I am Crafter. Hear me roar!

I really like making stuff.

Tonight I made a painting...

Well, I made a painting after getting paint all over my clothes, and then- when taking off my tank top- all over my face.

If I had a husband he would have been chuckling fondly at me. If not straight out guffawing loudly at me.

I was a right mess.

I should have taken a picture.

Oh well. After getting myself slightly cleaned up, I made a painting.

 

Cool, right!? On facebook I linked to this guy's youtube where he time lapsed this painting... So I watched the video and then I painted my version.  Ohhh yeah, I'm that good. PLUS I did it without a fan brush, cause I don't own any. :)

It's really strange how much easier it is for me to paint something from a picture rather than from real life. 

The idea was for it to go into this frame.

 But I don't think I'm sold on it... Not sure that there is a high enough contrast between the frame and the picture. I may try painting something else... but don't worry I won't paint over it- I love this painting... I may just have to hang it without a frame.

Speaking of hanging things in frames... Check out what I did the other night! I glued some fabric in a 4 dollar frame.

I think that looks pretty great! (It actually looks better in person I think. The red doesn't turn so pink.)

Progress!

I swear I'll get my place decorated yet!.

And when I do, I'm sure I'll take pictures to show off to you.

Moving Day

Things that I have considered after driving away from Kara's empty apartment:

How painful the lump in my throat was.

How I would drive if I started crying.

How much I love Kara.

How much I love Josh.

How much I love Josh and Kara.

How much I love Bolt.

How much ice cream I have in my freezer.

How much ice cream a person can eat in a night.

How large the lack of "Warm Delights" in my pantry looms.

How I should go to the grocery store to buy out all the Warm Delights.

How to make my own Warm Delight cause who needs Betty Freaking Crocker?!?

***P.S. After one attempt at making a single serving "mug brownie," I can say who needs Betty Crocker. I do. Also, from here on out ice cream is living in the deep freeze. The defrost function is murder on ice cream when you don't eat it fast enough.

 In all seriousness, though.... Today was the day. Now some people might not know that Kara is coming back for the last weekend in August. You see they can't get their house in Philly until Sept. 5th, and also Kara and I have a 10 year friend-a-versary to celebrate. So, today wasn't the for-real goodbye... at least not for us....

but still... don't think that I didn't notice that the day my best friend moved away from Springfield is exactly one and a half years after my husband died. And in a strange way that put things into perspective for me.

Cause I know what a "permanent" goodbye feels like... and this isn't it. When I miss Kara, I won't be able to just drive over to her house... but I can call or e-mail or text or-- in a dire emergency-- drive to the airport and get on a plane.  Kara isn't gone from my life. I will visit her. She will come back for my wedding. (You know, to the guy I'm not even dating, yet. ;) )  She will know my children. I will know hers.

That's not to say that I'm not likely to sit down and have a good cry at some point.

But Kara's not gone from my life. Not even a little bit.

And she's doing what God's called her to do.

And I happen to think God knows what He's doing, even when it hurts.

10 of 30

Early blog tonight. One because I'm tired, Two because I need to shower, and Three because I have to do something to my nails before tomorrow morning.

Went to Kara's apartment and packed with her and her mom and sister and grandma for about 6 hours... it was fun but I'm pretty wiped out now... I think that physical labor is more exhausting when you are also trying to stay emotionally steady.

Emotional stability was had, but I'm tuckered out.

Also I've done an awful lot of Bolt throwing around lately and that's a workout. Go, go upper arm strength!

So I guess I'll throw out number 10 on the list really quick:

10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.

 Here's the thing... I don't know what my most embarrassing moment is. I have either blocked it from my memory because it was *that* embarrassing or I don't get embarrassed very easily....

Actually I think I get embarrassed relatively easily, but I don't recall it as embarrassing... I recall it as funny. So I don't know when I was most embarrassed cause it's such a fleeting thing.

Sorry, I know you might think this is a cop-out, but it's the truth!

Here- I'll make up a story... one time I met the President of the United States and I said, "It's nice to meet you, Madame President. " It was terrible.

Dang, even my fake embarrassment is rubbish.

Things of Excitement

We had a surprise party for Josh and Kara tonight... well, we surprised Josh. Kara was in on it.

Aaaand I'm pretty sure I will discuss this in more depth on Sunday evening... but not tonight.

Tonight I will tell you things of excitement.

1) My birthday is next week.  I'm turning 29... or 24, depending on how you look at it.

2) I'm finally registered for the Advanced Writing- Fiction class that I wanted!

3) The text for the AWF class that I just got into is the 2012 Moon City Review.... the one that I'm published in. *grin* That makes me feel so freaking cool! I'm sure it's just for reference, but still... makes a girl happy.

4) I found an 11x17 frame (Target was out when I went back. :-| I know! Right!?!) Walmart had my back, though.

5) My GA-ship is finally official!! I'm going to be the GA in the Training and Documentation Department of Computer Services. Huzzah for one more load off my mind!

6) I'm going to be speaking in church... on August 12th. Yeah, I know. So soon. Tim asked me to speak at the end of October... but then he reconsidered because he said that he wanted to be here for it and that's the Sunday right after his vacation, so now he doesn't have to prepare a sermon on vacation, he can be there, plus he thinks the timing is right for our church.... which I kinda feel, too.  I'm a little nervous... but excited... but nervous... this one isn't going to be like any other talk that I would give, because it's based so much out of my story. And I think you know how important it is to me. Hopefully my message can come across as clearly and as powerfully as I want it to. But I suppose that's more up to God than it is up to me. :) But feel free to come.... Feel free to invite your friends... feel free to invite people that you don't really even know that well, but think might be halfway interested. :)

And this is a bit random, but here is a song I found on a fellow young-widow blog...

I've been constantly playing it since I first pushed play... It might make you cry- but in that good, healing kind of way.

9 of 30

By the by- I hit 50,000 views the other day. That's kinda awesome.

The List

9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

1) Nathan
How... How has Nathan influenced me? In nearly every conceivable way. Nathan brought out a lot of the best in me. He convinced me that I was beautiful and I learned what a good and healthy relationship is with him. I learned how to love and how to be loved, and if that isn't soul-altering I don't know what is.

2) Kara
The thing about Kara is that she's bossy... but the thing about me is that I need a little bossy-ness in my life.  One of Kara's strengths is that she is an activator. So she will "boss me" into stuff that I really want to do, but am too shy or too afraid to do. She's the perfect excuse that no one ever really asks me for, but I can keep in my back pocket if questioned about. She also has increased my confidence level by about a million percent. She thinks that I'm the greatest friend ever, and while I don't believe that- having someone constantly telling you so, means that you at least think that you are worth people getting to know.

