I definitely cried watching Glee...
I'm not good with goodbyes.... even fake ones.
I broke my desk... well actually, my desk has been broken for a long time... several several years, actually.... but now it's actually broken to the point that it won't be super functional ... unless it's ok for a computer tower to sit slanted? Heck if I know.
ooooh it's raining up a storm outside...
Heh, I like it. "Raining up a storm."
I think I'm so clever sometimes.
I met with my writers group for the last time in person... We are going to try and do a Skype/google meeting but Mandi is going to be in Florida for at least 2 years. (Master's program) And at least one of the boys is going to be on a ranch for the summer.
It's too bad, actually. I love the four of us getting together. We have such a fun time/dynamic. We have group conversations and conversations with just two of us over top of a conversation the other two are having and we can seamlessly transition in and out of the group conversation and switch conversation partners without even thinking about it and it's great. We won't be able to do that with Skype...
So that's a goodbye.
Worked on video game stuff a bit tonight. I love working on the video game stuff. I always feel super productive, and Ryan always says thanks when I send him stuff. You wouldn't think that would be a big deal, but it kinda is. Affirmation and appreciation... pretty much the way to get me to do nearly anything.
I've got to nail down a schedule for my life or my summer is going to fly past me and I'm not going to have gotten anything done... including food. I ate today at 6PM and at 2AM... yep. Ridiculous.
And with that... it's 4AM. Seriously this is my natural sleep schedule. I keep wondering if I could manage to keep going around and if I would settle into a "normal" pattern if I just went around the horn, if you will. Not pulling an all-nighter, but just pushing it a little further until I'm sleeping during the right time.
Maybe this means I'm supposed to live in Asia... or Europe somewhere... I don't know where... my understanding of time and time zones is shaky in the best of moments.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Sing
I thought about blogging about depressing stuff again, because there is this great song by DeathCab for Cutie that is super true... but it's also really depressing.
I mean, "Love is watching someone die" is a refrain.
Oh yeah Renee, why don't you keep this blog super upbeat and positive?
So I'm not going to blog about that, and if you really want to listen to the song I'm referring to you can go to this youtube video, which also has the lyrics for the song.
Instead I'm going to tell you about a message I got on facebook the other day that said, "Hey, I just wanted to message you and properly thank you for the two years teaching me, I learned a great deal from you and not just about acting, so thank you, keep being awesome."
Well if that isn't nice enough to make a girl wanna cry I don't know what is.
I'm so glad to know that even if teaching wasn't my calling, at least I was able to make a difference to some people while I was there.
I think that's good enough for me.
Ohhh and I just realized that the graduation Glee is online now. Oh it's a happy day for me... unfortunately I need to go to bed, not go watch it right now. But it's something to look forward to.
It really doesn't take much to make my day. I think that's a good thing.
So I'll leave you with this song instead. It's one of my all time favorites
I mean, "Love is watching someone die" is a refrain.
Oh yeah Renee, why don't you keep this blog super upbeat and positive?
So I'm not going to blog about that, and if you really want to listen to the song I'm referring to you can go to this youtube video, which also has the lyrics for the song.
Instead I'm going to tell you about a message I got on facebook the other day that said, "Hey, I just wanted to message you and properly thank you for the two years teaching me, I learned a great deal from you and not just about acting, so thank you, keep being awesome."
Well if that isn't nice enough to make a girl wanna cry I don't know what is.
I'm so glad to know that even if teaching wasn't my calling, at least I was able to make a difference to some people while I was there.
I think that's good enough for me.
Ohhh and I just realized that the graduation Glee is online now. Oh it's a happy day for me... unfortunately I need to go to bed, not go watch it right now. But it's something to look forward to.
It really doesn't take much to make my day. I think that's a good thing.
So I'll leave you with this song instead. It's one of my all time favorites
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A Case of Emotional Chicken Pox
Well, I got my dishes done. Even the ones that have to be done by hand. That seems like a pretty large accomplishment.
I'm also trying out a new shampoo and conditioner. It's got keratin in it to supposedly heal damage and breakage of hair. I need it because I have long hair and long hair gets split ends. I hate split ends.
Seriously, have I ever talked about how weirdly OCD I am about split ends? It's a little disturbing, honestly. I can sit and stare at the ends of my hair for hours, picking and breaking off the split ends. Pretty sure it's actually terrible for my hair, but it's completely obsessive compulsive. I do it all the time. Whenever I start blogging and have to think for a second about how I want to word something I pull a section of hair in front of my eyes and look for split ends without even thinking. Or if I'm just sitting around doing nothing... I mean I guess I'm glad I don't pull out my eyelashes or something, but it's still weird and something I have to really fight not to do when I zone out.
But anyway, I started talking about that because I took out my braid and I was surprised at how good my new shampoo and conditioner smell.
Nathan and I had a lot of little scripts that we would repeat all the time and one of them was:
Nathan: Your hair smells good.
Me: You always say that.
Nathan: It always smells good!
I've been missing him so much the past two days, and craving touch in a way that I haven't since just after he died. I literally have had to keep myself from randomly leaning on/hugging/petting friends. I've done a little of it without even thinking about it the past few days-- (Sorry if that was you and I invaded your personal space!) I was telling Kara earlier that it's like I have emotional chicken pox, and it's totally maddening. All I want to do is to connect, to touch, to not feel so darn uptight about physical contact, but you shouldn't scratch when you have chickenpox. It will only make it worse and give you scars.
Doesn't make me any less frustrated, though.
I'm also trying out a new shampoo and conditioner. It's got keratin in it to supposedly heal damage and breakage of hair. I need it because I have long hair and long hair gets split ends. I hate split ends.
Seriously, have I ever talked about how weirdly OCD I am about split ends? It's a little disturbing, honestly. I can sit and stare at the ends of my hair for hours, picking and breaking off the split ends. Pretty sure it's actually terrible for my hair, but it's completely obsessive compulsive. I do it all the time. Whenever I start blogging and have to think for a second about how I want to word something I pull a section of hair in front of my eyes and look for split ends without even thinking. Or if I'm just sitting around doing nothing... I mean I guess I'm glad I don't pull out my eyelashes or something, but it's still weird and something I have to really fight not to do when I zone out.
But anyway, I started talking about that because I took out my braid and I was surprised at how good my new shampoo and conditioner smell.
Nathan and I had a lot of little scripts that we would repeat all the time and one of them was:
Nathan: Your hair smells good.
Me: You always say that.
Nathan: It always smells good!
I've been missing him so much the past two days, and craving touch in a way that I haven't since just after he died. I literally have had to keep myself from randomly leaning on/hugging/petting friends. I've done a little of it without even thinking about it the past few days-- (Sorry if that was you and I invaded your personal space!) I was telling Kara earlier that it's like I have emotional chicken pox, and it's totally maddening. All I want to do is to connect, to touch, to not feel so darn uptight about physical contact, but you shouldn't scratch when you have chickenpox. It will only make it worse and give you scars.
Doesn't make me any less frustrated, though.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Memorial Day
Nathan has been heavily on my mind of late. It's sort of inevitable with weddings... especially since this one was so close to where Josh and Kara's wedding was... I have pretty strong associations with Josh and Kara's wedding and Nathan.
This was a wedding he should have been here for. That's what I kept thinking.... "Nathan should be here for this." Bill was in our wedding and I think Bill told me that Nathan would have been a groomsman. He could have been the one escorting me down the aisle. I missed the sweet smile he would have given me as he got all teary listening to friends saying the same thing we said to each other. I missed it so much. (Nathan was the one who cried at weddings, not me.) And how incredibly thrilled he would have been for Bill and Melissa. He would have been so so happy.
Bill's dad came up to me at the wedding. He was so sweet and he said to me that he "thought it might not be the right time to say it," but he wanted me to know how much he admired my strength, and that he thought I was amazing (I'm paraphrasing, I was taken off guard, so I didn't have my memory fully engaged.) I was so surprised and touched. You just never know who is watching you.
Paula was there and I was so glad to see her... I know she was feeling that Nathan should have been there, too. It's a bond that I hate that we share, but is at the same time- it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
I managed not to cry the whole day- weddings are happy! But when Bill toasted Melissa, ending with "You're my best friend." I almost did. It hit me with such a strong wave of home-sickness...That's the marriage that we had. I thought the world of him and he thought the world of me, and how I want that back...
Then today I had a flash of the terrible side of my experiences. We were having church as usual and suddenly I hear someone run into the sanctuary. I turned and saw Sam (Tim's son) say something to Jonny, who jumped up from his seat, grabbed the baby carrier with August in it and not-quite-sprinted out- followed by 2 other guys in the back of the church. I knew that Katie was teaching Sunday School (with Sam in class) and I started freaking out. I almost got up and followed them because I needed to know what was happening, but I was too scared at the same time, because my mind automatically went to the worst case scenarios: Katie had passed out for an unknown reason that would eventually be diagnosed as cancer, Katie had passed out upstairs and cracked her head open, Katie had managed to slice her artery open on a pair of safety scissors and had passed out from blood loss, Katie fell down the stairs and broke her back... or her neck.. or every bone in her body, Katie had a stroke. I was dreading hearing ambulance sirens. I was wondering how I was going to be able to deal with all my "stuff" when it comes to hospitals and emergency rooms and ambulances and still be a good friend to the Carters. Basically I was *freaking the heck out.*
I don't think I heard a thing Tim said, because Jonny never came back. And I knew that everything I was thinking was over the top and a worst case scenario, (I mean, seriously who's natural first response is to suspect a 25 (26?) year old girl has cancer?!) but I was so afraid. Eventually when the songs started and there still hadn't been an ambulance I calmed down a little bit but I was still worried. First thing I said to someone was to ask what had happened to Katie.
Kara, God love her, wasn't too afraid to call and find out, like I was.
(by the way, Katie fell off a chair and broke her radius near the elbow and damaged her wrist. She has a sling and will be seeing an orthopedist on Tuesday to find out more.)
So I guess if I have baggage it's that kind of baggage. The kind that makes me freak out with PTSD when I don't know what's going on, but makes me too scared to go find out.
Do you have any idea how much I dislike being that illogical? Do you have any idea how little I cared in the moment that I was being illogical and just wanted to throw myself into someone's arms, anyway?
Impulse control- I still have to fight so hard for it sometimes.
This was a wedding he should have been here for. That's what I kept thinking.... "Nathan should be here for this." Bill was in our wedding and I think Bill told me that Nathan would have been a groomsman. He could have been the one escorting me down the aisle. I missed the sweet smile he would have given me as he got all teary listening to friends saying the same thing we said to each other. I missed it so much. (Nathan was the one who cried at weddings, not me.) And how incredibly thrilled he would have been for Bill and Melissa. He would have been so so happy.
Bill's dad came up to me at the wedding. He was so sweet and he said to me that he "thought it might not be the right time to say it," but he wanted me to know how much he admired my strength, and that he thought I was amazing (I'm paraphrasing, I was taken off guard, so I didn't have my memory fully engaged.) I was so surprised and touched. You just never know who is watching you.
Paula was there and I was so glad to see her... I know she was feeling that Nathan should have been there, too. It's a bond that I hate that we share, but is at the same time- it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
I managed not to cry the whole day- weddings are happy! But when Bill toasted Melissa, ending with "You're my best friend." I almost did. It hit me with such a strong wave of home-sickness...That's the marriage that we had. I thought the world of him and he thought the world of me, and how I want that back...
