One month

Just the Springfield portion of Nathan's last emergency room visit was over $11,000. I hate dealing with the insurance, but I'm so incredibly grateful for it.

Does anyone out there want a plant? I'm afraid I'm going to kill the one I have, and I really don't want to, as it is one of the plants from the memorial service. I don't really care what happens to it, as long as I don't know of it's demise...

This weekend is filling up very quickly. I'm glad. I only need to come up with Friday/Friday night plans... maybe I should use that time to sleep... but that's a depressing way to spend a Friday night. :s

My adult goal for today was to take out the trash... but I failed at that, because it is dark and you will probably think this is stupid but I hate taking the trash out in the dark. Things are more sinister in the dark, without a friend. Here's a cute story that got passed along to me -- It comes from one of my aunt's friends, speaking to her little (4 year old?) girl-

"I told her that Nathan was done fighting Whoakenia and he got to go to heaven to be with Jesus, and she said, "But....we PRAYED! A LOT!" I told her that God knows what he's doing and we just have to trust His plan and she said, "OK. Well, Grandma Sharon can show him where stuff is up der (there). Like drinking fountains and stuff."  I told her that we needed to pray for his wife still, because it is going to be hard for her to be without him. She said, 'Yeah. Boys take out the trash. I'll pray.'"

Such a wise wee one. My adult-ness wasn't a complete fail though-- I paid bills and transferred City Utilities to my name. So I'm a little bit of a grown-up.

Today is one month, since it isn't a leap year and there aren't 29 days in February. I swear I don't know how I'm getting through this. I've always had a fear of death... literally if I ever started to really think of death I would have to just start saying, "Jesus, help" over and over under my breath because it would almost cause a panic attack.... in fact if you'd asked me what my biggest fear was before cancer happened, I would have said, "My loved ones dying." (After cancer hits, no one asks you what your biggest fear is, anymore.) I always thought I would fall apart when Nathan died... and that's when I thought I would have 40 or 50 years with him... not 3 and a half. I know that not everyone out there is a believer... but the only explanation that I have for being able to continue to put one foot in front of the other is God. I should be a mess. I should be a sloppy pile of tears and misery, because my love for that man was so strong... but while I have my moments of tears and misery, it's not constant... and I can only attribute that to God, and the people that He has put into my life to take care of me. Some have been there through everything, some have just suddenly stepped up to the plate, and I can see some waiting in the wings, just about to take the stage. I can't swim... and I never thought I'd be able to stay afloat in the turbulent waters of grief, but time after time someone has turned into my life-preserver, and I truly believe that God has sent every single one to me. I can't explain why this had to happen, except that we live in a broken world. But I do believe that somehow, someway (even if I never really know how) this will be turned for good.