I actually watched American Idol tonight... It was really good. It's hard to screw up Sir Elton, I think.... I found myself inexplicably attracted to the bearded one (I'm not a fan of facial hair, generally) but I think it's just cause he was singing "Your Song" and looking straight into the camera. I love me a singin' boy. Especially one who tells me that this is my song.
Made steak tonight-- Too much steak for one girl... but I guess steak leftovers aren't such a travesty, at least not in the grand scheme of things.
Did I ever tell you about how much I loved unicorns when I was a little girl?? I know I'm so sterotypical.. Unicorns and rainbows.... literally. Well, I have a picture up on the wall of my office.... It's a foil print... Do you know what that means? It's a piece of foil that's been printed with lots of special methods to reflect light in different ways... it's honestly very cool. It's much cooler to look at than I am describing, I think. Mine is mounted on a piece of wood and hanging on my wall... and even though it's super cheesy, I still love it. It has a fair maiden, a unicorn, a smallish dragon, a tree with a face in the bark, and a castle in the distance... it's like every great fantasy book made into a picture.... ok not every great fantasy book-- there are no hobbits. But often when I'm sitting here trying to come up with what to say, I stare at that picture... It looks like a lovely place, where all the problems are as difficult as killing the bad guy with a magical sword... I could handle that... There is no cancer in books where the most likely cause of death is magic or sword.
And everyone lives happily ever after.
I want my happily ever after back.
I'd post a link to a you tube video of "Ever, ever after" from the end of Enchanted, but it's country and perhaps a little too perky for my tastes/day....
But I will share this- cause Kara told me to and I'm easily bossed.
I think my favorite moment comes at 3:10... That little monkey really is saying those things!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
2 months
2 months.
Got some news today that made me gasp and then immediately cry.
I'll be walking for Nathan on May 13th and accepting his posthumous Masters.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Got some news today that made me gasp and then immediately cry.
I'll be walking for Nathan on May 13th and accepting his posthumous Masters.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
It's Not Easy
I try to make it look easy, you know?
I want people to think I'm doing ok, because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable around me.
And I think there is a lot of truth to the "act the way you want to be" philosophy.... I do feel better if I get dressed up nicely... I do feel better if I pay attention to my makeup. I do feel better if I hang out with a lot of people and don't think about anything but the moment I am in.
But sometimes it's 2:30 in the morning and I just want my husband. I just want to hear him tell me that everything is ok. I just want to talk about how much this sucks.
I don't know how to share my burden without becoming someone else's burden.
A friend told me last week that it wasn't my responsibility to pick up all the pieces that Nathan left behind. It made me cry, because I know it's what I'm trying to do...... but I still want to. I want to get it all together and I want for everyone to tell me that I'm incredible and inspiring. I want to be a person that strong... a person worthy of that kind of admiration... but I'm not sure it's even possible to pick up the pieces he left behind... I'm not even sure it's possible to hold together the pieces of myself... at least not tonight.
I wish it was as easy as I try to make it look.
I wish I had an invisible dragon with the head of a camel, who would hang out with me all the time, protect me, and listen to all my problems... at least until they were all solved and he had to go help out someone else.
Plus, I think I could always win at tic-tac-toe.
I want people to think I'm doing ok, because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable around me.
And I think there is a lot of truth to the "act the way you want to be" philosophy.... I do feel better if I get dressed up nicely... I do feel better if I pay attention to my makeup. I do feel better if I hang out with a lot of people and don't think about anything but the moment I am in.
But sometimes it's 2:30 in the morning and I just want my husband. I just want to hear him tell me that everything is ok. I just want to talk about how much this sucks.
I don't know how to share my burden without becoming someone else's burden.
A friend told me last week that it wasn't my responsibility to pick up all the pieces that Nathan left behind. It made me cry, because I know it's what I'm trying to do...... but I still want to. I want to get it all together and I want for everyone to tell me that I'm incredible and inspiring. I want to be a person that strong... a person worthy of that kind of admiration... but I'm not sure it's even possible to pick up the pieces he left behind... I'm not even sure it's possible to hold together the pieces of myself... at least not tonight.
I wish it was as easy as I try to make it look.
I wish I had an invisible dragon with the head of a camel, who would hang out with me all the time, protect me, and listen to all my problems... at least until they were all solved and he had to go help out someone else.
Plus, I think I could always win at tic-tac-toe.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Picture post
This is a post with many pictures included.. These are all on Facebook, but I can only assume that you want to hear about them on my blog as well... Cause these are the important ones.
First, this one... this is all of the paper that Nathan and I had laying around the house that dealt with cancer, treatments, and bone marrow transplants. Yes, I went through it all and checked for confidential information and shredded it... this is just the other stuff.
This is only 5 days worth of pills that Nathan took the last week at home... It doesn't include an oil that he took 4 times a day, a hormone injection that was once a week (changed from a daily patch), the insulin that he took at least 3 times a day, and the pain pills (also not pictured)... and he could take about 40 pain pills a day, if he'd taken them all exactly when he could.
A friend posted this on facebook today. That link more than anything else makes me ask why.... Why couldn't this have happened to us 10 years from now? Why him? Why now? It's a bad idea to go down that road.
Abrupt subject change!
This is my new living room! I actually think it looks better in person, but since you probably live too far away from me, or have other sundry reasons for not visiting me, I shall give you a narrated tour. Here you can see pretty much the entire living room. I'm probably going to be moving the blue and red paintings in the upper right to further down the wall, closer to the shelves, but I'm gonna live with it for a few days to make sure I want to go to the effort.
Here is a better view of a few things-- 1) My genius placemat pillows (The ones with flowers on them.) and the art and Roman shades I made several years ago. Please note that those shades were actually made for the windows in my room at home.. about 6 years ago... Gosh I don't feel old enough to say that I made something 6 years ago...and 6 years ago wasn't even high school... Have I mentioned how wrong it feels that it's been 10 years since I graduated from high school?? So wrong.
Mirrors help make a space look bigger. You knew that, right? In the bookshelves I have fabric boxes that are holding my DVDs and making things look much more streamlined. To jazz up the boxes, I'm going to eventually put ribbon on them... You can see my test ribbon placement on a couple of the boxes on the right shelf. I have to credit "Clean Sweep" for convincing me that putting everything into boxes of the same size/shape makes things look so much nicer.
Here you can see art placement a little better and that thing in the bottom right? That's that rocking gaming storage ottoman that I was talking about. It can be used as a chair as well... thus the pillows and the afghan that my grandma knitted me when I graduated from high school... 10 YEARS ago.... yeah I'm not over that.
Anyway, I think that pretty well wraps up the tour of the room... I don't actually have before pictures, but take out everything in the room that has any blue/teal in it and emphasize the Asian and you've pretty well got it. Trust me it looks much much different.
I think Nathan would have liked it... but it doesn't make me think of Nathan, which is kinda the point... fewer memories to make me sad.
First, this one... this is all of the paper that Nathan and I had laying around the house that dealt with cancer, treatments, and bone marrow transplants. Yes, I went through it all and checked for confidential information and shredded it... this is just the other stuff.
This is only 5 days worth of pills that Nathan took the last week at home... It doesn't include an oil that he took 4 times a day, a hormone injection that was once a week (changed from a daily patch), the insulin that he took at least 3 times a day, and the pain pills (also not pictured)... and he could take about 40 pain pills a day, if he'd taken them all exactly when he could.
A friend posted this on facebook today. That link more than anything else makes me ask why.... Why couldn't this have happened to us 10 years from now? Why him? Why now? It's a bad idea to go down that road.
Abrupt subject change!
Anyway, I think that pretty well wraps up the tour of the room... I don't actually have before pictures, but take out everything in the room that has any blue/teal in it and emphasize the Asian and you've pretty well got it. Trust me it looks much much different.
I think Nathan would have liked it... but it doesn't make me think of Nathan, which is kinda the point... fewer memories to make me sad.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Pandora interrupted
Don't call my name, Alejandro.
It's my determination that all the jokes are funnier and everyone laughs harder when you hit 1 AM. It's like when everyone reaches just that right level of punchy... In college it was also the time when going to Steak and Shake or IHOP was most often suggested.... 1 AM pancakes are a thing of beauty... and calories.
Sing it for the boys, Sing it for the girls, Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
I painted my bird pictures tonight... so they will be going up tomorrow.. and then I will probably post pictures of my sweet new living room cause I'm pretty darn proud of how nice it looks... Unfortunately I realized after I finished all the pictures that I wanted to put them the opposite direction that they were drawn/painted... so I'm not sure exactly how that will work.. I may just have to choose a different wall to put them on, and pretend like it was on purpose... cause none of you will tell anyone, right? ...Right!?! Yes, I know I could just paint over them and start over again, but seriously who wants to do that? Not me.
I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me. But why do I feel this party's over?
I posted this on facebook, but I will share it with ya'll, too. I went to the mall yesterday with Paula... I bought a few new things, but it is my belief that to guarantee that you find a few things you like enough to buy, you pick up one of everything you like in the store... sometimes in multiple sizes, if you aren't sure what size you are anymore. Today my biceps are sore from how heavy my arm loads of try-ons were as I roamed JCPenny. I'm not joking... it's slightly ridiculous. Obviously I need to be doing more chicken flying on my Wii.
Baby, you're a firework.
You know something that I don't think I ever believed before, but am slowly coming to accept as truth... Everyone has these huge insecurities in themselves that they live their life trying to hide. It's not just me. This person who I thought had it all together? They are insecure about their future. This girl who I thought was absolutely beautiful? Worries about her weight. The boy who I thought couldn't be any cooler? Desperately trying to cover up the fact that he's actually a huge dork. And when I find these things in other people it makes me want to hug them... Because the glimpse inside their head makes me so much more aware that I might be able to say something to deeply impact them... I could affect them... we aren't as different as I thought.
Take my hand, close your eyes. With you right here, I'm a rocketeer.
So much of my life has become saying each morning, "Ok, God, what now?" I never could have predicted on January 1st what my life would be like on March 27th. I couldn't have predicted the events that have occurred, the people I've become close to, the way my living room looks... heck, I never would have even predicted that I would be blogging so much. All I know, is that God's leading me through and I just have to trust that He knows better than I do.
You know that I could use somebody.
(I swear I just used the lyric that Pandora was singing when I pushed enter after a paragraph... The correlation? I guess that just shows how easily I can be affected by the music I'm transcribing.) Btw, I need an editor to check my Affect vs Effect usage in my post.
I hope that you like this, but you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me.
(I had to! It was too perfect!)
It's my determination that all the jokes are funnier and everyone laughs harder when you hit 1 AM. It's like when everyone reaches just that right level of punchy... In college it was also the time when going to Steak and Shake or IHOP was most often suggested.... 1 AM pancakes are a thing of beauty... and calories.
Sing it for the boys, Sing it for the girls, Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
I painted my bird pictures tonight... so they will be going up tomorrow.. and then I will probably post pictures of my sweet new living room cause I'm pretty darn proud of how nice it looks... Unfortunately I realized after I finished all the pictures that I wanted to put them the opposite direction that they were drawn/painted... so I'm not sure exactly how that will work.. I may just have to choose a different wall to put them on, and pretend like it was on purpose... cause none of you will tell anyone, right? ...Right!?! Yes, I know I could just paint over them and start over again, but seriously who wants to do that? Not me.
I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me. But why do I feel this party's over?
I posted this on facebook, but I will share it with ya'll, too. I went to the mall yesterday with Paula... I bought a few new things, but it is my belief that to guarantee that you find a few things you like enough to buy, you pick up one of everything you like in the store... sometimes in multiple sizes, if you aren't sure what size you are anymore. Today my biceps are sore from how heavy my arm loads of try-ons were as I roamed JCPenny. I'm not joking... it's slightly ridiculous. Obviously I need to be doing more chicken flying on my Wii.
Baby, you're a firework.
You know something that I don't think I ever believed before, but am slowly coming to accept as truth... Everyone has these huge insecurities in themselves that they live their life trying to hide. It's not just me. This person who I thought had it all together? They are insecure about their future. This girl who I thought was absolutely beautiful? Worries about her weight. The boy who I thought couldn't be any cooler? Desperately trying to cover up the fact that he's actually a huge dork. And when I find these things in other people it makes me want to hug them... Because the glimpse inside their head makes me so much more aware that I might be able to say something to deeply impact them... I could affect them... we aren't as different as I thought.
Take my hand, close your eyes. With you right here, I'm a rocketeer.
So much of my life has become saying each morning, "Ok, God, what now?" I never could have predicted on January 1st what my life would be like on March 27th. I couldn't have predicted the events that have occurred, the people I've become close to, the way my living room looks... heck, I never would have even predicted that I would be blogging so much. All I know, is that God's leading me through and I just have to trust that He knows better than I do.
You know that I could use somebody.
(I swear I just used the lyric that Pandora was singing when I pushed enter after a paragraph... The correlation? I guess that just shows how easily I can be affected by the music I'm transcribing.) Btw, I need an editor to check my Affect vs Effect usage in my post.