Then today I had a flash of the terrible side of my experiences. We were having church as usual and suddenly I hear someone run into the sanctuary. I turned and saw Sam (Tim's son) say something to Jonny, who jumped up from his seat, grabbed the baby carrier with August in it and not-quite-sprinted out- followed by 2 other guys in the back of the church. I knew that Katie was teaching Sunday School (with Sam in class) and I started freaking out. I almost got up and followed them because I needed to know what was happening, but I was too scared at the same time, because my mind automatically went to the worst case scenarios: Katie had passed out for an unknown reason that would eventually be diagnosed as cancer, Katie had passed out upstairs and cracked her head open, Katie had managed to slice her artery open on a pair of safety scissors and had passed out from blood loss, Katie fell down the stairs and broke her back... or her neck.. or every bone in her body, Katie had a stroke. I was dreading hearing ambulance sirens. I was wondering how I was going to be able to deal with all my "stuff" when it comes to hospitals and emergency rooms and ambulances and still be a good friend to the Carters. Basically I was *freaking the heck out.*
I don't think I heard a thing Tim said, because Jonny never came back. And I knew that everything I was thinking was over the top and a worst case scenario, (I mean, seriously who's natural first response is to suspect a 25 (26?) year old girl has cancer?!) but I was so afraid. Eventually when the songs started and there still hadn't been an ambulance I calmed down a little bit but I was still worried. First thing I said to someone was to ask what had happened to Katie.
Kara, God love her, wasn't too afraid to call and find out, like I was.
(by the way, Katie fell off a chair and broke her radius near the elbow and damaged her wrist. She has a sling and will be seeing an orthopedist on Tuesday to find out more.)
So I guess if I have baggage it's that kind of baggage. The kind that makes me freak out with PTSD when I don't know what's going on, but makes me too scared to go find out.
Do you have any idea how much I dislike being that illogical? Do you have any idea how little I cared in the moment that I was being illogical and just wanted to throw myself into someone's arms, anyway?
Impulse control- I still have to fight so hard for it sometimes.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Barely there blog
Great day, with great friends.
I'm so exhausted though.
I literally thought as I was driving home that I wanted a foot massage... and those of you who know my stance on not loving being touched understand that's a big deal.
There is a lot more to say and post about but I literally don't have the energy, so you will have to live on this little bit of a blog until tomorrow.
Awwww quit yer bellyachin' and go to PostSecret.
P.S. hmmmm on second thought, maybe not... non-family-friendly theme going on over there today.
P.S. hmmmm on second thought, maybe not... non-family-friendly theme going on over there today.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Complimentary
I said I might not blog, but that was before the day I had.
It was a great day. I got compliments like they were going out of style and everyone bought them on the cheap.
Today I was asked at two different times and by two different people if I had hair extensions, because my hair "looks so good it looks fake."
One lady just kept bringing it up, saying that she couldn't get over it.
And several others complimented it with a range from "magical" to "perfect."
... or should those be reversed?
I was also told that I have an amazing voice that a person could listen to all day,
That I remind someone of Zooey Deschanel,
That I'm a Disney Princess.
And that I look tan. (I take that last one as a compliment because I spray tanned today, and while I don't love that I now smell of spray tan, I love that I got some color without UV rays.)
Granted, these were almost all from girls. I think one boy might have mentioned that I looked tan.
Melissa's family might be the most complimentary bunch I've ever met.
In other news, my head grew three sizes today and can now double as a hot air balloon if necessary.
It was a great day. I got compliments like they were going out of style and everyone bought them on the cheap.
Today I was asked at two different times and by two different people if I had hair extensions, because my hair "looks so good it looks fake."
One lady just kept bringing it up, saying that she couldn't get over it.
And several others complimented it with a range from "magical" to "perfect."
... or should those be reversed?
I was also told that I have an amazing voice that a person could listen to all day,
That I remind someone of Zooey Deschanel,
That I'm a Disney Princess.
And that I look tan. (I take that last one as a compliment because I spray tanned today, and while I don't love that I now smell of spray tan, I love that I got some color without UV rays.)
Granted, these were almost all from girls. I think one boy might have mentioned that I looked tan.
Melissa's family might be the most complimentary bunch I've ever met.
In other news, my head grew three sizes today and can now double as a hot air balloon if necessary.
Wedding Pan Luvs
Let the Wedding Weekend commence!
Tomorrow I'm getting my nails done with Melissa and Co. And I'm getting a spray tan so as to be slightly less pale than my current state... though that will hopefully be pre-nails, not post-nails
And then a bit of down time (unless Lissa has something that needs doing) and then rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and then wedding on Sat morning. I'm looking forward to it all, though please be warned that it's quite possible that there won't be a blog tomorrow night. Prepare yourselves now.
It's amazing what can happen in a year, isn't it? Even one that feels like it's crawling by.
May this time next year feel just as different as this year does from last year.
2012 is turning out to be a good year. 2009 wasn't so great and 2010 had some serious ups and downs and 2011 was a terrible year.... but 2012 is doing right by me so far. For once the year listened when I told it to shape up.... Maybe it's because I cried the New Years in and it felt bad for me?
Baby New Year was all like, "Girl, why are you crying?"
(fast forward to 2:22 for the reference)
There's a blast from the past.
Anyone else record this from TV and watch it a ton as child??
No? Only me?
I loved the shadow hand puppets part.... Of course I also didn't really realize that Peter Pan was a girl.... I was just super confused as to why there was a boy named Mary Martin.
Ah well.
Live and learn.
But don't buy Luvs, cause I ain't got no baby!
Sometimes I delight in making weird blog post titles that don't actually make any sense.
Tomorrow I'm getting my nails done with Melissa and Co. And I'm getting a spray tan so as to be slightly less pale than my current state... though that will hopefully be pre-nails, not post-nails
And then a bit of down time (unless Lissa has something that needs doing) and then rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and then wedding on Sat morning. I'm looking forward to it all, though please be warned that it's quite possible that there won't be a blog tomorrow night. Prepare yourselves now.
It's amazing what can happen in a year, isn't it? Even one that feels like it's crawling by.
May this time next year feel just as different as this year does from last year.
2012 is turning out to be a good year. 2009 wasn't so great and 2010 had some serious ups and downs and 2011 was a terrible year.... but 2012 is doing right by me so far. For once the year listened when I told it to shape up.... Maybe it's because I cried the New Years in and it felt bad for me?
Baby New Year was all like, "Girl, why are you crying?"
(fast forward to 2:22 for the reference)
There's a blast from the past.
Anyone else record this from TV and watch it a ton as child??
No? Only me?
I loved the shadow hand puppets part.... Of course I also didn't really realize that Peter Pan was a girl.... I was just super confused as to why there was a boy named Mary Martin.
Ah well.
Live and learn.
But don't buy Luvs, cause I ain't got no baby!
Sometimes I delight in making weird blog post titles that don't actually make any sense.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Grumpy Hermitage
I was a hermit today.
I read a book tonight which is a pretty hermit-y thing to do.
I really don't like stories where the main character doesn't get what he/she wants in the end. Like, what the heck!?! You are going to spend this many pages making us care about the character- Making us identify and laugh and love the character and then at the end you are gonna try and make us be content with a partial happiness?
That's not good enough. In fact, it's total crap.
I want the ending to be happy. I could care less if it's the traditional (aka "predictable") route. If you are going to write a love story the characters need to be in love in the end. None of this "My Best Friend's Wedding" crap.
If you are going to write a coming of age then the character needs to grow and mature into the person we always knew (s)he could be.
If you are writing a mystery someone has to cleverly put all the piece together in the end likely with great peril to themselves.
You may have gathered I'm irritated at the book I just read.
I really liked this character. I'm mad that I'm supposed to be satisfied with an ending that doesn't give her what she wants, even though she's worked so hard and done so much for everyone else.
I know that a lot of people don't love Twilight, but honestly say what you will about Stephanie Meyer. She keeps her authorial promises.
Maybe that's what this comes down to. I can't stand it when someone doesn't keep their promises. Just don't make a promise if you aren't going to fulfill it (or at least try.)
Also I obviously hate leaving my "entertainment" feeling more depressed and fed up with life than I did when I started.
I read a book tonight which is a pretty hermit-y thing to do.
I really don't like stories where the main character doesn't get what he/she wants in the end. Like, what the heck!?! You are going to spend this many pages making us care about the character- Making us identify and laugh and love the character and then at the end you are gonna try and make us be content with a partial happiness?
That's not good enough. In fact, it's total crap.
I want the ending to be happy. I could care less if it's the traditional (aka "predictable") route. If you are going to write a love story the characters need to be in love in the end. None of this "My Best Friend's Wedding" crap.
If you are going to write a coming of age then the character needs to grow and mature into the person we always knew (s)he could be.
If you are writing a mystery someone has to cleverly put all the piece together in the end likely with great peril to themselves.
You may have gathered I'm irritated at the book I just read.
I really liked this character. I'm mad that I'm supposed to be satisfied with an ending that doesn't give her what she wants, even though she's worked so hard and done so much for everyone else.
I know that a lot of people don't love Twilight, but honestly say what you will about Stephanie Meyer. She keeps her authorial promises.
Maybe that's what this comes down to. I can't stand it when someone doesn't keep their promises. Just don't make a promise if you aren't going to fulfill it (or at least try.)
Also I obviously hate leaving my "entertainment" feeling more depressed and fed up with life than I did when I started.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Spanish for "the Nino"
I forgot to tell you the day that I remembered the Spanish word for cow (vaca) out of nowhere from my high school Spanish class.
Senorita Dunham would be so proud.
I'm actually rather terrible with languages. I remember the color song from Spanish and that Wednesday is called Miercoles. Poor Wednesday. It's always saddled with the longest name!
Also the library is the biblioteca.
And shoes are zapatas.
And dog is pero**
Actually, come to think of it, it turns out that I remember a lot of random words from high school Spanish.
I also remember that the teacher taught us that if you put a can of sweetened condensed milk on the lowest burner setting of an electric stove for like 2 or 3 hours you will have dulche de leche.
Apparently the internet doesn't think this is safe.
Danger of exploding de leche and whatnot.
And now I'm really sad that the scene in Holiday Inn where all of Bing Crosby's home-canned jam explodes is nowhere on the entirety of the youtubes.
It's classic, just trust me.
Buh-- I'm super sleepy. I'm going to bed now. You can't stop me.
**it's "perro" with 2 r's. I knew it, but I wrote the blog late at night and unfortunately pero is also a Spanish word meaning "but." Choose to believe me as you will, but I thought I should make a note of it
Senorita Dunham would be so proud.
I'm actually rather terrible with languages. I remember the color song from Spanish and that Wednesday is called Miercoles. Poor Wednesday. It's always saddled with the longest name!
Also the library is the biblioteca.
And shoes are zapatas.
And dog is pero**
Actually, come to think of it, it turns out that I remember a lot of random words from high school Spanish.
I also remember that the teacher taught us that if you put a can of sweetened condensed milk on the lowest burner setting of an electric stove for like 2 or 3 hours you will have dulche de leche.
Apparently the internet doesn't think this is safe.
Danger of exploding de leche and whatnot.
And now I'm really sad that the scene in Holiday Inn where all of Bing Crosby's home-canned jam explodes is nowhere on the entirety of the youtubes.
It's classic, just trust me.
Buh-- I'm super sleepy. I'm going to bed now. You can't stop me.
