesday will be the 10 year mark! Though I've not actually heard anything about it, so we will see, I suppose.

Adventure #9: Get outside and play. - Someone with a house needs to buy a trampoline... thems be all kinds of fun and exercise at the same time!

Adventure# 10: I need your help! I know that I've tried this before, but I'm going to try again. I need adventures to embark on. They can be silly, they can be challenging, they can be outside of my comfort zone, but I need ideas. I'd like this to be a summer that pulls me forward. A summer that makes me smile when I remember it. A summer full of hope.

Today in church our preacher spoke about hope... about hope not as just a wish, but as something more possible than a wish... closer to one's heart and more real-
Here are some definitions of hope: (from dictionary.com)
n. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
v. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence: to believe, desire, or trust
v. Archaic- to place trust; rely

That's what I want for this summer: to hope. It's a very powerful word for me. It's a very powerful emotion for us all.

Contemplation

Want to know something odd? I found the following in an old notebook. I think I wrote it my first year of teaching, though I don't completely remember:

"Restless, and restless of being restless
Everything changing, wishing it all made sense.
Purposeless and trying to convince oneself that's ok.


'Does everyone feel so alone?' she wondered, sitting on a plaid couch. Is it a condition that we all feel and try to pretend we don't? Does the man rooting through the dumpster and throwing soda cans into a stolen grocery cart feel it, or is loneliness a privilege of the rich? If Maslow's needs are fulfilled can we then know loneliness, or is it something more basic than even the need for food, water, air. Is it encoded into our DNA, caused by a chemical, or is it simply because we all know somewhere deep inside, that each of our cells is alone. Yes, it makes up a body,  but it is still just one cell surrounded by a shield that won't let anything get too close, lest an explosion happen.


The amazing gift of the human being is to be alone when surrounded by others. And I think perhaps the gift of Americans in particular to refuse connection to another. I was walking into a gas station the other day and an elderly woman was walking out. She said, "Can you put this in my front seat?" I was shocked, taken aback, and genuinely confused. I looked around for help and started to go into the gas station when another girl asked her, "What now?" The lady repeated her plea and held the bag on her arm out. The younger girl took it and escorted her to her car. I quickly went to the restroom and avoided the younger woman in shame. What harm could an old lady who can't lift her groceries do to me?"

Odd, that I wrote something so apt for my feelings today, almost 5 years ago. So much for that whole, "look how much different I am today" feeling that I like to espouse. I, apparently, am much the same- though I'd like to think I would stop to help the lady with her groceries, I can also see myself doing the same thing, all over again. I don't do well with surprises that require action.

During the graduation ceremonies I was thinking a lot about my acting classes in college and the things I was taught about posture-- Hold that chin up, drop those shoulders. Show the world that you are brave and strong and noble, even though inside you feel scared and weak and base. Because somehow, if you can show it to the world, it's just a little bit more true and your feelings don't actually matter after all.

This is as contemplative as I ever get, and I've yet to draw a single conclusion. Interestingly enough, I recognize this as the writing mood I was in which resulted in me being accused of plagiarism on two separate occasions in high school. (I have never knowingly plagiarized, and I'm honest enough on here, I'd tell you if I had.) I think, perhaps, it's because when I am contemplative I lose my writing "voice"... It's as though I'm writing while mentally underwater. Ahhh there's a conclusion. At last I can sleep soundly.

In which I pretend to speak French twice

I didn't post yesterday because Blogger was le broken.

Yeah, check me out, I didn't even take French in HS! I'm so cosmopolitan.

However, it's been an exceedingly long day full of stress and emotions and I'm kind of exhausted. So this will be a short post in the way of my posts.

Nathan graduated today. I was apparently on the jumbotron. Missouri State handled it beautifully, and so many people were so kind to me. Dr. Nugent was just as sweet as can be, giving me a hug and then going off script to explain what was happening, and she called Nathan beloved... probably because he was. I saw several people who I knew, including my adviser from college who came up and gave me a hug, a fellow teacher from Mt Vernon who got her masters, and several students who knew me or Nathan... or didn't and just told me what a great thing it was that I was there to get his degree for him. Apparently the faculty all stood up when I went to get his degree... that makes me tear up a little. And the faculty and staff at the religious studies reception before graduation made me a little weepy, too. Nathan so enjoyed the people in the Religious Studies department... and it's obvious that they loved him, too.