I hope that you like this, but you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me.
(I had to! It was too perfect!)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I'm back!
Hello Blog!
I've missed you!! I mentioned how Paula was in town? Well I went to Ron and Linda's and stayed with her for 2 nights and didn't have a typing computer. (Further proof that a smart phone will never replace an actual computer in my life.) And no typing computer means no blogging, and I missed it... a lot.
I've been having a Savage Garden song running through my head all flippin' day. Specifically, "I Don't Know You, Anymore." It's kinda a depressing song and I think one that only someone who was a big enough fan in Jr. High to listen to their CDs on repeat over and over and over would know enough to have running through their head.
I bought a "new" expansion to Dominion-- Prosperity. It's quite fun. In case you aren't one of my gaming friends, Dominion is a card game that I really like. It's kinda infinitely variable as you can change out the cards that you use for each game you play, and there are lots of options. It won the German Game of the Year in 2009. If you want to know more about it, go here, cause I don't want to just wax poetic about it for the whole blog.
I also bought several new tops at the mall when we went there yesterday... I love buying new clothes!
Seriously, I spend a whole weekend away from you and the whole time I'm thinking about things I need to blog about and then when I get in front of you it all goes out of my head and I just want to sit here and gaze into your eyes and be happy that I am back.
I think I might be developing an unhealthy relationship with blogging...
I've missed you!! I mentioned how Paula was in town? Well I went to Ron and Linda's and stayed with her for 2 nights and didn't have a typing computer. (Further proof that a smart phone will never replace an actual computer in my life.) And no typing computer means no blogging, and I missed it... a lot.
I've been having a Savage Garden song running through my head all flippin' day. Specifically, "I Don't Know You, Anymore." It's kinda a depressing song and I think one that only someone who was a big enough fan in Jr. High to listen to their CDs on repeat over and over and over would know enough to have running through their head.
I bought a "new" expansion to Dominion-- Prosperity. It's quite fun. In case you aren't one of my gaming friends, Dominion is a card game that I really like. It's kinda infinitely variable as you can change out the cards that you use for each game you play, and there are lots of options. It won the German Game of the Year in 2009. If you want to know more about it, go here, cause I don't want to just wax poetic about it for the whole blog.
I also bought several new tops at the mall when we went there yesterday... I love buying new clothes!
Seriously, I spend a whole weekend away from you and the whole time I'm thinking about things I need to blog about and then when I get in front of you it all goes out of my head and I just want to sit here and gaze into your eyes and be happy that I am back.
I think I might be developing an unhealthy relationship with blogging...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Disclaimer free with purchase!
Went to Farmer's Gastropub tonight... the food was really good.... but the service was sooooooo slow! We got there around 6-6:30 and I don't think we left until 9:30 or so.... and not because we were talking that much! Still, I'm glad I experienced it, even if I did feel like a customer at the end of a Diner Dash shift.
I have Nathan's ring now... my necklace is complete. It's rather comforting... and heavier than I expected.
My living room is very close to done... I just have to finish my "made" art and hang things... then I'm gonna have to find a new hobby.... like my office... or maybe any other room in my house, since my office will take me years to finish... ok not years.... but I fully expect to not be finished before I move out of this apartment.... or maybe I should just focus on the whole memoir thing.
Or move to Canada and become a hermit...
Oh gosh.. worst idea ever!
You know what's not the worst idea ever? Going to bed. So that's where I'm telling my monkey feet* to take me.
Lead on, monkey feet*, lead on!
*please note that any allusion to Renée's feet as "monkey feet" is based on their general dexterity and agility, not on hairy-ness. Her feet could not even be mistaken for hobbiten.
I have Nathan's ring now... my necklace is complete. It's rather comforting... and heavier than I expected.
My living room is very close to done... I just have to finish my "made" art and hang things... then I'm gonna have to find a new hobby.... like my office... or maybe any other room in my house, since my office will take me years to finish... ok not years.... but I fully expect to not be finished before I move out of this apartment.... or maybe I should just focus on the whole memoir thing.
Or move to Canada and become a hermit...
Oh gosh.. worst idea ever!
You know what's not the worst idea ever? Going to bed. So that's where I'm telling my monkey feet* to take me.
Lead on, monkey feet*, lead on!
*please note that any allusion to Renée's feet as "monkey feet" is based on their general dexterity and agility, not on hairy-ness. Her feet could not even be mistaken for hobbiten.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Man voice and monkey feet
You may note that I have this new feature under my blog posts... now you can leave quick impressions just by clicking a box... thus far the only options I have are: funny, interesting, good, and lame. If you have other one-two word suggestions of things people might want to quickly say about my post, please feel free to tell me. I take suggestions. Sometimes I chuck them out the window like I'm a mime, but I take them. :)
Paula is coming into town tomorrow. I'm excited to see her. I kinda have awesome in-laws whom I love very very much. I've really been blessed by an incredible family... all across the board- immediate, extended and in-laws. Family keeps me grounded... and they have to love me no matter what, which is pretty nice.
I have a stripe of teal-ish paint across my arm. Kinda don't want to wash it off, because it gives me some cred. I'm a hip artist who gets so much paint on her all the time I don't even notice a small teal stripe. When in actuality I'm just making some art so my wall doesn't look so bare... and so it matches the room. *poser artist*
So today I was at the working and the Orkin man came by-- he only comes by every two months or so... and I missed him 4 months ago because of hospital, and then he apparently didn't come 2 months ago, and asked if I'd met the other person and I said, no, I probably wasn't here for that... and he asked me if I'd just gotten back from somewhere. I said no, that my husband was in the hospital. Then he asked what was wrong with him, and I had to use past tense cause there isn't really a way of getting around that one....He then apologized 5 or 6 times. I felt so bad... I tried to avoid the subject, but I hate lying... the poor dude. He just thought he was gonna be asking about a vacation.
I'm polyurethaning doors at the church... and sometimes I get paranoid that someone who has a key is gonna come to the church, let themselves into a door I'm not near and start laughing uproariously. Why you ask? Because I find it very hard to do manual labor like painting walls or staining or polyurethaning without finding my zen.... and how do I find my zen? By singing songs... loudly... actually the more appropriate phrase might be belting... and the church has some pretty good acoustical qualities.... It's only gonna be worse if I'm singing like a man. Oh, you didn't know that about me? Yeah.... I have a pretty low register that I can hit... I'm pretty sure Nathan could sing lower than I can.... but not totally sure on that one.... Yes, I am aware this does not help my ambition for waif-hood. But you know, you gotta be who you be. Sides it might be a fun party trick sometime... that and my amazing monkey feet... though I haven't practiced with my monkey feet in sometime, so they probably aren't nearly as impressive. Alas.
Paula is coming into town tomorrow. I'm excited to see her. I kinda have awesome in-laws whom I love very very much. I've really been blessed by an incredible family... all across the board- immediate, extended and in-laws. Family keeps me grounded... and they have to love me no matter what, which is pretty nice.
I have a stripe of teal-ish paint across my arm. Kinda don't want to wash it off, because it gives me some cred. I'm a hip artist who gets so much paint on her all the time I don't even notice a small teal stripe. When in actuality I'm just making some art so my wall doesn't look so bare... and so it matches the room. *poser artist*
So today I was at the working and the Orkin man came by-- he only comes by every two months or so... and I missed him 4 months ago because of hospital, and then he apparently didn't come 2 months ago, and asked if I'd met the other person and I said, no, I probably wasn't here for that... and he asked me if I'd just gotten back from somewhere. I said no, that my husband was in the hospital. Then he asked what was wrong with him, and I had to use past tense cause there isn't really a way of getting around that one....He then apologized 5 or 6 times. I felt so bad... I tried to avoid the subject, but I hate lying... the poor dude. He just thought he was gonna be asking about a vacation.
I'm polyurethaning doors at the church... and sometimes I get paranoid that someone who has a key is gonna come to the church, let themselves into a door I'm not near and start laughing uproariously. Why you ask? Because I find it very hard to do manual labor like painting walls or staining or polyurethaning without finding my zen.... and how do I find my zen? By singing songs... loudly... actually the more appropriate phrase might be belting... and the church has some pretty good acoustical qualities.... It's only gonna be worse if I'm singing like a man. Oh, you didn't know that about me? Yeah.... I have a pretty low register that I can hit... I'm pretty sure Nathan could sing lower than I can.... but not totally sure on that one.... Yes, I am aware this does not help my ambition for waif-hood. But you know, you gotta be who you be. Sides it might be a fun party trick sometime... that and my amazing monkey feet... though I haven't practiced with my monkey feet in sometime, so they probably aren't nearly as impressive. Alas.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Never gonna give you up...
Had a good walk today, with a friend... but I apparently was not properly shod for such an adventure, so I look like a bit of a moron walking around the house now... The tops of the balls of my feet are very sore (like where the foot meets the toes...)
I finished Kyle XY today... It was a surprise... I thought there were 12 episodes in the last season.... there were only 10, and it just ended out of nowhere... cliff hanger-so I have to get it from the library, now, so I can watch the special features section where someone reveals what would have happened with the characters... I hate ending television series... It's like I make friends with all these characters, and suddenly they are all gone. It's gonna sound ridiculous but it makes me lonely.
Apparently this is the lonely week... last week was the sad week... this 'un is the lonely one... I was reading craigslist "missed connection" posts today. (Someone posted one on fb- I don't just troll the craigslist personals, I swear.) There are more lonely people in the world than I knew.... and more romantics... cause seriously why else would someone post something to a missed connection site anyway?
Time is weird. It keeps marching along... both incredibly slowly and quickly. It seems like so much longer that he's been gone... and yet I spend time with friends and suddenly it's 10 or 11 and time for us to go our separate ways... cause they have to... you know, sleep. Not, me, though... I just need to find someone else to talk to... oh the neediness.. it never ends!
1 AM Fresh Choc Chip Cookie Break! Don't you wish you lived with/near me? Yeah, I know you do.
This is approximately the time when Nathan would say, "I LOVE you!"
Let it be clear that it was not my fault he was always so skinny. I tried my darndest to fatten that boy up, and the only thing that worked were those f-in' steroids... Please excuse the near cuss, but I can't really think of the drug that pretty well killed my husband without a bit of an elaboration to it's name.
On the plus side, despite my choc.chip cookie break tonight, I've actually lost 15 or 20 lbs since Dec. (I kinda didn't weigh myself very often.... or pay much attention to what the number was, obviously.) I'm gonna have to shop for new jeans soon... I put on a freshly laundered pair yesterday and had to change midway through the day because they were falling down so much. Oh such a travail!
I still think minorly should be a word... I'm not gonna give up on it.
I just mind-rickrolled, myself.
And that sir, is when you know it's time to throw in the towel for the night.
I finished Kyle XY today... It was a surprise... I thought there were 12 episodes in the last season.... there were only 10, and it just ended out of nowhere... cliff hanger-so I have to get it from the library, now, so I can watch the special features section where someone reveals what would have happened with the characters... I hate ending television series... It's like I make friends with all these characters, and suddenly they are all gone. It's gonna sound ridiculous but it makes me lonely.
Apparently this is the lonely week... last week was the sad week... this 'un is the lonely one... I was reading craigslist "missed connection" posts today. (Someone posted one on fb- I don't just troll the craigslist personals, I swear.) There are more lonely people in the world than I knew.... and more romantics... cause seriously why else would someone post something to a missed connection site anyway?
Time is weird. It keeps marching along... both incredibly slowly and quickly. It seems like so much longer that he's been gone... and yet I spend time with friends and suddenly it's 10 or 11 and time for us to go our separate ways... cause they have to... you know, sleep. Not, me, though... I just need to find someone else to talk to... oh the neediness.. it never ends!
1 AM Fresh Choc Chip Cookie Break! Don't you wish you lived with/near me? Yeah, I know you do.
This is approximately the time when Nathan would say, "I LOVE you!"
Let it be clear that it was not my fault he was always so skinny. I tried my darndest to fatten that boy up, and the only thing that worked were those f-in' steroids... Please excuse the near cuss, but I can't really think of the drug that pretty well killed my husband without a bit of an elaboration to it's name.
On the plus side, despite my choc.chip cookie break tonight, I've actually lost 15 or 20 lbs since Dec. (I kinda didn't weigh myself very often.... or pay much attention to what the number was, obviously.) I'm gonna have to shop for new jeans soon... I put on a freshly laundered pair yesterday and had to change midway through the day because they were falling down so much. Oh such a travail!
I still think minorly should be a word... I'm not gonna give up on it.
I just mind-rickrolled, myself.
And that sir, is when you know it's time to throw in the towel for the night.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Living in anticipation
Tonight, I'm missing being held. I miss touch. I know I'm not a touchy person, but that rule didn't apply with my husband... I loved it when he would come up behind me and hug me... I loved it when he could lay next to me and put his arm around my waist... I loved the simple act of holding his hand. I want nothing more than to be able to go cry into his shoulder, right now. He never cared if I got mascara on his shirt... Except that if I could do that, I would have no reason to cry....