3) My Parents
 Ummmm how do I even begin to list the ways that my parents have influenced me? Between them and God my personality came into existence... so I will just mention a few things. They are the reason I'm the strong silent type. They are the reason I have such a deep and abiding faith. They are the reason I am creative and funny and love learning/reading. They are the reason for so much!

4) Rhonda
Rhonda also has had an incredible influence on my life, obviously. She taught me patience.... not because she was so trying as a little sister, but because the way to make her the angriest was to remain calm cool and collected in the face of her temper. :)(I know, I was such an ornery big sister!) She also taught me how to be less annoying, though I'm not really sure that all of that sunk in... and I think that in a lot of ways Rhonda kick-started my empathy.  When you have someone who is so similar to you and yet *so* different... and also so close to you... well in a lot of ways you are forced into seeing the world from someone else's eyes. And that's a pretty important life skill... and something I prize pretty highly in myself.

5) Dawn
I'm 12 years younger than my aunt Dawn, but I always felt like she was just as much my friend as my aunt. Dawn spent so much time with Rhonda and I as we were growing up and that was invaluable. To have a "cool" adult so invested in me and so excited to spend time with me. ...At the time I didn't realize how important it was to who I was becoming... but important it was, indeed. At the time I just knew that I was really lucky to be the girl who was related to Dawn.

6) My cousins
My cousins were my first friends. And they still number among my best friends. My cousin Wyatt talks about how the most fun he has ever had was with his family. And he's got a point. We had some amazing times... I've laughed so hard with them. My cousins were the first people who I was ever myself with and they thought(think) I'm awesome (as I think they are) And when I was growing up and being awkward and going through all sorts of self-esteem issues with my peers at school... well I always had my cousin's love to fall back on, and I never had to doubt that. I think it's because of them that I've never really questioned my self-worth. I remember one night in particular with all of us piled in the back of a pickup truck with blankets and pillows talking and laughing and joking on a chilly fall night while our parents were inside our grandmother's house. I kinda wish we didn't have to all grow up and go our separate ways.

7) Mrs Couch
Mrs. Couch was my Drama teacher in high school. And I was her favorite student. No, really, she said as much when I went back one year for her 10 year celebration of teaching at my school. Ok, I'm sure I wasn't her only favorite student, but I'm certain I was one of them. Mrs. Couch wasn't always the most popular teacher in the school. She set high expectations and expected them to be met, and she didn't let you feel ok about it if you didn't. She was at times abrasive, and I think that put some people off, but I loved her. She was my director in over 10 shows and you always knew that even if you were working like crazy to put on the show, she was working harder and I really respect that.
 
8) Ann Luther
Ann is possibly the sweetest lady I've ever met. She is also the most talented pianist I've ever met. She played piano for our church... and for the Community Theater shows... and for the kids' theatre shows... and put together an extracurricular singing group for high school girls (Ann's Girls)... She has always been so kind and encouraging and lovely to me. She was shocked and sad that I'm not on the worship team at my church because she thinks my voice is so great. She always encouraged me to be in the theatre shows. She took Nathan and I out to lunch one year when we were in town for my family 4th of July, and just kept telling him how special  and beautiful I was and how special he must be for me to choose him. I don't know why this lady took such an interest in encouraging me, but it has certainly influenced me.

9) Tim
I don't think you can work in a church for 4 years and not be influenced by the pastor. I think the thing that Tim has changed in me the most is believing in the value of my opinion. We do not think the same, Tim and I. Not even a little bit. And he really valued(s) that in me. Tim trusts me and has often used me as a sounding board for his thoughts-in part just because I was there, but in part because he wants the different viewpoint and he doesn't disqualify my thoughts just because I arrive at them by intuition or feeling. It's really affirming.

10) Ryan
 Someone had to be the first to suggest that I make a career out of this whole writing thing, right? Well, that was Ryan. And it was before I had a blog or a book in the works. It was before most people even knew that I could write. It was all because I wrote a comment on a picture that he posted on fb. And then after Nathan had passed away and I was freaking out about what I was going to do with my life, he brought it up again. And then he put money where his mouth was and hired me to do copy-writing for his video game company, even though I don't have a degree in it (yet!) And that said more to me about his belief in my talent than any pep-talk could. I don't know if he can read everyone this well, but Ryan doesn't put up with any excuses that I give that are based in my fear and not so long ago I was talking to him about something and he said to me, "I'm not going to give you an excuse to not do this, if that's what you're looking for." He's almost all thinker on the thinker-feeler spectrum, and so his "encouragement" is less "You can do this! I believe in you!" and more like, "Why are you even asking me about this? Of course you can do it. What are you waiting for?" But sometimes that matter-of-fact line of thinking is exactly what I need.

8 of 30

Did you think I'd forgotten the list?

I haven't

8. What are 5 passions you have?


I don't know for sure how to answer this one though....

Can I just say "people," 5 times?

Yeah, I know, it's cheating- But people really are what I'm most passionate about.

So I'm just going to throw that one out all together cause you know it, and I know it, and good grief I could talk about it forever and ever and ever. So besides people...

1. Laughter. I know it sounds dumb but I'm really passionate about laughter. Laughing makes people feel comfortable. It builds friendships, it reduces stress, it relieves tensions, it helps heal your heart in the very worst of situations. I really think that laughter is good for your soul and I look for ways to trigger it, and I look for people who trigger it in me. And then I just revel in it.

2. Art. I went back and forth for a while on whether I should just call this "color" but I think that the use of color is just as important as the actual colors themselves... and there is so much more to art than color... line and movement and form and shade, and I love and appreciate it all and want to be constantly surrounded by it. I place artistic talent very high on my list of "most impressive skills."

3. Books, reading, and a well-told story. Says the girl who wants to be a novelist... But I don't even realize this one until I start to read something poorly written and everything in me just cringes up in disbelief

4. Costumes... I can't help it! They are just so much fun! Seriously- half of the time when I'm getting dressed for the day I'm thinking of it in terms of a costume

5. Sharing my story - and hope... (If I'm lucky- these two things overlap) I believe so strongly that God has a plan. And I somehow in the midst of everything I've found this wellspring of joy and hope. And ach do I want to share that with people.

A Chain of Events

On Sunday I got my Blackbird Cathedral poster.

Today, I went to Target for many things and thought I'd look for a frame there.

But I realized I'd forgotten to look after I'd left the store.

But that's ok, I thought. I'll go to Hobby Lobby. Surely they'll have a frame there.

So I went to Hobby Lobby and it turns out that an 11x17 frame is not all that common.

But I bought this gorgeous ornate white frame, that I can put a painting in... or perhaps a mirror.

And I bought a 12x24 frame because it cost 3.99, and I figured that for 3.99 I could make art to fit it.

I left and thought, perhaps I'll cheat and find a poster and not have to make art.

I got on allposters.com and promptly found 4 posters (2 for only 2.99!) that I liked, and I ordered them.

