I try to make it look easy, you know?
I want people to think I'm doing ok, because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable around me.
And I think there is a lot of truth to the "act the way you want to be" philosophy.... I do feel better if I get dressed up nicely... I do feel better if I pay attention to my makeup. I do feel better if I hang out with a lot of people and don't think about anything but the moment I am in.
But sometimes it's 2:30 in the morning and I just want my husband. I just want to hear him tell me that everything is ok. I just want to talk about how much this sucks.
I don't know how to share my burden without becoming someone else's burden.
A friend told me last week that it wasn't my responsibility to pick up all the pieces that Nathan left behind. It made me cry, because I know it's what I'm trying to do...... but I still want to. I want to get it all together and I want for everyone to tell me that I'm incredible and inspiring. I want to be a person that strong... a person worthy of that kind of admiration... but I'm not sure it's even possible to pick up the pieces he left behind... I'm not even sure it's possible to hold together the pieces of myself... at least not tonight.
I wish it was as easy as I try to make it look.
I wish I had an invisible dragon with the head of a camel, who would hang out with me all the time, protect me, and listen to all my problems... at least until they were all solved and he had to go help out someone else.
Plus, I think I could always win at tic-tac-toe.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteAside: Aren't virtual hugs great? They are never awkward, and you never accidentally trample the feet of someone you are trying to comfort.
Maybe what will be incredible and inspiring about you is that you allowed yourself to express grief as it comes AND allowed yourself to be happy as it comes.
I know you worry about being a burden, but "many hands make light work." What if when you are with other people, and you feel sad, but you don't want to pass it on, you could say something along the lines of, "I'm sad. But please continue being happy and don't give me the there-there treatment. Your cheerfulness is cheering me up a little and I don't want you to stop, and the there-there makes me feel terrible about passing this on." Would that be possible? So you could continue having fun, but not having to "put on a face" you aren't feeling to have it?