I felt rather out of place in my dress with everyone else in their academic regalia. But I got over that. Did I mention I was on the Jumbotron? That really makes me feel out of place. I haven't gotten over that one yet.

Dawn tells me I was smiling... I'm glad it looked that way, cause my eyes were crying.

In other news of a more exciting, less sad nature, I've been contracted to do some creative writing on a video game! I'm very excited about this. It's a kid's game, and that's pretty well all I can tell you right now, but I will be sure to announce it, when I'm allowed to. It's basically right up my alley, with a fine mix of incredibly precise and organized minutia (aka all the documents that I have to work on and update with all their little boxes), and room for my imagination to bounce around, too. It's only for one game, and I'll only be working on it for a few hours a day for a couple of months, so it's not like a career or anything... but if I love it, maybe someday I can make it one, the world being my oyster and all.

Anyhow, I think I may turn in a little early again tonight.. (I was in bed by 11:30 last night, believe it or not!) I have a date with doughnuts (and family) in the morning. And as I said, I'm tré tired.

Ooooh yeah, that's right, I'm so French I could be bread.

Splendiferous

Today was, in a word, splendiferous.

I saw a friend in the middle of the day, ran errands with Kara, had Chik Fil A for supper and Starbucks for dessert, played one of the most rolicking games of Phase Ten possibly ever known to man, contributed to/worked on not one but TWO secret projects, and had the following conversation with Katie:

Katie: I have no idea how old this snickers peanut butter santa is. Jill left it in the desk. (Note: Jill was the person who had Katie's job before her, and Jill left last summer.)

Renée: Are you eating it?

 

Katie: Hell, yes.

 

I also watched a Quantum Leap episode, did a load of laundry, and sang my theme song of the day about 40 times too many. 

 

Unfortunately all that doing means the blog is gonna be mighty short tonight, cause I didn't start typing until 3 and I don't want this to take an hour. I tell you, singing your theme song over and over really takes it out of ya. ;)

 

Gearing up for an influx of family tomorrow and a big/heavy weekend. 

Friday is going to be hard: Prayers appreciated.

Love ya all the bunches,

  Renée

It's a brand new day

The human experience is such a roller coaster. Especially my life, right now. I have days where the only thing standing between me and total annihilation is a couple of brownie cakes, and then I have days where things just feel *right.* Where I feel like I can see into the future and I can tell it's all going to work out really well for me and all my friends.

Enter my theme music for today.

I feel a little bipolar, but I think it's just because the lows are so low right now that the highs seem so very tall. I'm sure it will even out, eventually. I mean life is certainly taking the upswing... but then again not sure how it could have gotten much worse, so an upswing was bound to happen at some point.

My family is coming into town on Thursday evening. Then on Friday I walk for Nathan.

Tonight I put away laundry, for the first time in far too long... I *do* the laundry, but it looks so happy there in a pile. I hate to take it away from the party and make it grow up and be responsible. Laundry just wants to have fun. Just like girls. Laundry and girls... pretty much the same thing- that's why women-folk so often get the laundry chore in the first place. It's because of the associations between laundry and girls and fun.

Riiiiiiiiight.

I cut my lip on a brownie cake wrapper. Those foil muffin liners are dangerous! No, you don't need to ask me why I had a foil muffin liner up close enough to my face to cut my lip. That is entirely irrelevant. It's not like I was getting the crumbs off the liner like a crazy person, or anything. Cause I don't do things like that. Especially not when I'm alone and no one can see me *eh hem* not do it.

Other things I have done-- narrowed my filing down to just one huge pile rather than a couch worth of it, in the office. That is quite the accomplishment, lemme tell you. I also got my nails did, watched Burlesque (Cher is still really pretty at age 64... and Christina Aguleria is a better actress than I'd have guessed.). I tried on all my jeans to determine which pairs were absolutely too big to wear, and wrote several e-mails. I'm a rock star.

Also a rockstar? Google's banner. Today they are Martha Grahaming it up and the other day was the "Little Miss, Mister Men" series.  *raises a glass* Here's to you, Google!