**it's "perro" with 2 r's. I knew it, but I wrote the blog late at night and unfortunately pero is also a Spanish word meaning "but." Choose to believe me as you will, but I thought I should make a note of it
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
And We Must Wait
Nathan asked me once if I regretted not dating other people before committing to him. He kinda
loved that I hadn't... a bit of the jealous type, that one. But he
wondered if I ever wished that I'd had more dating experience. I
responded that I was perfectly happy. If there was something better out
there, well I'd never know, but I was sure that we were pretty well as
good as it gets.
I'm really glad I didn't date more before Nathan. If I was missing something I can find it now and I didn't waste any time that could have been spent with him.
People who got married in 2007 are celebrating their 5th anniversary this year. All those weddings that happened the same spring and summer as ours. Not gonna lie, it sucks for me... Not that I don't want people to celebrate their marriages.... it's just painful sometimes... it used to be this happy thing that we shared and then my celebration got turned into a sorrow-versay. But I don't want people not to talk about it around me or treat me with kid gloves. I really am happy for them, there is just a selfish bit of my mind that gets sad, knowing that I should be excited and planning what we are going to do to celebrate, but I don't have that.
There are so many little things that sting and no one can do a darn thing about them. When you are in a long-term relationship there are little displays of affection that people take for granted, and I miss so much. Most of the time I don't think people even notice when they do them. I notice though and how I miss the shoulder to lay my head on. The hand to hold. Just being able to have someone I am comfortable enough with to lean against.
And despite all that, I can still say that while I miss my husband dearly... so much more often I miss my best friend.
A quote from Dr. Who:
The doctor, speaking to Queen Victoria of Prince Albert who has already passed away: "You must miss him."
Queen Victoria says: "Very much. Oh, completely. And that's the charm of a ghost story, isn't it? Not the scares and chills, that's just for children, but the hope of some contact with the great beyond. We all want some message from that place. It's the Creator's greatest mystery that we're allowed no such consolation. The dead stay silent, and we must wait."
I can't help but wonder what Nathan would think of me now. What would he say of the person I have become? Would he think that I've changed so much or that I'm actually not that different from who he always saw me as? Would he be shocked at how I've weathered this storm and how independent I am? Would he still think I was the most beautiful girl in the world? Would he be proud?
Even if he couldn't come back, even if it was just talking... I wish I could get his opinion. I miss hearing what he thought about things. I can guess sometimes, but it's not the same.
Yeah...
I blame Queen Victoria for this melancholy post.
I'm really glad I didn't date more before Nathan. If I was missing something I can find it now and I didn't waste any time that could have been spent with him.
People who got married in 2007 are celebrating their 5th anniversary this year. All those weddings that happened the same spring and summer as ours. Not gonna lie, it sucks for me... Not that I don't want people to celebrate their marriages.... it's just painful sometimes... it used to be this happy thing that we shared and then my celebration got turned into a sorrow-versay. But I don't want people not to talk about it around me or treat me with kid gloves. I really am happy for them, there is just a selfish bit of my mind that gets sad, knowing that I should be excited and planning what we are going to do to celebrate, but I don't have that.
There are so many little things that sting and no one can do a darn thing about them. When you are in a long-term relationship there are little displays of affection that people take for granted, and I miss so much. Most of the time I don't think people even notice when they do them. I notice though and how I miss the shoulder to lay my head on. The hand to hold. Just being able to have someone I am comfortable enough with to lean against.
And despite all that, I can still say that while I miss my husband dearly... so much more often I miss my best friend.
A quote from Dr. Who:
The doctor, speaking to Queen Victoria of Prince Albert who has already passed away: "You must miss him."
Queen Victoria says: "Very much. Oh, completely. And that's the charm of a ghost story, isn't it? Not the scares and chills, that's just for children, but the hope of some contact with the great beyond. We all want some message from that place. It's the Creator's greatest mystery that we're allowed no such consolation. The dead stay silent, and we must wait."
I can't help but wonder what Nathan would think of me now. What would he say of the person I have become? Would he think that I've changed so much or that I'm actually not that different from who he always saw me as? Would he be shocked at how I've weathered this storm and how independent I am? Would he still think I was the most beautiful girl in the world? Would he be proud?
Even if he couldn't come back, even if it was just talking... I wish I could get his opinion. I miss hearing what he thought about things. I can guess sometimes, but it's not the same.
Yeah...
I blame Queen Victoria for this melancholy post.
Monday, May 21, 2012
I don't know that this post *has* a theme...
The thing is that when someone tells you that you look like a dark-headed Marilyn Monroe, you don't argue and you don't regret breaking down and buying a bathing suit that you technically don't need because you can't swim and don't really like the water.
Kara's also been saying lately that I look/seem like a Disney princess... a bad-a Disney princess because of the tattoo. But she says the tattoo is a bit Disney princess, too.
She gives the best compliments.... either that or she knows me well enough to know what I think the best compliments are.
Probably both, come to think of it.
I'm in love with this version of "I Want You Back." It's a cover by The Civil Wars of the Jackson Five song.
I think this might actually say something about my personality.
"Renée appreciates cheesy-ness and "classics" but likes it best when they are reworked into something that feels both new and strangely familiar."
Ok, to be clear, I don't actually know if that's true about myself... I don't have that much insight into my own mind, but it sounds good, right??
So I just put it together. Because of the accelerated moving timeline, Kara is leaving on July 29th. The Miller "4th of July" festival is happening July 28th. The thing is I can't go home on the last weekend that my best friend and I live in the same city. I'm really sad, because it will actually be the very first "4th" that I've ever missed, even during cancer... but I need to be in Springfield. So, I guess I'll be going home a different weekend this summer.
Dang it. I hate messing with tradition. Someone get me a TARDIS so I can be in two places at once!
Kara's also been saying lately that I look/seem like a Disney princess... a bad-a Disney princess because of the tattoo. But she says the tattoo is a bit Disney princess, too.
She gives the best compliments.... either that or she knows me well enough to know what I think the best compliments are.
Probably both, come to think of it.
I'm in love with this version of "I Want You Back." It's a cover by The Civil Wars of the Jackson Five song.
I think this might actually say something about my personality.
"Renée appreciates cheesy-ness and "classics" but likes it best when they are reworked into something that feels both new and strangely familiar."
Ok, to be clear, I don't actually know if that's true about myself... I don't have that much insight into my own mind, but it sounds good, right??
So I just put it together. Because of the accelerated moving timeline, Kara is leaving on July 29th. The Miller "4th of July" festival is happening July 28th. The thing is I can't go home on the last weekend that my best friend and I live in the same city. I'm really sad, because it will actually be the very first "4th" that I've ever missed, even during cancer... but I need to be in Springfield. So, I guess I'll be going home a different weekend this summer.
Dang it. I hate messing with tradition. Someone get me a TARDIS so I can be in two places at once!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Stream of consciousness
Greetings from beyond the void.
I don't really know what void I'm referring to, I just wanted to say that.
Dude. I went to bed at 1 AM last night. No foolin'!
That isn't happening tonight. Tonight I have to curl my hair and paint my nails.... and cut them- (my nails, not my hairs) - They are at the too-long stage.... that and I have one super short one that will seem less short if I cut the rest of them.
Is it weird that I keep my curling iron and a mirror by my computer chair so that I can watch a TV show while I curl my hair?? It takes 45 minutes to curl if I'm watching a tv show and about 25 if I'm not. But if I'm not there is a lot of standing around staring at myself in the mirror, so really I'm being efficient with my time. You gotta respect that, even if you do think I spend too much time on my hair.
RESPECT IT!
Ok fine whatever, do what you want.
I'm a terrible disciplinarian.
I want a snack.
OK really I want a bowl of cereal...
Ok *Really* I want a bowl of frosted Rice Krispies. But I'm out.
I was going to make a comment about sugary cereal, but actually, as cereals go it's not that bad. I looked it up.
Oh Noooes! I left my Mini Snickers in Jon and Katie's freezer.
Seriously. Mini Snickers, plus freezer equals my favorite... or at least my top 5 favorite.
I don't think I understand what favorite means.
Man, my stream of consciousness is more like one of those zig-zaggy sluices they have at the tourist trap gold/gem mining places.
I don't really know what void I'm referring to, I just wanted to say that.
Dude. I went to bed at 1 AM last night. No foolin'!
That isn't happening tonight. Tonight I have to curl my hair and paint my nails.... and cut them- (my nails, not my hairs) - They are at the too-long stage.... that and I have one super short one that will seem less short if I cut the rest of them.
Is it weird that I keep my curling iron and a mirror by my computer chair so that I can watch a TV show while I curl my hair?? It takes 45 minutes to curl if I'm watching a tv show and about 25 if I'm not. But if I'm not there is a lot of standing around staring at myself in the mirror, so really I'm being efficient with my time. You gotta respect that, even if you do think I spend too much time on my hair.
RESPECT IT!
Ok fine whatever, do what you want.
I'm a terrible disciplinarian.
I want a snack.
OK really I want a bowl of cereal...
Ok *Really* I want a bowl of frosted Rice Krispies. But I'm out.
I was going to make a comment about sugary cereal, but actually, as cereals go it's not that bad. I looked it up.
Oh Noooes! I left my Mini Snickers in Jon and Katie's freezer.
Seriously. Mini Snickers, plus freezer equals my favorite... or at least my top 5 favorite.
I don't think I understand what favorite means.
Man, my stream of consciousness is more like one of those zig-zaggy sluices they have at the tourist trap gold/gem mining places.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Graduation Lanterns
So a lot of people graduated today.
If you were one of the grads, good on you. Well done.
To celebrate graduation I finally enacted my plan for what to do with my fireplace nook.
Ok, I confess, it had nothing to do with graduation I was just out and bought some lanterns and hooks and chain.
But I went to a graduation party right after it, so that makes my lanterns graduation themed.
Pssssh-yeah. Obviously!
A special thank-you to Kara T for getting me on the idea that I could hang something *down* rather than building up to it, and to Cory for helping me figure out where in the heck it was safe to put those hooks in... (I may have made two misses before calling in reinforcements... and by "may have" I mean I did.)
Also I really need to make some more art for my place.... Lots of my art is old and I just don't have enough for all the walls, here.
How is May almost over already!?!
And in a shocking move, it's 12:30 and I think I may go to bed. I'm kinda exhausted and there is a work day at the church tomorrow morning.
If you were one of the grads, good on you. Well done.
To celebrate graduation I finally enacted my plan for what to do with my fireplace nook.
Ok, I confess, it had nothing to do with graduation I was just out and bought some lanterns and hooks and chain.
But I went to a graduation party right after it, so that makes my lanterns graduation themed.
Pssssh-yeah. Obviously!
 |
| My new lanterns... with a photo filter. Thanks, Instagram! |
 |
| The formerly barren corner of my apartment |
Also I really need to make some more art for my place.... Lots of my art is old and I just don't have enough for all the walls, here.
How is May almost over already!?!
And in a shocking move, it's 12:30 and I think I may go to bed. I'm kinda exhausted and there is a work day at the church tomorrow morning.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Accents
I started watching Dr. Who on Netflix...
and seriously, my internal monologue has gone full on British. I kinda feel a little bad for people who talk to me cause I think I'm turning on the accent a lot more often than I normally do.
OK I don't feel that bad, cause a British accent is kinda awesome. (My British GPS agrees whole heartedly with me.... Well, actually what he said was, "Apologizin'?!? For speaking understandable-like? More like ya should be apologizin' for torturin' the spoken word till now!"