A Monet, A Van Gogh, and 2 Muchas

None of them were the right size for my empty frame.

In fact, I didn't find anything that I liked in the size of my empty frame. I think I've decided to find or use some fabric in the frame.

Then I thought about all the art in my house I have that needs a home on a wall. So I put up a bunch of misc. art/ photos in my hallway.

And decided that I have a few pictures that I don't like the art anymore, but the frame is nice so I need to change the art to something that goes with my house.

And while I was hanging things, I hung more nails in my necklace wall

And then I decided to create a line to put all my hair extensions on

Then I found this adorable old curmudgeon that I never made into anything, but I should.

So basically my project list exploded and now I have: 4 posters which will need frames, a big white frame that needs art, a black empty frame to fill with fabric, several frames that need to have something else inside them, a hallway full of pictures, a necklace wall and an extension wall, an adorable old curmudgeon, and my Blackbird Cathedral poster that started this all- still without a frame.

And after all that I sat back down and checked Target's website....

They have an 11x17 frame that would be exactly what I needed in stock.

 

What can I say?

Camn't

I changed what my blog looks like.

Thoughts?

I'm really tire-ed, but I camn't go to bed cause I have to talk to you.

When I'm tired I put extra m's into words. So camn't wasn't a typo... it's how I'm saying it in my head right now.

Camn't.

Roll that one around in your head and then let it drip off your tongue. It's delicious, no?

I have to get up at a decent time cause I promised Kara I would...

I hope she understands "decent" means 10.

I think she does. She said she loves me just as I am.

I think my brain actually stopped working like 10 minutes ago.

Now I'm just sitting here, winking at my computer, cause one eye is too tired to be open.

Just that eye-- the other one can handle it.

Kinda gives new meaning to the idea of a "lazy" eye, huh.

I've decided I'm not going to cut all my hair off again until I'm 60 or so... or I have a person who wants me to. A boy-type person. Actually I think he might even have to be a fiance-type person. I gotta have a serious commitment before I cut my hair off for some bloke... no I take it back. A husband-type person. I'm not cutting off all my hair before my wedding. That would be complete madness!

I would assume a girl-type person who wants me to cut my hair off is up to sabotage.

I just get a lot of compliments from guys about my hair these days. Married guys- so it's not as creepy as it sounds. I never knew that boys paid any attention to a girl's hair. Nathan never cared much. But apparently guys actually do care/notice. So, fine. I'm keeping my long hair. I'll change it up with color and style, but it's staying longish.

*nods decidedly*

I reserve the right to change this when I have a baby... lots of my mother-type friends are cutting off their hair because of grabby babies and I get that, yo.

but my head is pretty darn tough, so I may make it to 60 yet.

Stuff and Nonsense

Am I ridiculous?

Yeah, a bit.

But if being ridiculous is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Why?

Because I have pansies on my fingertips and people who aren't a bit ridiculous would never end up with pansies at their fingertips.

Tutorial on the pansies found here: http://blognailedit.blogspot.com/2012/01/such-pansy.html

I kinda wanna follow that up with a nonsense poem... or the Gettysburg Address, which is very much not nonsense.

I liked the last Batman movie- It felt less dark than "The Dark Knight," which I was glad to be watching with a large group of people, only half of whom were paying attention.

A super fun sinus headache made the IMAX slightly less enjoyable, but only because it looked like I was crying the whole time cause those headaches make my eye water- just one. Yes, that does happen to be incredibly annoying. Plus I didn't have any Kleenex in my purse. It was a rough day in Mudville.

But today I got my Blackbird Cathedral CD and poster. That's exciting in and of itself, but it also means that I can tell people something that I've been keeping quiet about.

Blackbird Cathedral made their album in Memoriam of Nathan. I didn't know about it until probably this time last year. (A long time after I wrote this blog post.) And I kept it quiet. I didn't even tell Kara.

But I was touched. I still am, honestly.

Nathan would have been so honored.

*sigh*

So I have a confession... I thought about not blogging about this because I feel really bad and embarrassed about it. Like... a little heart-brokenly bad.

I wanted to blog about my friend Janis and how cool she is and how she sends me super awesome postcards.

I wanted to blog about Dr. Who.

I wanted to blog about happy trees and rainbows.

But tonight I was reading facebook and came to a post from one of my former teachers. It was about how tomorrow is she and her husband's 28th wedding anniversary.

And that's when I remembered. At 10:45 the day before. And really only because I remembered that this teacher and I shared our anniversaries.

Tomorrow (Today for most of you) is my 5th wedding anniversary.

Now there are lots of excuses I can use to explain why I hadn't been thinking about it. Being very busy with video game stuff, preaching mentoring, grad school stuff. Events in my head looming up like Josh and Kara's ordination, the baby dedication, Josh and Kara moving, upcoming 29th birthday, a trip home, 10 years of friendship with Kara, 1st day of school.

But none of that makes me feel better about the fact that I forgot. I'll admit that I sent Kara an e-mail that had some curse words.

I miss him every. single. day. How could I forget about this day?

The only thing that makes me feel any better about this is that I have Nathan's voice in my head- so real it's *almost* audible

"Sweetheart, it's ok!"

How?

Well, despite not remembering what tomorrow was, I'd made nearly all day plans this week with a small group of  friends... Tomorrow I'm going to a Batmanathon, culminating in going to see the newest Batman film.

How is watching a bunch of super dark movies reassuring? Well, the thing is that Batman Begins (the first movie that we will be watching tomorrow) was Nathan and my first real date. (It took until our 2nd go-round to have a real date.) I can still remember how he wanted to tell everyone that we were dating and he called Paula on the way to the movie theater to let her know that he was going on a date with his girlfriend.

This Batmanathon wasn't my idea... in fact it came from a kinda unexpected source... well, "unexpected" except in that eerily fitting way that makes you think that it isn't all coincidence.

I've never seen the second movie, because I knew how dark it was. So I thought it was a bit strange how excited/interested I was in doing this. But, you know, if Nathan was here, he'd be working so hard to convince me to do this for our anniversary.

So my plans... they kinda feel a bit like Nathan is trying to suppress a fond chuckle as I cry about what a terrible wife I am.

I can almost feel his hand stroking my hair.

I can almost hear his, "Sweetheart! It's fine! You are being ridiculous."

I really miss being called "Sweetheart."

Talent = Interest

I have this theory that the things we like the best are the ones that we are good at.

I think that there was once a study that proved that people's favorite color is the color that they look the best in, but I don't remember anything about the study except the results so it's quite possible I've made it up.

But I believe that the things people like to do are the things they are good at- two reasons that I can see for this.

1) If you are good at something you get positive reinforcement from others, so you have happy feelings regarding it.

2) If you enjoy something you will naturally spend more time on it and do it more, thus increasing your practice time with it and, as the saying goes, practice makes perfect.