Dreaming & Brownie Cakes

I don't often remember dreams. Which is one of the many reasons why I am so frustrated with my dreams of late. Cause I've been remembering them... and it seems without fail, if I'm remembering the dream, I'm dreaming that Nathan didn't really die. Today I took a nap, and it must have been the 5th time where I dreamed that we all thought he died and we had the funeral, but we were wrong and he got better and came back home and everything was normal... only this time, he'd left again. And I didn't know where he'd gone and the whole dream was me just looking for him everywhere.

Just me looking for him everywhere.... yeah, that doesn't sound like my life at all.

In other news, I was going to lament to you my lack of cocoa powder. You see I decided to make brownies. This is a perfectly normal thing to do at 11:30 PM. Well, ok perhaps it's a perfectly normal thing for widows who've had a bad day to do at 11:30 PM... or maybe just for me...But ANYWAY I went to my pantry and alas the cupboard was bare... and by 'bare" I mean I didn't have enough cocoa powder. And I was all set to complain on my blog about my lack of cocoa powder, (because complaining is more cathartic than driving to Wal-mart at 11:30 at night) when I started complaining to my friend, Ryan. And then he offered up an idea that had not occurred to me, and is also sheer brilliance: "make like 3 brownie cupcakes." 

So hear I sit, with the scent of chocolate in the air and about a minute to go before I go check on the best idea on the planet

(2 minutes later) .... ok, it's official. Best idea on the planet. Fo shizzle. I told fb and I'm telling you- Ryan is a genius.



Also fun is that when baked in cupcake liners, brownies will crawl up the side and form a dome and then, when they cool, they crack and the center sinks down leaving the outside as an overhang and creating little brownie caves where the weary traveler can rest and get out of the rain...

Until they are DEVOURED! NOM NOM NOM!

Seriously, yo. Check out my fiiine photography skillz. It took a while to find the setting that would capture that glory as it was meant to be seen. I landed on "document." Who'da thunk?

I don't even know that there is anything that can follow this. I think I will just have to leave it here.

Chocolate.

It can cure the ills of the world.... and it's good for dementor attack, so pretty multi-facated, that.

In pursuit of a quote...

I played Dominion tonight with some friends. As I've already mentioned Dominon on here, I won't go into details on the game. Just suffice it to say that there are a lot of cards that you can possibly have in a game, but not every card is used every time, and I have a new set of cards that we haven't played with that often. Anyway, the point of this story is that I kicked bajajazootiebootie at Dominion, tonight.

... ok that's not actually the point, but it's along the road to the point!

The point is that the reason I was so good at Dominion tonight is that we'd played with these cards before, and I'd lost horrendously- but we only played with them once and it was a while ago. See, the thing is, I'm not actually very good at coming up with strategy for Dominon. What I'm good at is remembering what strategy works well with what cards. And so here's how the arc of my game stats go, over many instances of play. The very beginning- Abysmal. Then suddenly I shoot to super-rockstar-awesome status, the second time we play. But then other people start to remember what the best strategy is for what cards and my stats drop back down to below average, because when everyone is using the same strategy, the more effective one is the one everyone isn't using.

I think this kinda goes hand in hand with my style. I'm a mimic. It's true of social situations, it's true of communication styles and personality quirks/gestures, and it's true of creativity. Well, with creative things it's a little stranger, when my mimicry and creativity meet I get an effect I call bastardization. (Some might call it adaptation, but they are less colorful than I am.) This adaptation skill was put to use quite a bit when I was doing theatre-- How do we get this church to look like the inside of a house for 3 days? We paint some flats and foam sheets with fake wall paper and add some furniture and voila!*

I work best when I already have a base to work off of, though-Then I can take other people's ideas and change them to suit my needs... Like how do I make a katamari costume? Well, I buy a pattern for a tennis ball/pumpkin costume and then I add katamari nodules on it.*

How do I make a good gnome clip art for t-shirts for Drama club? I take a Santa picture and change his clothes and add a tall pointy hat.*

It's still definitely creative-- "Hey, look, the handle of this spoon can be the nose on a Sponge Bob cake if we color it yellow!"* It's still looking at things with new eyes and from a unique perspective. "Hey, if I take the sleeves off this blue velor mini dress, iron a fancy insignia on the chest, rip the seams up the sides about 3 inches and belt it with a big belt and some short pants and the right shoes, it's a perfect prince costume!"*

Inventive, yes... bastardization, definitely. I'm like the MacGyver of creativity.