He's so opinionated, that one.
I am enjoying Dr. Who. (I started on the 9th doctor, or so the internet tells me... Netflix claims it's the "first season." Bollucks, I say! How could it be the first season if it's the 9th incarnation?!)... I think I might be sad when the 10th doctor shows up... I kinda like this one... It boggles my mind that they can change out the main character and everyone is ok with this. At least I'm prepared for it.
But seriously, remember the Harry Potter movies when they considered changing out the kids, because their ages were getting so off? Remember the outcry?
Well, I do. I may have been a touch too interested in the movies, but that just means that you should trust me. They admitted to thinking about recasting the kids and everyone was like, "That's the bloomin' worst idea I've ever 'eard!"
And I was like, "Really, Everyone? The worst one? Worse than the Holocaust? Cause that was a really terrible idea.... I'd say worse than re-casting."
And then Everyone glared at me because I was being a smart alec and not letting them enjoy their hyperbole and also I wasn't talking in my British accent, even though we were discussing British things.
Ok, so that conversation only ever happened in my head. I didn't really speak to everyone... you'd probably remember it if I did.
Tomorrow I'm gonna try and find some Moroccan lanterns to hang from my ceiling above my fireplace. I've been puzzled by that space for a while now, so I'm excited to feel like I've finally had a decent idea.... though I have to admit, hanging them might be a challenge... the ceilings are really tall, and I am really not... though at least in a corner like that it shouldn't be too hard to find a stud...
There's about fifteen jokes I could make regarding that last phrase, but I won't make any of them. You can supply your favorite in your mind.
and seriously, my internal monologue has gone full on British. I kinda feel a little bad for people who talk to me cause I think I'm turning on the accent a lot more often than I normally do.
OK I don't feel that bad, cause a British accent is kinda awesome. (My British GPS agrees whole heartedly with me.... Well, actually what he said was, "Apologizin'?!? For speaking understandable-like? More like ya should be apologizin' for torturin' the spoken word till now!"
He's so opinionated, that one.
I am enjoying Dr. Who. (I started on the 9th doctor, or so the internet tells me... Netflix claims it's the "first season." Bollucks, I say! How could it be the first season if it's the 9th incarnation?!)... I think I might be sad when the 10th doctor shows up... I kinda like this one... It boggles my mind that they can change out the main character and everyone is ok with this. At least I'm prepared for it.
But seriously, remember the Harry Potter movies when they considered changing out the kids, because their ages were getting so off? Remember the outcry?
Well, I do. I may have been a touch too interested in the movies, but that just means that you should trust me. They admitted to thinking about recasting the kids and everyone was like, "That's the bloomin' worst idea I've ever 'eard!"
And I was like, "Really, Everyone? The worst one? Worse than the Holocaust? Cause that was a really terrible idea.... I'd say worse than re-casting."
And then Everyone glared at me because I was being a smart alec and not letting them enjoy their hyperbole and also I wasn't talking in my British accent, even though we were discussing British things.
Ok, so that conversation only ever happened in my head. I didn't really speak to everyone... you'd probably remember it if I did.
Tomorrow I'm gonna try and find some Moroccan lanterns to hang from my ceiling above my fireplace. I've been puzzled by that space for a while now, so I'm excited to feel like I've finally had a decent idea.... though I have to admit, hanging them might be a challenge... the ceilings are really tall, and I am really not... though at least in a corner like that it shouldn't be too hard to find a stud...
There's about fifteen jokes I could make regarding that last phrase, but I won't make any of them. You can supply your favorite in your mind.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Article Response
Someone linked an article today on facebook called "How the Teachings of Emotional Purity and Courtship Damage Healthy Relationships." That's hyper-linked if you want to check it out.
I read it and just felt a resounding, "Yes!" spring up in my heart.
I thought about just copying the link to fb and leaving it be, but then I thought about it a little more, and decided I really needed to explain myself better. Here's the thing. Every thing that I'm about to say is opinion and if you don't agree with me, that's fine. Your points are just as valid and compelling as my own. I have no clue what a "Gothard generation" is or what IBLP or ATI stand for. If Nathan were here I'd ask him, but he isn't and his explanation would likely be really long-winded anyway. :) Suffice it to say I think the website in general looks like it has an agenda/beef with someone and, as such, probably has some good things to say and some things that I don't agree with, but what I'm really looking at is the article I linked to above.
I grew up in very center of the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" time frame. It was *very* popular in the Christian circles when I was in high school, and I know a lot of "kissed dating goodbye" devotees and former devotees. And I do have to say that while I know some people who ascribed to the principals and are happily married today, I also know some people who got *really* screwed up relationally because of the book, and still don't seem to be able to figure out what love for a romantic partner looks/feels like.
I think the author of the article makes some good points and I'll let them stand on their own, but there are a few things she doesn't mention that I feel like deserve a nod or expounding upon.
First, emotional purity/ "guarding your heart" is not the same as sexual purity. I do not think you should have sex before marriage. Sometimes Christians do. I think that's a mistake, but I also think that's between you, God, and your spouse.
But emotional purity-- keeping yourself set apart so that your spouse someday can have your "whole heart." Well that's something that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Darcy makes a very valid point- that's not how the heart works. You don't have a finite amount of love that can be used up. Love is limitless. If you ask me it's one of the best ways to try and get a better understanding of the infinity of God. God is love. (1st John 4: 8b)
Love is boundless. It's actually one of the very few things that help me catch a glimpse what never-ending is. You can love someone without that diminishing your love for someone else. I can love my mother and my father and my sister and my husband and my child and none of those loves takes away from any of the others. There is always more love and always more room in your heart. The fact that I love(d) Nathan doesn't effect my ability to love someone else, someday. How ridiculous would it be to claim that because I was married and my husband died I somehow failed at being "emotionally pure."
So my spouse should have my whole heart regardless. If I'm marrying someone then I darn well better love him with my whole heart. Also, I just don't understand how you are ever supposed to *get* a spouse without letting a few potential candidates in a bit. No one wants to get hurt, but how are you supposed to know if you could marry this person, or if this person could marry you if you keep yourself apart from them with an emotional 10-foot pole between you?
It's really the last point that I really want to emphasize, though. There is no formula. There is no way to be safe from hurt. There is no guaranteed way to be happy. Different things work for different people. There's no one right way that will work for everyone- personalities are different and the "personality of the relationship" is different than the personalities of either person in the relationship. And sometimes people simply aren't who you thought they were and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.
Relationships can be messy and there isn't right way to approach them that will make them neat. So sure, sometimes kissing dating goodbye will work, but it's important to remember it's not the only way, and for some people it's a really terrible way.
Should we be smart about relationships? Yes. Should we be cautious about who we "let in?" Yes. Should we use our common sense? Yes. Should we take potential relationships seriously? Yes.
But I think the important questions for Christians are not- "Have we maintained emotional purity" or "Have we kissed dating goodbye?"
The important questions are:"Am I praying about it?" "Does it feel like God wants me to proceed a certain way?" "Am I listening to Him?"
This blog is a bit preach-y-ier than I normally get, but it's come up in so many conversations lately that I just felt like I should probably address it. I'll be getting off my soap box now.
I read it and just felt a resounding, "Yes!" spring up in my heart.
I thought about just copying the link to fb and leaving it be, but then I thought about it a little more, and decided I really needed to explain myself better. Here's the thing. Every thing that I'm about to say is opinion and if you don't agree with me, that's fine. Your points are just as valid and compelling as my own. I have no clue what a "Gothard generation" is or what IBLP or ATI stand for. If Nathan were here I'd ask him, but he isn't and his explanation would likely be really long-winded anyway. :) Suffice it to say I think the website in general looks like it has an agenda/beef with someone and, as such, probably has some good things to say and some things that I don't agree with, but what I'm really looking at is the article I linked to above.
I grew up in very center of the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" time frame. It was *very* popular in the Christian circles when I was in high school, and I know a lot of "kissed dating goodbye" devotees and former devotees. And I do have to say that while I know some people who ascribed to the principals and are happily married today, I also know some people who got *really* screwed up relationally because of the book, and still don't seem to be able to figure out what love for a romantic partner looks/feels like.
I think the author of the article makes some good points and I'll let them stand on their own, but there are a few things she doesn't mention that I feel like deserve a nod or expounding upon.
First, emotional purity/ "guarding your heart" is not the same as sexual purity. I do not think you should have sex before marriage. Sometimes Christians do. I think that's a mistake, but I also think that's between you, God, and your spouse.
But emotional purity-- keeping yourself set apart so that your spouse someday can have your "whole heart." Well that's something that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Darcy makes a very valid point- that's not how the heart works. You don't have a finite amount of love that can be used up. Love is limitless. If you ask me it's one of the best ways to try and get a better understanding of the infinity of God. God is love. (1st John 4: 8b)
Love is boundless. It's actually one of the very few things that help me catch a glimpse what never-ending is. You can love someone without that diminishing your love for someone else. I can love my mother and my father and my sister and my husband and my child and none of those loves takes away from any of the others. There is always more love and always more room in your heart. The fact that I love(d) Nathan doesn't effect my ability to love someone else, someday. How ridiculous would it be to claim that because I was married and my husband died I somehow failed at being "emotionally pure."
So my spouse should have my whole heart regardless. If I'm marrying someone then I darn well better love him with my whole heart. Also, I just don't understand how you are ever supposed to *get* a spouse without letting a few potential candidates in a bit. No one wants to get hurt, but how are you supposed to know if you could marry this person, or if this person could marry you if you keep yourself apart from them with an emotional 10-foot pole between you?
It's really the last point that I really want to emphasize, though. There is no formula. There is no way to be safe from hurt. There is no guaranteed way to be happy. Different things work for different people. There's no one right way that will work for everyone- personalities are different and the "personality of the relationship" is different than the personalities of either person in the relationship. And sometimes people simply aren't who you thought they were and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.
Relationships can be messy and there isn't right way to approach them that will make them neat. So sure, sometimes kissing dating goodbye will work, but it's important to remember it's not the only way, and for some people it's a really terrible way.
Should we be smart about relationships? Yes. Should we be cautious about who we "let in?" Yes. Should we use our common sense? Yes. Should we take potential relationships seriously? Yes.
But I think the important questions for Christians are not- "Have we maintained emotional purity" or "Have we kissed dating goodbye?"
The important questions are:"Am I praying about it?" "Does it feel like God wants me to proceed a certain way?" "Am I listening to Him?"
This blog is a bit preach-y-ier than I normally get, but it's come up in so many conversations lately that I just felt like I should probably address it. I'll be getting off my soap box now.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I have two side
I saw on some tv talk show today that they have a laser treatment that erases cellulite. (Not the fat, but the whole dimpling ripply skin yuckiness)
It's expensive but in the two years since they've started doing it no one has had the cellulite come back. Of course, no one knows any of the long term health effects from it either, but they seem to be minimal. Apparently the laser cuts the collagen that is pulling the skin down for the dimples and then melts the fat cells so they smooth out underneath the skin. There is bruising and swelling for a few weeks and you should take the day after off work, but that's basically it. How weird is that!?!
Lasers are amazing.
But we may have already known that.
OK we did. If Star Wars and Star Trek have taught us nothing else, they've taught us that lasers are awesome.
Come on. Light sabers and phasers?? Those are *so* lasers! If you put them on their lowest setting they'd probably get rid of your cellulite, too.