There was just one flaw in my theory. And the flaw was how much I loved acting, when I don't think that I was, in fact, all that good.

But I think I've figured it out.  I love theatre because I love being a part of team effort, and I love people.  And I'm good at being a team member and generally with people... AND I loved acting because I'm *actually* good at public speaking- but I was so shy that acting was the closest I could come to public speaking, because I could funnel my own insecurity into becoming a "different person" so that I wouldn't have to be shy as that person. This is why the role I was most often cast in was the narrator.

*a light dawns in her eyes* Ooooooohhhhh! I get it!

7 of 30

All I've done today is talk to people... and it's been completely fabulous.

I talked to Kara from like noon to 5

Then I talked to my new friend, Brenda, from 5:30- 8

Then I talked to Kara again from 9-11:30 (She was in Philly for like a week and a half! We had a lot to catch up on!)

Then I talked to Ryan from 1-3:30.

I love my friends! I love that they are super clever and make me laugh and distract me from painful things and seem to enjoy my company so much. So lucky and blessed.

So how do I turn talking to my friends into a job?

Become Oprah's friend?

This leads me into # 7 of the 30 things list.

What is your dream job, and why?

Like I said, my dream job would be talking to my friends all day. But since it's rather hard to get paid for that, my *other* dream job is to be an author.

Why?

I love writing, and I think I'm good at it.

I like talking to people and I think I would enjoy book tours.

I could generally keep my own hours and spend my time in a coffee shop for the rest of my life.

I have stuff I want to say and stories I want people to hear.

They might someday want to make a movie out of one of my books and that would be totally sweet.

Right?

Of course, right!

Seriously... even if it's an indy movie... I was just watching a movie called "Ten Inch Hero" (on Netflix) last week and I loved one of the conversations so much that I went and found it (sorry in advance for the cursing.)

Jen: Girls that look like you don't understand. Y'know, I always think, like, if I lost ten pounds, or wore better clothes, or got new boobs that it would make a difference but, I know the truth.

Tish: I'm sorry but that's bullshit. You're the smartest person that I know. And I see you helping those homeless guys that no one can even look at. You make everyone around you happy. You have so much to offer. To say you don't because of how you look is just... is just total bullshit.

Jen: I didn't say I don't have a lot to offer, I said that people will never know because they don't SEE me. How many proms did you miss because no one asked you? How many times have your friends left you sitting alone at a club while they went and danced with guys? Or how many times has a customer completely ignored you to get a better look at me? So until that happens, until you're told time and time again that your place in life is in the background, don't tell me it's bullshit, because you don't know.

 I really want people to be affected enough by something that I've written that they search for a reason to quote me on their blogs. (btw the writer was Betsy Morris)

Speaker for the Dead

Oh my heavens, I haven't worn my hair curly in days and days and I've missed it so!

Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with the title of this post... but I just wanted to say it.

Now to the title. You may or may not be aware that Speaker for the Dead is the sequel to Ender's Game. Well, if you aren't that's fine. All you need to know it that in the books, "Speakers research [a] dead person's life and give a speech that attempts to speak for them, describing the person's life as he or she tried to live it. This speech is not given in order to persuade the audience to condemn or forgive the deceased, but rather a way to understand the person as a whole, including any flaws or misdeeds." (quote directly pulled from the wikipedia article)

I spoke at preaching mentoring tonight. Last sermon. It went over pretty well, but it was definitely the one I was most nervous about, because it was my "Nathan-talk." I wouldn't quite say that I was really a "Speaker for the Dead," but everything that I said is so wrapped up, in, and around Nathan's death that it  sorta feels that way... and I do think that I am sharing what he would want others to know.

For a long time now I've had a version of this talk on my laptop and I decided that if the whole point of going through preaching mentoring was to figure out how to talk about God to a crowd of people so that I could talk about Nathan, well, then I probably needed to do so.

So I took it out and brushed it off. I worked on it's flow and changed quite a bit of it- taking things out and putting things in, until I was ok with it. And then tonight I gave it. Everyone responded really positively, which was nice... I just... I just feel like it's something that I have to say.

And now I know that I can do it. I've wondered a bit if I would be able to get through a talk like that, but I did just fine, despite Kara being there and getting all red-eyed. (Ok, fine, I had to ignore her so I wouldn't cry, too, but I ignored her like a champ!)

One of the people tonight asked me if this is a sermon that I would really want to preach to a whole church. (Because I mentioned in the talk that I don't want (or like) pity, and because it is such a personal topic.)

And oh gracious, the answer is yes.

If there was a way that I could tell my story to every church in Springfield I would. If I could speak at a conference I would. If I could give a TED talk I would. I have this *amazing* story of love and joy and God bringing beauty from the ashes, and I've been trying to find a way to share it with more than just my innermost circle of friends for such a long time.

All I need is an audience of people willing to listen.

Shalom

Thought I'd take a break from the list tonight. I don't think there are any more highly charged blog posts in the list, so you should be safe from here on out (I'm looking at you, Currys.) But I felt like I had a little something to talk about tonight.

On Sunday Tim spoke about how God wants us to have/find "Shalom" in our lives. It was a good sermon. And it hit on a lot of stuff I've been thinking/dealing with lately. Shalom means peace. (Well Tim said it means a good deal more than simply peace, but peace is sorta the overarching word.) I actually re-read Ender's Game last week some time, and the word Shalom is a device the author uses there, too. And peace is something that I've been thinking about a lot.

I think that in a lot of aspects of my life I have an abundance of shalom. In my work situation for grad school, in the loss of Nathan, in my friendships. I have it... but I don't have it in my relationship status.

I've noticed something interesting.

I can tell who is single and who isn't by watching them for a few minutes in a public setting.

How?

Because single people look around.

I actually noticed this in myself a few months ago. I was at a restaurant with Katie, Jonny, and a few other people waiting for a table. When one particularly attractive young man left the restaurant I leaned over to Katie and said something to the effect of, "Gosh, did you see that guy? He was so cute!"

And Katie got a puzzled look and said, "Guy? I wasn't paying attention."

Because when you are in a committed relationship you don't pay attention. I was the same exact way. And I think that's a very good and healthy thing, and I think most people are this way. But it means I can tell who's single. And I guess that's good because it means that people are open to possibilities... but at the same time I really don't like it.

Well, in general, I don't like being single. I kinda suck at it. I think and I plan and I imagine ways out of it, but there isn't really much that I can do, because it has to be the right guy at the right time, and I don't have control of guys or timing.

And that's really frustrating.

Of late that all I want to watch are romantic comedies I've never seen before. I want to read books that are (in effect) romantic comedies. I want to watch television shows that are romantic comedies. But they all leave me completely unsatisfied in the end... because there is an end.  The credits roll, the last page turns, the 45 minutes are up and I'm still sitting here by myself, and what I really want is to be *living* the romantic comedy.