Oh blogging world, please don't think I'm a horrible person, or that I didn't love Nathan with all that I have, but I can't live my life alone... I need someone to share my life with... I need to share someone else's life. And if that's not in the cards then God's gonna be having to do a mighty work in me, because right now I long for that connection. I long for the person who can make me laugh and finish my sentences. I long for the person who can explain my quirks to others... quirks I didn't even notice I had. I long for the special smiles that say, "You are totally adorable." I long for inside jokes and conversations that happen as you fall asleep and being able to hug someone for as long as I want without it being weird. I don't just long for the past, though... I long for the future... I want new discoveries and new inside jokes and things that I can't even imagine right now because they are so specific to my relationship with some other person... I want children and a family. I don't know where my road is leading, but I know that I can't imagine it (right now) without someone to share it with me. None of this is to say that I'm gonna start dating the next available man just because he shows interest- while I know that what Nathan and I had was special and wholly unique, I'm not willing to date someone else without at least the potential to have something equally special and unique. I, perhaps more than most, know not to settle for just, "good enough." But I'm not going to settle for my love story to be over at 27, either.
Ach! Blogging is such a conundrum. I try to be totally honest, and yet I fear the judgment that I know is possible. I've thought of all the different responses to this... but basically it come down to this for me: I feel how I feel, as I feel it, and I trust God to lead the right person into my life at the right time. He's done it before, on numerous occasions... So I sit here and try and plan out my life with the limited knowledge/resources I have at my disposal... and God chortles up there in the sky and then rearranges everything.
I think I have to live my life in anticipation of the good, and just accept the bad as it comes. I think that's how I stay sane.
In other news, tonight I was reminded of walking to class in Strong Hall, one fall semester. I seemed to end up walking behind a professor most days that I had this particular class, and he always smoked a pipe. For a long time I couldn't figure out why Strong Hall always smelled so good at that particular time... then finally I figured out one day that it was this professor's pipe tobacco, because I was walking relatively close behind him and the scent was strong... so I breathed in too deeply and started coughing... sometimes I'm oblivious. It reminds me of the Hayley Mills version of "The Parent Trap" where she says she is "Making a memory" so that "Years from now, when I'm all grown up, I'll always remember my grandfather and how he always smelled of... peppermint and pipe tobacco."
Oh blogging world, please don't think I'm a horrible person, or that I didn't love Nathan with all that I have, but I can't live my life alone... I need someone to share my life with... I need to share someone else's life. And if that's not in the cards then God's gonna be having to do a mighty work in me, because right now I long for that connection. I long for the person who can make me laugh and finish my sentences. I long for the person who can explain my quirks to others... quirks I didn't even notice I had. I long for the special smiles that say, "You are totally adorable." I long for inside jokes and conversations that happen as you fall asleep and being able to hug someone for as long as I want without it being weird. I don't just long for the past, though... I long for the future... I want new discoveries and new inside jokes and things that I can't even imagine right now because they are so specific to my relationship with some other person... I want children and a family. I don't know where my road is leading, but I know that I can't imagine it (right now) without someone to share it with me. None of this is to say that I'm gonna start dating the next available man just because he shows interest- while I know that what Nathan and I had was special and wholly unique, I'm not willing to date someone else without at least the potential to have something equally special and unique. I, perhaps more than most, know not to settle for just, "good enough." But I'm not going to settle for my love story to be over at 27, either.
Ach! Blogging is such a conundrum. I try to be totally honest, and yet I fear the judgment that I know is possible. I've thought of all the different responses to this... but basically it come down to this for me: I feel how I feel, as I feel it, and I trust God to lead the right person into my life at the right time. He's done it before, on numerous occasions... So I sit here and try and plan out my life with the limited knowledge/resources I have at my disposal... and God chortles up there in the sky and then rearranges everything.
I think I have to live my life in anticipation of the good, and just accept the bad as it comes. I think that's how I stay sane.
In other news, tonight I was reminded of walking to class in Strong Hall, one fall semester. I seemed to end up walking behind a professor most days that I had this particular class, and he always smoked a pipe. For a long time I couldn't figure out why Strong Hall always smelled so good at that particular time... then finally I figured out one day that it was this professor's pipe tobacco, because I was walking relatively close behind him and the scent was strong... so I breathed in too deeply and started coughing... sometimes I'm oblivious. It reminds me of the Hayley Mills version of "The Parent Trap" where she says she is "Making a memory" so that "Years from now, when I'm all grown up, I'll always remember my grandfather and how he always smelled of... peppermint and pipe tobacco."
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Rainbows
Oh.
My.
Gosh.
How could I have forgotten to show you this?
IT'S A RAINBOW CAKE!!!!
If you want to know more about it, go here.
I know, this kind of cake has taken the internet by storm, and I'm just now discovering it.. but seriously... Have you ever seen a prettier cake? The answer you are looking for, my friend, is no.
I know my love of rainbows borders on obsessive... but seriously... they are so pretty.
Rainbows make me happy-- To paraphrase one of my favorite movies- How can anyone be sad when they have a rainbow?
You know what a rainbow means? It means the storm has ended and light is coming back into the world. I can't see how that could be a bad thing.
My.
Gosh.
How could I have forgotten to show you this?
IT'S A RAINBOW CAKE!!!!
If you want to know more about it, go here.
I know, this kind of cake has taken the internet by storm, and I'm just now discovering it.. but seriously... Have you ever seen a prettier cake? The answer you are looking for, my friend, is no.
I know my love of rainbows borders on obsessive... but seriously... they are so pretty.
Rainbows make me happy-- To paraphrase one of my favorite movies- How can anyone be sad when they have a rainbow?
You know what a rainbow means? It means the storm has ended and light is coming back into the world. I can't see how that could be a bad thing.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I spaced out
Focus, Renée, focus... Blog Post, Renée, Blog Post.
Repeat thyself, Renée, repeat thyself.
yeah... that got old, fast, huh?
So... I need to file... I desperately need to file... but on my list of priorities... Filing is so not on top -or even in the middle.
I had a better day today than I did pretty much all of the rest of the week-- No Ice cream snacks needed.
My living room is getting closer to finished... I just have to put up art...Well, that and make art that ties everything together. You have no idea how hard it is to match a certain color if you don't have the correct base colors... especially teal.. Teal/light blue is HARD... so a trip to Hobby Lobby is in my future. Oh no, you DIDN'T just scoff at me and mumble incredulously "Light blue is hard?" I challenge you to come to my house and match the color I need using the colors that I have available before my HL run tomorrow. Plus my mom wants some counted cross stitch books... and makes no bones about sending anyone anywhere near an HL to go look for her.
Point of order: If it would be a Hobby Lobby, if I abbreviate that to HL does it stay "a" HL, or does it turn into "an" HL, because you pronounce "H" aeych.
I didn't think I was that tired, but I'm not sure that the previous sentence made any sense to anyone save myself.
I hope I'm not the only person in the world who speaks in random accents in my head.... and out-loud.... and in text... seriously. I say "t'anks" in text speak when I'm saying thanks-- it's a Scottish, Irish, British, something accent... Only I'm not sure that anyone gets that unless they know me and my penchant for accents. But accents are so fun!
Oh gosh I need to just end this blog. I keep staring off into the distance totally spacing out. Next thing you know I'm gonna fall asleep sitting at the computer... can we say totally uncomfortable?! This doesn't mean I don't love you all though. I do. I love you.
Repeat thyself, Renée, repeat thyself.
yeah... that got old, fast, huh?
So... I need to file... I desperately need to file... but on my list of priorities... Filing is so not on top -or even in the middle.
I had a better day today than I did pretty much all of the rest of the week-- No Ice cream snacks needed.
My living room is getting closer to finished... I just have to put up art...Well, that and make art that ties everything together. You have no idea how hard it is to match a certain color if you don't have the correct base colors... especially teal.. Teal/light blue is HARD... so a trip to Hobby Lobby is in my future. Oh no, you DIDN'T just scoff at me and mumble incredulously "Light blue is hard?" I challenge you to come to my house and match the color I need using the colors that I have available before my HL run tomorrow. Plus my mom wants some counted cross stitch books... and makes no bones about sending anyone anywhere near an HL to go look for her.
Point of order: If it would be a Hobby Lobby, if I abbreviate that to HL does it stay "a" HL, or does it turn into "an" HL, because you pronounce "H" aeych.
I didn't think I was that tired, but I'm not sure that the previous sentence made any sense to anyone save myself.
I hope I'm not the only person in the world who speaks in random accents in my head.... and out-loud.... and in text... seriously. I say "t'anks" in text speak when I'm saying thanks-- it's a Scottish, Irish, British, something accent... Only I'm not sure that anyone gets that unless they know me and my penchant for accents. But accents are so fun!
Oh gosh I need to just end this blog. I keep staring off into the distance totally spacing out. Next thing you know I'm gonna fall asleep sitting at the computer... can we say totally uncomfortable?! This doesn't mean I don't love you all though. I do. I love you.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Nuts, Co-co-nuts!
So gorgeous outside today... I had my windows open as soon as I got home. I love this kind of weather. Just warm enough that taking a cool shower feels soooo good. (Yes, I know that I posted that on facebook, too, but it's really really true.)
Today was one of the harder days... Cried a few times... mainly tried to distract myself from thinking about Nathan. Ate two ice cream snacks (impluse buy at the Wal-marts, today)-- One was mint chocolate chip Klondike... not as good as I thought it would be... The other was an Edy's "Coconut Fruit Bar." Holy heaven on a stick, Batman!!
I mean, yes, I did have to get used to having a crunchy ice cream bar (There are coconut pieces in the bar)... but golly.... why isn't there coconut ice cream for sale, normally?? Seriously.. my favorite ice cream choices are so outside the norm. My favorite flavors are oatmeal and, now, coconut. These are not widely available, so I usually have to go with vanilla, mint chip (but not Klondike mint chip, as I learned today), or some derivative containing chocolate ice cream, brownie bits, and a fudge ripple... and wasn't that a fascinating foray into the wide world of ice cream?!? Seriously, though, ice cream is an important player in days like today.
Several girls came over tonight to hang out with me. I'm not sure if they knew it was to distract me from the day or not, but it worked. It was really fun and I had a great time. There is something about a bunch of people just hanging out and talking that I love. It's a balm for my soul. Why is it that I'm not a touchy person, but I would like to give humanity as a whole a big hug? Maybe because it's a proverbial hug, and no touching actually has to happen.
I found out today that either "I Love America" is not happening this year, or it's not going to be at the Springfield Underground. I think that means it won't be happening. I think I speak for thousands of Springfieldians when I say-- this is a huge bummer. Nathan would be so upset. We talked about how we would be able to go this year, since last year he wasn't up to it. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe that would have been really hard for me... but it does make me sad.
So I made this pinwheel for this wedding... you may recall me posting pictures? I love it as a hair accessory, but I keep chickening out of wearing it, again. What do you think it takes to pull off a pinwheel in one's hair? Just some guts? Or do guts and a pinwheel really just make for a girl who looks like she's trying out for American Idol?
These are important questions.
Today was one of the harder days... Cried a few times... mainly tried to distract myself from thinking about Nathan. Ate two ice cream snacks (impluse buy at the Wal-marts, today)-- One was mint chocolate chip Klondike... not as good as I thought it would be... The other was an Edy's "Coconut Fruit Bar." Holy heaven on a stick, Batman!!
Several girls came over tonight to hang out with me. I'm not sure if they knew it was to distract me from the day or not, but it worked. It was really fun and I had a great time. There is something about a bunch of people just hanging out and talking that I love. It's a balm for my soul. Why is it that I'm not a touchy person, but I would like to give humanity as a whole a big hug? Maybe because it's a proverbial hug, and no touching actually has to happen.
I found out today that either "I Love America" is not happening this year, or it's not going to be at the Springfield Underground. I think that means it won't be happening. I think I speak for thousands of Springfieldians when I say-- this is a huge bummer. Nathan would be so upset. We talked about how we would be able to go this year, since last year he wasn't up to it. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe that would have been really hard for me... but it does make me sad.
So I made this pinwheel for this wedding... you may recall me posting pictures? I love it as a hair accessory, but I keep chickening out of wearing it, again. What do you think it takes to pull off a pinwheel in one's hair? Just some guts? Or do guts and a pinwheel really just make for a girl who looks like she's trying out for American Idol?
These are important questions.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
For strength to be that close
Here I am, blogging on my lunch break because I missed you all so much... I'm sorry! Kara came over last night and we talked until the wee hours of the morning. (2:30 AM- Pregnancy insomnia for the win!) But I was too tired to string together a coherent sentence when she left. I had an ok day yesterday... I went gadding about town during the afternoon and bought lots of things- but everything was cheap, so I didn't spend more than 15 dollars anywhere.... and now I have place mats that I'm going to turn into pillows (cause I'm a genius like that), and a cute little owl, and a mat and frame for a print that was less than 1/2 the original price! Woot.