The other day I mentioned to a friend that when I'm working I get up and out of the house in 30 minutes (or less) and he was surprised cause I "seem like the type of girl who would have to get up at 5 AM to be somewhere at 7AM."
First, I try to avoid having to be anywhere at 7AM... that's just unhealthy. :)
Actually, it was a rather nice compliment, though I don't think he was thinking of it that way necessarily...
It would be easy to construe the comment as "You seem really high-maintenance." But Nathan always assured me that I might well be "the least high-maintenance girl ever."
So here's how I'm choosing to interpret the comment: "You are an hour and a half prettier than most girls."
I think this is a hilarious idea. I'd like to measure beauty by time.
"Sunday mornings I look one-hour while most days I just try for a fifteen-minutes."
"I have this bag since Russia." ***
Ok, I might be a little high-maintenance. Nathan was admittedly biased.
For instance, I'm not into camping. I happen to really like electricity and mattresses and indoor plumbing.
But an air mattress on the back deck? Totally. I'd love that.
Oooooh, or this. I'd go camping if it were like this:
***Oh My Goodness!!! So, a long time ago in college someone found this website for a guy who called himself "Ill Mitch" and so many jokes rose up from this website, most notedly Kara and I telling each other, "I have this bag since Russia." It was a caption on one of his pictures that we loved because (as you may be aware) Russia isn't a time. We still say this to each other from time to time. Well, I just looked him up and it's all still there... Go here, and feast your eyes on the glory of Ill Mitch. Also take a moment to listen to his most glorious of raps, "Fast and Danger"
If you can listen to the whole thing I'll be mondo impressed, but you should at least try to make it to the first "chorus."
"I have two side. One happy. One anger. You can ask a stranger. My board is fast and danger."
I'm almost sure he isn't for real... but I will say this. I think Ill Mitch and Debbie the E-Harmony Cat Girl might be soulmates.
Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
It's expensive but in the two years since they've started doing it no one has had the cellulite come back. Of course, no one knows any of the long term health effects from it either, but they seem to be minimal. Apparently the laser cuts the collagen that is pulling the skin down for the dimples and then melts the fat cells so they smooth out underneath the skin. There is bruising and swelling for a few weeks and you should take the day after off work, but that's basically it. How weird is that!?!
Lasers are amazing.
But we may have already known that.
OK we did. If Star Wars and Star Trek have taught us nothing else, they've taught us that lasers are awesome.
Come on. Light sabers and phasers?? Those are *so* lasers! If you put them on their lowest setting they'd probably get rid of your cellulite, too.
The other day I mentioned to a friend that when I'm working I get up and out of the house in 30 minutes (or less) and he was surprised cause I "seem like the type of girl who would have to get up at 5 AM to be somewhere at 7AM."
First, I try to avoid having to be anywhere at 7AM... that's just unhealthy. :)
Actually, it was a rather nice compliment, though I don't think he was thinking of it that way necessarily...
It would be easy to construe the comment as "You seem really high-maintenance." But Nathan always assured me that I might well be "the least high-maintenance girl ever."
So here's how I'm choosing to interpret the comment: "You are an hour and a half prettier than most girls."
I think this is a hilarious idea. I'd like to measure beauty by time.
"Sunday mornings I look one-hour while most days I just try for a fifteen-minutes."
"I have this bag since Russia." ***
Ok, I might be a little high-maintenance. Nathan was admittedly biased.
For instance, I'm not into camping. I happen to really like electricity and mattresses and indoor plumbing.
But an air mattress on the back deck? Totally. I'd love that.
Oooooh, or this. I'd go camping if it were like this:
***Oh My Goodness!!! So, a long time ago in college someone found this website for a guy who called himself "Ill Mitch" and so many jokes rose up from this website, most notedly Kara and I telling each other, "I have this bag since Russia." It was a caption on one of his pictures that we loved because (as you may be aware) Russia isn't a time. We still say this to each other from time to time. Well, I just looked him up and it's all still there... Go here, and feast your eyes on the glory of Ill Mitch. Also take a moment to listen to his most glorious of raps, "Fast and Danger"
If you can listen to the whole thing I'll be mondo impressed, but you should at least try to make it to the first "chorus."
"I have two side. One happy. One anger. You can ask a stranger. My board is fast and danger."
I'm almost sure he isn't for real... but I will say this. I think Ill Mitch and Debbie the E-Harmony Cat Girl might be soulmates.
Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Stiff Upper Lip
Today I was driving to Celito Lindo to have lunch with Kara. And out of nowhere I almost started to cry.
I may have mentioned before that I'm not exactly thrilled that Kara is moving halfway across the country?
In case I didn't, I'm not exactly thrilled.
Yes, they did move the timeline up a month earlier than I was expecting... but I knew this was coming. How does one form a stiffer upper lip?
(By the way, a "stiff upper lip" is called such because at some point it was determined that it's your upper lip that trembles when you are upset? Does your upper lip tremble? It's my lower lip that trembles. Crazy Brits.)
But here's the thing I was thinking about today as I held back the tears: As sucky as it is for me.... it's worse for Josh and Kara.
Ok, yes, it is technically their decision, but they really and truly believe that it's what God wants them to do. And believing that, it's what they have to do.
And they are making a lot of sacrifices to do what they think God wants.
They aren't just leaving Kara's best friend.
(Though that's a big deal, to be perfectly clear.)
They are also leaving all of their other friends.
They are leaving people they've known for more than 10 years.
They are leaving people that they trust to take care of their child.
They are leaving all their favorite restaurants, and stores, and shortcuts and neighborhoods and general familiarity with the city.
Not only that but they are leaving their parents.
"Mom and Dad" aren't going to just be a 4 hour car trip away anymore.
Kara's sister just moved closer to her and now Kara's about to move to Philadelphia.
That's a lot. That's a whole lot to give up to uncertainty and prayer.
As hard as this is on me, it's got nothing on how hard it must be on them.
So I'm going to try and do everything I can to help... perhaps I should have started by not listing off all the things they are going to miss, but I think it needs to stay, because I need to remember that I'm losing three very important people from my "everyday" but they are losing almost every important person.
So I'm going to be around when they need help with packing. And I'm going to be moral support. And I'm going to love them as much as I can while they are here, and I kinda think you should, too if you know them.
I won't stop being awesome so that it's easier to leave me.
After all, I still want to feature prominently in Kara's sermons!
But short of changing my personality, I want to be there for them as much as I can, because though it effects me tremendously, it's just not about me.
It's their adventure and I want to be the best support I can be.
I may have mentioned before that I'm not exactly thrilled that Kara is moving halfway across the country?
In case I didn't, I'm not exactly thrilled.
Yes, they did move the timeline up a month earlier than I was expecting... but I knew this was coming. How does one form a stiffer upper lip?
(By the way, a "stiff upper lip" is called such because at some point it was determined that it's your upper lip that trembles when you are upset? Does your upper lip tremble? It's my lower lip that trembles. Crazy Brits.)
But here's the thing I was thinking about today as I held back the tears: As sucky as it is for me.... it's worse for Josh and Kara.
Ok, yes, it is technically their decision, but they really and truly believe that it's what God wants them to do. And believing that, it's what they have to do.
And they are making a lot of sacrifices to do what they think God wants.
They aren't just leaving Kara's best friend.
(Though that's a big deal, to be perfectly clear.)
They are also leaving all of their other friends.
They are leaving people they've known for more than 10 years.
They are leaving people that they trust to take care of their child.
They are leaving all their favorite restaurants, and stores, and shortcuts and neighborhoods and general familiarity with the city.
Not only that but they are leaving their parents.
"Mom and Dad" aren't going to just be a 4 hour car trip away anymore.
Kara's sister just moved closer to her and now Kara's about to move to Philadelphia.
That's a lot. That's a whole lot to give up to uncertainty and prayer.
As hard as this is on me, it's got nothing on how hard it must be on them.
So I'm going to try and do everything I can to help... perhaps I should have started by not listing off all the things they are going to miss, but I think it needs to stay, because I need to remember that I'm losing three very important people from my "everyday" but they are losing almost every important person.
So I'm going to be around when they need help with packing. And I'm going to be moral support. And I'm going to love them as much as I can while they are here, and I kinda think you should, too if you know them.
I won't stop being awesome so that it's easier to leave me.
After all, I still want to feature prominently in Kara's sermons!
But short of changing my personality, I want to be there for them as much as I can, because though it effects me tremendously, it's just not about me.
It's their adventure and I want to be the best support I can be.
Awkward Turtle
My life is kinda strange sometimes.
When did I become attractive? I totally missed the memo. I mainly think I'm awkward.
And I think that because... I am.
I suppose awkward is "in" right now... but seriously, Zooey Deschanel has got nothing on me sometimes.
I feel like this is something I was supposed to figure out in high school... you know, when no one was even remotely interested.
So I missed the memo and awkward I remain.
Much like this post.
Oh come on, you know it'd been too long since I'd made a crappy jpg for you.
When did I become attractive? I totally missed the memo. I mainly think I'm awkward.
And I think that because... I am.
I suppose awkward is "in" right now... but seriously, Zooey Deschanel has got nothing on me sometimes.
I feel like this is something I was supposed to figure out in high school... you know, when no one was even remotely interested.
So I missed the memo and awkward I remain.
Much like this post.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
About Mother's Day... in a round about way.
I love blogging on Saturday night/Sunday morning, because I read all the post secrets for the week beforehand.
Today they are all about motherhood.
Surprise surprise!
Did I tell you that last Saturday night I sorta freaked out because I thought it was Mother's Day eve and I'd totally slacked off and hadn't gotten my cards?
God bless Google for reassuring me.
Man, what did they do before Google??
Right. Calendars... Good call.
Lissa's bridal/bachelorette party was tonight, and it was lots of fun. If I ever get married again, I'm doing one of those. I didn't think I wanted one on my first wedding, but now I've determined I was crazy for thinking that.
But anyway it was 50's themed and so I currently have on a slightly ridiculous amount of eye makeup, though I already took off the bright red lipstick.
Not gonna lie, bright red lipstick always makes me feel like an old lady, because I remember one time an old lady kissed me on the cheek when I was like 4 and then I had a huge lipstick print on my face. I think my mom made some comment about how old ladies wear too much lipstick as she was scrubbing my face to get it off, and apparently it's stuck because I only wear lipstick for costumes/shows. Elsewise I'm a full-on gloss girl.
So there you go. There's a mom story.
Also one time when I was little my mom had jury duty or something and Rhonda and I went with her and played with her calculator and the white deposit slips in the back of her check book.
It's apropo of nothing, except that it's a very old memory about my mom. Thanks for the deposit slips, Mom!
And when I was little I used to love laying my head in my mom's lap at church, and she would stroke my hair or play with my ears.
You see I have to tell all these nice "mom memories" I have because instead of a sweet sentimental card, I kinda sent her a Mother's day card with a swear word.
...that repeated itself 3 times.
But it was too funny to resist.
I'm a sucker for a good laugh... which might be my mom's fault anyway!
Today they are all about motherhood.
Surprise surprise!
Did I tell you that last Saturday night I sorta freaked out because I thought it was Mother's Day eve and I'd totally slacked off and hadn't gotten my cards?
God bless Google for reassuring me.
Man, what did they do before Google??
Right. Calendars... Good call.
Lissa's bridal/bachelorette party was tonight, and it was lots of fun. If I ever get married again, I'm doing one of those. I didn't think I wanted one on my first wedding, but now I've determined I was crazy for thinking that.