I have this great and strong desire for romance... and I'm not talking about candles and sappy love songs and roses... but the *real* romance. The grand gesture of Snow Biz. The silly conversations and inside jokes. The hug as you are cooking. The cheek or forehead kiss. Just being in the same room as another person working on entirely separate things. The romance of the everyday. I love that stuff, and it's not going away. It's built into who I am.

But I have no avenue for it. I have no method, and while I am not unhappy... I also don't have shalom for very long.

Because I'm always looking around and explaining why this guy is not the right one, and wondering why this one doesn't even know I exist, and dealing with the fact that this one has completely no interest in me.

I can't ever seem to hit the balance right and it's exhausting. And I think at the core of it is an additional layer of frustration that I don't understand why I have to do this all over again anyway....

And fear that I'm gonna have to be single another 21 years before it'll all get sorted out again.

So yeah... shalom, she is fleeting.

6 of 30

 30 Things List

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Well... this one is super obvious.

I actually thought for a while about this. I thought about the day Nathan was diagnosed, and the day of his funeral. I thought about the day he woke up not being able to move his legs, and some of the nights where I barely slept because he was hurting so bad and there was nothing I could do but hold his hand as he cried in pain.

But the single hardest thing I ever experienced was being in the room as his heart stopped beating. If you want to read the story, it's in this blog post... I don't really feel the need to write it all out again.

There is this Death Cab for Cutie song called "What Sarah Said"

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say good-bye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the T.V. entertained itself

Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes 'round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die.

After he was gone I was in a state of shock. The rest of the day is just flashes of memory... but every memory is of someone loving me. I think Nathan would like that, and I don't think that I've told you enough about everyone's kindness that day.

The sunrise was beautiful.

My parents, Rhonda and Isaac were there, as well as Bill and Paula and Rhonda hugged me so I wouldn't feel so alone... and even the stalwart men-folk cried.

A close friend (but not normally a mushy or even very emotional friend) texted- promising to be there if I needed anything.

A guy I graduated with paid for the entire week's worth of the hotel room, before we had even announced Nathan's death.

Kara drove to St. Louis without telling me because she didn't want to bother me, (and because I think she knew I was completely out of it.) But she got there after we'd already left and then she just drove back to Springfield, and to this day waves it off as if it were nothing.

Linda drove me back to Springfield and didn't expect or need me to talk at all.

Bill and Paula pulled me aside to make sure that I knew that they loved me, and that I have two sets of parents because I'm their daughter, too.

Kara stayed the night with me even though she was getting sick and was pregnant but wasn't telling anyone yet.

Like I said, I don't remember a lot... Shock will do that to you. But what I do remember makes me certain that even the hardest thing I have ever experienced could have been harder.

5 of 30

 The 30 things list

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1) Kadin and Jeriah (and baby Houf... and Bolt... and Gus)- I love being an aunt or an "aunt." I love that Kadin and Jeriah get super excited whenever I see them. I love that they tell their mom that I need to come and visit. I love that Jeriah said that he wants to marry me, but he can't reach my hands. I love that they have a whole bunch of songs about construction equipment memorized. I love that I am this super special person in their super special little lives. And I love my friends babies, too. I'm really afraid that Bolt won't remember me, but Kara says that won't happen... and Kadin and Jeriah remember me, so hopefully it's true.

2) Not to take a huge left turn, but my nails- I know, I know. So superficial. But I'm really proud of the fact that I can actually grow my nails out-- and I'm proud that they have become little extensions of my artistic leanings.

Today they are maps.

3) Making friends- I've been trying very hard to put all of my "Woo" talents to work and gather as many new friends as I can. Nathan's cancer made me insular, and since then I've been slowly letting people into my circle... It can be a little hard at times, because I am also trying to maintain the friendships I already have and a friendship is a very real/tangible thing to me... it takes work. Sometimes I wish that I could just go back to being the "maintainer" part of a duo, but I think I draw people Nathan wouldn't have, and I rather like some of the friend gems I've found.

4) Being needed- I've been working a lot this week for Pixelscopic. And it's made me really happy... I was a little confused about this because I've worked before, and it doesn't normally make me that happy. But then I realized it's because I am doing something for the guys that would be a huge waste of their time, but they needed done. I really like filling a hole, especially if it's a hole that full of minute details that would annoy the bejeepers out of most people. And sure, it didn't hurt at all that it made me feel super productive, *and* I actually got to interact with people everyday this week. But mainly I love feeling like I'm a functioning cog in the machine.

5) A (relatively) clean house. I enjoy it when my house is tidy. I do not enjoy making it so, so those times when I have to clean for company and then after company leaves it isn't trashed... well, it's simply lovely.

4 of 30

Bed at 5 AM last night.

Up at 9AM this morning.

"going" from nine until this very moment.

I'm glad number 4 on the list is only 10 items long.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

1) When you get to college, instead of bemoaning that you aren't a size two, appreciate how thin you really are.

2) Don't get blonde highlights, only get red ones.

3) It's ok to be weird... eventually you will find friends who are just as wonderfully quirky as you are.

4) Appreciate your time with your family- especially your cousins.

5) Get someone to invest in Apple and Starbucks stock for you.

6) You get married at 23, but you don't know him yet. Stop being so emo.

7) There will come a time when people respect you for the same things that people now make fun of you for.

8) You are actually an extrovert.

9) One day you are gonna have a tattoo... I just blew your mind, didn't I?

10) Turns out, you are a lot cooler than you think you are.

3 of 30

 Full List found here:


3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

I don't know that this one is going to be all that interesting. I think I've talked about my relationship with my parents here and there plenty of times over the course of this blog, and it's not exactly like there are any skeletons to uncover. But ok, sure.

I love my parents.

I look like my Dad's side of the family. Bigger boned-- farm stock type. And my dad very much is farm stock. He's kinda the quintessential "strong silent" type. He is the oldest of nine, and one of my aunts said that my Dad was the one with the "kindest heart." This doesn't come as a surprise to me at all. I think he yelled at Rhonda and I less than ten times in the entirety of our childhood, and that was usually because we were flagrantly disobeying him and not picking up the living room even though he'd told us to 17 times.

As I said yesterday, his dad passed away when he was a few years out of high school and before that, Grandpa Waltman was on bed rest for several years. (Dad told me once that the doctors basically told him to do the exact opposite of what they would have told him to do today, but doctors only know what they know when they know it.) So Dad and the other older boys took over the family farm pretty early. He and the other older boys didn't go to college, which is kinda a waste, because my dad is actually super smart. I asked him once what he would have studied if he had gone to college, and he said that he was always pretty interested in medicine, so he probably would have tried to become a doctor. It's too bad, cause I think Daddy would have been an amazing doctor.