And yes, I did write this entire post just so I could use that last line. I'm told I'm quotable... then again, mayhaps that person was just being nice.

*all of these examples are pulled from my real life. I'd include pictures, but I can't seem to find all of them.

Happy Mother's Day.... and then some random thoughts

My sister hates this holiday. She thinks it's a holiday that was made up pretty well for greeting card companies, and that it's really cruel to the people in the world who desperately want to be mothers, but can't, for one reason or another, and for those who have lost their mothers. And she makes good points, but I still feel like we need to have a day to acknowledge our moms, and honestly without a big hoopla of a day, there might be mothers who go unsung, and I think that might be just as sad.

So I'm going to continue to embrace the spirit of the holiday, and say happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms out there- in particular, my two mothers. I love you, both.

Less than a week until Nathan graduates.

I really missed him today. Something happened that would have had us in stitches for hours, but he wasn't here to laugh with me. I miss laughing with him a lot. I think a lot of things are funny, in this life, but sharing the funny things with others increases the humor, almost without exception.  I *really* miss his constant companionship. You may think this is really weird, but I find having a male presence around really calming. I know, I'm already pretty laid back... but... guys are kinda soothing to me... I think it's cause they are, for the most part, a lot easier for me to read- and I have an easier time assuming they like me. I have no idea why it's easier to assume that males like me rather than that females do. That's a weird little quirk to discover in oneself... huh...

Seriously, all my self discoveries happen this way. I'm just going along my merry way and then I say something about myself off handedly that I *then* realize I've never noticed about myself, even though I can recognize that it's true. And if it's in the midst of a group conversation I will pass it off as though I didn't just make a discovery, and later marvel to close friends.

Oh come on, I know I'm not the only one who pretends to understand things in conversation, when in fact I don't understand at all. Sometimes I start talking and then the understanding dawns on me and I realize how what I'm saying actually relates to the topic... and sometimes I just keep quiet or sound like a moron... My favorite thing is when I manage to make brilliant leaps and then I have to make up my way backwards if questioned as to how I got there. It's really exciting when you can pull that kind of thing off.

I think maybe I should take the Myers-Briggs again... I'm starting to wonder if my type has changed, or if I'm just more aware of my intuition... cause this is kinda the way I've always been, I think... but I suppose the MB test really is a measure not of our personality, but more of our *perception* of our personality. So I bet my answers would change even if my type really didn't change. Oh personality tests, I love you with a love unfading.

Ok, now you're just being silly.

I was downtown tonight, briefly, at the beginning of Art Walk... and a pub crawl... and some sort of festival as well? I determined then that I didn't really like Art Walk, but I actually think it's less about Art Walk and more about navigational stress. I don't like driving downtown during that madness, though honestly I don't mind walking. I don't like trying to figure out how to find parking, or where to go. See, I have a new car that I really like, but the fundamental problem is still that I don't actually *like* driving. I mean I drive around a lot, don't get me wrong. But if I had my druthers... I wouldn't, and Art Walk is the worst of all Springfield driving. Lots of cars, lots of people and not that much space. In other words: now accepting applications for a chauffeur.  I will pay you in baked goods... or sing your praises on my blog.. or paint you a picture... or sew you something?

I have a confession to make. I've been watching a new TV show on Netflix... it's called "Drop Dead Diva." And I think it's a really weird show for me to want to watch, and not just because it's a... Lifetime show... makes me cringe just a little, writing that.  But I also shouldn't want to watch it, considering that the main character died and came back to the body of someone else (who recently died). And yet, I completely love it.  Here's a bit of a plot summary, lifted from Wikipedia and then edited down:
"A vapid blonde and aspiring model, Deb, is killed in a car crash. She goes to limbo (think an all-white hospital waiting room the size of a mall) where you are sent to Heaven or Hell. She pushes a button that she shouldn't and is brought back to life in the body of a recently deceased, intelligent, overweight (and super pretty) lawyer named Jane Bingum. Deb (in her new body) retains her memories, but the "smarts" of Jane. Deb begins to rediscover her past while learning more about her inherited body's current life, and how Jane was treated when she was alive. Only Deb's long-time friend Stacy knows Jane's true identity."