But anyway it was 50's themed and so I currently have on a slightly ridiculous amount of eye makeup, though I already took off the bright red lipstick.
Not gonna lie, bright red lipstick always makes me feel like an old lady, because I remember one time an old lady kissed me on the cheek when I was like 4 and then I had a huge lipstick print on my face. I think my mom made some comment about how old ladies wear too much lipstick as she was scrubbing my face to get it off, and apparently it's stuck because I only wear lipstick for costumes/shows. Elsewise I'm a full-on gloss girl.
So there you go. There's a mom story.
Also one time when I was little my mom had jury duty or something and Rhonda and I went with her and played with her calculator and the white deposit slips in the back of her check book.
It's apropo of nothing, except that it's a very old memory about my mom. Thanks for the deposit slips, Mom!
And when I was little I used to love laying my head in my mom's lap at church, and she would stroke my hair or play with my ears.
You see I have to tell all these nice "mom memories" I have because instead of a sweet sentimental card, I kinda sent her a Mother's day card with a swear word.
...that repeated itself 3 times.
But it was too funny to resist.
I'm a sucker for a good laugh... which might be my mom's fault anyway!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Myself most of all
I love my hair/ my hairstylist/ my salon. I get so many compliments about my hair these days... Like from people in beauty stores and from other hairstylists at the salon and from a random girl who works at Starbucks. It's wonderful.
Though it is weird wearing my hair straight. Maybe I should bring the straight back for a few days and add my colored extensions, just so it doesn't look so weird to me.
I don't have a lot of 50's clothes... I'm not actually surprised by this, but it does make dressing in 50's attire more difficult. (Melissa's party tomorrow is 50's themed and 50's attire is encouraged, though not required.)
Good meeting with adviser today. It went well. I like going back to school and being smart and all. I'm apparently asking intelligent questions because a few times when I asked a question his eyes lit up and he kinda pointed in the air, as though to say, "Exactly! I was just about to get to that!"
Started looking at my potential classes for the Fall. Hoping to get into a class that is already full, but I have a back up... it would be perfect though, if I could get into that class.
By the way the classes start Aug 20 for everyone who was asking.
Saw family this evening and that was great, and then got some walking/exercise in which is good, too.
Girlfriends are super helpful. I don't know if you are aware of how helpful girlfriends are, but the answer is- super helpful. Talking things out/through... It's really necessary. I don't know how I would figure anything out without them.
Cause people are confusing... myself included.
Maybe myself most of all.
Though it is weird wearing my hair straight. Maybe I should bring the straight back for a few days and add my colored extensions, just so it doesn't look so weird to me.
I don't have a lot of 50's clothes... I'm not actually surprised by this, but it does make dressing in 50's attire more difficult. (Melissa's party tomorrow is 50's themed and 50's attire is encouraged, though not required.)
Good meeting with adviser today. It went well. I like going back to school and being smart and all. I'm apparently asking intelligent questions because a few times when I asked a question his eyes lit up and he kinda pointed in the air, as though to say, "Exactly! I was just about to get to that!"
Started looking at my potential classes for the Fall. Hoping to get into a class that is already full, but I have a back up... it would be perfect though, if I could get into that class.
By the way the classes start Aug 20 for everyone who was asking.
Saw family this evening and that was great, and then got some walking/exercise in which is good, too.
Girlfriends are super helpful. I don't know if you are aware of how helpful girlfriends are, but the answer is- super helpful. Talking things out/through... It's really necessary. I don't know how I would figure anything out without them.
Cause people are confusing... myself included.
Maybe myself most of all.
Friday, May 11, 2012
ARE YOU ASKING FOR A CHALLLLLLANGE?!
Tomorrow I get my hair done, meet my graduate advisor, and have dinner with family. It's going to be a busy day.
So to prepare for this busy day I stayed up until 3 hanging out with Kara and Melissa, though Melissa left at like 12:30 or something.
Kara didn't leave at 12:30, but she did make fun of me a lot for being excited about chairs.
Darn skippy that's a non sequitur. It's late and non sequiturs are cool when it's late!
Yes, I will explain what I meant though, cause I think your face is cute.
The other day I linked to a "Cracked" article on facebook.
This "Cracked" article to be exact.
When I linked to the article I said that my favorite is #8 "France's Mission Impossible Fun Team." Melissa and Kara hadn't read it so I was trying to explain how amazing this group of people is.
And I may have said, "They broke into this government building a whole bunch of times and set up a super awesome workshop with a whole bunch of high tech tools... and chairs!"
(They were doing all this to fix a big old historic clock which I think is awesome. It's very Robin Hood of them...)
ANYWAY- Kara picked up on the fact that I said what made this workshop awesome was that they had chairs and she didn't let it go
Come to think of it, it really turned into a "money can't buy knives" Surf Ninja moment.
There was no way to shut the chattering monkey up.
I mean she probably would have if she could have just sat down, but my apartment just isn't that high tech and awesome.
Also-- the end of the story? Someone high up in the government got so mad that they broke in to restore/ fix this old clock that he/she broke it again by removing a crucial one-of-a-kind component, and locking it up.
Which begs two questions,
1) Who is that bitter that they chose to re-break a clock just because they didn't like how it was fixed
and 2) Aren't you just asking for them to pull off an Ocean's 11 style clock-part-heist??
So to prepare for this busy day I stayed up until 3 hanging out with Kara and Melissa, though Melissa left at like 12:30 or something.
Kara didn't leave at 12:30, but she did make fun of me a lot for being excited about chairs.
Darn skippy that's a non sequitur. It's late and non sequiturs are cool when it's late!
Yes, I will explain what I meant though, cause I think your face is cute.
The other day I linked to a "Cracked" article on facebook.
This "Cracked" article to be exact.
When I linked to the article I said that my favorite is #8 "France's Mission Impossible Fun Team." Melissa and Kara hadn't read it so I was trying to explain how amazing this group of people is.
And I may have said, "They broke into this government building a whole bunch of times and set up a super awesome workshop with a whole bunch of high tech tools... and chairs!"
(They were doing all this to fix a big old historic clock which I think is awesome. It's very Robin Hood of them...)
ANYWAY- Kara picked up on the fact that I said what made this workshop awesome was that they had chairs and she didn't let it go
Come to think of it, it really turned into a "money can't buy knives" Surf Ninja moment.
There was no way to shut the chattering monkey up.
I mean she probably would have if she could have just sat down, but my apartment just isn't that high tech and awesome.
Also-- the end of the story? Someone high up in the government got so mad that they broke in to restore/ fix this old clock that he/she broke it again by removing a crucial one-of-a-kind component, and locking it up.
Which begs two questions,
1) Who is that bitter that they chose to re-break a clock just because they didn't like how it was fixed
and 2) Aren't you just asking for them to pull off an Ocean's 11 style clock-part-heist??
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Fun with Font Sizes
Productive day-- but it's always a productive day when you get gift AND grocery shopping done, do laundry, and do dishes.
Why are you looking at me like that?
What!?!
:|
Fine.
Yes, I bought some nail polish. But only one bottle!! And it's nothing like any other kind I have.
Go to this blog if you want to see what it looks like... and please note when you do that there are people in this world who love nail polish far far more than I do, so obviously I'm not the crazy one in this relationship.
How gorgeous was it outside today, huh?
Dang it!! Stop staring at me!
Fine, ok, yes, I also bought some shirts while I was at Kohl's. But they were both 50% off!
And you know what? I *didn't* buy a swimsuit that would be absolutely no use to me since I cannot swim. That's right. I didn't buy it despite the fact that it looked super cute on me and let's just not get into why I even tried it on in the first place.
Let's just focus on how I didn't buy a super duper cute swimsuit and not the fact that I had Starbucks twice today...
The second time only cost 2 dollars though! That's something, right?
: |
I can feel you judging me, right now. I can *feel* it.
Why are you looking at me like that?
What!?!
:|
Fine.
Yes, I bought some nail polish. But only one bottle!! And it's nothing like any other kind I have.
Go to this blog if you want to see what it looks like... and please note when you do that there are people in this world who love nail polish far far more than I do, so obviously I'm not the crazy one in this relationship.
How gorgeous was it outside today, huh?
Dang it!! Stop staring at me!
Fine, ok, yes, I also bought some shirts while I was at Kohl's. But they were both 50% off!
And you know what? I *didn't* buy a swimsuit that would be absolutely no use to me since I cannot swim. That's right. I didn't buy it despite the fact that it looked super cute on me and let's just not get into why I even tried it on in the first place.
Let's just focus on how I didn't buy a super duper cute swimsuit and not the fact that I had Starbucks twice today...
The second time only cost 2 dollars though! That's something, right?
: |
I can feel you judging me, right now. I can *feel* it.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I'm in
Last night I had my standard college dream. At least once a year (usually a few days before classes started) I would dream that I was in school and it was the end of the semester and I suddenly discovered classes that I'd been skipping because heretofore I'd forgotten of their existence.
Every year.
It was really hard for my poor little rules-bound self to handle. Talk about stress!
I had this dream last night and I woke up and complained to facebook about it.
Then I checked my mail this evening and guess what was waiting for me?
My acceptance letter.
You are now reading the blog of a MA in Creative Writing. Or, as I like to refer to myself now, a master in the making.
Ok I referred to myself as such one time.
But you gotta admit it has a ring to it, right?
Sure it's not the most prestigious school ever. Sure it's not the most amazing thing anyone has ever done.
But it's a big deal to me, because it feels like my life is getting kick-started again. Things that had gone awry are finally getting back on track, and it just feels so good to hear the click click click of the wheels finding the track again.
Jeremiah 29:11 " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Every year.
It was really hard for my poor little rules-bound self to handle. Talk about stress!
I had this dream last night and I woke up and complained to facebook about it.
Then I checked my mail this evening and guess what was waiting for me?
My acceptance letter.
You are now reading the blog of a MA in Creative Writing. Or, as I like to refer to myself now, a master in the making.
Ok I referred to myself as such one time.
But you gotta admit it has a ring to it, right?
Sure it's not the most prestigious school ever. Sure it's not the most amazing thing anyone has ever done.
But it's a big deal to me, because it feels like my life is getting kick-started again. Things that had gone awry are finally getting back on track, and it just feels so good to hear the click click click of the wheels finding the track again.
Jeremiah 29:11 " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Monday, May 7, 2012
Wand and House
So last Wednesday we had writing group and somehow got on the subject of Harry Potter houses.
And one of the boys brought up Pottermore.
And I thought, "Yeah, Pottermore. I should check that out."
So I did.
My wand is Cedar and Unicorn Hair, 11 inches, Pliant
Here's what they have to say about that
The unicorn hair core:
Also I discovered I'm in Ravenclaw-- I've long suspected such. The prefect message that welcomed me told me, "Well done on becoming a member of the cleverest, quirkiest and most interesting house at Hogwarts."
Yes, my favorite descriptor word of myself *is* quirky.
As a demonstration of my "perspicacity and perception," tonight I was talking to someone (keep in mind this was before I got my wand and my house assignment.) He said, "I watched some old cartoons on Netflix." and I responded, "What cartoons? If you say ReBoot, 500 points to Ravenclaw."
Yeah he was totally watching ReBoot.
Brains or just eerily talented? You be the judge.
And one of the boys brought up Pottermore.
And I thought, "Yeah, Pottermore. I should check that out."
So I did.
