For strength to be that close

Here I am, blogging on my lunch break because I missed you all so much... I'm sorry! Kara came over last night and we talked until the wee hours of the morning. (2:30 AM- Pregnancy insomnia for the win!) But I was too tired to string together a coherent sentence when she left. I had an ok day yesterday... I went gadding about town during the afternoon and bought lots of things- but everything was cheap, so I didn't spend more than 15 dollars anywhere.... and now I have place mats that I'm going to turn into pillows (cause I'm a genius like that), and a cute little owl, and a mat and frame for a print that was less than 1/2 the original price! Woot.

The evening was more of a roller coaster, esp. emotionally. I miss Nathan. It's nothing more complex or more simple than that. I miss him so much there is an ache, sometimes. There is certainly a void.

St. Patrick's day last year was when Nathan went into the hospital for the bone marrow transplant... It was his first day of radiation... It was the day they placed his tri-fusion badly, under local anesthesia when they should have put him under. I can remember nearly every detail... from wanting to carry the laptop himself for as long as he could, to what he was wearing, to how sick, tired, and exhausted he was as we were finally getting into the hospital room... I hate dwelling on this stuff but I can't seem to get away from it today. The day you go into the hospital sticks out in your mind much easier than the days spent there, which have a tendency to all run together in my mind... so I think today might actually be a bigger deal than the 23rd which is when the BMT actually happened. I think the hardest thing about today, is that... as difficult as this day was last year... I also had so much hope. And today the things that I hold hope for are so different. I am so different.

A friend posted this on her wall today... It is so true, for me, today.

Prayer of St. Patrick:
Christ with me, before me, behind me,
Christ in me, beneath me, above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
...Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through the mighty strength
Of the Lord

That's what I need today. For Christ to be that near. For people to be that kind. For strength to be that close.