Oh and I cut out the part where Deb's  boyfriend/almost-fiancé works at the same legal firm as Jane. Also, though she has the intelligence of Jane, Deb still acts like a total ditz, which is kind of an amusing juxtaposition. I never realized how much I'm used to characters playing a "type." But an overweight, smart lawyer who acts and talks like a valley girl.... That'll mess with your preconceived notions! Anyway, I think part of the reason I might like it so much is that they talk about grief and even deal with it on the show... and it's always respectful, but at the same time it's still a comedy. And honestly- it's hopeful... It's strange but you know... it's really a show about continuing life after a death... I mean it's mainly from the perspective of the person who died, so that's weird, but... honestly, it's dealing with the same issues that I deal with, and it's encouraging.

My British GPS would say, "Bi' of a weirdo, tha' one. Migh' be goin' a touch off  'er rockah."

Luckily, he can only tell me where to go- not throw in his snide commentary. But I know what he's thinking!

On a scale of one to ten (One being, perfectly normal and 10 being totally crazy pants), how healthy is personifying objects with sarcastic personality? Imma go with an 8.5. But that darn German judge gave it a 9.5. Such a hater, that one.

What about making up a German judge? That would be pretty normal, don't you think... I mean I wouldn't know, cause my German judges is, like, totally legit, and all... but you know... if he wasn't, I think that'd be pretty normal.

Kara once overheard a conversation between two guys while walking across campus, and she wrote it down in a note to share with me and it has since become part of the lore of our friendship. You should get one of us to tell you the full story sometime, but for now I will just give you the last two lines.

"I think you make up stuff just to piss me off."

"I do, man- but not this time."

Think of me fondly...

Happy birthday to the most adorable 3 year old I know.

Having been a guest blogger I feel a bit like I'm famous... I mean I'm being published in California! That means something! I'm just sure of it.

So today someone posted this great video about the dangers of Melanoma and the importance of checking your skin once a month, to catch it early... only one of the people on the psa is a lady who says she's doing it because she lost her best friend- the love of her life to it... and she held up a picture of herself, and her husband and her child. And I started to cry... I don't make noise when I cry. I'm a silent tears kinda gal... but I saw a girl who was my age holding up a picture... and I  *know*how hard it is to only have a picture to show people who your husband was. I couldn't stop the sobbing... I couldn't hold in the noise... I could barely catch my breath, and 10 minutes later when I finally got back under control, the whites of my eyes were the same color as my face... and though it did make my eyes look very green, it wasn't a good look. I was just blindsided by it. It was a good day, and then out of nowhere an emotional landmine exploded in my face, and left me curled up in a ball on my bed, aching. It was a good video... really honest and clear about the danger and the way to catch the cancer before it gets ugly. But that wife...

You can't catch leukemia before it gets bad... at least not Nathan's and I suspect not any leukemia. There isn't really "early detection." I can't imagine how hard it would be to think, "Maybe if we had just noticed earlier..." I really hope she doesn't think that...

I forget how much it hurts sometimes... that's probably some sort of coping mechanism. It doesn't make sense, that I should start crying out of nowhere... but then again, it doesn't make sense that I should ever stop crying, either. It just slams into me with the force of a Mack truck without any warning, and I don't even know how I manage to claw my way out far enough to tell people that I need them.

"...Yes, should you need us- for any reason at all...

I need you, Hoggle. I don't know why, but every now and again in my life - for no reason at all - I need you. All of you."

I need you to help me to not live in dread of hitting one of those landmines... and to be silly with me until late in the night... and to understand how hard it is to figure out who I am after cancer.... after death... and to think fondly of me, regardless.

Guest Blog!

Check it, yo! Remember how I talked about writing a blog for someone, a few weeks ago? Well, I did, and now I'm a real life guest blogger! http://lookingformoreblog.wordpress.com

1 Adventure obtained!

Hello, Horizons, Wanna Expand?

The problem with curly hair is that it requires you to shower in the morning, rather than at night. The problem with showering in the morning is it requires you to get up earlier than you otherwise would. The problem with getting up earlier is it requires you to stop hitting the snooze button. The problem with no longer hitting the snooze button is that you aren't getting any extra 5 minutes. The problem with no extra 5 minutes is that you went to bed at 4 in the morning and every 5 minutes is a vital 5 minutes. So me not getting enough sleep? Basically it's my curly hair's fault.