The evening was more of a roller coaster, esp. emotionally. I miss Nathan. It's nothing more complex or more simple than that. I miss him so much there is an ache, sometimes. There is certainly a void.
St. Patrick's day last year was when Nathan went into the hospital for the bone marrow transplant... It was his first day of radiation... It was the day they placed his tri-fusion badly, under local anesthesia when they should have put him under. I can remember nearly every detail... from wanting to carry the laptop himself for as long as he could, to what he was wearing, to how sick, tired, and exhausted he was as we were finally getting into the hospital room... I hate dwelling on this stuff but I can't seem to get away from it today. The day you go into the hospital sticks out in your mind much easier than the days spent there, which have a tendency to all run together in my mind... so I think today might actually be a bigger deal than the 23rd which is when the BMT actually happened. I think the hardest thing about today, is that... as difficult as this day was last year... I also had so much hope. And today the things that I hold hope for are so different. I am so different.
A friend posted this on her wall today... It is so true, for me, today.
Prayer of St. Patrick:
That's what I need today. For Christ to be that near. For people to be that kind. For strength to be that close.
The evening was more of a roller coaster, esp. emotionally. I miss Nathan. It's nothing more complex or more simple than that. I miss him so much there is an ache, sometimes. There is certainly a void.
St. Patrick's day last year was when Nathan went into the hospital for the bone marrow transplant... It was his first day of radiation... It was the day they placed his tri-fusion badly, under local anesthesia when they should have put him under. I can remember nearly every detail... from wanting to carry the laptop himself for as long as he could, to what he was wearing, to how sick, tired, and exhausted he was as we were finally getting into the hospital room... I hate dwelling on this stuff but I can't seem to get away from it today. The day you go into the hospital sticks out in your mind much easier than the days spent there, which have a tendency to all run together in my mind... so I think today might actually be a bigger deal than the 23rd which is when the BMT actually happened. I think the hardest thing about today, is that... as difficult as this day was last year... I also had so much hope. And today the things that I hold hope for are so different. I am so different.
A friend posted this on her wall today... It is so true, for me, today.
Prayer of St. Patrick:
Christ with me, before me, behind me,
Christ in me, beneath me, above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
...Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through the mighty strength
Of the Lord
That's what I need today. For Christ to be that near. For people to be that kind. For strength to be that close.Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Being a flake
Oh my goodness, did you see Glee tonight? Blackbird might be my favorite song, ever.... I'm not going to admit how long it took me to learn that it was originally a Beatles tune. And the rest of the show was pretty good, too. :) I wish I had an instant re-play, because I would definitely just watch it all again. The only problem with watching Glee when it airs is that you can't just go immediately on to the next episode.
I used to be on top of my life... I could handle it... I responded to my e-mails. I remembered to call people back. My office didn't look like a train hit it. Ok... that last one might be an exaggeration. I'm a creative, ok? We aren't required to be neat... in fact we might be required to be kinda messy. That's what creatives do... we creatively make huge messes. Sides, you should see my apartment... I look like I'm a neat freak.... at least in comparison to my normal standards... and if you don't open the office door.
ANYWAY, my point was that I'm so not on top of things right now... I'm a downright flake. I can't even count how many e-mails I've failed to respond to... or phone calls... or facebook messages. And I haven't even begun to think of what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, job-wise. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but I'm going to have to make enough to support myself, eventually. Unfortunately all the things I would want to do for a career are creative- Write, interior design, craft, ect. And I'm too pragmatic to trust that kind of income... and I certainly don't want to go back to teaching. To "my" kids who are reading this, I love you all, still... but it was not the profession for me. Too much ridiculous red tape and mindless hoop jumping, miserable hours, and I couldn't take the general apathy of many of your peers without burning out- brightly and quickly. If I'm going to have to take my work home every night it has to be something that I *love* -not grading homework.
Wow... do you see how fast I can leave my original point behind and pick up a minorly related topic?
And now Firefox is telling me that "minorly" is not a word. Am I a crazy person? I'm pretty sure that's a word. Am I misspelling it? Firefox doesn't give me any alternative spellings.... Whoa... World is tilting off it's axis. How can I trust anything that I thought I knew, if minorly isn't even a word?!?
This is what happens when you become a flake... even your vocabulary suffers.
I used to be on top of my life... I could handle it... I responded to my e-mails. I remembered to call people back. My office didn't look like a train hit it. Ok... that last one might be an exaggeration. I'm a creative, ok? We aren't required to be neat... in fact we might be required to be kinda messy. That's what creatives do... we creatively make huge messes. Sides, you should see my apartment... I look like I'm a neat freak.... at least in comparison to my normal standards... and if you don't open the office door.
ANYWAY, my point was that I'm so not on top of things right now... I'm a downright flake. I can't even count how many e-mails I've failed to respond to... or phone calls... or facebook messages. And I haven't even begun to think of what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, job-wise. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but I'm going to have to make enough to support myself, eventually. Unfortunately all the things I would want to do for a career are creative- Write, interior design, craft, ect. And I'm too pragmatic to trust that kind of income... and I certainly don't want to go back to teaching. To "my" kids who are reading this, I love you all, still... but it was not the profession for me. Too much ridiculous red tape and mindless hoop jumping, miserable hours, and I couldn't take the general apathy of many of your peers without burning out- brightly and quickly. If I'm going to have to take my work home every night it has to be something that I *love* -not grading homework.
Wow... do you see how fast I can leave my original point behind and pick up a minorly related topic?
And now Firefox is telling me that "minorly" is not a word. Am I a crazy person? I'm pretty sure that's a word. Am I misspelling it? Firefox doesn't give me any alternative spellings.... Whoa... World is tilting off it's axis. How can I trust anything that I thought I knew, if minorly isn't even a word?!?
This is what happens when you become a flake... even your vocabulary suffers.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Distraction
From 3-4 in the morning a few days ago I had 53 hits on my blog... and then 21 from 4-5... Just to put this into perspective, a normal amount of hits on my blog in an hour time frame is probably 7 or 8... Highs, like right after I post something in the middle of the day (not at 2 in the morning) are around 25 or so. So in other words someone is reading my blog a lot in the middle of the night... or in another country... or both. *waves* Hi, fellow insomniac!
I finally did it. I finally rearranged the living room instead of just talking about it. There is one "problem area" but I'm gonna mull on it a while and see what I can come up with. And in the mean time I'm going to start experimenting with what art I'm going to put up and where. A friend of mine sent me an image that I'm going to get a print of, but other than that and a few special pieces, I usually make my own art or pull from stuff I did in high school and college. It's more personal and way way cheaper.
Today was a dark day for me... Not really sure why... just hard. It got better towards the end... and part of it might have been never catching up on sleep... but the rearranging was a good distraction.
Oh the other night I found my question book-- It's a book of random questions that can be a party game or just a fun get to know you type of activity. I really like it, because it can give you insights into people... and I may have mentioned this once or twice, but I kinda love people.
So here is your question of the day (I'll answer it, too): If you were to be renamed after someone from history, whose name would you want?
This is hard for me, because I really love my name, but if I HAD to choose another, I think I would choose Clara Barton... She was an impressive woman, but honestly I just love her name... Simple and pretty and not super duper common... though maybe it was at the time, I don't know.
I finally did it. I finally rearranged the living room instead of just talking about it. There is one "problem area" but I'm gonna mull on it a while and see what I can come up with. And in the mean time I'm going to start experimenting with what art I'm going to put up and where. A friend of mine sent me an image that I'm going to get a print of, but other than that and a few special pieces, I usually make my own art or pull from stuff I did in high school and college. It's more personal and way way cheaper.
Today was a dark day for me... Not really sure why... just hard. It got better towards the end... and part of it might have been never catching up on sleep... but the rearranging was a good distraction.
Oh the other night I found my question book-- It's a book of random questions that can be a party game or just a fun get to know you type of activity. I really like it, because it can give you insights into people... and I may have mentioned this once or twice, but I kinda love people.
So here is your question of the day (I'll answer it, too): If you were to be renamed after someone from history, whose name would you want?
This is hard for me, because I really love my name, but if I HAD to choose another, I think I would choose Clara Barton... She was an impressive woman, but honestly I just love her name... Simple and pretty and not super duper common... though maybe it was at the time, I don't know.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Waiting for the Straightaway
Rough morning at church...Not sure if it was the loss of that hour, or the sermon, or just having to come down off the high that I'd been riding all weekend, but I cried pretty hard. I hate it when that happens... I like to try and confine the tears to when I'm by myself... I don't like it when they bust free in public and I can't control it. I've been told that I shouldn't do that... that it's good to let other people see me be upset. That it's good to let people be there for me...especially the ones who don't normally see me during the lows. Goodness knows that Kara bears more than her "fair share" of that burden... but I'm not so convinced that there are fair shares in this battle.... and golly if I don't worry about trusting someone and then them suddenly pulling out because it's so heavy/hard. Don't know that I could handle a friendship collapse at the moment. But that's not to say I'm not trying to get out there. I'm making a concentrated effort to become better friends with people at my church who I have always liked, but never actually been around or hung out with, and it's been really enriching... Cancer made Nathan and I both hunker down so much... Just hang out with the people who we always do, because we don't have the strength/emotional energy to do anything more... So meeting up with all these other people... it feels like I'm stretching muscles that have been cooped up for way too long. And honestly if I'm gonna try and expand my friendship circle it makes sense to start with the people who already know me/the situation and who care about me, right? Of course, right!
Back to the cause of the tears... The thing I think I grieve more than anything is the loss of Nathan's potential... and the loss of *our* possibilities... our future. Being ripped out of "we" and "our" and shoved back into "me" and "my." Losing the person who promised to love me, and who cared so much about me that he never let on that he was bored out of his mind when I changed the channel to some horrible TLC show or Bravo competition. I grieve that I couldn't spend today with him... or show him my nails... or snuggle up next to him to take the requisite spring forward nap... or play Dominion with him... or tell him that I'll go to sleep in just a little bit (and have a little bit take 2 hours and see him roll his eyes at me). I grieve for what today could have been, if he'd been here to share it with me. And there isn't a lot to say to that.... It's just heavy and it just sucks, and all we can do is throw ineffectual words at it. And they are, in fact, ineffectual, and no one is surprised.
I really did have a decent rest of the day... I'm just still riding that roller coaster... waiting for the straightaway.
Back to the cause of the tears... The thing I think I grieve more than anything is the loss of Nathan's potential... and the loss of *our* possibilities... our future. Being ripped out of "we" and "our" and shoved back into "me" and "my." Losing the person who promised to love me, and who cared so much about me that he never let on that he was bored out of his mind when I changed the channel to some horrible TLC show or Bravo competition. I grieve that I couldn't spend today with him... or show him my nails... or snuggle up next to him to take the requisite spring forward nap... or play Dominion with him... or tell him that I'll go to sleep in just a little bit (and have a little bit take 2 hours and see him roll his eyes at me). I grieve for what today could have been, if he'd been here to share it with me. And there isn't a lot to say to that.... It's just heavy and it just sucks, and all we can do is throw ineffectual words at it. And they are, in fact, ineffectual, and no one is surprised.
I really did have a decent rest of the day... I'm just still riding that roller coaster... waiting for the straightaway.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
People are like rivers
I have my new nails now. They look lovely, in case you were wondering. Make me feel delicate, or something... *L* I'll let you in on a little secret... I'm not actually that delicate. Solid, steady, dependable.. yeah... but delicate... not so much. But it's nice to feel that way, anyway. It does make it slightly harder to type though... but not too bad, just more likely to make typos... but I make those all the time anyway so the net effect isn't too bad.
So did you notice in that last sentence I just basically said all of nothing? No? Oh, well, I did. Oh and I use the term "sentence" loosely, cause I am well aware that I use and overuse the "..." shamelessly. It's just how I roll.
OOOOOOh I almost forgot! Want to read the weird/creepy Facebook message I got today? .... OK, tough, I'm posting it, anyway. You are reading my blog and it's about what I am dealing with today and this was an interesting part of the day. So here it is....
"Hi pretty.how are you doing?i am pretty sure you are doing great.well you really caught my attention and you look so beautiful.I am a kind, careful, easygoing, cheerful person. I really love to cook. I know many recipes from different countries. I enjoy traveling. I visited many countries and learned their cultures and customs. I love outdoors activities.I like reading simple novels sometimes, philosophy at other times. My reading interests also include books about various adventures and love exercising.I will love to know more about you too,are you single?Take care and i hope to hear from you soon."
So, I blocked the dude. But I'm going to take it as a creepy compliment, not as the scam I'm pretty sure it is, because at least the first way then I get to be complimented... granted the guy has no grasp on spacing, capitalization, punctuation, and his syntax leaves something to be desired, but hey, he still called me pretty!
