Waiting for the Straightaway

Rough morning at church...Not sure if it was the loss of that hour, or the sermon, or just having to come down off the high that I'd been riding all weekend, but I cried pretty hard. I hate it when that happens... I like to try and confine the tears to when I'm by myself... I don't like it when they bust free in public and I can't control it. I've been told that I shouldn't do that... that it's good to let other people see me be upset. That it's good to let people be there for me...especially the ones who don't normally see me during the lows. Goodness knows that Kara bears more than her "fair share" of that burden... but I'm not so convinced that there are fair shares in this battle.... and golly if I don't worry about trusting someone and then them suddenly pulling out because it's so heavy/hard. Don't know that I could handle a friendship collapse at the moment. But that's not to say I'm not trying to get out there. I'm making a concentrated effort to become better friends with people at my church who I have always liked, but never actually been around or hung out with, and it's been really enriching... Cancer made Nathan and I both hunker down so much... Just hang out with the people who we always do, because we don't have the strength/emotional energy to do anything more... So meeting up with all these other people... it feels like I'm stretching muscles that have been cooped up for way too long. And honestly if I'm gonna try and expand my friendship circle it makes sense to start with the people who already know me/the situation and who care about me, right? Of course, right!

Back to the cause of the tears... The thing I think I grieve more than anything is the loss of Nathan's potential... and the loss of *our* possibilities... our future. Being ripped out of "we" and "our" and shoved back into "me" and "my." Losing the person who promised to love me, and who cared so much about me that he never let on that he was bored out of his mind when I changed the channel to some horrible TLC show or Bravo competition. I grieve that I couldn't spend today with him... or show him my nails... or snuggle up next to him to take the requisite spring forward nap... or play Dominion with him... or tell him that I'll go to sleep in just a little bit (and have a little bit take 2 hours and see him roll his eyes at me). I grieve for what today could have been, if he'd been here to share it with me. And there isn't a lot to say to that.... It's just heavy and it just sucks, and all we can do is throw ineffectual words at it. And they are, in fact, ineffectual, and no one is surprised.

I really did have a decent rest of the day... I'm just still riding that roller coaster... waiting for the straightaway.