I think that's part of the reason why I really try to get to know a person before I make any judgements based on external factors... cause while it might be easy to assume my dad was a back-country hick if you only looked at the bare facts, he is actually uber smart, rather artistic, and very kind hearted. He doesn't drink, he never swears, and his work ethic is off the charts.

Dad reads those Uncle John's Bathroom Readers (huge books of random trivia) cover to cover and he remembers a lot. Also if you pick the right subject he can talk for a really long time about it. It's actually pretty funny to watch my good friends interact with him. He doesn't talk at all and then my friend will ask a question that he knows something about and he starts going and my friend's faces are so funny cause they were starting to think that he just didn't speak.

He also jumps around when he's into a movie as though he could control where the characters go with his body.

You know how I never like to make a decision? My dad is 10 times worse than I am. Even when told that the only person he is deciding for is himself, he will still say that he'll "go with the flow."

My dad is the main cook/baker in my family and he's good. He will make me coconut cream pie when I go home and it's *incredible.* He also made me my nail polish spice racks. That's kinda how Dad is... the love language he speaks in is gifts of service.

He has really big hands and he's really strong, and if I'm tired or I don't feel good I still like to go over and just lean on his arm. Once in a while he still calls me kiddo, and I will still call him Daddy on occasion even though I'm a big bad grown-up.We rarely say I love you to each other, but I know that he loves me very much, and the same goes for me.

I think I got a lot of my sense of humor from my mom. I can remember several different rides home telling mom some story from my day and the two of us busting up and Rhonda yelling at us, "That's not even funny!"

My mom is a city girl (Pittsburgh) transplanted to the middle of nowhere for love. She taught school in Kirksville for a year or two and then met my dad (one of my aunts was her roommate in Kirksville, and liked to bring girls home to meet her brothers.)  I think Mom was originally "intended" for my uncle who was closer to her age (my parents are 5 years apart) but she met the older brother and I think that was pretty much that. (It's not too surprising. I've seen old home movies of my dad from around the time I was born and he was totally gorgeous.... but I think that a girl's "type" is usually determined by her father so maybe that's not that big of a surprise?)

 I'm a little sad that I don't take after my mom more... she weighed 98 pounds at 24 (23?) when they got married. She couldn't even give blood. I think the only time I ever weighed 98 pounds was in like the 6th grade. However, I will say this for mom. She never mentioned/worried/spoke about weight when I was growing up... at least not around me. And I think that's a really big deal. I care about my weight and wish that I weighed less, but I actually think that I have a pretty healthy relationship with my body image and food because she never seemed to notice or care about it. I know a lot of girls whose mothers passed on a really unhealthy outlook on dieting and weight and I didn't really get any of that, and I think it's a huge blessing.

Mom and I have a very similar relationship with tears... in that we shed them, but we don't like it, and try to avoid them/staunch them as quickly as possible. When they dropped me off for my first year of college Mom totally bawled as they said goodbye the last time. I was shocked- not because I didn't think that she'd miss me, but because we just don't cry that much.

I got my crafty-ness from Mom, who was crafty before it was cool. We always had the supplies to do any sort of art or craft that I ever desired and if Rhonda or I ever really got into a craft type Mom would make sure that we had the supplies/instruction books to do it. Mom says she isn't artistic at all, but she really likes art. (I think there is an argument that she is artistic, but either way she's certainly very crafty.) I think she was kinda delighted that I turned out so artsy. Even if it doesn't pay very well, at least I can paint whatever projects she wants when I come home. She still asks my opinion on paint colors and interior design decisions even though I'm not there to be able to see the paint chips in person. Though I've noticed that she's stopped taking my advice every single time... hmmmmm. :)

Mom is also super smart. Smarts are genetic! Apparently when they were younger they could wipe the floor with people as a team in Trivial Pursuit.

I never really had that "rebellious" period with my parents... I was kinda always a goody-two shoes. I think my 28th year is actually the most rebellious I've ever been and I'm a full fledged adult by now, so I'm not sure it's the same thing. I think one time I did get annoyed with Mom asking me if I'd done my homework  once my senior year of high school and I responded, "Mom, I'm the valedictorian! Have I ever not done my homework?! I don't think you need to be concerned about this!" I think that may be about as sassy pants as I got.

So yeah... I think I told you more *about* my parents than about our relationship... but I don't really know how else to talk about a relationship.. Cause who you think a person is, kinda defines what your relationship is, right?

.... whoa... I think that was one of those super true insights into how I think that I didn't realize till I said it... is that true of how you think of relationships? Am I normal or abnormal?

2 of 30

Time to continue the list. Click here, if you don't know what I'm talking about.


2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

I thought about phoning this one in. I don't like discussing my fears... I don't know that anyone does, so I thought about saying things like "Jello" and "becoming a 'purple person'" - basically just trying to be as funny as possible in the hope that you wouldn't notice that the list calls for "legitimate fears" But if this list is made in the interest of letting you get to know me, then it seems rather counter productive to hide behind my humorous self-defense mechanism. So in the interest of being authentic, and because I signed myself up for this anyway- here goes.

1) That no one really likes me.

So here's a story I've not told very many people... In Jr. High I went on this Christian youth conference thing. I think it was actually in Springfield, funnily enough. It was our youth minister, my aunt (female chaperone), myself, and two other girls from my class at school. These girls weren't super involved in our church, but we got to leave school early on Friday and it was a big gathering of youth, so you know, whatever. These girls and I weren't great friends, but we weren't enemies or anything, just never really hung out. It started out great. The drive up was fun and we seemed to be getting along well. One of the girls mentioned how it must be kinda a bummer that my best friend couldn't come. I agreed, but explained that she didn't have the extra money and had plans this weekend anyway. So these classmates and I hung out the first afternoon and evening and it was fine and dandy. I was even kinda excited, because the girls were turning out to be nicer and more fun than I expected. That night I went to bed but the girls kinda sequestered themselves in the bathroom, so that they could talk and have the lights on. I kinda wasn't invited to the bathroom pow-wow, but it didn't really bother me much... I knew they were a lot closer than I was with them. But the next morning as I was getting ready I went into the bathroom. They had left a notebook in the bathroom, open to a page full of them writing to each other. I didn't mean to read it, but I saw the name of my best friend (first name, last initial, small school, so it's not like there was anyone else with that particular combo. And when I saw her name I saw that there was a place where my name had been written and then crossed out. They had tried to cross it out at least. My name was still easily legible.

And so I read the conversation. I shouldn't have, but I was 12, my name was in it, and it had just been left out on the counter. Honestly, I'm not totally sure I could restrain myself given the same circumstances at 28.

The conversation basically revolved around how annoying I was, and how the girls wished I had a friend there so that I wouldn't hang out with her instead of them. How tired they were of putting up with me, and how they wished I wasn't there.