Oh yes, sometimes I am that shallow.
But you know... so are we all, I mean, really... just like rivers... moments of unexpected depths... and sudden shallowness... and rapids.... and worn smooth pebbles.. and water...
*looks around furtively * Think they bought that? Shhhhh! I'm gonna sneak away while they are pondering when this blog took a turn into a Miss Congeniality script. *tip toes out of the room*
So did you notice in that last sentence I just basically said all of nothing? No? Oh, well, I did. Oh and I use the term "sentence" loosely, cause I am well aware that I use and overuse the "..." shamelessly. It's just how I roll.
OOOOOOh I almost forgot! Want to read the weird/creepy Facebook message I got today? .... OK, tough, I'm posting it, anyway. You are reading my blog and it's about what I am dealing with today and this was an interesting part of the day. So here it is....
"Hi pretty.how are you doing?i am pretty sure you are doing great.well you really caught my attention and you look so beautiful.I am a kind, careful, easygoing, cheerful person. I really love to cook. I know many recipes from different countries. I enjoy traveling. I visited many countries and learned their cultures and customs. I love outdoors activities.I like reading simple novels sometimes, philosophy at other times. My reading interests also include books about various adventures and love exercising.I will love to know more about you too,are you single?Take care and i hope to hear from you soon."
So, I blocked the dude. But I'm going to take it as a creepy compliment, not as the scam I'm pretty sure it is, because at least the first way then I get to be complimented... granted the guy has no grasp on spacing, capitalization, punctuation, and his syntax leaves something to be desired, but hey, he still called me pretty!
Oh yes, sometimes I am that shallow.
But you know... so are we all, I mean, really... just like rivers... moments of unexpected depths... and sudden shallowness... and rapids.... and worn smooth pebbles.. and water...
*looks around furtively * Think they bought that? Shhhhh! I'm gonna sneak away while they are pondering when this blog took a turn into a Miss Congeniality script. *tip toes out of the room*
Saturday, March 12, 2011
"Christy" Quotes
These aren't deep thoughts... just passages from the book Christy by Catherine Marshall that have "struck" me, if you will.
"How is it that sometimes a melody and a lyric will wing their way into mind and heart to lodge there like a homing bird? Here in these astringent lines someone had captured what I had felt so deeply," (pg 168)
It goes on, but it's part of the story and so wouldn't make as much sense to you. It's something like what I wrote in one of my first blog posts.
Here is a song that's lodged itself into my mind and heart lately.
Another quote, that got me... Christy is talking about nursing people back from typhoid fever... but it isn't talking about typhoid to me... “What do you do when strength is called for and you have no strength? You evoke a power beyond your own and use stamina you did not know you had. You open your eyes in the morning grateful that you can see the sunlight of yet another day. You draw yourself to the edge of the bed and then put one foot in front of the other-and keep going. You weep with those who gently close the eyes of the dead, and somehow, from the salt of your tears, comes endurance for them and for you. You pour out that resurgence to minister to the living.” (pg 477)
Oh words... how you speak to me.
"How is it that sometimes a melody and a lyric will wing their way into mind and heart to lodge there like a homing bird? Here in these astringent lines someone had captured what I had felt so deeply," (pg 168)
It goes on, but it's part of the story and so wouldn't make as much sense to you. It's something like what I wrote in one of my first blog posts.
Here is a song that's lodged itself into my mind and heart lately.
Another quote, that got me... Christy is talking about nursing people back from typhoid fever... but it isn't talking about typhoid to me... “What do you do when strength is called for and you have no strength? You evoke a power beyond your own and use stamina you did not know you had. You open your eyes in the morning grateful that you can see the sunlight of yet another day. You draw yourself to the edge of the bed and then put one foot in front of the other-and keep going. You weep with those who gently close the eyes of the dead, and somehow, from the salt of your tears, comes endurance for them and for you. You pour out that resurgence to minister to the living.” (pg 477)
Oh words... how you speak to me.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Now Exiting Go-mode
Today I got things done.
I didn't sleep as late as I could have. I completed my tax organizer. I dropped off a few medical supplies. I went to the library. I walked with Kara and then chatted with her for several hours. I cleaned my living room. I went to Target. I went to Barnes and Noble. I went out to dinner with friends. And then walked off some of dinner with friends for an hour. I took out the trash-- well the huge box from the ottoman, anyway... at night! I loaded my dishwasher. I cleaned my kitchen. I wrote this blog post.
JGTH! Yes I'm awesome! (Quick, what's that quote from?)
Tomorrow, I need to do laundry, and maybe I'll actually rearrange the living room, instead of just talking about it. or I may *horrors!* attempt to tackle the office.... or perhaps I'll read a book and do nothing all day long.... yeah... one of those things.
Apparently today is not one of my deep days. Apparently today is a light and fluffy list kind of a day.
Oh! Tomorrow, I'm getting acrylic nails! I'm hoping this will cure my biting habit... and I think they look super pretty and girly, and I like feeling girly.
Gosh, I have nothing to say tonight... I spent so much time doing, today, that I didn't spend much time thinking... I would like to mention Japan, and the tragedy that has struck so many people in these last few days.... I'm sure the whole nation is in shock, and while my personal tragedy is on a much smaller scale, I certainly know what it feels like to have everything in your world change in an instant, and I wish I could give the whole country a great big hug. Maybe that's a bit cliche, but it's how I feel.
Anyway I think I'm going to give up on deep thoughts for the night, and watch some Netflix or something.
Stay cool, yo.
I didn't sleep as late as I could have. I completed my tax organizer. I dropped off a few medical supplies. I went to the library. I walked with Kara and then chatted with her for several hours. I cleaned my living room. I went to Target. I went to Barnes and Noble. I went out to dinner with friends. And then walked off some of dinner with friends for an hour. I took out the trash-- well the huge box from the ottoman, anyway... at night! I loaded my dishwasher. I cleaned my kitchen. I wrote this blog post.
JGTH! Yes I'm awesome! (Quick, what's that quote from?)
Tomorrow, I need to do laundry, and maybe I'll actually rearrange the living room, instead of just talking about it. or I may *horrors!* attempt to tackle the office.... or perhaps I'll read a book and do nothing all day long.... yeah... one of those things.
Apparently today is not one of my deep days. Apparently today is a light and fluffy list kind of a day.
Oh! Tomorrow, I'm getting acrylic nails! I'm hoping this will cure my biting habit... and I think they look super pretty and girly, and I like feeling girly.
Gosh, I have nothing to say tonight... I spent so much time doing, today, that I didn't spend much time thinking... I would like to mention Japan, and the tragedy that has struck so many people in these last few days.... I'm sure the whole nation is in shock, and while my personal tragedy is on a much smaller scale, I certainly know what it feels like to have everything in your world change in an instant, and I wish I could give the whole country a great big hug. Maybe that's a bit cliche, but it's how I feel.
Anyway I think I'm going to give up on deep thoughts for the night, and watch some Netflix or something.
Stay cool, yo.
Quotin' Myself
I'm not sure what it was about today, but I was in a wonderful mood. Maybe it was the sunshine, maybe it was that I had exactly the amount of work that I could accomplish in the day, so I got everything done, but never was sitting around. Maybe it's that I knew my Lyra light was scheduled to arrive today... (It did, Huzzah!) Maybe it's just that today for whatever reason I felt like I am hilarious and witty and beautiful and smart and competent and awesome. Today I *felt* like the girl that Nathan always described when he talked about me. I felt loved and special.
I wish I could take a bottle of today and dab a little behind my ears whenever I'm feeling down.
Maybe I can, because it's called vitamin D.
I can't back down from life... I can't run away because I've been hurt... I know how fast life can change and I feel like I have to pick it up and hold it tight to me, because I can't let it slip away. I said in my very first blog post that "I don't have lofty goals or great desires. I'm pretty simple and straightforward when it comes down to it. I want to be happy." I didn't know how hard it would be, exactly 6 months later (freaky coincidence, eh?) to find that happiness. But I have a joy that I'm eternally grateful for. One might say that it surpasses all understanding.
I found my valedictorian speech yesterday when going through some old papers... It was based on Ecclesiastes 3:1-8... In case you don't know, that's the "there is a time for everything" passage. It was a pretty good speech if I do say so, myself.... and at the end I say that, I wish my classmates, not success, but happiness, because "life doesn't depend on grades or ACT scores. Life is more about using what you have when you have it." Such a wise 17 year old I was....
I've been thinking lately, about Nathan... and about Nathan's energy, love of life, and spark.. and I know I won't be able to manage it all of the time, and it might seem a bit counter intuitive to some... but it seems like the most fitting tribute to Nathan is for me to not only be ok, but to be happy. To embrace the life he wasn't able to have. To be crazy, blissed out, happy. To smile at people just to get them to smile back at me. To remember how amazing he seemed to think I was and try to pass that feeling along to others so they can feel it too. To embrace the joy, love, and fulfillment that characterized our lives together and to try and find that again, in little pieces or large chunks. My life isn't over and 17 year old me is telling present day me that I gotta use it while I have it.
I wish I could take a bottle of today and dab a little behind my ears whenever I'm feeling down.
Maybe I can, because it's called vitamin D.
I can't back down from life... I can't run away because I've been hurt... I know how fast life can change and I feel like I have to pick it up and hold it tight to me, because I can't let it slip away. I said in my very first blog post that "I don't have lofty goals or great desires. I'm pretty simple and straightforward when it comes down to it. I want to be happy." I didn't know how hard it would be, exactly 6 months later (freaky coincidence, eh?) to find that happiness. But I have a joy that I'm eternally grateful for. One might say that it surpasses all understanding.
I found my valedictorian speech yesterday when going through some old papers... It was based on Ecclesiastes 3:1-8... In case you don't know, that's the "there is a time for everything" passage. It was a pretty good speech if I do say so, myself.... and at the end I say that, I wish my classmates, not success, but happiness, because "life doesn't depend on grades or ACT scores. Life is more about using what you have when you have it." Such a wise 17 year old I was....
I've been thinking lately, about Nathan... and about Nathan's energy, love of life, and spark.. and I know I won't be able to manage it all of the time, and it might seem a bit counter intuitive to some... but it seems like the most fitting tribute to Nathan is for me to not only be ok, but to be happy. To embrace the life he wasn't able to have. To be crazy, blissed out, happy. To smile at people just to get them to smile back at me. To remember how amazing he seemed to think I was and try to pass that feeling along to others so they can feel it too. To embrace the joy, love, and fulfillment that characterized our lives together and to try and find that again, in little pieces or large chunks. My life isn't over and 17 year old me is telling present day me that I gotta use it while I have it.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
You've got the cutest little... potato face.
I'm not sure I should put up poetry... even poetry that is old... I don't know that I have discerning poetic tastes and so even though I think that the poems are decent after I post something, I think all the next day... "Why did I put that up!?! People are going to think I'm so corny... Deeper than depths? Come on!... No more posting poetry when you are tired, Renée! Why did you put that up!?!" I seriously don't know how lyricists and published poets do it. Poems just seem so much more personal... it's you- only focused and condensed. So if you read a poem of mine you know something of me that it might normally take you pages and pages of prose to learn. Eyes and poetry are the windows to the soul. Cause seriously what kinda house doesn't have at least 2 windows... If it's only got one window it's a shack or a shed and I don't want my soul to be a shed.... or a shack.
Tangent, party of one.
Interestingly enough the way that I usually judge if someone cares about me is if they can tell me/point out things/facts about myself... cause it means they've been paying attention to me/ who I am/what I'm like... That's gotta be a love language, right?
Today I found out that the National Take Back Initiative is April 30th. I'm pleased as punch about this, because it is a way to get rid of all the old prescriptions I have... and I have sooo sooo soooooooo many. And since I don't want to sell them on the black market, or support someone's illegal drug habit, I didn't know what to do with them... And besides most of them are things like immuno-suppressants.. and trust me, no one wants those. (*Disclaimer* No, crazy drug addict, none of the old prescriptions are actually in my house, so it will do you and your high no good to bother breaking in) However if you would like a shower seat, toilet seat riser, walker, sponge toothbrush, or diabetic testing supplies, I will be happy to give them to you for free. oh or cloth tape... I have plenty of that.
My gaming storage ottoman came today... and it is huge... awesome... and huge... Like, I have to rearrange my living room now, huge... You think I'm joking, but I'm not. I'm serious... I'm as serious as a ... potato... What!?! You never see a potato crack a smile. Them's serious vegetable-starches.
See?
oh gosh... when you start googling potato faces you know it's time you should be going to bed.
I love you a bushel and a peck.
Renée
Tangent, party of one.
Interestingly enough the way that I usually judge if someone cares about me is if they can tell me/point out things/facts about myself... cause it means they've been paying attention to me/ who I am/what I'm like... That's gotta be a love language, right?
