Quotin' Myself

I'm not sure what it was about today, but I was in a wonderful mood. Maybe it was the sunshine, maybe it was that I had exactly the amount of work that I could accomplish in the day, so I got everything done, but never was sitting around. Maybe it's that I knew my Lyra light was scheduled to arrive today... (It did, Huzzah!) Maybe it's just that today for whatever reason I felt like I am hilarious and witty and beautiful and smart and competent and awesome. Today I *felt* like the girl that Nathan always described when he talked about me. I felt loved and special.

I wish I could take a bottle of today and dab a little behind my ears whenever I'm feeling down.

Maybe I can, because it's called vitamin D.

I can't back down from life... I can't run away because I've been hurt... I know how fast life can change and I feel like I have to pick it up and hold it tight to me, because I can't let it slip away. I said in my very first blog post that "I don't have lofty goals or great desires. I'm pretty simple and straightforward when it comes down to it. I want to be happy." I didn't know how hard it would be, exactly 6 months later (freaky coincidence, eh?) to find that happiness. But I have a joy that I'm eternally grateful for. One might say that it surpasses all understanding.

I found my valedictorian speech yesterday when going through some old papers...  It was based on Ecclesiastes 3:1-8... In case you don't know, that's the "there is a time for everything" passage. It was a pretty good speech if I do say so, myself.... and at the end I say that, I wish my classmates, not success, but happiness, because "life doesn't depend on grades or ACT scores. Life is more about using what you have when you have it." Such a wise 17 year old I was....

I've been thinking lately, about Nathan... and about Nathan's energy, love of life, and spark.. and I know I won't be able to manage it all of the time, and it might seem a bit counter intuitive to some... but it seems like the most fitting tribute to Nathan is for me to not only be ok, but to be happy. To embrace the life he wasn't able to have. To be crazy, blissed out, happy. To smile at people just to get them to smile back at me. To remember how amazing he seemed to think I was and try to pass that feeling along to others so they can feel it too. To embrace the joy, love, and fulfillment that characterized our lives together and to try and find that again, in little pieces or large chunks. My life isn't over and 17 year old me is telling present day me that I gotta use it while I have it.