On a note related to my blog from yesterday, Kara thinks I need to take adventure suggestions from you, dear readers. When I say "adventure suggestions" I mean....well,  pretty much anything... Kara mentioned going back to school for interior design, which I'm strongly considering, and she also mentioned taking up hiking... which I am open to, but slightly hesitant about- I've never been super outdoorsy... and hiking seems heavy. No literally, the backpacks seem heavy. But there are many other risks in this world, and adventures to be had, and mayhaps you can think of a few that you think I should embark on. So go ahead. Tell me what you think I should do. The worst that can happen is I'll say, "No way, hombre." But who knows? Maybe I'll say, "Hello, horizons, wanna expand?"

Tonight I determined that if I ever get a tattoo-- and most likely I never will- but if I do, it will be of a swallow. Black ink, simple silhouette, classic/ pretty, somewhere on my right shoulder blade.

They are classic tattoos, which I like- Giving a nod to the history of the tattoo. They are graceful (which I'm totally not- though I so wish I was!) They represent a safe return home, a hardship survived, loyalty, love  and freedom, depending on who you ask, and those are all ideas that I very much support. :) They can also represent nautical miles logged, but I'll just ignore that one. Plus it just feels right... I've never known what I would get as a tattoo before and then Katie said "bird," and I there it was, in my head, as though it'd just been waiting for me to discover the idea. I think I might be turning into more of an intuitive... Ya think that's possible?

Ok, an hour just went past as I sat here typing and I had no idea.... I should probably go to bed.. I mean, that is, if my hair will let me get any sleep.

So carefully, carefully, with the plates.

Thank you for all your comments, both on Facebook and on my blog post from yesterday. It helps to know how many people are on my side... Sometimes I forget that the world I am so afraid of judging me also contains an awful lot of people who love me.

I went to a new restaurant in town today called the "Aviary Cafe and Creperie." It's downtown and it was *really* good. Really good. I recommend. And so does my friend Katie, who wrote a blog about it.

I want an adventure... but unfortunately my sense of responsibility precludes much adventuring.

Did you know that one time in college, Nathan and I and two other friends were sitting around talking about how we all just wanted to *do* something... and then somebody started talking about going to Santa Fe... and then we all up and decided to go. Only I backed out at the last minute cause I was directing a show and had practice the next day, among other responsibilities... I don't think they actually went all the way to Santa Fe... I think they stopped at Albuquerque... where the University of New Mexico is.

It was really hard, saying that I wasn't going to go... and then it was really lonely because all the people I was hanging out with had gone off on a grand adventure and I stayed put. I don't know why I didn't go... I like spontaneous... but I felt like I had things I couldn't flake out on... and I don't like it when people don't do what they say...

I wish I'd done that crazy thing.. I mean I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually that much fun once you got past the up-and-go endorphins... but... I dunno, tonight at least I wish I'd gone. If I had I could have seen Albuquerque with Nathan.

Nathan loved what the University of New Mexico looked like... so much so that he used to talk about taking me there someday, so I could experience it, too... that and the Santa Monica Pier.....

He went to Santa Monica on a mission trip to LA once... The one where Kara won on The Price is Right... he thought the pier was one of the prettiest places ever... but he never actually told me why he thought so... It could very well have been that the pier is pretty, but that he got really excellent customer service at a restaurant there, or that he met some kids and built a sandcastle with them or something... He was easily swayed by good experiences with people.

The problem with adventures, though is that I want companions and a quest and magical artifacts that I'll suddenly discover a use for mid-way through the journey. What good is adventuring on your own? Then it's just hard and lonely and you have no one to help set up camp.

Though for companions I would prefer it not be a bunch of dwarven men who will break all my plates... I have very pretty plates... they are green and blue streaked and square. But I'll make do with what I'm given, I suppose.

Yikes, Smells, and Saving

I cleaned off my desk today. I'm like a big girl or something. Let's not talk about the rest of my apartment which I didn't actually get around to cleaning...

Ok, so Kara and I were driving tonight and I didn't think that a car coming at us was going to stop at their red light as we went through an intersection. So I said, "Yikes!" and then, "Gosh, I didn't think he was going to stop!"