Today I found out that the National Take Back Initiative is April 30th. I'm pleased as punch about this, because it is a way to get rid of all the old prescriptions I have... and I have sooo sooo soooooooo many. And since I don't want to sell them on the black market, or support someone's illegal drug habit, I didn't know what to do with them... And besides most of them are things like immuno-suppressants.. and trust me, no one wants those. (*Disclaimer* No, crazy drug addict, none of the old prescriptions are actually in my house, so it will do you and your high no good to bother breaking in) However if you would like a shower seat, toilet seat riser, walker, sponge toothbrush, or diabetic testing supplies, I will be happy to give them to you for free. oh or cloth tape... I have plenty of that.
My gaming storage ottoman came today... and it is huge... awesome... and huge... Like, I have to rearrange my living room now, huge... You think I'm joking, but I'm not. I'm serious... I'm as serious as a ... potato... What!?! You never see a potato crack a smile. Them's serious vegetable-starches.
See?
oh gosh... when you start googling potato faces you know it's time you should be going to bed.
I love you a bushel and a peck.
Renée
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Reflections on Kyle XY and Poetry
So sometimes when I'm hanging out by myself I watch Netflix... Ok, fine, a lot of times. Tonight I watched a TV show called Kyle XY... I know. It's ok... judge me. I watch ABC family shows for fun... It's a shame that I just have to bear. This particular Kyle XY was... weird. 1) a girl had been attacked in a back alley (black eye and scratches on her neck) and everyone was watching her... waiting for her to freak out... and she was shaken, but being pretty strong. Yeah, I didn't identify with that one at allllll. :) And 2) the father of the father figure of the show was in the hospital... He'd had a stroke and was on life support. Or should I say "life support." It was of course all wrong.. they were monitoring his brain waves and didn't even have any nodules on his head... and they tried to make it look like he was intubated, but really he just had one small tube in his mouth (like an NG tube, but in his mouth rather than his nose) and a pulse ox monitor taped to his nose... And gosh darn it if I don't wish I didn't know about this stuff.... I'm not a nurse. I'm not in the medical field at all. I never wanted to know this stuff. I wish I didn't. I couldn't even watch whenever the "grandfather" was in the shot... I had to hold up my hand to block my view of him. I wrote a poem once, called, "What I Wish I Didn't Know." I was young and emo and it was about a guy whom I had had a crush on, and it listed off all sorts of things about him that I felt like I'd wasted my brain space remembering- his likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, ect. I have so much more to put into a poem now... So much more I wish I didn't know, but am not sure I'll ever forget. And it's way way heavier than the name of some guy's car. I don't want to list the things though... because I don't want to make you cry... I don't want to force that burden on someone who can't handle it. Gosh, ABC Family shows are just landmines. My memories are landmines. I just never know when something will trigger an explosion.
Talking about poetry has made me go look through some old stuff that I wrote when I was in High school and college... and two poems seemed especially apt tonight so I'll transcribe them for you... Though I admit I'm going to edit/ add a final line to the first one:
The Cry
The cry from my heart
can't be matched
by a fleshly wound
or an audible wail
I've hurt
I still hurt
I will hurt
And the nothingness never comes
I can't make myself go numb
not on the inside
I already tried
I've hurt
I still hurt
I will hurt
But that doesn't mean I should give up.
The Love of My Life
Deeper than the depths can fathom
Longer than eternity's distance
Greater than all this world can know
is the love I hold for you
Nothing will ever end it
You need never doubt it
For even before you knew life
I knew and loved you
I will carry you in sadness
and with your joy shall be mine
there is nothing that I need from you
But if you choose, to love me too
You don't have to be weak
Because I'll be here for strength
Draw what you need from me
You are the Love of my life
Talking about poetry has made me go look through some old stuff that I wrote when I was in High school and college... and two poems seemed especially apt tonight so I'll transcribe them for you... Though I admit I'm going to edit/ add a final line to the first one:
The Cry
The cry from my heart
can't be matched
by a fleshly wound
or an audible wail
I've hurt
I still hurt
I will hurt
And the nothingness never comes
I can't make myself go numb
not on the inside
I already tried
I've hurt
I still hurt
I will hurt
But that doesn't mean I should give up.
The Love of My Life
Deeper than the depths can fathom
Longer than eternity's distance
Greater than all this world can know
is the love I hold for you
Nothing will ever end it
You need never doubt it
For even before you knew life
I knew and loved you
I will carry you in sadness
and with your joy shall be mine
there is nothing that I need from you
But if you choose, to love me too
You don't have to be weak
Because I'll be here for strength
Draw what you need from me
You are the Love of my life
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Sorry for your passing
I forgot to tell you that I got a comment response from someone on youtube that said, "Im so sorry for your passing :(" I laughed... I'm not sure that English is that person's 1st language....
Took a 3 hour nap today... I gotta stop doing that in the beginning of the week. It throws off the whole rest of the week. Cause I'm not gonna want to go to bed early tonight... and then tomorrow I'll take a nap too... and then maybe on Wed I won't nap... but by then the week is half over!
Am I the only one who is annoyed that American Idol and Glee aren't on the same nights anymore... Seriously Fox? You can't just give me one good night of TV? I don't want to watch TV every night of the week for only an hour. I want to watch 1 whole night's worth of TV and then do something else on the other nights. You are really cramping my style, Fox.
Definitely need to go grocery shopping... I've run out of things like milk... and ummmm... that's all I can think of at the moment, but I know there are other things.
I've noticed that I don't really like being at home, that much, unless someone else is over here too... If I'm alone here I just come up with ways to escape being here... aka I read, or blog, or chat with friends online, or play games... or sleep.
I think I've decided I want to get acrylic nails... I bite my nails, out of habit. *shame... I know it's bad!* I had acrylic ones for my wedding and I loved them... I'm hoping that getting fake ones will help me grow out my actual nails and break me of the habit. Nathan always hated that I bit my nails... but I just never think about it... It doesn't help that my nails aren't the strongest ever. So anyway I want to get acrylic ones... only I have no idea where to go. Anyone in Springfield have a favorite nail salon? - preferably one where the people don't have accents so thick that I won't be able to understand them. That's part of why I haven't gone since my wedding... because I'm afraid I won't be able to communicate with whomever is doing them... that and those places are fume-y!
I hear that changing one's appearance is actually a pretty common response to grief.. because it's something that we can control. And heck, it's not like I don't have extra time on my hands! I'm sure my hair will be changing within the next month or so, too. Don't worry though, there will be no plastic surgery. That's way too expensive!
Took a 3 hour nap today... I gotta stop doing that in the beginning of the week. It throws off the whole rest of the week. Cause I'm not gonna want to go to bed early tonight... and then tomorrow I'll take a nap too... and then maybe on Wed I won't nap... but by then the week is half over!
Am I the only one who is annoyed that American Idol and Glee aren't on the same nights anymore... Seriously Fox? You can't just give me one good night of TV? I don't want to watch TV every night of the week for only an hour. I want to watch 1 whole night's worth of TV and then do something else on the other nights. You are really cramping my style, Fox.
Definitely need to go grocery shopping... I've run out of things like milk... and ummmm... that's all I can think of at the moment, but I know there are other things.
I've noticed that I don't really like being at home, that much, unless someone else is over here too... If I'm alone here I just come up with ways to escape being here... aka I read, or blog, or chat with friends online, or play games... or sleep.
I think I've decided I want to get acrylic nails... I bite my nails, out of habit. *shame... I know it's bad!* I had acrylic ones for my wedding and I loved them... I'm hoping that getting fake ones will help me grow out my actual nails and break me of the habit. Nathan always hated that I bit my nails... but I just never think about it... It doesn't help that my nails aren't the strongest ever. So anyway I want to get acrylic ones... only I have no idea where to go. Anyone in Springfield have a favorite nail salon? - preferably one where the people don't have accents so thick that I won't be able to understand them. That's part of why I haven't gone since my wedding... because I'm afraid I won't be able to communicate with whomever is doing them... that and those places are fume-y!
I hear that changing one's appearance is actually a pretty common response to grief.. because it's something that we can control. And heck, it's not like I don't have extra time on my hands! I'm sure my hair will be changing within the next month or so, too. Don't worry though, there will be no plastic surgery. That's way too expensive!
Monday, March 7, 2011
I want a luck dragon
I must confess, I've failed on winking at people... unless you count winking at myself in the mirror... I'm attempting to practice so I seem like less of a creeper... or a moron... Though I have to confess I might look like a moron anyway... But I'm still determined to try and wink with more frequency! Maybe I'll lessen it to once a week or something.
You know who winks a lot?? Falcor the luck dragon!
Several friends and I went to see "The NeverEnding Story" during the special late night showing that happened this weekend. It was glorious to hear the theme music coming from the movie sound system, even if they did love a synthesizer a bit too much in the 80's ... and Falcor was huge! And he winked a lot.. it made me smile. There is a dragon who knows how to have a good time!
You know what I learned this weekend that I wish I'd learned a long time ago? Even the people who you think are really cool and more interesting than you and just generally higher than you on the awesome scale- They are actually just people... and sometimes they are even kinda dorky. You mean that spider really IS more scared of me than I am of him? People really are just people with feelings and interests and weird things that they do?!? Oh insight, where were you in Jr. High?
I had 2, count 'em, two nightmares last night that Nathan was dying.. the kind where you wake yourself up because you are crying/breathing so hard... and I woke up and it was actually worse. How often does that happen? Not bloody often, I hope... I suppose the good side of this is that nightmares pretty much have no power over me. Not that I want to tempt them... but... I've survived my worst fears... What else can you really do?
I think grief/mourning might have made me a more selfish person. Kara frowned and disagreed with me when I mentioned this to her earlier... I guess perhaps, more self absorbed... I think far more about my own needs than I ever did before and I think I probably protect myself, more too... I mean I will still *try* and assume the best about people... but I'm more likely to assume the best AND still be irritated with them for acting that way. I think more in terms of "can I trust them to love me no matter what" and less in "what can I do for them" terms. I think more like, "how can I get them to do this with/for me," rather than just giving without thought of return... I'm not really sure that I like this change... but I'm also hoping it is temporary.... just one of those passing strange stages.
In other news, it's easy to forget how well your best friend knows you until you don't hang out with her for days and days. And then you finally *do* get a chance to talk to her and it's like, "Ahhhhhh!" She lets you know you aren't a crazy person or a freak or doing anything wrong, and you just feel a whole lot better about yourself. Also she and Rhonda both seem to think that I should wait a year to skydive.... Apparently that could just be my crazy talking, and while I still think it sounds like fun, they are also probably the two people who know me best in this world, so I kinda feel like I should trust them.... especially since I know that I would never have let Nathan go, again. (He went once in college before we were very close)... Also I might not be super comfortable with heights... and I think that would normally factor into this decision far more heavily than it currently is.
You know who winks a lot?? Falcor the luck dragon!
 |
| Sleeeeeeeepy wink |
You know what I learned this weekend that I wish I'd learned a long time ago? Even the people who you think are really cool and more interesting than you and just generally higher than you on the awesome scale- They are actually just people... and sometimes they are even kinda dorky. You mean that spider really IS more scared of me than I am of him? People really are just people with feelings and interests and weird things that they do?!? Oh insight, where were you in Jr. High?
I had 2, count 'em, two nightmares last night that Nathan was dying.. the kind where you wake yourself up because you are crying/breathing so hard... and I woke up and it was actually worse. How often does that happen? Not bloody often, I hope... I suppose the good side of this is that nightmares pretty much have no power over me. Not that I want to tempt them... but... I've survived my worst fears... What else can you really do?
I think grief/mourning might have made me a more selfish person. Kara frowned and disagreed with me when I mentioned this to her earlier... I guess perhaps, more self absorbed... I think far more about my own needs than I ever did before and I think I probably protect myself, more too... I mean I will still *try* and assume the best about people... but I'm more likely to assume the best AND still be irritated with them for acting that way. I think more in terms of "can I trust them to love me no matter what" and less in "what can I do for them" terms. I think more like, "how can I get them to do this with/for me," rather than just giving without thought of return... I'm not really sure that I like this change... but I'm also hoping it is temporary.... just one of those passing strange stages.
In other news, it's easy to forget how well your best friend knows you until you don't hang out with her for days and days. And then you finally *do* get a chance to talk to her and it's like, "Ahhhhhh!" She lets you know you aren't a crazy person or a freak or doing anything wrong, and you just feel a whole lot better about yourself. Also she and Rhonda both seem to think that I should wait a year to skydive.... Apparently that could just be my crazy talking, and while I still think it sounds like fun, they are also probably the two people who know me best in this world, so I kinda feel like I should trust them.... especially since I know that I would never have let Nathan go, again. (He went once in college before we were very close)... Also I might not be super comfortable with heights... and I think that would normally factor into this decision far more heavily than it currently is.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Pinwheel, Pictures, Plans
I'm writing a blog post now, because I am both bored and I'm not sure I will have a chance to later.