My wand is Cedar and Unicorn Hair, 11 inches, Pliant
Here's what they have to say about that
The unicorn hair core:
Unicorn hair generally produces the most consistent magic, and is least subject to fluctuations and blockages. Wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. They are the most faithful of all wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner, irrespective of whether he or she was an accomplished witch or wizard.And here's what they have to say about the cedar encasement: (which I was pleased about just because I love the smell.)
Minor disadvantages of unicorn hair are that they do not make the most powerful wands (although the wand wood may compensate) and that they are prone to melancholy if seriously mishandled, meaning that the hair may 'die' and need replacing.
Whenever I meet one who carries a cedar wand, I find strength of character and unusual loyalty. My father, Gervaise Ollivander, used always to say, ‘you will never fool the cedar carrier,’ and I agree: the cedar wand finds its perfect home where there is perspicacity and perception. I would go further than my father, however, in saying that I have never yet met the owner of a cedar wand whom I would care to cross, especially if harm is done to those of whom they are fond. The witch or wizard who is well-matched with cedar carries the potential to be a frightening adversary, which often comes as a shock to those who have thoughtlessly challenged them.Dude... that's actually a highly impressive summation of my character.
Also I discovered I'm in Ravenclaw-- I've long suspected such. The prefect message that welcomed me told me, "Well done on becoming a member of the cleverest, quirkiest and most interesting house at Hogwarts."
Yes, my favorite descriptor word of myself *is* quirky.
As a demonstration of my "perspicacity and perception," tonight I was talking to someone (keep in mind this was before I got my wand and my house assignment.) He said, "I watched some old cartoons on Netflix." and I responded, "What cartoons? If you say ReBoot, 500 points to Ravenclaw."
Yeah he was totally watching ReBoot.
Brains or just eerily talented? You be the judge.
Shallow
If you could see my Spotify account you would be amazed at how many times I've listened to the Maroon 5 "Payphone" song.
A-mazed
I'm really tired.
The rain is trying to lull me to sleep...
Plus it was a big day... full of lots of events and thoughts and conversations...
And I looked really great this morning at church, and honestly, that can be pretty exhausting.
*L* yeah I did just say that... apparently being super sleepy makes me not so humble.
but my legs were shaved, so I could wear a dress... and you know you gotta wear a dress when you can.
Can I get an amen, girls?!
I know men have to shave their face everyday if they want to be clean shaven but girls definitely got the ridiculous part of the hair fashion.
Why do my legs have to be hairless for them to be attractive??
I don't know, but I buy into it just as much as anyone else. If I had unlimited funds I'd be laser hair removing my legs. Before lipo, before getting lasik, before travelling for 3 months in Europe, I'd do laser hair removal on my legs. I hate shaving-- I never actually get it all.
I swear I'm not as shallow as this post makes me sound.
It's the rain. Rain makes people sound shallow.
Shallow Sound is going to be the name of my Enya cover band.
You know I'm a genius.
A-mazed
I'm really tired.
The rain is trying to lull me to sleep...
Plus it was a big day... full of lots of events and thoughts and conversations...
And I looked really great this morning at church, and honestly, that can be pretty exhausting.
*L* yeah I did just say that... apparently being super sleepy makes me not so humble.
but my legs were shaved, so I could wear a dress... and you know you gotta wear a dress when you can.
Can I get an amen, girls?!
I know men have to shave their face everyday if they want to be clean shaven but girls definitely got the ridiculous part of the hair fashion.
Why do my legs have to be hairless for them to be attractive??
I don't know, but I buy into it just as much as anyone else. If I had unlimited funds I'd be laser hair removing my legs. Before lipo, before getting lasik, before travelling for 3 months in Europe, I'd do laser hair removal on my legs. I hate shaving-- I never actually get it all.
I swear I'm not as shallow as this post makes me sound.
It's the rain. Rain makes people sound shallow.
Shallow Sound is going to be the name of my Enya cover band.
You know I'm a genius.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
A Metatarsal Miracle
So today I dropped a tool box on my foot.
Ok, to be fair I didn't drop it. The handle broke, and it fell on my foot.
That's the toolbox.
Here's the thing- that behemoth is full... I can barely pick it up, and I had just gotten it to the height of my hand standing straight up when the handle broke.
It fell on my first metatarsal bone (Yeah, I just looked that word up- here's a diagram!)
So it fell about 2 feet (I measured) onto my foot and then bounced off of it.
Bounced off.
Like it hit a flippin' trampoline made of foot.
I would weigh the tool box but I'm a little afraid to pick it up now and unsure if I even could get it on the scale.
So it fell and bounced off and I just stood there in shock and then it started hurting like crazy and I hobbled to my couch where I laid down and put my foot up on the back and tried not to cry.
I managed not to cry, but I was sure I'd broken it. I could see a bruise forming immediately and it hurt like the dickens.
So I laid there in my hurt and pondered what I would do if I actually had broken it and wondered how I'd drive because it was my right foot, and where the closest painkillers were.
But then the pain started lessening (without medication.)
And by then I was bored laying on the couch so I decided to take my chances and I stood up gingerly... and it was ok.
And then I made lunch and it was ok.
And then I went upstairs and the first step hurt a little, but then it was ok.
And that bruise that I saw start forming immediately?
It never got any worse.
Seriously, I'm pretty sure none of you know my feet well enough to even be able to recognize the bruise. It's the line below my big toe that sorta looks like a shadow. It's not a shadow, that's the line of where my 1st metatarsal (multiple uses means you remember it better!) bone is that got smashed when the tool box came crashing down.
It might be a bit ridiculous to say, but it sorta feels like a miracle.
A metatarsal miracle.
My massage therapist friend was over tonight and I showed her the box and had her try to pick it up and she said she didn't understand how my foot wasn't shattered.
Interesting fact I learned today- I only yell out in pain if there is someone to hear it. Apparently yelling for me is about attention, not releasing any sort of emotion.
I didn't know that. I've always yelled when I hurt myself... but I'm nearly always near someone.
But today, I was alone and I just whimpered.
I tell you what. I'm built "farm tough."
Didn't mean to rhyme there... Consider that a freebie from me to you.
You know, since you normally pay per rhyme on my blog. ;)
Ok, to be fair I didn't drop it. The handle broke, and it fell on my foot.
 |
| To give you a bit of perspective, that's the handle of a large rolling cooler next to it. |
Here's the thing- that behemoth is full... I can barely pick it up, and I had just gotten it to the height of my hand standing straight up when the handle broke.
It fell on my first metatarsal bone (Yeah, I just looked that word up- here's a diagram!)
So it fell about 2 feet (I measured) onto my foot and then bounced off of it.
Bounced off.
Like it hit a flippin' trampoline made of foot.
I would weigh the tool box but I'm a little afraid to pick it up now and unsure if I even could get it on the scale.
So it fell and bounced off and I just stood there in shock and then it started hurting like crazy and I hobbled to my couch where I laid down and put my foot up on the back and tried not to cry.
I managed not to cry, but I was sure I'd broken it. I could see a bruise forming immediately and it hurt like the dickens.
So I laid there in my hurt and pondered what I would do if I actually had broken it and wondered how I'd drive because it was my right foot, and where the closest painkillers were.
But then the pain started lessening (without medication.)
And by then I was bored laying on the couch so I decided to take my chances and I stood up gingerly... and it was ok.
And then I made lunch and it was ok.
And then I went upstairs and the first step hurt a little, but then it was ok.
And that bruise that I saw start forming immediately?
It never got any worse.
 |
| A foot model I will never be. |
It might be a bit ridiculous to say, but it sorta feels like a miracle.
A metatarsal miracle.
My massage therapist friend was over tonight and I showed her the box and had her try to pick it up and she said she didn't understand how my foot wasn't shattered.
Interesting fact I learned today- I only yell out in pain if there is someone to hear it. Apparently yelling for me is about attention, not releasing any sort of emotion.
I didn't know that. I've always yelled when I hurt myself... but I'm nearly always near someone.
But today, I was alone and I just whimpered.
I tell you what. I'm built "farm tough."
Didn't mean to rhyme there... Consider that a freebie from me to you.
You know, since you normally pay per rhyme on my blog. ;)
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Coming out of denial
It may be the country music I'm listening to.
Or it may just be that my brain is trying to mentally prepare myself,
but I'm finally starting to come out of denial that my best friend is moving halfway across the country from me.
Don't get me wrong, I want them to do it because I know it's what's best for them, and they are following God's plan.
And I know it's not like it used to be in the pioneer days when the trip from Pennsylvania to Missouri was a once in a lifetime sojurn...
but it's not here in the very same town.
It's not even in the same state.
God's provided me with lots of friends... even lots of close friends, especially since Nathan has gone.
But there is only one Kara.
And I know this is the way that it has to be, because it's almost impossible for anyone to break into the Karanae fortress. (including our poor husbands)
But I don't want her to leave.
Who am I supposed to stay up late with and act like we're drunk but never touch alcohol?
Who am I supposed to call crying in the middle of the night and she will rush over with ice cream? (I've never actually done this, but if it was an emergency I know I could.)
Who am I supposed to make white cakes with white icing for and buy Pepsi for?
I know, I know, she's not dying. She'll still be my friend. We'll be able to skype and phone and text... and when the time comes we'll both suck it up and deal because we know it's for the best.
But that doesn't mean that there won't be a huge hole in my life.
Or that I'm ready for it.
Or it may just be that my brain is trying to mentally prepare myself,
but I'm finally starting to come out of denial that my best friend is moving halfway across the country from me.
Don't get me wrong, I want them to do it because I know it's what's best for them, and they are following God's plan.
And I know it's not like it used to be in the pioneer days when the trip from Pennsylvania to Missouri was a once in a lifetime sojurn...
but it's not here in the very same town.
It's not even in the same state.
God's provided me with lots of friends... even lots of close friends, especially since Nathan has gone.
But there is only one Kara.
And I know this is the way that it has to be, because it's almost impossible for anyone to break into the Karanae fortress. (including our poor husbands)
But I don't want her to leave.
Who am I supposed to stay up late with and act like we're drunk but never touch alcohol?
Who am I supposed to call crying in the middle of the night and she will rush over with ice cream? (I've never actually done this, but if it was an emergency I know I could.)
Who am I supposed to make white cakes with white icing for and buy Pepsi for?
I know, I know, she's not dying. She'll still be my friend. We'll be able to skype and phone and text... and when the time comes we'll both suck it up and deal because we know it's for the best.
But that doesn't mean that there won't be a huge hole in my life.
Or that I'm ready for it.
"Ten minutes isn't very long to say an eternal farewell in," said Anne tearfully. "Oh, Diana, will you promise faithfully never to forget me, the friend of your youth, no matter what dearer friends may caress thee?"(excerpt from Chapter XVII of Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery)
"Indeed I will," sobbed Diana, "and I'll never have another bosom friend--I don't want to have. I couldn't love anybody as I love you."
"Oh, Diana," cried Anne, clasping her hands, "do you love me?"
"Why, of course I do. Didn't you know that?"
"No." Anne drew a long breath. "I thought you liked me of course but I never hoped you loved me. Why, Diana, I didn't think anybody could love me. Nobody ever has loved me since I can remember. Oh, this is wonderful! It's a ray of light which will forever shine on the darkness of a path severed from thee, Diana. Oh, just say it once again."
"I love you devotedly, Anne," said Diana stanchly, "and I always will, you may be sure of that."