Then Kara proceeded to giggle at me for saying "Yikes!" To which my first response was, "I'm adorable! That's adorable!" and then I said, "And anyway, I say that all the time." But Kara doesn't think that I do, she thinks I must just say it in my head a lot. I disagree, and the only way we can settle this is to poll you, my dear readers. Have you heard/read me say "yikes" to you? Or is Kara right, and it's all in my head? I mean if I'd said "Jinkies!" then I think Kara would have a point... but "yikes"? I say it all the time! Right, guys? ...Right? ...Guys? ...Don't let the crickets start chirping, guys!

BTW, By request of Kara, I'm removing the captcha requirement to leave a comment-- she dislikes it and I will see how much spamming I actually get.... and how much it actually changes Kara's process to leave a comment.

I noticed something tonight when I entered my apartment. It doesn't smell right. Not even bad, just not "right." You know how each person's house smells distinctive? As in, if you could bottle the smell of a dwelling and then do a blind test- I could tell you whose house it is? Is this just me? Surely it isn't. Anyway, my house doesn't smell right. And I don't know if it's because Nathan isn't here to make it smell differently, or if it's because I burned dinner last week and the carbon molecules in the air have absorbed some latent odor, or if it's the changing season.. It's weird when your house doesn't smell like you... It's like I just moved or something.

I was watching the news tonight for a little while, and of course it was all about Osama and 9/11... And at one point they interviewed the families of several 9/11 victims... One woman talked about her husband, and how she wanted to find her husband's wedding ring from ground zero... another girl was sent her mother's drivers license from the rubble and she has saved it...and then they talked to this man and asked him what he saved... and he said he never falls asleep on his wife's side of the bed. For 10 years he has saved that spot for her, and he said, "I know she isn't there. I wish she was, but I know she isn't."

Then they cut back to the news reporters, and the man (whom I didn't recognize) said, "Just to think, he saved her side for 10 years..."

And then Diane Sawyer shook her head and with a tone of respect and wonder said, "10 years..."

And I was both horrified and terrified. I heard the admiration in her voice... and I'm so afraid that that is what is expected of me... That somehow if I don't hold onto Nathan to the exclusion of all others for 10 years or even for the rest of my life, it will cheapen our relationship in the eyes of the rest of the world. I recently heard of some young teen star (I know, obvious font of wisdom) quoted as saying that her grandmother was her hero, because she never re-married after her grandfather died, and that showed true love. I'm a romantic. I know about pledging eternal devotion, I know about the romance of admiring from a far- suffering in silence, I know about the story of Romeo and Juliet... That's one of the most well known love stories on the planet... and the main characters kill themselves when they think the other is dead. And they aren't the only stories in which the true loves don't end up together...Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, Titanic, Ghost, A Walk to Remember... Oh gosh... A Walk to Remember hits awful close to home now... All of them tell me to "never let go." But I don't want to stay here... I don't want to save his side of the bed for 10 years... I don't want to go 10 years with no one to clean the desk off for... I don't want to go ten years without someone to miss when they work late... I don't want to go 10 years without someone to gripe to when I don't like what someone says on facebook. I don't want to go so long without someone to make decisions with, and talk to as I fall asleep, and kiss goodbye.  Is it so impossible to have true love twice, without either of them being cheapened? I don't want to idolize Nathan, I don't want to make his side of the bed into a trap that I can't trigger without tremendous sorrow and guilt and fear and anxiety... It doesn't mean we didn't have true love... it just means that I didn't die and he didn't want me to live like I did. And I know all that... until Diane Sawyer says, "10 years..." in that tone of wonderment, and then my fear of somehow not honoring Nathan and everything we had flares up and I fall into a burning ring of fire.

Comments Encouraged: Or, The Pursuit of Interesting

You know what's really exciting? Looking in your refrigerator and discovering the strawberries you bought yesterday and forgot about.

If you've never had this experience you will just have to trust me.

I've been thinking about interpersonal relationships a lot lately. All relationships require work, but do you have the ones in your life that are just inexplicably easier? You just seem to understand each other without having to go into lengthy explanation. The flow of conversation is usually smoother and your senses of humor line up. The relationship in general is just easy. You don't get frustrated with the other person's quirks and they don't seem to get frustrated with your annoying little eccentricities.

Who? Me? Annoying little eccentricities? You mean like singing about 3 bars of a song over and over without realizing it? I don't think I do anything like that... yeah... never.