I had the wedding today.. The theme was pinwheels... and the couple included little pinwheel patterns to make into boutineers for all the men folk... I decided I would be wearing mine in my hair, since I don't have Nathan... so I made mine... only I decided I didn't think it was pretty enough after I made it, and I wanted something more elaborate.. so to the internets I went!
I found a pattern and I found some old scrapbooking paper that I had leftover from my wedding scrapbook and voila!
There is a lot of mention of death in weddings... I got a little emotional at the vows... It's hard to hear the promises that I made once...and then death did us part. Made me miss him, but I held back the tears...and preserved the makeup... well at least till now when I'm alone. Then the tears they do flow.... It's so wrong that the one person who could always comfort me is the one person who I can't have. No one else was ever as good at it, and I keep searching for substitutes, but I don't know how anyone can be what I need. I just need to give it time... but I'm so impatient. Life can change so quickly and I don't like to feel like I'm wasting time.
So when I'm bored I'm most likely to do several things... 1)Take pictures of myself. 2) curl my hair 3) put on makeup.... Well because of the wedding I already had my hair curled and makeup put on... and so taking pictures was all I had left... so I did. This is me pre-crying jag. I don't think I'll take any post crying jag pictures. Call me quirky.
Hey, Quirky!
In other news my comment on that youtube video has over 300 thumbs up on it... crazy. Of course someone also told me on youtube that if I "smile all day it makes you feel happy." I'm here to tell you that, that isn't necessarily true.
I'm keeping the pinwheel for the rest of the day. You can't make me get rid of it. The dress on the other hand is already gone... I loves me some jeans! They keeps my legs warm!
Well there is a birthday party tonight that I think I'm going to try to attend, and then I've got plans with several friends to see the NeverEnding Story in a movie theater... Can't wait to see Falcor on the big screen!
So to sum up today.... wedding, wedding, wedding, wedding, crying, party, movie. I guess it's not that bad of a day.
I had the wedding today.. The theme was pinwheels... and the couple included little pinwheel patterns to make into boutineers for all the men folk... I decided I would be wearing mine in my hair, since I don't have Nathan... so I made mine... only I decided I didn't think it was pretty enough after I made it, and I wanted something more elaborate.. so to the internets I went!
I found a pattern and I found some old scrapbooking paper that I had leftover from my wedding scrapbook and voila!
So when I'm bored I'm most likely to do several things... 1)Take pictures of myself. 2) curl my hair 3) put on makeup.... Well because of the wedding I already had my hair curled and makeup put on... and so taking pictures was all I had left... so I did. This is me pre-crying jag. I don't think I'll take any post crying jag pictures. Call me quirky.
In other news my comment on that youtube video has over 300 thumbs up on it... crazy. Of course someone also told me on youtube that if I "smile all day it makes you feel happy." I'm here to tell you that, that isn't necessarily true.
I'm keeping the pinwheel for the rest of the day. You can't make me get rid of it. The dress on the other hand is already gone... I loves me some jeans! They keeps my legs warm!
Well there is a birthday party tonight that I think I'm going to try to attend, and then I've got plans with several friends to see the NeverEnding Story in a movie theater... Can't wait to see Falcor on the big screen!
So to sum up today.... wedding, wedding, wedding, wedding, crying, party, movie. I guess it's not that bad of a day.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Mainly about my living room.
Today I went shopping for organization, and along the way I determined my new color scheme for my living room.... red and robin's egg blue. Ok I know I'm totally late to the party as far as the red and light blue color scheme go, but the thing is my living room is currently Asian and red. For several reasons... 1) I think that many Asian things are just pretty and graceful. 2) My aunt lived in Vietnam for a year and brought me back several cool things when I was in HS. 3) I have sweet Roman shades that I made about 6 years ago that have red cherry blossom style flowers and branches (Flowers red, branches black) and Chinese characters on them (I used to know what the characters meant... now I just know that one of the shades says "beautiful Renée"... but I don't know which one... yeah that's how I roll.). Anyway it's worked out well... However I'm wanting to change things up, and so I want something that will go with the red, as I need to replace it slowly (going out and buying all new throw pillows and blankets- oh and curtains isn't exactly fiscally responsible.) Then later on down the road I can phase the red out to a different color and never make it look bad cause I don't have the funds to just do it all at once. Plus everything has to go with my white walls and black furniture...
Added to that, my kitchen is semi connected to my living room, and it's color is mainly that light teal, because I got a Kitchen Aid mixer on sale for $50 right before Nathan and I got married, and I have this small little poster that a friend made me in college with a "Cookin with Renée" logo on it.... which is also mainly light teal... ooh and Red! I'm a decorating genius!
So suffice it to say I want my kitchen and living room to coordinate. And now it shall. And I got little bins/tote things to put DVDs in, cause I'm sick of looking at the mishmash of DVD covers. It's not pretty, but I don't want to give them all away! I wish my bookshelves had doors or something! But since they don't, bins it is. The blue option in bins wasn't the right color though, so I had to get black... which look good, but caused me to go look at ribbon... and when I found ribbon I also found a pretty damask-print fabric in red, so I will probably make some new pillows after all.... in red... but maybe it will help me to start straying away from the Asian theme. Anyway, regardless, I'm excited because I love redecorating... Oh if only I could paint the walls! This also means I need to make new art... or at least change mats/background on old art. I love creativity- It gets my happy endorphins going.
Just don't come into my office space and judge me... it's where everything I love but doesn't go with anything else ends up.. so it's .... eclectic. And messy. so messy. But that's not the art's fault, that's just my lack of motivation.
I had Thai with some friends tonight. It was a lot of fun, though they both had places to go, so we sadly couldn't hang out afterwards... Gosh, people and having lives. It's like an epidemic.
I have an abundance of flour and sugar in my house. Is there anyone out there I can bribe to hang out with me by making them baked goods? Ohhhh I miss Scholars where all I had to do to attract a crowd was to start baking... or tell Jake T. if there was a massive Halo game happening on the 2nd floor, and they couldn't smell it.
ok... Guess I will go have a fashion show with myself to try and figure out what I'm wearing to the wedding tomorrow. 44 degrees puts a damper on my previous idea. We'll see.
Added to that, my kitchen is semi connected to my living room, and it's color is mainly that light teal, because I got a Kitchen Aid mixer on sale for $50 right before Nathan and I got married, and I have this small little poster that a friend made me in college with a "Cookin with Renée" logo on it.... which is also mainly light teal... ooh and Red! I'm a decorating genius!
So suffice it to say I want my kitchen and living room to coordinate. And now it shall. And I got little bins/tote things to put DVDs in, cause I'm sick of looking at the mishmash of DVD covers. It's not pretty, but I don't want to give them all away! I wish my bookshelves had doors or something! But since they don't, bins it is. The blue option in bins wasn't the right color though, so I had to get black... which look good, but caused me to go look at ribbon... and when I found ribbon I also found a pretty damask-print fabric in red, so I will probably make some new pillows after all.... in red... but maybe it will help me to start straying away from the Asian theme. Anyway, regardless, I'm excited because I love redecorating... Oh if only I could paint the walls! This also means I need to make new art... or at least change mats/background on old art. I love creativity- It gets my happy endorphins going.
Just don't come into my office space and judge me... it's where everything I love but doesn't go with anything else ends up.. so it's .... eclectic. And messy. so messy. But that's not the art's fault, that's just my lack of motivation.
I had Thai with some friends tonight. It was a lot of fun, though they both had places to go, so we sadly couldn't hang out afterwards... Gosh, people and having lives. It's like an epidemic.
I have an abundance of flour and sugar in my house. Is there anyone out there I can bribe to hang out with me by making them baked goods? Ohhhh I miss Scholars where all I had to do to attract a crowd was to start baking... or tell Jake T. if there was a massive Halo game happening on the 2nd floor, and they couldn't smell it.
ok... Guess I will go have a fashion show with myself to try and figure out what I'm wearing to the wedding tomorrow. 44 degrees puts a damper on my previous idea. We'll see.
Wishes
Eating habits are all sorts of messed up... I went to Lamberts today with some family, but I'm hungry again, now... of course it is midnight, and Lamberts was 6 hours ago... maybe I'll go have a ham sammich, and eat 2 times today... well that's if you don't count the cupcake for breakfast... and I don't, cause cupcakes before 10 AM don't count. I've decided I'm going to try and get in 30 minutes of exercise a day... which is much more than my previous attempts of nothing. We'll see how long I can keep it up before I start falling off the bandwagon.
Ok the sammich, it calls me... You just wait right there.
Ok I'm back-- Havarti Cheese.. so yummy. and also. ham. Dang, I ate that sammich fast. I mean I know it seems fast to you, because you can read so fast but I might have eaten it as fast as you read this... ok maybe not, but it was close.
Thus far my idea of a hippity hopping Friday night consists of watching some Netflix and attempting another round of clean-up-the-apartment. You just let me know if you have a rescue plan.
I think I might have seen Clark Kent in Lamberts tonight... only without the glasses- Clark got Lasik... but he was dressed in business casual, so it's not like he was his alter ego or anything... Why is it the glasses that disguise Clark's identity anyway? Why isn't it the lack of a shiny red cape with a huge S on it.. I mean if the glasses can fool you, then surely just the lack of the Superman costume alone should be enough!
They placed Nathan's headstone today, apparently.
It seems so much more real when confronted with the stone. I have to keep remembering that this is just where his body on Earth is... but he is not there. I wish that bodies disappeared when people died... I wish that his body just went to heaven with him, and was transformed into what it is supposed to be in a magical floating shooting star sequence like in the end of Beauty and the Beast... I've always loved that scene.... I think even if I hated the rest of it, I would watch the whole movie just for that moment when the lights start shooting out of his toes, as the music builds. I wish that his body had just floated on up and up to heaven, and that there were no need for gravemarkers.... especially not his.
Every day... even the "easy" ones feel like I've lived a year in them... The ups and downs, the time passing, the struggle... each day is a microcosm and it makes me feel so old... and yet so impatient. I know how short life can be, so I don't want to waste it.... and yet I can't do anything *but* waste it, right now. I think that might be why I so often want to see other people and to hang out with them.... because time invested in a person will never be a waste to me. Wish I could talk to him. Wish he could tell me what he is thinking about what I am thinking. Wish I had someone to make all those stupid inside jokes with. Wish I could hold his hand.
Ok the sammich, it calls me... You just wait right there.
Ok I'm back-- Havarti Cheese.. so yummy. and also. ham. Dang, I ate that sammich fast. I mean I know it seems fast to you, because you can read so fast but I might have eaten it as fast as you read this... ok maybe not, but it was close.
Thus far my idea of a hippity hopping Friday night consists of watching some Netflix and attempting another round of clean-up-the-apartment. You just let me know if you have a rescue plan.
I think I might have seen Clark Kent in Lamberts tonight... only without the glasses- Clark got Lasik... but he was dressed in business casual, so it's not like he was his alter ego or anything... Why is it the glasses that disguise Clark's identity anyway? Why isn't it the lack of a shiny red cape with a huge S on it.. I mean if the glasses can fool you, then surely just the lack of the Superman costume alone should be enough!
They placed Nathan's headstone today, apparently.
Every day... even the "easy" ones feel like I've lived a year in them... The ups and downs, the time passing, the struggle... each day is a microcosm and it makes me feel so old... and yet so impatient. I know how short life can be, so I don't want to waste it.... and yet I can't do anything *but* waste it, right now. I think that might be why I so often want to see other people and to hang out with them.... because time invested in a person will never be a waste to me. Wish I could talk to him. Wish he could tell me what he is thinking about what I am thinking. Wish I had someone to make all those stupid inside jokes with. Wish I could hold his hand.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Song obsession and thoughts on a cupcake
So I've become obsessed with a song... I play it on repeat constantly. I need to just buy the song on itunes, rather than playing it over and over on youtube. I posted it on facebook last night, and then my sister pointed out that my comment on the actual video is one of the 2 most liked comments, tonight... People are so nice. Be careful... it might make you cry... It doesn't really make me cry, strangely... It's actually comforting, which I'm not sure makes any sense at all, but there you have it... I also love that in the lyrics he asks to be turned into a rainbow... it's like I was meant to love this song.
I hope that link actually works... I've never added a video to my blog before.
I actually did a little bit of exercise last night, on the Wii... I was planning on doing some more tonight but as it is 12:20 that may not happen.... Hey if I'm not going to eat right seems like a good 30 minutes or so spent trying to land on targets in a chicken costume and biking around an imaginary island couldn't hurt, right? I did put on a pair of jeans this morning that used to be tight on me, and they fit perfectly... but I don't think that was due to my "working out"...
There is definitely more cleaning and straightening that should be going on in my life... But I'm not doing it... I'd rather be hanging out with people...or reading a book... or blogging... or avoiding cleaning and straightening.