I didn't say anything about it. I left the bathroom and sat on the bed and collected myself and then went through the rest of the conference on auto-pilot. I gave the girls the space they wished for in the note, hanging out with the adults who had to like me or by myself if it was "just" the youth. If I wasn't independent then I was forcing them to put up with me. So I played it off like I didn't care. I just tamped it down and became a lesser version of myself... because it hurt.

I think this single experience did more to color my interactions with everyone in my school than the sum total of all my other experiences. I can count on one hand the people from my high school experience who I considered to be good friends and even then I still held most of them at arm's length, not trusting that they didn't secretly find me annoying. I saved the truest "me" for my family- my cousins... because I could trust them in a way that I couldn't trust anyone else. My family has to love me. I don't think I even started to recover from the blow to my ego until my sophomore year of college when I met this lovely super-bossy red-head who declared that we were best friends after having a single late-night conversation.

I've mainly recovered. I've forgiven those girls... we were all super young and at that age it's almost impossible to think through your actions in the light of anyone but yourself. For all I know they were bonding over how annoying I was because they were insecure about their own relationship and afraid that the other liked me more than her.  Plus, I'm sure I probably was pretty annoying. I think I would be annoyed by my 12 year old self.

I now assume that if people don't like me they will just avoid me, and I've worked very very very hard to become a person that everyone likes. But I still hate thinking that someone doesn't like me... and one of my biggest fears is still that someone might be secretly annoyed by me and wish that I wasn't there.

2) Usurping authority/ Taking a place meant for someone else/ being an imposition.

It might technically be a subset of fear number 1, but it feels like there is more to it than that. The thing is that I'm quite aware that (to change up some song lyrics) everything I can do, you can do better. So I don't want you to think that I deserve to be in a place of authority over you. I quite likely don't deserve that at all. I also don't want you to think that I'm judging you for your past or your life decisions and finding myself superior. I may not agree with the decisions that you've made, but that doesn't give me the moral high ground. Pretty sure you wouldn't agree with a lot of the decisions I've made in my life, and everyone makes mistakes.

I try to never assume that I am wanted/desired in a position unless specifically asked. I don't volunteer for positions that put me in the public eye or things that everyone wants to do (like the worship team at church) because I'm afraid that either they will say no, or that they will say yes, but wish that I hadn't volunteered and like they have to work around my sub-par-ness. And it doesn't help that I feel like this is (at least in part) a good and Biblical idea (not placing yourself at the head of the table, lest the host ask you to take a lower seat.)  In my case, though, I think I sometimes use it as an excuse to hide.

Generally, I'm afraid of being an unwelcome imposition. I don't want to be a burden that I've forced on someone else. If I'm going to rely on someone and trust them, then I want to know that they have chosen me... and that I can return the favor if ever called upon. "Modesty" and "independence" can be used as self-defense mechanisms, just like everything else.


3) That I will be alone for the rest of my life (especially when I lose loved ones.)

Well, I think it's obvious how this one became a fear. Remember my Strengthsfinder blog? Remember how every single strength was related to people except adaptability, and even that was used to deal with people and became a strength because of a person. Yeah.... Plus, I'm an extrovert.

So it probably goes without saying that I'm not really a fan of alone-ness.

I'll say it anyway. I'm not a fan of alone-ness.

I know I've said this before but I *loved* being married. I loved Nathan, but I loved the whole idea of marriage, as well. And I was pretty good at it, too... though it helped that my partner was so amazing. There were challenges, yeah, but my life was so enriched by the addition of another person. Someone to balance me, someone to challenge me, someone to encourage me, someone to laugh and play and joke with. Someone to help me be the best possible version of myself.

And someone to be there in those moments that are terribly hard. I never knew my dad's dad. He passed away when my Dad was just a few years out of  high school. My Grandma Twila (btw, I'm starting to really like the name Twila.. is that weird?) remarried a man named Glen when I was somewhere around a year old (maybe a bit less?) He and my Grandma were high school sweethearts (awww!) and his wife had also passed away. So the only grandpa I ever knew on my Dad's side was Grandpa Glen. Grandpa Glen and I were never super close, but I loved him. He passed away sometime during Nathan and my first year of marriage. I wasn't devastated but I was very sad... and I think it hit me even harder the next year... when I realized that it had been a year and it wasn't just some long vacation and I wasn't just attending family gatherings at different times so that we "just missed" each other.

And Nathan was there. And he held me. He just stroked my hair and gave me tissues and loved me even though I was crying and looked a right mess. He was the wonderful reassurance of touch and comfort and love.

I think in some way Nathan even helped me grieve for himself as much as he could. From the moment he was admitted to the hospital he was taking care of me- watching me for the signs of me shutting down (meaning I was terrified.) Helping me get through the moments when we had to go to the emergency room right then and I was having a panic attack...

And in the moments when I couldn't take any more- He was still there- holding me, stroking my hair, giving me tissues, and loving me even though I was crying and looked a right mess. Still being that wonderful reassurance of touch and comfort and love for as long as he could.

People don't live forever, and my grandparents (especially my Pappy- Mom's dad) are not in great health. I am super close to my Mom's parents.... a lot closer than I was to my Grandpa Glen... and I'm terrified that I'm not going to have anyone to run to if he passes away. I don't want to be alone. But I really *really* don't want to be without that someone-- that physical reassurance- in the times that are the very hardest.

Fun Fact:
These are fears that I've always had, but Nathan's death actually set me free of some fears that were a lot larger than these. BC (before cancer) my 3 biggest fears were:

1) Death
2) Losing a loved one
3) Public Speaking

1) I used to have panic attacks about my own mortality... Seriously, I would start thinking about the fact that I was going to die someday and have to just pray, "Jesus" over and over and over in my mind until I calmed down and stopped thinking about it. But death doesn't terrify me that way anymore. I don't *want* to die, but I've got someone up there that I'll be so happy to see when it does happen.

2) Tied with fear of my own mortality was the thought of someone I loved dying. But I've looked into that abyss... and I know that while it is just as terrible and hard and miserable as I thought it would be, I also know without a doubt that God can get me through it, and that I have no control over it anyway, so I might as well at least not spend my time with my loved ones in dread of being without them.

3) I know, it's ridiculous that a former speech teacher who acted in so many shows would be terrified of public speaking... but I was.... I used to be so afraid of talking to a group of people as myself. Give me lines and let me be someone else--- well, sure. But make me just get up there and subject myself to the judgement of everyone in that crowd as myself? No, thank you. Now one of my biggest desires is to tell people my story and how blessed I have been.

Oh and the funny things I'm afraid of?

Becoming a 'purple person'
Accidentally drinking spoiled milk
What's behind the closed shower curtain
That my house smells unpleasant
The feeling of biting down on aluminum foil
Large jumpy dogs

Beautiful Things

We now return you to your regularly scheduled, non-emo blog.