"And I will always love thee, Diana," said Anne, solemnly extending her hand. "In the years to come thy memory will shine like a star over my lonely life, as that last story we read together says. Diana, wilt thou give me a lock of thy jet-black tresses in parting to treasure forevermore?"
"Have you got anything to cut it with?" queried Diana, wiping away the tears which Anne's affecting accents had caused to flow afresh, and returning to practicalities.
"Yes. I've got my patchwork scissors in my apron pocket fortunately," said Anne. She solemnly clipped one of Diana's curls. "Fare thee well, my beloved friend. Henceforth we must be as strangers though living side by side. But my heart will ever be faithful to thee."
Anne stood and watched Diana out of sight, mournfully waving her hand to the latter whenever she turned to look back. Then she returned to the house, not a little consoled for the time being by this romantic parting.
"It is all over," she informed Marilla. "I shall never have another friend. I'm really worse off than ever before, for I haven't Katie Maurice and Violetta now. And even if I had it wouldn't be the same. Somehow, little dream girls are not satisfying after a real friend. Diana and I had such an affecting farewell down by the spring. It will be sacred in my memory forever. I used the most pathetic language I could think of and said `thou' and `thee.' `Thou' and `thee' seem so much more romantic than `you.' Diana gave me a lock of her hair and I'm going to sew it up in a little bag and wear it around my neck all my life. Please see that it is buried with me, for I don't believe I'll live very long. Perhaps when she sees me lying cold and dead before her Mrs. Barry may feel remorse for what she has done and will let Diana come to my funeral."
Friday, May 4, 2012
EIG
You know what's rather difficult? Trying to write a character who uses slightly dated slang from a country that you've never gone to. Anyone wanna go to Ireland with me??
In other news my tattoo is pretty well done peeling and it's only been a week... but from what I read the lower levels aren't quite finished healing yet. But it also might be healing so quickly because it's relatively simple, too. (All I know about tattoo healing I learned from the internet.)
I just revised my most recent chapter a lot today, so I have nothing to say- it's all boring.
I was actually up and out of my apartment by 9AM today. Crazy! This is not normal
I'm kinda bummed, cause I thought I was getting my hair cut tomorrow, but sadly that's not till next weekend. Darn.
See what I mean? Buh-oring.
Can someone tell me why when I look at my legs in my house they don't seem nearly as white as they do when I go into public with them?
What's that you say?
Artificial lighting, you say?
Bah humbug. I blame evil invisible gremlins who paint my legs a ghostly shade of pale.
Actually I think evil invisible gremlins might be the cause of all such first world tragedies in this life. Milk that's gone bad? EIG. Internet won't work? EIG. Really tired at 3PM at work? EIG!
Well, I'll show them. I'll get a a fake tan before Lissa's wedding. EIG tend to run away when you cover your body in temporary dye... because if they got it on them they'd turn into evil visible gremlins, and where's the fun in that?
In other news my tattoo is pretty well done peeling and it's only been a week... but from what I read the lower levels aren't quite finished healing yet. But it also might be healing so quickly because it's relatively simple, too. (All I know about tattoo healing I learned from the internet.)
I just revised my most recent chapter a lot today, so I have nothing to say- it's all boring.
I was actually up and out of my apartment by 9AM today. Crazy! This is not normal
I'm kinda bummed, cause I thought I was getting my hair cut tomorrow, but sadly that's not till next weekend. Darn.
See what I mean? Buh-oring.
Can someone tell me why when I look at my legs in my house they don't seem nearly as white as they do when I go into public with them?
What's that you say?
Artificial lighting, you say?
Bah humbug. I blame evil invisible gremlins who paint my legs a ghostly shade of pale.
Actually I think evil invisible gremlins might be the cause of all such first world tragedies in this life. Milk that's gone bad? EIG. Internet won't work? EIG. Really tired at 3PM at work? EIG!
Well, I'll show them. I'll get a a fake tan before Lissa's wedding. EIG tend to run away when you cover your body in temporary dye... because if they got it on them they'd turn into evil visible gremlins, and where's the fun in that?
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Words
I've thought of some things I should have labeled the deer post-- or at least I've come up with words that I should have used in said post.
Deeraclysm
Deerpocalypse
Deermagedon
Bambtastrophe
Doebacle
I know.. totally genius, but totally too late. Alas.
So something I was thinking about today after my writing critique.
A lot of times when I'm writing I put escape hatches into my writing/characters. Like I will write something really cheesy and then have the character think that it's really cheesy (as if, I, the author am saying, "See! I know it's cheesy! I'm totally aware!")
But the characters actually read more the way I want them to, if they *don't* have the escape hatches.
aka, noone was thinking it was too cheesy until you said it was and then they notice it.
I think this is probably a lesson I should apply to life as well as to writing.
Oh and PS I got my GRE scores in the mail.
I think it's because I complained about it on my blog yesterday. I'm in the 96th percentile for verbal- which is awesome. I didn't do as well in the other sections, and my high school self would have been appalled... but I try to remind high school me that I hadn't used those math skills since she was me and I only studied for a week. I'm in the 61st percentile for Quantitative (Math) and my writing sample was in the 72nd percentile. I'd be more concerned about that last one, but having 30 minutes to write and put together a cohesive argument is completely ridiculous in my humble opinion.
Also,
Deervastation!
Putting that 96th percentile to good use, here folks.
Deeraclysm
Deerpocalypse
Deermagedon
Bambtastrophe
Doebacle
I know.. totally genius, but totally too late. Alas.
So something I was thinking about today after my writing critique.
A lot of times when I'm writing I put escape hatches into my writing/characters. Like I will write something really cheesy and then have the character think that it's really cheesy (as if, I, the author am saying, "See! I know it's cheesy! I'm totally aware!")
But the characters actually read more the way I want them to, if they *don't* have the escape hatches.
aka, noone was thinking it was too cheesy until you said it was and then they notice it.
I think this is probably a lesson I should apply to life as well as to writing.
Oh and PS I got my GRE scores in the mail.
I think it's because I complained about it on my blog yesterday. I'm in the 96th percentile for verbal- which is awesome. I didn't do as well in the other sections, and my high school self would have been appalled... but I try to remind high school me that I hadn't used those math skills since she was me and I only studied for a week. I'm in the 61st percentile for Quantitative (Math) and my writing sample was in the 72nd percentile. I'd be more concerned about that last one, but having 30 minutes to write and put together a cohesive argument is completely ridiculous in my humble opinion.
Also,
Deervastation!
Putting that 96th percentile to good use, here folks.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Things are happening
I was writing an e-mail to a friend today, and started listing off all the things that happened in April.
It's a large list.
You know what I didn't do in April? Eat mint choc chip ice cream.
A tragedy I'm currently preventing for the month of May.
Everyone has to do their part, you know?
But seriously I could do with May having a few less major happenings. I mean, obviously there is Bill and Melissa's wedding, but other than that how about we settle for being accepted to grad school, getting a GA-ship and of course I'm always open to princes appearing on white horses... or limos if that's how he rolls.
Get it? I'm so punny.
So at long last I've been given permission to let the world know. (And by "the world" I mean you , because you are reading my blog.)
My sister is having another baby!
Baby Houf is due in Nov. And Rhonda and Isaac don't find out gender cause they are old school like that. Sadly this just means I have to wait until November to buy adorable gender-specific baby clothes.
There is a little twinge of the bitter mixed in with the sweet. Nathan loved being an uncle. I'm sad he won't be here to be terrified of holding the baby.... But I like to think that maybe he'll get to meet the baby before I do, this way.
It's a large list.
- I was laid off.
- I applied for grad school
- I studied for the GRE
- I took the GRE
- I aced the GRE (Ok not really, still waiting for the confirmed scores.)
- I got a tattoo
- I threw a bridal shower
- I went home to see family one weekend
- I went to KC another.
You know what I didn't do in April? Eat mint choc chip ice cream.
A tragedy I'm currently preventing for the month of May.
Everyone has to do their part, you know?
But seriously I could do with May having a few less major happenings. I mean, obviously there is Bill and Melissa's wedding, but other than that how about we settle for being accepted to grad school, getting a GA-ship and of course I'm always open to princes appearing on white horses... or limos if that's how he rolls.
Get it? I'm so punny.
So at long last I've been given permission to let the world know. (And by "the world" I mean you , because you are reading my blog.)
My sister is having another baby!
 |
| These children are almost adults. We need an infusion of baby! |
Baby Houf is due in Nov. And Rhonda and Isaac don't find out gender cause they are old school like that. Sadly this just means I have to wait until November to buy adorable gender-specific baby clothes.
There is a little twinge of the bitter mixed in with the sweet. Nathan loved being an uncle. I'm sad he won't be here to be terrified of holding the baby.... But I like to think that maybe he'll get to meet the baby before I do, this way.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Great Big Googly Eyes
I'm enjoying tonight's storm. I said on facebook that 3 AM thunder feels like a secret. So does 4 AM and 5AM thunder.
Yep, almost 5 AM.... It's like I'm my own sleep experiment.
My toe hurts. It got smashed by my video game trunk jumping out in front of it early last week and then this weekend when I was moving a train of chairs for the shower, there was a multi chair-car pileup right in front of my foot and it couldn't swerve in time so they collided. Same toe. Neither the trunk nor the chair-train apologized, either
Can you sprain a toe? Cause I'm pretty sure I did.
If it were broken it would be bright purple and 4 times it's normal size, right?
Unexpected tattoo annoyance- the area around my tattoo is breaking out because of the lotion that I have to keep putting on it to help it heal properly. I'm not normally dry skinned, so this might be the first time a lotion besides suntan lotion has ever been on my shoulder, and it doesn't like it. Luckily the tattoo is doing really well and some of the scabbing is already coming off, so I'm hoping I won't have to lotion it up for the 2 weeks that they told me I should.
Sorry, scab is a really gross word. I think it might be my "moist."
Did you know that they have a camera at the Starbucks drive through and they can see you while you are ordering? It's true. Makes me think they probably have cameras at all sorts of drive-throughs that we don't realize. Creepy right??
Big brother is watching.
Though honestly, I think I prefer Big Brother to Big Bird. Can you imagine looking out your window and seeing those great big googly eyes?
Just about makes me want to head for the hills.
Yep, almost 5 AM.... It's like I'm my own sleep experiment.
My toe hurts. It got smashed by my video game trunk jumping out in front of it early last week and then this weekend when I was moving a train of chairs for the shower, there was a multi chair-car pileup right in front of my foot and it couldn't swerve in time so they collided. Same toe. Neither the trunk nor the chair-train apologized, either
Can you sprain a toe? Cause I'm pretty sure I did.
If it were broken it would be bright purple and 4 times it's normal size, right?
Unexpected tattoo annoyance- the area around my tattoo is breaking out because of the lotion that I have to keep putting on it to help it heal properly. I'm not normally dry skinned, so this might be the first time a lotion besides suntan lotion has ever been on my shoulder, and it doesn't like it. Luckily the tattoo is doing really well and some of the scabbing is already coming off, so I'm hoping I won't have to lotion it up for the 2 weeks that they told me I should.
Sorry, scab is a really gross word. I think it might be my "moist."
Did you know that they have a camera at the Starbucks drive through and they can see you while you are ordering? It's true. Makes me think they probably have cameras at all sorts of drive-throughs that we don't realize. Creepy right??
Big brother is watching.
Though honestly, I think I prefer Big Brother to Big Bird. Can you imagine looking out your window and seeing those great big googly eyes?
Just about makes me want to head for the hills.
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