Today I had a Mayan Mocha cupcake from "The Cup." By the way they had a contest to name a St. Patrick day cupcake and they said the winner would be released on March 1st... and they didn't announce them until 7 o'clock on the 2nd... AND I didn't win. What the cup?! *giggle* see what I did there? I think I'm funny.... ANYWAY Mayan Mocha.. I'm still not sure how I feel about it... Here is the description, "Light chocolate cake with a hint of cinnamon and a peppery finish
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created to wink.'" Ya know, or something like that... Right guys? ...... right? *looks around* .....guys?
*raises fist in the air* Bring back the wink!
By the way, there is going to be a fundraiser for the memorial fund put on by the Religious Studies Club. I can't believe how incredibly generous people have already been, but they contacted me and told me that they would like to do this. It will be April 7th at the Panera that is close to campus from 5-8, I believe. So if you are in Springfield that day and need to eat dinner, maybe you can come out... OK I feel weird talking about it, so I'm probably not gonna mention it again until like the day before. Ugh I'm gonna put this at the end of the blog so it's not the first thing people see... awwwkward.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
One month
Just the Springfield portion of Nathan's last emergency room visit was over $11,000. I hate dealing with the insurance, but I'm so incredibly grateful for it.
Does anyone out there want a plant? I'm afraid I'm going to kill the one I have, and I really don't want to, as it is one of the plants from the memorial service. I don't really care what happens to it, as long as I don't know of it's demise...
This weekend is filling up very quickly. I'm glad. I only need to come up with Friday/Friday night plans... maybe I should use that time to sleep... but that's a depressing way to spend a Friday night. :s
My adult goal for today was to take out the trash... but I failed at that, because it is dark and you will probably think this is stupid but I hate taking the trash out in the dark. Things are more sinister in the dark, without a friend. Here's a cute story that got passed along to me -- It comes from one of my aunt's friends, speaking to her little (4 year old?) girl-
"I told her that Nathan was done fighting Whoakenia and he got to go to heaven to be with Jesus, and she said, "But....we PRAYED! A LOT!" I told her that God knows what he's doing and we just have to trust His plan and she said, "OK. Well, Grandma Sharon can show him where stuff is up der (there). Like drinking fountains and stuff." I told her that we needed to pray for his wife still, because it is going to be hard for her to be without him. She said, 'Yeah. Boys take out the trash. I'll pray.'"
Such a wise wee one. My adult-ness wasn't a complete fail though-- I paid bills and transferred City Utilities to my name. So I'm a little bit of a grown-up.
Today is one month, since it isn't a leap year and there aren't 29 days in February. I swear I don't know how I'm getting through this. I've always had a fear of death... literally if I ever started to really think of death I would have to just start saying, "Jesus, help" over and over under my breath because it would almost cause a panic attack.... in fact if you'd asked me what my biggest fear was before cancer happened, I would have said, "My loved ones dying." (After cancer hits, no one asks you what your biggest fear is, anymore.) I always thought I would fall apart when Nathan died... and that's when I thought I would have 40 or 50 years with him... not 3 and a half. I know that not everyone out there is a believer... but the only explanation that I have for being able to continue to put one foot in front of the other is God. I should be a mess. I should be a sloppy pile of tears and misery, because my love for that man was so strong... but while I have my moments of tears and misery, it's not constant... and I can only attribute that to God, and the people that He has put into my life to take care of me. Some have been there through everything, some have just suddenly stepped up to the plate, and I can see some waiting in the wings, just about to take the stage. I can't swim... and I never thought I'd be able to stay afloat in the turbulent waters of grief, but time after time someone has turned into my life-preserver, and I truly believe that God has sent every single one to me. I can't explain why this had to happen, except that we live in a broken world. But I do believe that somehow, someway (even if I never really know how) this will be turned for good.
Does anyone out there want a plant? I'm afraid I'm going to kill the one I have, and I really don't want to, as it is one of the plants from the memorial service. I don't really care what happens to it, as long as I don't know of it's demise...
This weekend is filling up very quickly. I'm glad. I only need to come up with Friday/Friday night plans... maybe I should use that time to sleep... but that's a depressing way to spend a Friday night. :s
My adult goal for today was to take out the trash... but I failed at that, because it is dark and you will probably think this is stupid but I hate taking the trash out in the dark. Things are more sinister in the dark, without a friend. Here's a cute story that got passed along to me -- It comes from one of my aunt's friends, speaking to her little (4 year old?) girl-
"I told her that Nathan was done fighting Whoakenia and he got to go to heaven to be with Jesus, and she said, "But....we PRAYED! A LOT!" I told her that God knows what he's doing and we just have to trust His plan and she said, "OK. Well, Grandma Sharon can show him where stuff is up der (there). Like drinking fountains and stuff." I told her that we needed to pray for his wife still, because it is going to be hard for her to be without him. She said, 'Yeah. Boys take out the trash. I'll pray.'"
Such a wise wee one. My adult-ness wasn't a complete fail though-- I paid bills and transferred City Utilities to my name. So I'm a little bit of a grown-up.
Today is one month, since it isn't a leap year and there aren't 29 days in February. I swear I don't know how I'm getting through this. I've always had a fear of death... literally if I ever started to really think of death I would have to just start saying, "Jesus, help" over and over under my breath because it would almost cause a panic attack.... in fact if you'd asked me what my biggest fear was before cancer happened, I would have said, "My loved ones dying." (After cancer hits, no one asks you what your biggest fear is, anymore.) I always thought I would fall apart when Nathan died... and that's when I thought I would have 40 or 50 years with him... not 3 and a half. I know that not everyone out there is a believer... but the only explanation that I have for being able to continue to put one foot in front of the other is God. I should be a mess. I should be a sloppy pile of tears and misery, because my love for that man was so strong... but while I have my moments of tears and misery, it's not constant... and I can only attribute that to God, and the people that He has put into my life to take care of me. Some have been there through everything, some have just suddenly stepped up to the plate, and I can see some waiting in the wings, just about to take the stage. I can't swim... and I never thought I'd be able to stay afloat in the turbulent waters of grief, but time after time someone has turned into my life-preserver, and I truly believe that God has sent every single one to me. I can't explain why this had to happen, except that we live in a broken world. But I do believe that somehow, someway (even if I never really know how) this will be turned for good.
I love to blog
Will you all hate me if I confess that Katy Perry is turning into a guilty pleasure artist for me? I hope not...cause she is. Just don't watch her music videos...
I took a 3 hours nap this afternoon/evening and I think that may not have been the best plan ever, but it does mean you are likely to get a sizeable blog post.
That is if I can think of anything to write... The words just aren't flowing the way they normally do. I have so little that I feel is of any interest- for example, I made a dinner tonight that was actual food that I actually cooked... (Rather than some sort of frozen thing I nuked and/or something takeout.) It's weird cooking for one.. I don't think I like it... I think I mainly like to cook for the accolades... (thus the ridiculous amount of cookie baking in college.) But I'm not likely to gush to myself about my own cooking.
See what I mean? The interest level, she is lacking.
There is a wedding thisSunday Saturday (I knew that... Thanks, April) ... the couple goes to my church... and they are super cute these days cause they are so grinny.. yes grinny. I said it. It's an appropriate word for how they are. It's really adorable.
I think the internet is my saving grace. I don't actually like talking on the phone at all... and I live so far away from my family, that I'd have almost no contact with them if it weren't for the internet... and the internet has Pandora to keep me company when I'm the only one up at 3:41 in the morning.. and it has facebook to help me keep in touch with everyone... and it has of course this wonderful thing called a blog where I can pour out my heart to anyone willing to listen. Yes, if it weren't for the internet I would be having a much harder time.
Twice yesterday someone told me that my blog made them cry... I don't mean for that to happen... I'm just getting out what's inside. A different someone told me this weekend that my blog made me kinda like a celebrity in that everyone knows what's happening in my head, but I don't know how other people are feeling or reacting... I suppose it's true-- though I love getting comments, so please don't be shy about leaving them!- I'm not sure when my willingness to be transparent happened... I don't know if it is how I've always been or if I developed it over time or if, with the onset of cancer, I knew I couldn't keep things to myself, but I don't really have a lot of taboo topics... I mean I have topics I'm singularly uninterested in... oh yeah there are plenty of those, but they aren't taboo... just boring... to me. So you are welcome to ask me to expound on a topic... and I can at least give you my feelings on it. Maybe it's just that I know I can come off as a little cold or aloof in person and so I want to show the world that isn't actually true... Cause after all, people won't like me if they think I'm cold and aloof, right?
It's funny... I was at a party this weekend... and I think everyone knows by now that I'm kinda shy... but at this party there were a lot of people I know semi-well (there was one person I didn't know) and someone said they thought purple was my favorite color... now those of you who have read my blog know... I kinda have a rant about this... You can read about it here. So someone suggested that purple was my favorite color, and I found myself going off into my rant... and even though I didn't know everyone there as well as I normally would have to, to be the center of attention, I let myself go... and people laughed at me (Which is a good thing cause it was meant to be funny.) and I kinda felt that same buzz that I do when I'm in a show and have a really good line... only it was real life and *I* was the person saying these things, not some character... and while I was a bit afraid I might have hurt the feelings of a "purple person" in the room, I also felt more confident and safer speaking out than I would have ever expected myself to feel. And I can't help but wonder if some of that isn't due in part to the fact that I let out all the random weird mixed up emotions that go through my head every day on here and I still get compliments on it as though I'm doing something special -- when I feel like I'm just being me. Being complimented on being yourself feels so good.
In other news, parents, force your children to take a good art history class in HS or college and to pay attention... I can't believe how much knowledge has stuck with me sub-consciously from my HS class. I would venture to say it is more culturally enriching than even a good survey of literature class... though I'm sure some of my friends would disagree.
Well, I seem to have hit my stride mid-post. That's fine. Until tomorrow, then. Tie me kangaroo down, sport.
I took a 3 hours nap this afternoon/evening and I think that may not have been the best plan ever, but it does mean you are likely to get a sizeable blog post.
That is if I can think of anything to write... The words just aren't flowing the way they normally do. I have so little that I feel is of any interest- for example, I made a dinner tonight that was actual food that I actually cooked... (Rather than some sort of frozen thing I nuked and/or something takeout.) It's weird cooking for one.. I don't think I like it... I think I mainly like to cook for the accolades... (thus the ridiculous amount of cookie baking in college.) But I'm not likely to gush to myself about my own cooking.
See what I mean? The interest level, she is lacking.
There is a wedding this
I think the internet is my saving grace. I don't actually like talking on the phone at all... and I live so far away from my family, that I'd have almost no contact with them if it weren't for the internet... and the internet has Pandora to keep me company when I'm the only one up at 3:41 in the morning.. and it has facebook to help me keep in touch with everyone... and it has of course this wonderful thing called a blog where I can pour out my heart to anyone willing to listen. Yes, if it weren't for the internet I would be having a much harder time.
Twice yesterday someone told me that my blog made them cry... I don't mean for that to happen... I'm just getting out what's inside. A different someone told me this weekend that my blog made me kinda like a celebrity in that everyone knows what's happening in my head, but I don't know how other people are feeling or reacting... I suppose it's true-- though I love getting comments, so please don't be shy about leaving them!- I'm not sure when my willingness to be transparent happened... I don't know if it is how I've always been or if I developed it over time or if, with the onset of cancer, I knew I couldn't keep things to myself, but I don't really have a lot of taboo topics... I mean I have topics I'm singularly uninterested in... oh yeah there are plenty of those, but they aren't taboo... just boring... to me. So you are welcome to ask me to expound on a topic... and I can at least give you my feelings on it. Maybe it's just that I know I can come off as a little cold or aloof in person and so I want to show the world that isn't actually true... Cause after all, people won't like me if they think I'm cold and aloof, right?
It's funny... I was at a party this weekend... and I think everyone knows by now that I'm kinda shy... but at this party there were a lot of people I know semi-well (there was one person I didn't know) and someone said they thought purple was my favorite color... now those of you who have read my blog know... I kinda have a rant about this... You can read about it here. So someone suggested that purple was my favorite color, and I found myself going off into my rant... and even though I didn't know everyone there as well as I normally would have to, to be the center of attention, I let myself go... and people laughed at me (Which is a good thing cause it was meant to be funny.) and I kinda felt that same buzz that I do when I'm in a show and have a really good line... only it was real life and *I* was the person saying these things, not some character... and while I was a bit afraid I might have hurt the feelings of a "purple person" in the room, I also felt more confident and safer speaking out than I would have ever expected myself to feel. And I can't help but wonder if some of that isn't due in part to the fact that I let out all the random weird mixed up emotions that go through my head every day on here and I still get compliments on it as though I'm doing something special -- when I feel like I'm just being me. Being complimented on being yourself feels so good.
In other news, parents, force your children to take a good art history class in HS or college and to pay attention... I can't believe how much knowledge has stuck with me sub-consciously from my HS class. I would venture to say it is more culturally enriching than even a good survey of literature class... though I'm sure some of my friends would disagree.
Well, I seem to have hit my stride mid-post. That's fine. Until tomorrow, then. Tie me kangaroo down, sport.
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