Wanna see something amazing? Watch this video.

That guy is from Springfield. What an incredible spirit.

He's one of those people I feel like I've seen a lot but never actually met... but then again he might just have that kind of face. I wish I actually knew him, rather than him being a friend of a friend of a friend.

In entirely unrelated news: there is a Snow Biz a block and a half away from my apartment! You should come visit me and we should take a stroll.

Yeah... that's really all I have for today.

So I think you should take some time to enjoy this song with a lyric video that someone worked very hard on... and then stuck some candles in.

The Doctors

I may have mentioned before that I am watching Dr. Who.

A time or two, eh?

It's a really good show, and I very much like it.

But the thing is, the Dr. changes. I mean that's one of the basic tenets of the show, that the Dr. changes relatively often. It's how a show that started in 1963 is still going-- and on it's 26th season. (He's only called "the Doctor" not Dr. Who, btw... Dr. Who is just what a lot of people say in response to his introduction of himself as "The Dr.")

But the doctor changes, and I hate it. I understand it, but I hate it.

Because I don't like the new doctor.

And then when I do finally like the new doctor he changes again and I don't like that new doctor.

So I'm constantly grieving for the doctor that once was, and I can't appreciate the doctor that is.

And I really think I do enough grieving as it is, thank you.

The other day someone linked to this article on facebook.

It made me cry.

Nathan was at one of the best hospitals in the nation for cancer. Our hand was forced over and over and over. Everyone did every thing that they could do.

But it's hard to think that if Nathan lived 20 years in the future, they might have known more... he might not have died.

But if he lived 20 years in the past then we might have lost him a lot sooner.

And that darn Dr. can time travel.

I really do believe that God can make a beautiful thing out of this.

Sometimes that's not a comfort though.

Cause he didn't want to go.

And I didn't want him to, either.

1 of 30

I think it's going to be a busy week for me... So I'm starting it off right by not going to sleep when I should. Oh the silliness of me.

I don't really have a lot to say tonight, so I'm going to fall back on this list of things to write about that I found on pinterest: (It comes from this blog)

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

My plan is to use this list whenever I don't have anything much to say... I should go through it in about 32 days. :)

So without further ado,

20 Random facts (I feel like I've done this before, but hey, I bet I come up with some facts that are different.)

1. I think that Jareth in Labyrinth is one of the most romantic male leads ever... I mean listen to this quote- "Everything that you wanted I have done. [...] I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations." That said, I do not think that he's the most attractive male lead ever.

2. I have a heart shaped scar on my right pinkie.

3. I have a baby mobile hanging up in my office.

4. I have no baby, have never had a baby, and don't plan on having one, until at *least* 9 months after I remarry.

5. I'm not even dating anyone, so that's gonna be a while.

6. I kinda feel like I cheated on those last few facts.

7. I was accused of plagiarism twice in high school by English teachers. I didn't plagerize either time, I just wasn't interested in the subject we had to write on so I kinda checked out and threw together some fancy sounding bs. Apparently when I bs English papers I sound like cliff notes. (Which I've never read.)

8. Tonight I ate dinner at 1 AM. It was spaghetti.

9. I slept in jeans (or whatever pants I wore) from around the 2nd or 3rd grade until highschool, and didn't really understand why this was weird.

10. I would be perfectly content if every copy of my third grade picture vanished from the face of the Earth.

11. After my 3rd grade picture, my mom started taking us to a photo studio for our yearly portraits, rather than ordering them from the school, sight unseen. This was not a coincidence.

12. If someone in my family posts the picture in question online somewhere I will find the most unflattering AND embarrassing picture ever taken of you and then I will photoshop it to make it worse and then I will post it. If such a photo does not exist I will make one. Don't be a cyber bully.

13. I remember what I was wearing when I fell off the back of a farm truck when I was little. The shorts got caught and I hung for a second or two, suspended, before it ripped and I fell the rest of the way.

14. This is not the reason that I think of cars as deathtraps, but I do. (Even my beloved Prius is a deathtrap.)

15. I do not get cat calls, greeted by skeezy men from their cars, flirted with, or hit on very often (read: at all) and I'm not really sure why.

16. However, someone did yell, "No prostitution!" at me once. (Story here.) Jackal.

17. Of the things in my life I miss the most, Nathan is number 1 and performing in shows is number 2.

18. I love to bake, but my sweet tooth isn't actually that strong, just that opinionated.

19. I think texting someone in the same room/house as you is fun.

20. My dream is to someday buy and renovate a very old house and get 14 different craftsmen (or 1 super handy future husband) to install 14 secret passageways (1 per craftsmen) in my house. (One of them must contain a drinking fountain.) Then I would host murder mystery weekends and generally enjoy my chamber of secrets.

Lucky

Today I left my house to go buy Starbucks... hot Starbucks, because it had just rained and I was feeling weird, apparently. I got my Starbucks and was then randomly inspired to go to the mall and buy shoes...

I told you I was feeling weird.

They didn't have the shoes I wanted to buy- navy blue wedges that I saw a couple of weeks ago. (Well, technically they had them in 8 1/2 but they felt small and I'd never wear them if they weren't comfortable.) But they had the same shoes only in white in a 9.

So I have white wedge sandal/heels sitting on my bed now. I've seriously considered if it would be possible to take some dye and a paintbrush to them, but I'll probably wear them for a bit, before I go all craft-Rambo on them.

Then I came home and wrote for a few hours

Then I took a Pinterest break... but it wasn't good enough so I took a Netflix break... and then a Drop Dead Diva break...

Do you remember that I love Drop Dead Diva? yeeeeep.

And then as I was bouncing downstairs (No, really. When I'm alone I bounce down my stairs one step at a time.... and by "bounce" I mean I kind hop off the step, thump (one foot), thump (other foot), slight pause,  hop off again.)

Anyway, as I going to change my laundry and playing this little step game with myself, I thought, "You know, I really like myself. Thank you, God, for my self confidence. I could be a lot more unhappy than I am."

It's weird. I want my life to be different than it is. I'm not ok with it stalling out here forever. But that said, I'm not desperate. I'm happy with who I am as a person and I think I that I look really good these days. (As long as I'm not confronted with photographic evidence that disproves me!) I was just thinking the other day how proud Nathan would be of me. I mean he thought I was beautiful when I didn't. But now that I think I'm beautiful, too? He'd never take that adorable goofy grin off his face.

Even with all that I've gone through, I still think that I've been so lucky.

I know that sounds weird to say, but I always thought that I was lucky to have Nathan and that doesn't really change after his death. I'm still lucky to have had him for the short time I did.

And I'm lucky to have all sorts of wonderful friends and family who love me.

And I'm lucky that I can see how lucky I am.