Well anyway.. Do you think there is a way to tell who you will have these types of rel-easy-ships with, or is it that elusive spark of chemistry that can't be captured in a bottle. I'm not talking romantic relationships, necessarily, platonic friendships can be just as easy. When I think of the people who I have this natural accord with, they don't really have a lot in common with me or with each other... so it makes me think it's just that flicker of the ineffable. But what do you think? Is it scientific? Is it something that can be narrowed down or defined?

In other news I think that my car might have stolen my interesting-ness. I've noticed that since Friday I seem to have a lot more difficulty coming up with things to write about on here, and I've been a bit of a dud in actual conversations as well. I think hybrids might drain a person's interesting meter in order to power themselves (they SAY it's the electric motor....) I'm not sure if it's hybrids in general, Priuses, or mine in particular but it's working as personality kryptonite for me. (Yeah, that's a good/interesting description... but it's totally not mine- Thanks, Ryan.) Seriously, I totally considered writing about using my windshield wipers today for the first time- before I realized: That's insanely boring!

I'll keep writing, because Pioneer Woman tells me that when you hit writer's block you just gotta keep plugging away, though I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to hear about my windshield wipers either.

I'm open to suggestions, by the way. Want to help me rediscover my creativity? Is there anything you want to know about me? Is there any subject you want to hear my thoughts on? Feel free to offer it up.

I just looked up "interesting" in a thesaurus. Here are the results: absorbing, affecting, alluring, amusing, arresting, attractive, beautiful, captivating, charismatic, compelling, curious, delightful, elegant, enchanting, engaging, engrossing, enthralling, entrancing, exceptional, exotic, fascinating, fine, gracious, gripping, impressive, intriguing, inviting, lovely, magnetic, pleasing, pleasurable, prepossessing, provocative, readable, refreshing, riveting, stimulating, stirring, striking, suspicious, thought-provoking, unusual, winning

That pretty well describes what I want my blog to be--- heck that describes what I want to be! ... well, everything except suspicious... that's the black sheep of the "interesting" synonym family.

Sardines and Edleweiss

I was at Katie and Jonny's until 2 in the morning. It was quite fun and I laughed a lot. You know, I would be perfectly content to do this every night, though I'm sure I'd want to change/add people from time to time. And I'd have to start writing my blog in the afternoon, cause starting this at 2 is not my greatest idea ever. I have decided for sure, though, that I'm going to put my book of questions in my car, so that, when the situation arises, I have a go-to resource for all sorts of random questions.

I love nights like this, when something spontaneous and almost magical seems to happen, everyone is in just the right temperament and suddenly early birds are staying up till past midnight, and no one wants to leave because they are having such a good time. These were the nights that college was made of for me, and part of the reason why I look back on college with such fond memories. They are a lot harder to come by these days. Everyone has to be so responsible and go to work and live in their own homes and be so adult-y. Sometimes I feel like the kid who's knocked on every door in the neighborhood and all the parents told me,"No, little Susie can't come out to play." But tonight? We had just enough people to play a killer game of sardines, all over the neighborhood.

Seriously, want to know a really fun time I had once? Playing Sardines in and around the library and then the quad on campus. We were in pairs to make it "safe." I don't even remember who all was there, but it was great. I wish I had the run of Juanita K, or JQH Arena for a night, or heck, even Craig Hall! ... I'd get a group of 20-30 people give them flashlights, turn off all the lights and play Sardines... it would be so fun! Ok, don't know what "Sardines" is? Go to this site-- it's pretty easy to understand. 

I drove around quite a bit today, and brought my gas mileage up from 43 mpg to 48.2... I'm shooting for over 50.... Seriously, it's like driving around a video game.

Ok, I should go to bed. I just sat here for about 10 minutes looking at the screen not even thinking about what to write, just thinking about playing Sardines and video games... and what I'm going to do tomorrow, and everything I did today and what I could go eat, cause it's 3 AM and I ate at 7PM... and none of that is really even very interesting it's just taking my brain that long to process everything... Plus church tomorrow... you know... that's going on...  So perhaps, my dear ones it is time for me to lay my head down upon my pillow.

Adieu, until the morrow.

Random thought: I really wish Edleweiss from the Sound of Music was an Austrian folk song, instead of a song they just wrote for the Sound of Music. But I just learned it was the last song that Rogers and Hammerstein ever wrote together, so that makes it a little better. (Hammerstein died from stomach cancer 9 months later.) That it is their last song together is poetic and so sad.